RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/slave?

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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/26/2012 12:00:15 PM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NewbieMistress

Hello Sub/Slaves

What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/slave? Is it something like making friends in time you just trust each other and decide to move forward? Do you take charge of the situation as a mistress dictates at the beginning or do you just decide this after every thing is finalized by the Dom/Slave relationship.

Thanks,

NewbieMistress

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but I'd like to add something. What I'm about to say is not in conflict with the "take it slow, do it right" sentiment.

When the time comes to get things started you have a responsibility to buck up and get things rolling. A polite submissive will not pressure you to touch him, kiss him, strip him down. That's on you. If he or she shows up, they want to serve. Show a little initiative to let them know you like them. Even a little scratch at the base of the hairline to break the touch barrier. That's on you.

Other than a hug/handshake/cheek to cheek kiss to say hello, I would not (as a submissive) make first contact. You're driving a relationship together. You control the gas, he controls the brakes.

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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/28/2012 10:46:58 PM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Greetings

The speed with which a relationship develops have to be decided on by those who are in that given relationship, there are no given time frame. Some subs want to get straight to the dynamic, while others need to get to know a potential Dom for months before submitting to them, it is here that communication comes into play, ask your sub what it is he or she needs and be sensitive to their needs and concerns and then move at a pace that both you and them are comfortable with.

I wish you well

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Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad

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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/29/2012 7:47:34 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

NewbieMistress,
As others have stated, there is no set timeline. Each new relationship is unique, and should develop organically. Move at the pace that feels right for yourself and the particular individual that you're trying to get to know. As you gain experience, you'll discover that each person is different, and each relationship is different. In that regard, D/s is no different from vanilla relationships.

So just think about your experience in vanilla relationships. What was the "right pace" to go at? Hopefully, you're starting to remember that each of your vanilla relationships evolved differently. The same is going to be true as you develop a D/s relationship.

The one piece of advice that I'd add to this is that most submissive men that you meet will be meeting with you because they want to submit to you. They aren't looking for a vanilla relationship. So they're going to want to see some signs of dominance (even if they're only subtle signs) fairly early on. If they don't see any indication, some (most?) sub males will break things off and tell you that you "weren't dominant enough" for them. Others will be more obnoxious about it and say that you're a "fake Domme".

I'm not justifying their behavior. I'm simply warning you that some male subs will behave badly if you take too long to show that you are dominant.

Good luck in your search.
-Roch

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 8/29/2012 7:56:16 AM >

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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/29/2012 7:52:25 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewbieMistress
What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/slave? Is it something like making friends in time you just trust each other and decide to move forward? Do you take charge of the situation as a mistress dictates at the beginning or do you just decide this after every thing is finalized by the Dom/Slave relationship.

That's a matter of preference and, personality, and goal. If what you're talking about is some sort of quick hookup for some kink then take charge right away and definitively but over nothing actually important. That sort of thing is all about show so you need to put on a good show -- give 'em the old razzle dazzle as it were. If you're talking about a long term relationship then you need to ask yourself some serious questions about authority. How does one get authority? Why? Do you believe it's as simple as someone else nodding their heads? I don't. Then what I'd say is that you go at the pace at which you're able to build your actual authority, trust, and respect.

For me personally (collaring Carol after 10 years of being married) I went VERY slowly. The stated intent was TPE, M/s. But the actuality was that I extended my control one area at a time carefully. In my own head I was building a foundation that needed to last a lifetime and so I was perfectly content to go slow and lay those bricks down carefully. I was also perfectly content to have to rip out a few layers to get at a bad brick and replace it. The goal was clear from the beginning but the pace was determined by actual reality.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/29/2012 7:54:54 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

Newbie Mistress,
I just took the time to read your profile. It needs work.

Go back and fix the typos and grammatical errors. You also may not want to be quite so demanding about the type of sub you're willing to accept (young, trendy, wealthy, etc.).

Lastly, it's obvious that you're pretty inexperienced, so why are you even attempting to enter the financial domination world? You may want to eliminate that last part of your profile. I don't think you know enough about D/s to charge people for your limited knowledge/experience. I don't say that to insult you. But imagine if someone with no knowledge or experience at styling hair suddenly decided to start accepting appointments as a hair stylist. That's effectively what you're doing by offering financial domination services.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 8/29/2012 7:59:35 AM >

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RE: What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/... - 8/29/2012 8:34:27 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewbieMistress

Hello Sub/Slaves

What is the pace I need to go with a potential sub/slave? Is it something like making friends in time you just trust each other and decide to move forward? Do you take charge of the situation as a mistress dictates at the beginning or do you just decide this after every thing is finalized by the Dom/Slave relationship.

Thanks,

NewbieMistress

Every relationship is unique and you need to find the speed and rhythm of THAT relationship. You need to communicate and decide what works best for the people involved.

With my last TPE relationship, he initiated control in small ways right from our first date. He was not pushing and demanding, he would say I want this, what do you think? He was completely in control of me and our relationship with in a month, but always stayed with in the boundaries of where my trust was. As i learned to trust him more he took more control. This style worked exceptionally well for me and him. It was easy for me because he was always consistent and proved to me I could rely on him with out worry.

Some relationships start out as friends, and build from there.

No one can tell you how fast or slow your relationship can move. It depends on the depth of desire and trust your sub has for you.

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