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What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/18/2004 5:52:41 AM

passionateslave

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/17/2004
From: Ottawa, Ontario
Status: offline

Dear Mistresses;

I have found from various interactions with a few Mistresses that both verbal abuse and humiliation have a particularly strong controlling motivation that even become addictive over time. Without a doubt my thoughts are truly submissive. But even so, if a Mistress is too easy going and passive and very casual about her interactions with me I simply want to find the nearest door....and I do. How can any Mistress prevent a submissive or slave from just leaving after losing interest? What tools do any Mistress have for control? Psychological tools, contracts, physical bondage, humiliation...What exactly would a submissive or slave fear in their Mistress??? Without the fear of this control then this relationship is simply one where the submissive or slave has as much control as the Mistress. Anyone care to comment...thanks, passionateslave

Post #: 1

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/18/2004 7:29:58 AM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: passionateslave

Dear Mistresses;

I have found from various interactions with a few Mistresses that both verbal abuse and humiliation have a particularly strong controlling motivation that even become addictive over time. Without a doubt my thoughts are truly submissive. But even so, if a Mistress is too easy going and passive and very casual about her interactions with me I simply want to find the nearest door....and I do. How can any Mistress prevent a submissive or slave from just leaving after losing interest? What tools do any Mistress have for control? Psychological tools, contracts, physical bondage, humiliation...What exactly would a submissive or slave fear in their Mistress??? Without the fear of this control then this relationship is simply one where the submissive or slave has as much control as the Mistress. Anyone care to comment...thanks, passionateslave

You might find me, at least in the day to day "too easy going and passive and very casual about interactions."

For me, control is given so there is no 'taking control' only taking up what has been offered. I'm not interested in managing the minutia of someone else's day to day (although I do tend to hang out with people who have a genuine interest in examining my life, getting to know me and figuring out the best way they can fit into my life; and perhaps help me manage my minutia).

I am incredibly intuitive and have a knack for getting under someones' skin just enough to keep them engaged (if I'm so inclined). I find that people do for and give to me because they want to. Those that don't want to really have no business in my inner circle.

The prize for wanting to it getting to be in my inner circle (which doesn't come without benefit). The price for not wanting to is to find yourself "unengaged" with someone who is very different, very intelligent, very passionate and compassionate, wickedly sadistic, has a lot of integrity and is just a lot of fun to be with (me).

But I don't do anything in particular to 'bind' someone to me. If binding doesn't happen naturally then we are not a match.

Suz

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 2

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/20/2004 3:03:23 AM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Granted this question was asked, requesting the Domina point of veiw, so I'll keep my thought brief:

I firmly believe that any slave (or sub) that needs to have control 'taken' on a regular basis to generally be difficult in terms of relationships. I met a woman through a personals sight, and when we started interacting, I found that her greatest desire was to consistantly be 'put in her place.' When I didn't pay enough attention to her needs, she would misbehave, doing things intentionally that she said she didn't do, expecting correction. When I failed to correct her, she eventually turned on me, declaring I wasn't strong enough for her.

Such affronts are usually fighting words for a dominant, and I almost took the bait. Instead, I made it clear to her, in no uncertain terms, that I was not her convienence, and that I expected her to obey, and behave, out of a desire to be found pleasing. I am not a coin operated Dom, I don't whip on demand, I choose who I play with, when, and how, and under what circumstances. In the end, it did not work out. I believed the slave to have simply enjoyed too many SM movies from the internet, and too much time online, though that's simply my opinion, and that she desired a degree and level of lifestyle that her current real life (job, family, college education) would not permit her.

The telling element in this relationship, though, was her lack of interest in me as a person, and her lack of patience for me to learn of her, as a person. I think when the focus shifts from 'what sort of man/woman are you' to 'what can you do for me' and 'how can you make me feel like a slave' that there are already two steps in the wrong direction.

I will, of course, state I am speaking from a D/s relationship standpoint, and not from a BDSM, casual play point of view.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 3

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/20/2004 9:38:01 AM

Erusvi

Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline

Hear! Hear! Spot on, Stephan!

I'll wax on your wisdom a bit, and offer my view of what inspires the need to be found pleasing within a submissive. In a single word: Strength... Strength of character, of mind, of body, of prosperity, of conviction, of personal ethics. Failing in these ways undermines the dynamic between M<insert gender here> and submissive.

I think that people toss the word 'respect' around with far too little reverence. Too many people equate respect to fear or obligation. To me, respect is synonomous with 'admiration'. Give your submissive something to admire, and they'll give you admirable service.

Just my 2 copper...

_____________________________

Schno
ErusVI
Los Angeles
Owner of dahanala
www.esenem.net
[image]http://www.esenem.net/Gallery/albums/2005_08_Savage/SM_1.thumb.jpg[/image]

(in reply to Voltare)

Post #: 4

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/29/2004 8:59:26 AM

desire214

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/25/2004
Status: offline

I like it when the Mistress is in charge of me. When I submit total control to her, the excitement and the juices flow.
Giving of myself for someone else is such a beautiful thing.
I don't like dirty names or verbal abuse but I do like those glowing stares that may motivate me to give a little more.

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 5

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 1/29/2004 9:01:52 PM

akame

Posts: 64
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

i have found,
the best way to control anyone, top or bottom in my world is to simply get into they're head space.
find the door into the mind and you have them.
use your brain to keep they'res all filled with you all day.
fun things like cock rings, or ping pong ball can keep you in mind all day, giggles.
also, it isn't as much what you say, as how you say it, i have found a whisper in the ear is more intense and gets me or them into the space much faster then any other tone of voice i have tried thus far.
try coming up behind your sub/slave while you whisper your words, cruel or kind, whichever they need, or just whisper it enough for them to strain to hear you, even if you don't touch them in any other way, that will catch and keep the attention they desire to give you.
the attention the need to give to you.
and remember, it is the attention you need as well.
and for times other then scenes, giving them plenty to do to think of you should help, letters to you, tasks to preform, toys to build for you, items to wear for you all day, these things keep the mind where it needs to be. firmly on you! keep it creative as well as erotic fun for them and as intensely exotic and sensual as you can think of or find suggestions for online or in books or wherever.
give them just enough of your time and you will have all of they'res at your beck and call. it's that easy,
hugzzz,
me

(in reply to desire214)

Post #: 6

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/1/2004 10:48:51 AM

domdiva40

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/1/2004
Status: offline

I have found a stern paddling and dildo work wonders!

_____________________________

Mistress Amanda

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

my pic is on my profile http://profiles.yahoo.com/domdiva40

(in reply to akame)

Post #: 7

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/2/2004 10:49:07 AM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Amanda,

Oddly enough, I've found anal dildos to be rather effective as well. Men and women alike seem to be less ornery and arguementatitve under such discipline.

Chuckles.

Stephan

_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to domdiva40)

Post #: 8

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/3/2004 3:25:26 PM

MsAkasha8

Posts: 23
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have found that a submissive that has pride in being a submissive is the best. Also, to have pride in any job or function that they are asked to do. To strive to be better than they were before. When I encounter a SAM, I punish them with solitary confinement. Not having my attention, good or bad, seems to change their attitude quickly. I reward with a scene of their choosing. Minor infractions, bring out my sadistic side, and I can play to my hearts content.
It is difficult on a 24/7 basis. A sub/slave can get what I call the pedistal sydrome. Which can be quite draining on a Dom. A Dom needs down time occasionally and if they don't get it, they can start to resent their sub. OOPS, I have veered off subject!

Attachment (1)

(in reply to Voltare)

Post #: 9

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/4/2004 12:40:59 PM

msangel4u

Posts: 14
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline

If one is one Dominant then she is in control. Let us not all forget however that the submissive as well is responsible for power exchange taking place. If one isnt willing to give up their power franklyI wont wrench it from you. I will show you the door. You wont have to be bothered with finding it yourself.

I expect certain behaviors and compliances. If you cannot give me what I seek then I will find one who can. That does not mean I will not let you know what my desires are. It just means you had better know its not a request. A bit of reluctance or needing training are never release issues, however I will not engage in an ongoing fight to have your submission. Its my due if you wish to serve me.

I was once asked what it means to be Dominant in a public play space. I looked at mine snapped my fingers and said put your nose to wall. He simply complied without question.

~^A^~

< Message edited by msangel4u -- 2/4/2004 12:43:25 PM >

(in reply to MsAkasha8)

Post #: 10

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/7/2004 6:42:03 PM

toy38nl

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/7/2004
Status: offline

indeed yust do it , dont ask and maybe bag for more

(in reply to msangel4u)

Post #: 11

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/14/2004 7:01:16 PM

lastsamuri

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Here is how I tick and what I believe.
Respect is a two way street. I will give a Domme the world if she respects me. if she doesnt she quickly learns that respect from me is earned not given.
It is the golden rule of the Domme/slave respect and be respected.

(in reply to toy38nl)

Post #: 12

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/15/2004 5:23:26 AM

iwillserveu

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

This question was for Dominas. I'll keep my comments short.

quote:

What exactly would a submissive or slave fear in their Mistress???

That in a nutshell is the crux of the matter.

The answers differ based on what kind of relationship you and your mistress have. Is fear based motivation what you really want?

Even in a non-BDSM setting fear is lousy motivator. Quick, easy, etc. but lousy. If you're afraid of someone at the first chance you can get away with it you'll let the feared one down.

The other motivator takes time is difficult, etc. but someone with it will not need the constant threat over them to do what the beloved wants. Of course I'm not talking exclusively in BDSM, but love happens here too.:)

A slave that truly fears his Mistress will poison her cereal and take any keys he needs off of her dead body.

A slave that loves his Mistress will suffer anything with bound by only a fragile string if he knows his suffering truly makes her happy.

(The key word in that fear sentence was "truly".)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 13

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/16/2004 2:39:27 PM

tbear

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline

What would I fear in my Mistress? Well first of all for me to accept a Lady as my Mistress there must be trust! If there is trust then there should be no fear. Well except for fear of disappointing my Mistress. Not because of any punishment I would get but because I want very much to please Her.

tbear

(in reply to iwillserveu)

Post #: 14

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 2/17/2004 9:51:34 PM

MistressMarielle

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2004
Status: offline

I'm thinking about this "best way to control a sub" and I am reading all these fantastic responses < some I read the whole thing...some I skim - I find Myself agreeing most closely with Suz> Well, I have had online subs/slaves for the past 6 years and I have recently moved into some real time. What I have noticed in My own ability or inclination to control slaves is the choice I make in the first place. So, in this, is MY responsibility. The interview process....if it is not long enough, One ends up choosing a slave with poor potential. So, number one ....don't take in a rush. Choose intelligence, maturity, loyalty, ability to commit, and one with good character. < C'mon Ladies...we all know that the boys outnumber us, like, a zillion to One...so there are choices>. Number two...take your time getting to know your sweet prospect....with a probationary period. During that time you push, pull, delve and reveal....do so sweetly, roughly, playfully, and inconsistently

so that you are in charge of the equilibrium in the relationship. In this process....listen...watch...feel deeply his answers/reponses. What you look for are his passions. Because I am really no actress, I choose to find what I can most genuinely connect with in these passionate areas of his. When I speak of passions, I don't necessarily mean "fetish" or preference of sexual play. Passions come from the soul and that is where you look that is where you will find his most responsive spots that will cause him to ache for you. you must let him into you, also, so that he can taste that your mutual passion is real....deep....and so very strong.

I personally find this process immensely rewarding. Even if, over time, you discover that you two are not the right match, there will always be something that you have gained by moving harmoniously with another human being for a time...touching their soul....tasting of their essence. Granted...you may be risking personal pain in the parting, but I consider it well worth it and it is never as unto death. And...when you find a slave that you connect with, passionately, on a number of levels the dance is exquisite and rich. He will desire to obey, to stretch, to expand his boundaries...simply for YOU. And it is so very sweet. I find that the struggles that occur, even still, are full of excitement and challenge for both and the rewards all the greater when both collapse in exhaustion, laughing weakly when YOU have won.

With all My wordy blathering I could have just zipped My lips and pointed once again to the gentleman who inspires Me with My daily mantra when he said, " A Woman's power lies in the passion that She can arouse in a man." Oh yes, Leopold, you are so right.
(to clarify for newbies....I refer to Leopold von Sacher-Masoch)

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 15

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 9/18/2006 10:17:29 PM

Dommeseeksone

Posts: 20
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline

I personally value the submission. And would not force nor take a slaves control. If it is not freely given then there is no submission in the first place. And as to keeping a slaves attention ...lol well that is where it is so important to find the proper match. Just because a Domme and slave are so does not mean they are meant to be together. And frankly a slave that just freely walks away from out of his boredom shows his lack of imagination and discipline. It is not a Dommes place to entertain a slave 24/67. And for a slave to expect so is a lack of a submissive nature.

(in reply to MistressMarielle)

Post #: 16

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 9/18/2006 11:56:59 PM

demistress

Posts: 391
Joined: 4/24/2006
From: Dela-where?
Status: offline

I'm with alot of the other domme here. I dont' want a slave or sub I have to TAKE control of. If they do not offer their submission willingingly, I don't want it.

(in reply to Dommeseeksone)

Post #: 17

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 9/19/2006 3:45:21 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings voltare

i find what you wrote to be so true. i find many of the slave or submissive jump to wanting to be beaten etc right away they do not want to know about me the person who when i am relaxing or doing hobbies they leave and i let them. i want someone who will want to learn what i am my dislike and likes my things i treasure but they are hard to find i did have one but he had a thing about me being a twin and swore my sister would be online it became a breaking point but he and i did have the same likes the thinking was the same history no many know so of what i study and read but it did not work but i could not have him tell me my twin was wanting him and she was online. how did i know she never spoke with him?
she is dyslexic as i am and is lol scare to death of the computer she thinks it is alive and will not touch it. so i look on for someone who knows and will listen

i enjoy you post and reply before i never had a chnce to say thank you for wonderful things you wrote take care and be well

mons

(in reply to demistress)

Post #: 18

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 9/19/2006 4:14:22 AM

maledave777

Posts: 67
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

I feel a sub or slave must give himself to a Mistress. I feel most Mistresses would quickly lose interest in a sub they could not control. A sub must have a desire to do things for her, to make her life easier. I do feel that the Mistress must give something in return. I feel that the relationship is to build each other up.
That is not to say she would not use the rod of correction. She can have this look in her eye; “Don’t even go there.” I would kneel at her feet and ask her what I can do for her today.

maledave777

(in reply to MistressMarielle)

Post #: 19

RE: What is the BEST WAY to Control a Submissive or Slave - 9/19/2006 7:28:55 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I think it depends on what one wants from a Ds relationship. I want the authority -- how I use that authority is dependant on me and it is influenced by not just my beliefs but by my slave's. We spent a good deal of time discussing things and then another 8 months of training to get to know each other. We stayed together because the areas we wish to have me control matched and because we had so many other things in common or complementary.

The biggest area of control is names and names are powerful. For a while Fox had a slave name but as we grew closer together and after he moved into my house we decided that a separate name only indicated that he was somehow less mine than he was someone else. So no, one name for him, his name, which indicates at any moment he is still mine.

The opposite side of this is my name. My name is only to be used on two ocassions. First, around vanillas to whom revealing the full nature of relationship might be harmful -- both our work collegeagues and our families who only know what is necessary for them to know. More often than not he simply won't use my name with them but just reply with "She's fine, she's busy, etc" and not introduce my name into a conversation with them. The second reason to use my name is as a "red" or a safeword indicating that something is a problem. Otherwise and at all other times I am "Mistress" to Fox.

Words have a profound impact on our experience of the world. I have found that the men and women I want to own and best controled through words and through consistancy of my actions, attitudes, and expectations.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to passionateslave)

Post #: 20

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