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Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 5:06:48 AM   
SindyLewd


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		im submissive, but i dont think im a slave (at least not officially). my bf is Dom & we have an active sex life. Sometimes he gets carried away and goes beyond what i would consider my limits. This is hard to describe because he does respect some limits (he's never let me be hurt, he's never left me alone with anyone else unless we discussed it earlier.) But there are times, more and more frequently when i think he's pushing me beyond my limits on purpose - like trying to see if i really meant what i said when i asked to set the limit.
For example: i am concerned about doing a2m and we've talked about my concerns it, but he still does it. Most of the time it's when we're in a group, so it's not easy for me to protest without feeling like a party pooper (no pun intended.) It really bothers me when there are 2 or more girls involved. I dont know how clean she is...  He says because we all took an enema, that it's okay.  And, to be fair, nobody has gotten sick that i know of, but it worries me.

So my questions to subs/slaves are this:
Is this dominance? or is this abuse?
And if it's abuse, where would you draw the line and refuse to go along? 
Is this bad enough that I should leave the relationship?

thanks for your advice,

s.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 5:34:28 AM   
SenseofBelonging


Posts: 69
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		there's a difference between hard limits and soft limits. hard limits should never be pushed without the sub's consent, whereas soft limits can and should be explored. how is a sub to find out, for example, how much pain he/she can take if that limit is not explored?...a sub may believe that anal is a limit, but having never experienced it, how is he/she to find out if it's a real (hard) limit, or simply something the sub is uncomfortable with?. being uncomfortable with doing something does not, to my mind, constitute a limit. i trust in my Domme to know me well enough not to cause harm to Her property (that's not in Her interest at all, is it?), and i will do all sorts of things i dont particularly like in order to please Her.

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 6:03:11 AM   
sabswife


Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		hmm honestly i think the problem lies with both of you and lack of commuication.  is it REALLY a hard limit if you are doing it?  He probably doesn't think so.

at the same time i don't know to what extent you have spent time explaining to Him that you are uncomfortable with it and that it is a hard limit.  personally i would make it very clear and simply refuse if it is requested again-- your Dom needs to respect your hard limits.  if He is not, He is not doing His job.  jmo.

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."


(in reply to SenseofBelonging)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 7:16:06 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You need to grow a stronger spine

He needs to grow a few respect cells

You both need to grow a better sense of communication

Instead of being embarassed or swept up in passion when he pushes your limits (a very inappropriate and awkward time to do it, which is probably WHY he's doing it then, because he knows you're less likely to say no), smile and just stop him, or just refuse to do it.

But before anything happens again- sit down and talk.  Heck show him this post you made.  He needs to respect you, you need to know that he will respect you.

_____________________________

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(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 7:33:44 AM   
TxBadMan


Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline 		Hard one to answer for me; I have done this with Tikk on occassion. Pushed her into doing something that she would not have done otherwise, knowing that she would not make a scene in  public or around others.
Sometimes we push because we truly believe that it is something that we can grow from. Other times we push simply because we can. And still other times, we push because we simply have not thought out the consequences.
Sit down, talk with him about your concerns. If he still persists, dig your feet in and refuse to compromise on what YOU feel is important.

_____________________________

Chris



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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 8:05:18 AM   
HisTicia


Posts: 203
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I totally agree with all of the above.. you really need to sit down and talk to him about your fears..and what about the whole situation is bothering you so much.  You are a sub..but with that.. you deserve respect of your thoughts and your fears about disease and more.  I would hope as your Sir.. he is doing that..but if you are going someplace and you don't know these ppl.. I would actually wonder if that is something that is addressed in any way.
 
If you talk to him..and he cannot understand why this bothers you so.. or if it's something you really don't want to do anymore..and he insists..then maybe it is time to think about changing the relationship.. though I think that would be a last resort.  If he really cares about you..and your well being.. he will take your fears and concerns to heart..and seriously..and you all can work it out.
 
 

_____________________________

All my soul follows you, love encircles you and I live in being yours. ~Browning

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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 9:41:27 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		people will only ever treat you the way you allow them to.
You allow him to do this.
If you really want to stop anything, then stop it.
Talk it over, if he cant respect you, kick him to the curb, step over the low life and shout 'next!'
Coz there are hundred more where he came from!
little1

(in reply to HisTicia)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 10:02:19 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Is this dominance? or is this abuse?

It might be manipulation or disrespect or generally bad behavior.  But abuse?  No.

And if it's abuse, where would you draw the line and refuse to go along? 

It is not abuse.  Still, I would refuse to go along whenever he crossed a limit I already established in the first place. 

You need to sit down and communicate precisely what your limits are and then follow through with those. If I told him, "Licking ass is a limit for me" and he later shoves a girls ass in my face, I would pat her hiney and move on to something I was comfortable with. If he verbally insisted I would simply remind him, as discretely as possible, that was a no for me.  At a more appropriate time I would tell him all the reasons that was simply not cool.

However, if you tell him "I don't want to lick ass" and then consistently do it anyway, what is he to think when you tell him "I don't want to lick sweaty armpits." Not comfortable may mean "I don't want to but I will if you tell me to." 

Take responsibility for communicating what is not okay and then following through on it.

Is this bad enough that I should leave the relationship?
 
That is your choices based on the total relationship.  I would not feel secure or happy with someone that continually and intentionally violated limits I had set. I might be okay with someone asking/telling me to do things I did not like, depending on the circumstances.



< Message edited by Sensualips -- 6/9/2006 10:03:25 PM >

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/9/2006 10:11:20 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Your limit is not unreasonable. I would never allow someone to go from anal to mouth ever. It is set up as a hard limit from the get go from me.. and I think you need to do some research on google about the unsafeness of this, ESPECIALLY if it is someone else's rear end. That other person may have bacteria from other places that you have not been colonized with inside of them from different water sources and so on.. so it is very dangerous. Do your research and show it to him.

As far as pushing you past your limits.. you have to decide whether you want that in a dominant. If you don't you need to communicate that to him. If you do then perhaps this sort of domination is for you. Everyone is different with needs and wants.  Here is what Wikipedia says about it, with a link and there are other resources on the page

Health risks
From a health standpoint, anilingus may carry serious risks because of the presence of bacteria on or in the anus or rectum. Unprotected anilingus involves the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases, such as Genital Herpes or intestinal parasites. Anilingus is considered a low-risk activity for the transmission of HIV. However, applying the mouth to the genitals immediately after applying it to the anus can inadvertently introduce Escherichia coli ("E. coli") into the urethra, causing a urinary tract infection, curing which may require a thirty- or forty-five day antibiotic regimen.
Thoroughly washing the area can help reduce the risk of diseases. Another way to protect against any health risks is by placing a sheet of plastic wrap (or a dental dam) over the anus. This allows the passive partner to receive stimulation while protecting the active partner from bacterial infection.[1]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal-oral_contact#Health_risks

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/10/2006 12:02:40 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		I am sorry but making her take an enema does not make every one involved safe.

There's std's and god knows what transmitable things another may have.

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/10/2006 6:12:08 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		I think the problem i have with this statement is:  who is looking out for who's health?  it's well known in today's age of sexual sharing that condoms are not the whole answer.  There are so many diseases out there that most do not think about.  When you have oral sex, do you use dams?  are you aware of the HPV problem?  Hep C?  HIV?  Genital Herpes..........which can be transfered even if you have used a condom.  Thes are just a few.
Do you know the person that you are having sex with has a clean bill of health for at least 6 years? 
I guess what scares me about all this is that someday someone will eventually come home and have to tell their children...their family that.....guess what?  because of my lack of knowledge, because of wanting to have many different partners...i have a disease that is going to kill me.  I will no longer be in your life because of my decisions.   Yeah, this is the extreme part.....................is it worth it? 
So my question stands:  Who is looking out for your health and saftey in this? 

<sips more coffee and ponders more>

~smilezz~


_____________________________

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(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/11/2006 7:20:21 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		If you are so uncomfortable that you felt the need to start a thread on this, you need to talk with him, not with us.  No one here can tell you if what you are doing is safe, correct, right...whatever you want to call it.  As far as is it abuse?  Well, again, what constitutes abuse to me, may not constitute abuse to someone else. 

(in reply to smilezz)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/11/2006 6:00:06 PM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Limits or just that no soft or hard thy or an unwritten contract between you and the Dom .  Limits should naiver be crossed when it is it becomes abuse if you cant trust the Dom to respect limits you can't trust him with your safety . I would tell him one time then be gone

(in reply to SenseofBelonging)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/11/2006 6:07:05 PM   
brattysub4


Posts: 189
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline 		wow i have to agree with most here and again to say with what has been said a hard limit is one not to be broken or pushed in my eyes.soft limits are workable with all parties agreed upon.and also me myself would also not allow going from anal to mouth something about it screams major health issues for me .i cna be wrong but for me i just wont approach it or chance there being a issue in the first place.sounds like maybe both you need to sit down and rediscuss your limits again and make  clearer boundries.again could be wrong just my thoughts.

(in reply to chains314)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/11/2006 6:53:08 PM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		What is the need for having soft limits if you or opposed to doing some thing and state that in the beginning  it is a limit that's not to be crossed  so weir does it get to be hard or soft .

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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/13/2006 6:36:18 AM   
SindyLewd


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your responses.
i have taken your collective advice and have shown B. this site and this post. We have sat down and talked about our relationship & what we both want from it. He has asked me to become his slave and has graciously given me until this weekend to decide.
He has made it clear that he will accept no compromises. If i choose not to become his complete slave, then i will leave his house.
This is really scary. i'm afraid of being alone, but i'm also afraid of becoming a full time slave.
Any advice on how to decide?

(in reply to chains314)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/13/2006 7:03:14 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Well i can't decide for you but if scares you then maybe you should not do it.  It is better to be alone then to do something you are not comfortable with or are not sure about.  If you are a slave i have heard you cannot have hard limits as a slave (i could be wrong about that.  My Master said the limits of a slave are the Masters limits.  So think abot if this is something you are ready for.  Good Luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/13/2006 8:02:02 AM   
SenseofBelonging


Posts: 69
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		He is demanding a choice you're not ready to make. there is no natural progression from sub to slave. most slaves start as subs, but not all subs become or should become slaves. there is a world of difference between a sub and a slave and it's too late to back out once the choice is made and the clasp locked shut. i'd also be concerned about His ability to properly care for a slave. if He is willing to risk the health of His property for mere sexual gratification, in my opinion, He's not much of a Dom.

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/13/2006 8:57:25 AM   
sexysubnyc74


Posts: 7
Status: offline 		Sweetheart, I know it feels wonderful to belong to someone, as I am submissive to my core, but think of the fears you have overcome being a submissive to this person...I think they way go past the little fear of going it alone for awhile. The reason I can be submissive to a person is that deep down I know I can always take care of myself...ALWAYS!  It is my choice to give in to them. My alone times in life have been some of my greatest growth periods. Your mind and will are yours, and perhaps a master who respects the fun of a stubborn sub and a bit of give and take would be a better fit for you right now. Time flies by, don't let a day of regret go by.

(in reply to SindyLewd)
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RE: Where do you draw the line? - 6/13/2006 9:00:27 AM   
sexysubnyc74


Posts: 7
Status: offline 		And I agree w/ the previous post...if he wants you to be property, then he should take your health into consideration. My Master knows I am against even anal to vaginal sex w/ out changing a condom first, because I am the one who has to deal w/ any yucky infection that may happen...

(in reply to sexysubnyc74)
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