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ChatteParfaitt -> RE: confused :( (7/24/2012 11:32:21 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ishtarr
quote:
ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Let's turn this around a bit. When I'm in a fulfilling D/s relationship, I like being a Domestic Goddess. In addition to cooking, I enjoy cleaning and picking up after him. However, if he stops being a D mentally and physically, picking his dirty socks off the floor becomes a chore rather than a pleasure. His inability to put things away starts pissing me off, rather than being cute.
I totally agree with this.
My husband doesn't get to boss me around because I'm some kind of self-sufficient vision of obedience and submission.
My husband gets to boss me around because in exchange for being obedient to him *I* get what I want and need from him... and in my case, that happens to be a whole lot of kinky play/sex on a pretty much daily basis.
I don't work, so I consider it my duty to do all the housework regardless of our BDSM dynamic, so that he can focus on his career, and provide the income we both depend on. However, seeing that I consider the running of the housework my "job" I also do it my way, which isn't always the way he wants it. I also don't cater to his every need, just because he's the breadwinner or has a hard day... hell, he doesn't start catering to my every need when I've got a hard day either.
Now, he loves to be in charge. He loves to beat the tar out of me. He loves to micromanage my every move, my every breath, my every position and my every chore.
And I'm more than happy to oblige him in all those things, and give him exactly what he wants... but not because I just selfishly adore serving, but because in exchange I get what I want and need from him. The fact that this is very much and exchange for us also means he doesn't get to take a couple weeks off, just because he's stressed at work and still expect to be provided with all the things he wants from me. If I'm still expected to hold up my end of this dynamic, and obey him, please him and cater to his every need, the he needs to hold up his end and be an actual dominant influence in my life, instead of just copping out and issuing flat and uninspiring commands.
Of course he has off days some time. Nobody is "on" or perfect 24/7/365 and it's not because I for a day, or a couple of hours get a less than total Dom-y vibe from him that I suddenly trow in the towel and tell him to kiss my ass when he gives me a command. But at the same time... in the grand scale of things... he needs to uphold his end, and put in as much effort into making *me* happing as I put into making him happy.
I have a feeling that the OPs relationship doesn't work that way, not because what he wants is bad or selfish, but because what he and his wife want to do and are willing to do to make each other happy is very out of sync. I also feel that the spectrum of what they want kinky/BDSM wise if very out of sync and that there is very little overlap into stuff that makes them both feel like they are getting what they want from the same actions/dynamic. Which probably means that they both feel like they are putting in way more effort than the other one is doing.
Although I agree with the above statement, I'm not ready to diagnose incompatibility. If the OP is anything to go buy, they don't know enough or comprehend enough to have a deep enough conversation (there I go, assuming couples adequately communicate !!) to even know if they are in sync. The OP sounds like an immature preteen whining b/c he has to do chores -- hard to fix with anything but a good parental dynamic.
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