Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister?

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Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 5:57:43 PM

LookieNoNookie

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My (older) brother lived a very hard life (we lived apart....I went to private boarding schools...he....public...neither of us graduated with any kind of honors)...lots of shit that just seemed to land on him...it happens...a few years back my Father died, we were both named co-executors, I was the only one actually up to the task, Brother lived a very Unitarian life....I was the one who did the study, law, etc....he just went about his way...and then...Dad died.

It's not that important the size of the Estate...it was more than (Brother's) skill set to handle. I hadn't spoken to my Dad in 21 years (didn't like him....loved him....didn't like him...sue me)...and now....Brother has (after 2 years from Dad's exit....and easily 20 some years of me and his {Brother} staid existence....he spills his guts to me (last weekend)...and it was brutal....not anything against me but....parasitic stuff...things that most of us here would think...."well...you're one of us" but for him....desperate (not one of us)....he's a holy roller and for him....this stuff is crushing him.

I'm the guy that everyone in the fam is looking up to....all good....I do this stuff in my sleep but....how do I help him?

Some of this stuff I wonder if it's reclaimed/false memories (don't know the correct phrase, but you know what I'm saying)...

He's a good man but he is beside himself in pain.....he's my older brother.....he's the guy that protected me all those years....now I think I have to protect him.

Any advice (with this less than full explanation) would be more than, and quite useful.

I'd like to ease his pain.

(I know I didn't give enough to discern here but....I suspect you all can grasp this discussion....at least I hope so).

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 7:00:26 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Damn, JJ. This doesn't seem like something we should discuss publically... why don't you email me the skinny and I'll see what I can come up with.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 7:25:26 PM

DesFIP

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He needs someone else to talk to who can help him. Someone with that skill set. A damned good therapist is my suggestion.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 8:29:11 PM

littlewonder

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Sorry you're going through this. When a parent or sibling or someone very close dies, everyone comes out in the woodwork to show their true colors, their anger, their sorrow, etc....

The only way I can tell you to overcome this is to talk to a really good friend, talk to a counselor or even a spiritual advisor, maybe the priest or pastor of where you held the service, if you did. And then I think you need to have a heart to heart brother talk. Just tell him you want peace and to have a brother back that you can love. He's probably hurting just as much as you are and this is his way of dealing with the grief. I know my sisters did the same thing when our father died. Eventually we all had to come to terms with the situation and try to work things out siblings to siblings. But don't forget you all need time to grieve.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 9:34:00 PM

RemoteUser

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He is what he is, and you'll do what you need to.

Family gets that simple despite the complexities. Been there.

Mail me on the other side if ya like.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/2/2012 11:30:32 PM

sexyred1

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Wow, family stuff is very heavy. I have two brothers and one of them inexplicably does not talk to our family and no one understands why; we thought we had such a close family with amazing parents.

Sometimes one person experiences things that you are just not aware of.

The only thing you can do it to be there for him, talk it out and just be a supportive brother to him. People have to process things and if he feels like a victim of something he is going to have to deal with that in his own way.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 12:36:18 AM

ARIES83

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You should discuss this with a therapist.
There are also free phone services that let
you receive confidential and professional
advice, A lot of pre-grad psychology students
volunteer at most of them, i'd equate it to
getting your hair done by a barber student,
but come on,
This is the internet...

If you were kidnapped you'd call the police
right?
Good luck, Hope you work it out.

-ARIES

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 7:12:45 AM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

He needs someone else to talk to who can help him. Someone with that skill set. A damned good therapist is my suggestion.

That's what I was thinking too.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 8:44:16 AM

DesFIP

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So find him one. Go in with him the first few times. Nothing wrong with family therapy. You both have issues to deal with re your father, just different issues.

If you can begin to open up, model how to do that for him, then maybe he can continue. Either with you or on his own.

Nowhere is it written that you can't be a spiritual person and go to therapy. Healing those wounds will help him connect to God better.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 10:22:17 AM

LadyPact

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JJ, there's not much I think I can put on the public forum if I'm getting the right vibe.

My mail box is ALWAYS open.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 1:35:38 PM

DomMeinCT

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

So find him one. Go in with him the first few times. Nothing wrong with family therapy. You both have issues to deal with re your father, just different issues.If you can begin to open up, model how to do that for him, then maybe he can continue. Either with you or on his own.

Nowhere is it written that you can't be a spiritual person and go to therapy. Healing those wounds will help him connect to God better.

I cannot agree more.
It would be an incredible show of solidarity and brotherly love to do this with him.

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 3:37:49 PM

LookieNoNookie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

JJ, there's not much I think I can put on the public forum if I'm getting the right vibe.

My mail box is ALWAYS open.

Thank you (and Hib)...not sure I'm ready to divulge....trying to interpret his writings. It's pretty heavy shit...some is a bit over the top, some seems (to me) that it fits quite well into wiiwd.

Not quite sure how to bring him in and let him know there are others without divulging mine....some of his stuff is a smidge over the edge...but what wasn't 20 years ago?

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 8/3/2012 3:43:51 PM >

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/3/2012 10:03:12 PM

Silentrunner26

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You started it off great you listened and did not brush him off . Your a good man but he needs some major help . I would start off by taking him to your fathers grave and talking to him . Let him cuss your dad out and get things out of his mind and into the open . Get him to see that it is over and life is new . He has a chance at a real life and now is the time for it . Pissing on the head stone may help to .

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RE: Have you ever wondered about your brother or sister? - 8/4/2012 1:01:20 AM

crazyml

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Hey,

You've already had some really thoughtful advice, so I'm not adding much here but...

First, I wish you all the best, man, it's a hard road you're on.

Having been in a comparable situation, the one piece of advice I'd give is to look after yourself as a priority. You need to make sure that you stay strong and able to function.

And the second is that this shouldn't be a road you have to travel alone - as others have said, look for help in the form of therapy and counselling. And, and I said this with sincerity, consider going along to counselling with your brother.

I hope things get easier, and that you and your bro get through this.

ML

[ETA - more explanation on looking after youself]

< Message edited by crazyml -- 8/4/2012 1:15:33 AM >

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