Feeling lost

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Feeling lost

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Feeling lost

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 11:52:39 AM

Bree11

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/16/2011
Status: offline

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 12:02:03 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Crossposting is frowned on here, just so you know.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 12:14:26 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

There are a couple things here. First of all, no Dominant is automatically guaranteed the right to be unfaithful, it's not like a law or anything. It's just like any other relationship- the two people in the relationship decide if they are monogamous or not just like they decide whether or not to have children or other important decisions. If they have agreed to be monogamous and have sex outside of the relationship, it is considered cheating just like it always is. The 'Domme' you talked to isn't speaking for the entire world here, she's only giving her interpretation of things, which begins and ends with herself and the people she is involved with.

Secondly you seem to wish your partner to be monogamous and have expressed this to your Dominant, and then he told you that he was bringing others into the relationship. in other words, he flat out told you he wasn't going to be monogamous. How is it that you accepted a relationship with this man knowing that it wasn't what you wanted? What were you thinking? You didn't have to accept his collar, and in fact it seems like you shouldn't have as he's not hiding from you that he is on a different page than you are concerning the number of people he will be involved with.

My advice would be to choose carefully in a partner and pick one that matches your outlook on being monogamous and in other important areas. Since it is too late for this, I'd advise that you think things over and see if you can stay in the relationship when he brings in another woman. If you cannot accept this, then I'd advise you leave now instead of getting more attached. One other thing to try would be to approach him and tell him how you feel about him having others, and that you would like to be his one and only and see if he'd accept that or not. If you keep putting off the conversation you have no idea how he will react and you're just a sitting duck for the day he brings home someone else and everything blows up in your face. Be proactive here and talk to the guy. Also, don't expect him to change up what he told you about how life would be. He was honest with you.

You don't have to live with something you find intolerable. You can stay or you don't have to, those are your choices. I'd find out what the situation is exactly first though rather than try to figure things out on a bunch of things that you 'think', and perhaps he'd be willing to change things up from what he said if he knew you'd walk. I wouldn't count on it though.

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 12:35:48 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Bree... you have posted about this relationship before. You introduced yourself and started another thread and said on the 29th that you had been here two months, talked to him every day, had not met and were owned. http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3977989 On the 13th, which was fifteen days later you said that you had met and played, that you hadn't given yourself to him and that you were seeing him twice a week. So here you say that you were owned since Dec... I take it the 29th and then collared in Feb.

Now, you question many things that should have been covered before you were owned or collared and should have been and should be discussed with him.

You are only as helpless and lost as you allow yourself to be, in the situations you place yourself within and maybe even excuse. Do what you need to do... not talk to us or some mistress claiming the rights of all doms... which many would disagree with and stop playing victim to your lost. Get out there and do what you really need to do. Talk to your dom. However, he has said what he wants. Tell him you aren't ready. If it isn't going to be clear how he intends to do this... then that would be problematic with your history. What are YOU going to do about it?

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to lizi)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 1:55:51 PM

punisher440

Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
Status: offline

Bree,I agree with the posters above that this is something you should have or need to discuss with your Dom.It should have been discussed long before now though.Just because the Domme you talked to does things with others outside the primary relationship,it does NOT mean your Dom thinks this way.Different people seek and want different things,some are ok with and want poly,others seek a totally monogamous relationship.So before you doom your relationship with your Dom by having doubts and fears,sit down with him and talk.The longer you wait to do this,the more trouble you are causing this relationship.

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 2:43:07 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

No, dominants aren't required to be faithful. A dominant who has agreed to be faithful with you is required to be faithful.

Two different things.

And also, when in doubt talk to your dominant.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 2:48:52 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Wow, I knew I heard of that nick before, but you nailed it. You have one hell of a memory, Lady.

To the OP: Yes, you are a lost soul. Get to a therapist and fix yourself, and quit looking to people in a forum to validate who you are.

_____________________________

(in reply to Lockit)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 3:27:52 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful. They can have a domestic sub and others outside the home. Now up until that conversation I was good. And now I find myself questioning every time he is leaving the house at night. I have been collared since Feb and owned since Dec 2011. My previous relationship (vanilla)was 18 mos ago and ended due to him cheating after 8 yrs of being together. On one side I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me. It feels crazy cause I am with him almost everyday so I know there is nothing to go one. But I start thinking of the conversation and start being suspicious. I have made my thoughts known to him. He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet. I want to please him and do as he wishes. So lost cause I am unsure what to think or do. Any Advice?

I think you have a couple of problems making you feel like
this, first is the fact you are letting what some mistress tells
you effect the kind of relationship you have with your Dom,
I have no idea who this woman is to you, does she know your
Dom? how the hell would she know what kind of relationship
he wants to have with you? It's up to the individual to Dom and
don't believe anyone who tells you different, you need to tell
him what you feel you need from the relationship, and you might
just get it.

Second, Ask ask ask, just talk about the dam things that are
important to you with him, if you were asking me, the most
important thing would be a polite, non-confrontational and
submissive demeanour. Avoid sounding needy and demanding,
ask why he wants another girl, if it's not what you want aswell
I can't see it working.

-ARIES

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 7/22/2012 3:34:16 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 3:52:48 PM

FrankAr

Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11

My Dom is more than I ever imagined and I am grateful to him. But in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful.

I think that if a person informs me this that they are just in the discussion for the mental type of thing to make them look good. The other person would be saying ....oh my god I never knew that doms are like this, thanks to opening up my eyes, you are so good. but why do you have 3 subs ? Are you the type of person that is unfaithful and then say that ALL doms are ?.....just my thought on the type of conversation that the mental goody two shoes might have in trying to mentally dom the person with reverse physcology.

_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Bree11)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 3:54:32 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Say What?

Can you repeat that in English, please?

_____________________________

(in reply to FrankAr)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling lost - 7/22/2012 5:16:47 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Okay, I've just quoted bits and pieces here to make a point.....

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bree11
....in a discussion with a Mistress she informed me that Dominants are not required to be faithful....

....I am constantly secure that he is differ and would never do that to me....

....It feels crazy....

....and start being suspicious....

....I have made my thoughts known to him....

....He has expressed that he wants me to have a sister. I am so lost cause I think he has someone in mind already. I want new experiences but I don't want a perminant addition just yet....

I don't think you really are "secure that he is different and would never do that" to you. Otherwise you would not be suspicious and feel crazy. He doesn't seem to care about whether you want a sister or not. HE wants to have another sub. This is all about HIM and what HE wants. Has he ever asked you whether YOU really want a sister or not?

As for being faithful, there is no rule about Dominants not having to be faithful. Also, like LadyP said, has he ever heard of polyfidelity or ethical poly? Poly people can be faithful too. One of the big differences between poly and cheating though is that, with poly, everyone is above board. With cheating there are secrets and lies.

NBMG

_____________________________

I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Profile

Post #: 11