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Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/9/2006 7:42:37 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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This is really a question for those of us who are poly or who have multiple BDSM partners.

If you are the head of your household, both in terms of BDSM and in terms of general mundane authority, how much do you weigh the needs of the household when you are considering a potential submissive or slave?

I personally feel that I must balance my desires and needs with the other people in my house and with mundane necessity. I'm not sure how to measure this balance really. I can't say my needs/desires are 50% and everything else is 50% for example.

Don't know if I'm really asking a question or not. Maybe I'm just expressing a current issue that I have to deal with as we are ready to start looking for other people to enter Meadows Edge (this is the name of our household FYI).

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

Post #: 1

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/9/2006 7:55:34 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

thetammyjo,

It is my responsibility, as head of the household, to provide for them, including creating an atmosphere in which they feel comfortable. So, in my household, when I feel I want to offer a collar to someone, everyone in the household gets an equal vote. I would imagine that, for a Preliminary Collar, the slaves would be willing to give the benefit of the doubt in order to see if the person truly fits.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 2

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/9/2006 8:21:06 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

I'm thinking some of these same thoughts myself. In my perfect world it’s all about me all the time but in reality I agree with MasterFire in that I am the head of household, therefore responsible for the overall tempo of the house. Collectively I’ll consider everything including the mundane, spiritual wellbeing and any major issues. In my house I am the one working and making most of the income. Normally that’s always the way it is so I don’t want to have to deal with mundane issues like who is going to do the laundry, take out the trash, etc. I don’t clean, period and I don’t do trash so that part is pretty simple. I cook often and teach my slaves how to cook when I can’t or don’t feel like it.

As to choosing others I do need to consider my needs but it doesn’t mean I don’t consider the needs of anyone currently living in my house. I most certainly do because I want harmony. I don’t put up with drama, tension and games and I have literally cleared out a house before because of such nonsense.

To some it may seem selfish or unfair but I AM my home and my slaves agree to step into MY WORLD and serve me at any capacity I see fit. When I make decisions I am considerate but also smart enough to know that I am ultimately responsible for my actions & choices.

_____________________________

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/9/2006 8:39:31 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

I call my farm Dancing Creek btw. I guess that's what my home is called.

_____________________________

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 4

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/9/2006 11:48:55 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear thetammyjo, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Really is a 'personal' choice. You know yourself best and what fits best with what you have.

As for me, I prefer a service slave over a personal slave. However, these terms can overlap and be confusing. However, a service slave is one who serves both domesticly as well as my personal needs. My personal needs do not imply sex. However, a service/personal slave bathes me, dresses me and is irreplacable as far as seeing that I am well taken care of. Slave duties are fluid and really can't be pigeon holed, as they have to move with my fluid state of domination. However, I try to find a slave who isn't all about BDSM. Although it is an important element of the lifestyle, my comfort exceeds BDSM.

However, slaves need to have the enviorment that supports such. My principle slave will be what will be the foundation. In order to have a home that is content and works together well, slaves have to get along with each other. I also like to give equal time, attention and affection to all slaves. Each have their strengths and weaknesses so the slaves need to work with such as to best serve me.

It is my personal belief, that you have to be honest and put everything out on the table of what you're looking for. Nobody will be perfect so, I try for 80/20. As for my personal preferences, I prefer a slave to be 70% domestic and 30% personal. The second slave 60% personal and 40% domestic.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 5

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 4:18:33 AM

MdmSarah

Posts: 32
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline

When you have a household with multiple slaves, you need to be very conscious of how introducing someone new will affect the balance, because it always will. If I've found a submissive that I find acceptable, I expect the household to make efforts to work with the new sub and fit in - but everyone has human emotions including jealousy and dislike as well as loyalty.

Even with a part time sub that has minimal interaction with the rest of the household, I look for someone who has an easy going personality that can be comfortable getting along with other people.

The bottom line is that I am going to give priority to those that are current members of the kink family over those that "may" in time join.

(in reply to LadyHugs)

Post #: 6

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 6:33:40 AM

submaleca2000

Posts: 8
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

what price i mean is given to someone who wants to be collared,for a relatioship i mean sometimes people subs slaves see someone one person many times what price is given for that collar?? in hoping to get that idea of ,possbily even 24.7???? there is a fine line , when does someone Draw the line.....if someone is very loyal and spending alot of time with someone, and knowing the fact she is single, but playing with someone mind,and draining someone , alot of people tend do it ?? you think he should bale out? becuase she has no intentions on collaring him, but taking all the time? or stick it out for that chance??
to me that is being played with and toyed with, for the wrong reasons.I mean you cant force someone love you.but you can make a decisions where noone gets hurt,or loose everything, all for nothing.

(in reply to MdmSarah)

Post #: 7

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 6:57:33 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleca2000

what price i mean is given to someone who wants to be collared,for a relatioship i mean sometimes people subs slaves see someone one person many times what price is given for that collar?? in hoping to get that idea of ,possbily even 24.7???? there is a fine line , when does someone Draw the line.....if someone is very loyal and spending alot of time with someone, and knowing the fact she is single, but playing with someone mind,and draining someone , alot of people tend do it ?? you think he should bale out? becuase she has no intentions on collaring him, but taking all the time? or stick it out for that chance??
to me that is being played with and toyed with, for the wrong reasons.I mean you cant force someone love you.but you can make a decisions where noone gets hurt,or loose everything, all for nothing.

I don't think you can make decisions in BDSM that hurt no one when there is more than one person involved. If you part by mutual decision, I think that still hurt both people a bit. If one person says, "this can't go further" then that is rejection.

Rejection hurts regardless of who is rejected. Sometimes it hurts the person doing the rejecting. Hopefully if you have been honest it won't be a complete surprise but that does not me it won't hurt.

I frankly don't think it matters what role or orientation one has either.

There was a man I went through all my talk with, he made a formal application, we had lunch and then we had the one test scene. It wasn't until that scene that I knew we would not have the chemistry I needed when he bad talked another top at the end of the scene -- she was a friend of mine and that was a dumb move on his part. He also got so excited that he called her and said he couldn't see her anymore because he was devoting himself to me. She was upset and told me. 24 hours later I told him that I was not accepting him for training and way. She rejected him too when he showed up.

This is a long complicate story but I see a relationship as a series of steps until a contract is signed (yeah, I do contracts!). At any point in that series of steps either person can say this isn't working. Even my contracts have out clauses -- being with someone you aren't connecting with, you aren't getting what you need from, or you aren't satisfied with seems silly to me.

On the other hand I think all relationships are work and you must work on them.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to submaleca2000)

Post #: 8

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 9:25:37 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

Each person that comes into my life is different. No two people will ever be the same. When asked what I’m into I am more inclined to ask, “What day of the week is it?” and laugh because with each person I’m different. Sure I’m always dominant but that dominance will manifest differently with each single person. My point being is that how can everyone in your house be treated the same? The whole damn point for me having more then one slave is so that all of my needs are met. Each one provides me with something different. The goal is to naturally balance it out so that EVERYONE’s needs are fulfilled and each person has the best quality for life for themselves.

I have a slave now who loves doing my laundry because hy feels closer to me. Another slave may enjoy working in the garden. Sexually they might also be different. One may share my bed and another may or may not. Chemistry doesn’t always make you wet. It could be the overall connection shared by two people who choose to experience a life together. I have had slaves come to me simply to experience life as slave and see if it was something right for them. We agree to the terms and it becomes a daily experience for both of us. There is only a point this relationship will ever reach because it’s an arrangement.

The slave I have now I agreed to be hys friend. No matter what we would always remain friends. Still I have expectations on how we would interact when around one another. No tension at all. Thankfully it fell into place. Still there is a process of learning each other and it may be months before I decide to collar hym. I doubt I would bring someone in at this stage because we are new and learning each other. Once we are settled in I will consider another but not without considering the whole dynamic of my family. I will, however expect current slave to work at the new relationship and welcome the next one I bring in.

_____________________________

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 10:56:14 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

One may share my bed and another may or may not. Chemistry doesn’t always make you wet.

Nor do I think I was suggesting it was.

I have had many submissives and slaves whom I was not sexually interested in at all and did not have any sexual contact with.

But we had chemistry, something that made the scene and the relationship shine, a spark between us that motivated us to put the work required into the relationship.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

Post #: 10

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 12:27:26 PM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

One may share my bed and another may or may not. Chemistry doesn’t always make you wet.

Nor do I think I was suggesting it was.

I have had many submissives and slaves whom I was not sexually interested in at all and did not have any sexual contact with.

But we had chemistry, something that made the scene and the relationship shine, a spark between us that motivated us to put the work required into the relationship.

I'm sorry that was not directed towards anything you said.

And I agree about chemistry. I always believed in reincarnation and that people come into our lives to complete or fulfill a journey. Sometimes you’ll meet someone and feel as if you’d known them forever.
Have you ever met someone and there was an instant bond… sparks flying and your interaction was profound? Then one day they are gone but not forgotten. It’s as if you accomplished what was meant to be and the memories are enough. This has happened several times in my life and all were scene related. Actually I take that back… all but one.
These days I seem to be sitting back and letting things take their course. When I do this everything seems to go much smoother.

_____________________________

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 11

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/10/2006 3:40:05 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

If you are the head of your household, both in terms of BDSM and in terms of general mundane authority, how much do you weigh the needs of the household when you are considering a potential submissive or slave?

I personally feel that I must balance my desires and needs with the other people in my house and with mundane necessity. I'm not sure how to measure this balance really. I can't say my needs/desires are 50% and everything else is 50% for example.

I think that, when bringing another person into an established household, it's impossible to give each part of that household equal weight in terms of what is best. It depends on the existing relationships, the new person coming in, the position that new person is to fill within the household, and a thousand other things that have to be considered from every angle.

We've been looking for someone to join our household for a couple years now, and so far no one has really been a good fit. It's hard to find someone who is going to get along with everyone; and who will really work towards building a relationship with the entire household, rather than just one portion of it. I know what I need and want in a slave, and that's not always in sync with what the Kaptin needs and wants, so we must find a reasonable compromise, and then find someone who best fits that compromise, and wants to serve both of us - not just one or the other, which is the most common problem we encounter.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 12

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/11/2006 1:11:40 PM

chains314

Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

Ijust wont to say hello LADY HUGS

(in reply to MdmSarah)

Post #: 13

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/11/2006 2:28:52 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

Meadows Edge that is really lovely, There is so much implied in a name like that. I call my household The House of the Awakening Wolf, its funny for years i thought that is was pompous to give a title like that, but as my household expands I am really finding that it aids in a cohesiveness and bonding of the members of the house hold. The members feel as though they are part of a unified vision.

Now on to your question, I have lived in several households and community's with several differing power structures , Top Down, All equal, and various things in between. The chosen structure is not as relevant to peaceful co harmony as specific variables of the people you choose are.

For example 10 people working hard can be brought to complete disharmony with only one "bad seed" a lazy person.

Co-harmony is a special recipe. Like a fine pastry all the ingredients and procedures have to be just right, and that will be trial and error for you.

But I always give each boy a chance to initially meet a new boy for a day. I make it a no pressure, no competition super low protocol, outing like a day at the beach so that we can all see who this new boy is and if he plays well with others. Then the boys are open to give their opinions candidly and I then assess that boys viability into the house hold.

Although a dear friend of mine is in a house hold that comes from a totally different school of thought. She and another slave were not getting along for over a year. One day the head of the house hold took them aside and beat them soundly....very soundly. To my utter amazement and education this worked and they lived happily in His house to this day....

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to chains314)

Post #: 14

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/12/2006 5:57:07 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Thank you everyone for reassuring me that I'm being wise to consider everything in the household but not allow myself to be ruled by that. I'm so cautious with these steps I take that I shouldn't be so worried about this but I'm a worry wart.

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Meadows Edge that is really lovely, There is so much implied in a name like that. I call my household The House of the Awakening Wolf, its funny for years i thought that is was pompous to give a title like that, but as my household expands I am really finding that it aids in a cohesiveness and bonding of the members of the house hold. The members feel as though they are part of a unified vision.

Our household name comes from my last name and my husband's last name. He's the meadows and I'm the edge -- it actually reflects a fair amount of our personalities too.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 15

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/12/2006 8:14:00 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

My household, as a whole, holds more weight than my personal desires. But my situation is a bit different from yours in that my household includes a teenager, and not a husband.

Ultimately, I would like a Dominant male partner who is secure in having a Dominant female as a partner, and both of us would have joint or individual slaves.
However, I will *not* bring a Dominant man into my household until my son has moved out of my nest and started building his own. I will though bring submissives into the household. For now, they seem to be temporary or part-time subs. And that's ok for now, but not what I ultimately hope for in the long run.

Finances are something I can't ignore. Raising a teenage boy can get a bit pricey, so as long as he is under my wing, a lot of money is being spent on the household. Therefore, a full time house slave is not an option right now. Although I do hope for one in the future.

And then there are individual personalities to consider. I am the first to meet a potential. I wouldn't drag my current household, family, and already collared subs along to meet someone for the first time. I know people who do this so that everyone can get a feel for the newbie. I don't like that approach myself. I don't think a Dominant should drag along their harem/stable/family/SO on a first meet. It can be a bit intimidating for the new person, and it gets jumbled and confusing trying to get to know 3, 4, 5 people at a time. Plus, why waste my household's time getting to know the ones that I personally can weed out in a few face-to-face meets.
I get to know the person individually, the whole time being upfront and honest about the others in my life. If and when I find them to be trustworthy and interesting and compatible, *then* I start introducing them to the others, one at a time, and watch their interactions and see how they mesh.

Overall, I put more priority on what I already have over what I could possible acquire.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 16

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/12/2006 8:43:42 AM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

My initial evaluation is based almost solely on my needs and desires. I am the one who is getting to know the sub. I am the one spending the most time with him or her. So, it is my decision. Gradually I will introduce the person to the rest of the family and I expect them to give it a go and be as accepting as possible. However, also during this time I watch to see how everyone is getting along. A new element can be disruptive and cause difficulties. If the difficulties are coming from the new element, then they will likely not stay around.

quote:

This is a long complicate story but I see a relationship as a series of steps until a contract is signed (yeah, I do contracts!). At any point in that series of steps either person can say this isn't working. Even my contracts have out clauses -- being with someone you aren't connecting with, you aren't getting what you need from, or you aren't satisfied with seems silly to me.

I agree with this...it is a gradual process. Initially it's all about me. Then, other personalities get worked into the mix. At some point in the process you will be able to see if it is working or not.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 17

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/12/2006 4:01:25 PM

CatalinaControl

Posts: 17
Status: offline

When putting my new family together, I considered both my needs, that of my husband's, the needs of my household (I also have a teenager still at home) and the needs of the prospective family member. When I added my pet, M, to the family is was a perfect match for all of us. Our family was made even happier when he and hubby became best friends. For almost a year, our lives were filled with love, laughter and a true sense of family. I thought that I was the luckiest woman in the world to have two wonderful men adore me (as I adored them). Then M was diagnosed with terminal cancer. That's when you know how important the others in your household (I had in that time added my lovely, loving girl to our family) feel about each other. There was never any question that our lives and focus would turn to him. All of us were prepared to do anything to assist in his care. There was never any jealousy about my having to spend hours, days, weeks by his side in the hospital. And, there was never any question that when he passed just six short weeks after being diagnosed, with us by his side, that his ashes would be spread where he loved most to be....at Lozen's Lair, our home.

Catalina

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

Post #: 18

RE: Household vs. Personal in choosing slave/submissives - 6/12/2006 8:49:24 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I have goosebumps up and down my body and and I am fighting tears...that was so beautiful..Thank you for sharing.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to CatalinaControl)

Post #: 19

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