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lizi -> RE: Sweet Revenge (8/2/2012 8:41:13 AM)
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I'm glad to hear that you ditched something that wasn't working for you, and you seem to feel vindicated that it was the right decision. Try to hang on to feeling that you did the right thing. As the others have pointed out as well as yourself, you are indeed angry with yourself. Anger isn't such a terrible thing, but it becomes destructive and it hinders you if you hold on to it for too long.
I'm kind of a literal person, I need to plan things out. If you are a similar type and if you feel you want to indulge in the feeling of anger, or that it might do you some good to just feel that anger temporarily, then do everything you can (short of contacting the guy) to get it out of your system. Think horrible thoughts, smash things (somewhere that you can't hurt yourself or anyone else), scream into a pillow (or out loud if you don't think the neighbors will hear), write a letter with every single thing that disgusts you about the situation and don't send it. Set a time for doing all of that and then move on when the allotted time is up by shutting that internal door and opening the positive, time-to-move-on door instead.
There's something to be said for wallowing in a negative emotion and getting it out of the system. The trick is to pre-set your time, plan out your activities of what you will do, don't involve him personally at all, and understand that when the time is up you are done with that phase. Moving on from doing this for me would take yet another session where i sat down and figured out exactly what I would do now to replace the negative things I just experienced. I'd take up a new hobby. Say yes to lunch with a friend. Get my ass to the gym for an extra workout. Try to say hello and chit chat to 3 strangers. Try a new recipe for dinner, especially if you are cooking for yourself. Reconnect by calling a family member. Anything that does NOT involve him- he's done and out of your life.
Is all of this rather simplistic...yes. Stuff like this works for me. At the heart of it, it's very much what the other posters have suggested along the lines of taking the time to experience your grief and anger as being valid, then faking it till you make it and can move on. Add whatever components appeal to you and you're on your way. Keep in mind, none of this getting over him is worth squat if you don't figure out what drove you to accept this in the first place. You have to learn what happened here so you don't ever go through it again. That's the biggest lesson.
I'd say the biggest thing that always works for me is writing letters of whatever I am angry, hurt, or sad about. I take a lot of time to say every detail that bothers me, and I take a lot of time with it if I need to. Sometimes I write letter after letter. I never send these letters though, I put them all in a folder and when I hear from him, or am tempted to get in touch, I reread them. The time I spend on the letters is therapeutic and is usually enough for me to put it behind me.
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