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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/27/2012 11:28:41 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK

There is the 50 percent of the time you have the slave who wants to see some temperament of the Master on their first visit; then you have the second 50 percent who just want to meet to visit. I keep finding my self being called to strong of a Master and then being called not real enough of a Master after these visits - I seem not to be able to win.

This last time the gentleman said he had experience with other plants but not Hosta (which was going to be worked on). So I gave him as much experience I could during the visit handling the Hosta; as a sign of trust (aren't slaves supposed to do the work??). He had also made indication of his current limits prior his visit and so I also took time to re-test his inferred limits that he had spoke about before (inside),

In this case I was calked to strong. How do the rest of you handle this balancing act of the first meeting? No mater how I do it I seem t loose.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA



My guess is the real issue is that you are coming in worried about how you are perceived, and trying to adjust yourself based on what you think the other person wants. And they see right through that and are turned off. So the key, as others said, is to forget the balancing act and just be yourself. Some will like you, some won't.


(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 1:10:29 AM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		More people aren't going to be a good fit than will.

When I first meet someone I give zero consideration to what they think of Me and focus entirely on what I think of them. I'm not trying to make an impression.

You are only damned if you are trying to become what someone else wants instead of being authentic and true to who you are.

(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 2:00:08 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Im glad you found each other, and I wish you
all the best for the future! I'm sure an average
evening in the RS household would be enough
to haunt the deepest recesses of my being, but
if it makes you two warm and fuzzy, im very
happy for you both!

OP, be yourself.

-ARIES

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to samdarella)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 2:08:57 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Well, while I appreciate that we're supposed to be understanding of other people's kinks, I'm afraid I can't get past the Hosta.

I mean I'm broad minded, but introducing a Hosta on a first date is just beyond the fucking pale.

As to the first para, honestly, I don't get it.

The absolutely only sensible thing to do on a first meeting is to be yourself. If you try to "act" another way, you and the sub are both going to be disappointed if things go further.

So, if first meetings aren't going well, then it could be a couple of things. You could be confused about what the sub hopes to get out of a first meeting or you could simply be picking the wrong people to invite to a first meeting.

So start from the beginning.

You're looking for r/l, and you're looking for long term. Setting aside the D/s component.... how do you want the relationship to work?

Speaking for myself, here's how I approach it (bear in mind I'm making no claims whatsoever that this is either a good way of doing things, or the only good way of doing them)..

When I get to know someone, the d/s dynamic is a factor sure, but there are other things that are equally important:-

I'm interested in the sub's values, whether I'd enjoy vanilla time with them, and of course whether we're compatible kink-wise.

So my number 1 priority is to find out whether I think they're compatible with me - It's really up to them to decide whether I'm compatible with them.

If they decide it's a no, then that's great news! It means we've both been saved a lot of angst down the line.

If they decide it's a yes, and I decide it's a no then, it's a shame and all but again - we've both been saved a lot of angst down the line.

I never have expectations of a D/s dynamic on a first date (although I've be astonished by the number of first dates that have ended up well and truly in a D/s dynamic).

And I would never ever bring up the topic of Hostas until the third or fourth date.

_____________________________

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(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 10:04:52 AM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SlipSlidingAway



"(aren't slaves supposed to do the work??)"

Nope.  Not unless the slave belongs to you or is in some form of power exchange with you at that point.   Unless, of course, you both agreed to it before time OR he offered to help out of the goodness of his heart or his desire to be pleasing and/or of service.  The point is, it's not his responsibility to do anything for you on a first meeting.




Even beyond that, it's a mistake to think in terms of what the other person is "supposed" to do. That's just approaching someone as a label rather than as a person. (Which strikes me as the OP's overall issue.) You shouldn't assume just because a person calls themselves a "slave" or "a submissive" or whatever that they are going to fit into a little box and happily behave just as you expect someone with that label to behave.

And also a sub or slaves' behavior or willingness to do things can vary from master to master. A sub/slave might be willing to do gardening for one master and not willing to do it for another. There isn't a rhyme or reason to it, anymore than a vanilla relationship. It's about the energy and chemistry between you.

(in reply to SlipSlidingAway)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 10:25:49 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality
Even beyond that, it's a mistake to think in terms of what the other person is "supposed" to do. That's just approaching someone as a label rather than as a person. (Which strikes me as the OP's overall issue.) You shouldn't assume just because a person calls themselves a "slave" or "a submissive" or whatever that they are going to fit into a little box and happily behave just as you expect someone with that label to behave.

And also a sub or slaves' behavior or willingness to do things can vary from master to master. A sub/slave might be willing to do gardening for one master and not willing to do it for another. There isn't a rhyme or reason to it, anymore than a vanilla relationship. It's about the energy and chemistry between you.

Man... I think CM should put that quote as a banner across the top of all forum pages.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to seekingreality)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 10:30:36 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK

There is the 50 percent of the time you have the slave who wants to see some temperament of the Master on their first visit; then you have the second 50 percent who just want to meet to visit. I keep finding my self being called to strong of a Master and then being called not real enough of a Master after these visits - I seem not to be able to win.

This last time the gentleman said he had experience with other plants but not Hosta (which was going to be worked on). So I gave him as much experience I could during the visit handling the Hosta; as a sign of trust (aren't slaves supposed to do the work??). He had also made indication of his current limits prior his visit and so I also took time to re-test his inferred limits that he had spoke about before (inside),

In this case I was calked to strong. How do the rest of you handle this balancing act of the first meeting? No mater how I do it I seem t loose.

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA


I don't balance a first meeting. If we talk and they bring out my softer, more social type of interaction and dominance, then when we meet that's what I show them.

If we talk and they bring out my more immediate-submission wanting, harder, more imperious nature then that is what I show them when we meet.

If in either case it is not what they are seeking or comfortable with, then I consider it a good thing we found out we don't match in the way that I'd like and feel natural with them.

I don't cater my behavior to trying to be what they seek. I be who I naturally am and let that weed out those I'm not compatible with.


_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 2:58:14 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		First meet should be coffee in public. Not him 'serving' you by doing stuff for you for free. You want a gardener, hire one. Want a long term partner, work on those aspects first. Compatibilities, friendship, ability to talk to each other.

If he had demanded I serve him when I didn't even know him or if there was any chemistry or if we even liked each other, I wouldn't have met him.

However I'm not gay and maybe this works differently in the gay community? Where's Lance or BKSir when you need them?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to samdarella)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 3:33:46 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Ya, I was wondering if it works differently for M/m too.

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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 3:38:57 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I move at my pace. Period. If I tried to adjust my pace to fit what I think is going on in her head, I'll spend so much time watching for cues that I'll botch things up.

First date - do I like her general style/aura? Can she talk? Does she appreciate my sense of humor and have one herself? What is the reason she considers herself submissive? What's she looking for in a Dom/man? Does the conversation flow naturally?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 3:47:07 PM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrPBK

No mater how I do it I seem t loose.



Tighten up a bit.

Desperately trying to be what someone else wants you to be just to have a partner is never going to work regardless of your orientation.

I've had men do this with Me and I've seen through it every single time. It comes off as insincere and insecure.

Be proud and strong in who you are and what you want.

(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 4:10:09 PM   
ReMakeYou


Posts: 147
Joined: 1/20/2012
Status: offline 		Eh, I have to agree with OP a bit here.

Lately, this site has been feeling dry, with a whole lotta nonconnections. Between people spooking at having to test their fantasy against a reality and people who honestly just aren't compatible, eventually it does get frustrating. Not that it changes the reality of a situation, but sometimes you'll want to put on an act if it means blowing off some steam.

(in reply to xLaChienne)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 4:54:38 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReMakeYou

Eh, I have to agree with OP a bit here.

Lately, this site has been feeling dry, with a whole lotta nonconnections. Between people spooking at having to test their fantasy against a reality and people who honestly just aren't compatible, eventually it does get frustrating. Not that it changes the reality of a situation, but sometimes you'll want to put on an act if it means blowing off some steam.


Really? You should blow off some steam by acting out a role and perhaps miss out on a possible connection with someone who doesn't care for the you that you are pretending to be? If things are that hard lately it seems counterproductive to take a chance on missing that special someone that would have clicked with you had you let them know who you are. It also doesn't change the fact that if someone is attracted to you when you put on a show will they still like you when you don't? How long are you going to keep that up?

Relationships in general take a lot of freaking work and it's hard to find someone compatible under any circumstances. Of course that's frustrating, but it's life, and it's one area that you'd want to put in some work instead of picking any old someone who happens to have the right parts.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 4:58:46 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		Meeting and getting comfortable with each other can be a little bit of a bitch and can be awkward. Not always the case though. Yes, there will be times when it feels like you can't WIN. Being either too strong or not strong enough. It's all about their perception of you. Just stay true to yourself first and foremost.



_____________________________

Жизнь ума ебет.

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(in reply to MstrPBK)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:06:32 PM   
xLaChienne


Posts: 259
Joined: 11/12/2011
Status: offline 		I get it. I really do.

There are times when I don't even look at the mail on this site because it's going to be one more person that I have zero in common with or who thinks they are the exception to what I seek.

I balance that with going out to clubs, parties, events, etc. I "blow off steam" with others who are looking to do the same in a way that is mutually beneficial in whatever role fits for the night.

I could never do that with someone seeking a relationship and with whom I already know there isn't enough compatibility for it.

(in reply to ReMakeYou)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:14:34 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
<snipped>
Where's Lance or BKSir when you need them?

You called?
quote:


<snipped>
However I'm not gay and maybe this works differently in the gay community?  
<snipped>

If so, I missed that memo.  Peeps are peeps.  If there's a difference, it's that gay men, being a subset of men, being a subset of pigs, "get it on" sooner, like right then and there.

Meet in the bar, (HEY! it's a public place, right?) and move quickly to "My place or yours?"  Once the heat is off, then men can think about where to go to breakfast.

Do you see an LOL?  Nope.  Not even one in sight.

I have contacted men here and we've done the coffee thing and it's 50 / 50 as to whether there was a click.  Sometimes LOOOOOooong coffee followed by sex. I still have a relationship with one of the men where we did long coffee followed by flogging........ It continues to be a "strange and wonderful relationship."  I'm sure he's strange and that I'm wonderful.  He insists the reverse.

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE.  Get to know them.  PERIOD.  Where does the sex / BDSM "fit in"? About as many different places as when you form your straight (breeder) relationships.

Oh, wait..... I was supposed to give the version of the gay "rules"?  Ain't any, ain't any more rules than y'all got, so stop askin', 'K?

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/28/2012 5:30:18 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:29:29 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline 		I suppose it all depends on what you are looking for... I am not, though I have, been a big "play partner" seeker, I personally am more relationship based. Just me, that's all. In meeting people, I tend to be the same in person as online; I tend to be sarcastic, joking, I am more than willing to answer questions or tell you that I won't, I try to say what I mean. I am not very good at "roles" or "games"... I prefer to be straight forward, sometimes aggressively blunt, not to be mean but I suppose to see if you will wince. Also, I completely suck ass at the entire flirtation thing... someone has to be pretty fucking overt and obvious for me to see it.

When I meet someone, I don't do the Master or Dominant role... probably because as the ex-sub has said "You are not a true Master", no shit, I never claimed to be anything more than I am. I take responsibility for my decisions, I take responsibility for my relationships and I control what I want to control... the rest, I don't really give a fuck about. If I tell you, "I don't care" I mean that, not some passive aggressive shit... and if I say I am done, then I mean that.

I don't know, I think as I sit here responding to this, I find the entire OP somewhat absurdist... and I have always preferred the DaDaist Movement anyway.

Are we there yet?

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:36:21 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		>|<

Message imploded - how very, very DaDaist

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/28/2012 5:40:40 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:38:20 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		To stay with OP and on-topic.... This iconic image from the DaDaist movement raises the question of whether or not one should answer the phone.

 

That is: Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/28/2012 5:41:30 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Damned if you do and damned if you don't. - 7/28/2012 5:39:49 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
DaDa or Surrealism?

< Message edited by CRYPTICLXVI -- 7/28/2012 5:40:19 PM >

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 40
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