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RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 10:23:22 AM

Kana

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quote:

For change to be effective, the subject needs to want to change....for themselves. Changing for someone else rarely works.

Broadly speaking, when I want to help someone more than they wanna help themselves, that's when I'm outta there

quote:

If a Dominant wishes to effect change, they need to make sure that the submissive has the tools to succeed.

Agreed. I think a massive part of any dominants role is creating a situation where she can maximize her potential-that means prepping for success, not setting her up for failure...and that means not only making sure she has the tools to do the job, but the knowledge, training and wherewithal to use them.

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Post #: 41

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 10:50:31 AM

RemoteUser

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If you have communication and respect, you'll be fine. Keep telling him how you feel, and listen to his responses! Even if your self control isn't up to snuff, if you respect and trust him, you'll start to respond to his actions/reactions. Learn from that.

I will stress again to talk. It's a big thing. Without sharing your thoughts and feelings he's left blind, and that's not kosher in any kind of relationship.

Best of luck to both of you!

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Post #: 42

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 11:17:09 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

O, i dont think he intended to have sex with me, but it progressed. I thought he would be more in control of his urges. And because he didnt stop it, i asked for sex and he gave it to me..but is that putting my own need before his? Is having a strong sexual attraction to your Dom or sub a bad thing?

You wanted to have sex, he wanted to have sex; that sounds like a win-win situation to me?

Why are you portraying it as something bad?
If he didn't want to have sex, he could have said "No", or simply not responded.

Why was sex "off the table" so to speak in that situation?

There is another point I would like to make:

There is absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being a bottom.

I am not implying you are one; I am just clarifying that IF by chance that is what you are, that there is nothing wrong with it.

If you enjoy receiving sensations but don't care so much for actually submitting, or if you enjoy being a masochist but serving isn't your cuppa, you might be a "bottom" and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with being who you are.

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Post #: 43

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 11:26:03 AM

ohsobroken

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Thank You :)

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Post #: 44

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 2:47:20 PM

kiwisub12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

O, i dont think he intended to have sex with me, but it progressed. I thought he would be more in control of his urges. And because he didnt stop it, i asked for sex and he gave it to me..but is that putting my own need before his? Is having a strong sexual attraction to your Dom or sub a bad thing?

For me, and i would think for a majority of people into BDSM, BDSM is a sexual experience. I'm not saying that has to be penetration sex, but with me, the act of submission and play is very sexual, even if sex isn't involved. And for me, having a sexual attraction for my dom is a great thing!

- if for no other reason than it gives him another thing to incorporate into our play. Think orgasm control. If there was no attraction, there would be no issue.

There are purely service submissive, but i really can't get my mind around doing housework etc just for pleasure. I'd rather get paid for it - lol.

I came into BDSM late, and made a conscious decision to be as honest as i could with my dom. I talked about sex and submission more with him in a week than i did with my husband in 13 years. Is it any wonder that i had a fabulous sex life with him and was as happy as a dog in cowmuck.

( for those of you who didn't grow up on a farm - thats VERY happy).

If there is something you wonder about, you need to feel free to ask, comment or question. Its only by asking that you can learn, and he can know what you are thinking.

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Post #: 45

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 3:18:07 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Did it come from "Story of O?" It's been a long time since I read that.

Hmmm. She did go through the long drawn out process of being extremely objectified, but, she agreed to everything, and seemed cognizant of what was being asked of her. Whereas when people use the term 'breaking' to describe a BDSM process for an s type to undergo it seems to me that it's more of a mental transformation, whereas O didn't transform as much as become truer to herself. More of a clarification in her case or finding her purer essence.

It's also been about 30ish years since I read this so I could be off, but The Story of O doesn't seem to me to embody this let me break you down and build you back up into my perfect mindless automaton. She always seemed to me to be that automaton from the start. And quite possibly I'm not remembering correctly, lol.

I wonder if you're on to something though with having the idea of breaking someone coming from one of the classics in the genre. Seems very possible.

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Post #: 46

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 3:36:12 PM

ohsobroken

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Sex wasnt off the table..it was during aftercare that things got steamy and the ball got rolling. He was trying to teach me a lesson in self control and putting my needs last. My problem is that im hesitant- i had a bad past experience with a so-called Dom. When he gives me things to do, i hesitate. We practiced oral servitude..and i hesitated. He told me to shower in front of him..again..i hesitated. But when i was feeling all fuzzy..i asked for more..and he gave it too me..once clothes were off..i hesitated..but he wasnt having that lol..i got what i asked for but didnt get release lol

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Post #: 47

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 3:46:53 PM

DesFIP

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How long have you known him? Because if it hasn't been a long time, meaning a couple of years minimum, then hesitation and having to work up to do something that's difficult for you is normal. Expecting you to be a blank slate with no issues from your upbringing and/or your ex (es) is foolish.

As far as self control goes, it depends on how much you want the something and whether or not you're capable of controlling yourself. There are medically valid causes for difficulty in this area and if this is something you generally have difficulty with, you might benefit by psychological testing to see if you're a candidate for any specific therapy and/or medication.

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Post #: 48

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/7/2012 4:41:21 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

when I want to help someone more than they wanna help themselves, that's when I'm outta there

I wish someone would make me write this 1,000 times.

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Post #: 49

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/8/2012 6:58:21 AM

DesFIP

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I'm still wondering about the sex part. If she had specified during negotiations that she didn't want to have sex with him, and he took advantage of her subspace and fuzzy headedness after play to change her mind, then I don't think he's got any integrity. In that situation, you could talk me into damn near anything. But being able to doesn't mean you should.

The time to talk about changing the relationship from nonsexual to sexual is when the other person can think straight, not when they can't.

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Post #: 50

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/8/2012 4:12:26 PM

FrankAr

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

when I want to help someone more than they wanna help themselves, that's when I'm outta there

I wish someone would make me write this 1,000 times.

In this day and age......is that by the pen or not using spell checker or not using cut and paste...lol.

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Post #: 51

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/8/2012 6:58:46 PM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken
Sex wasnt off the table..it was during aftercare that things got steamy and the ball got rolling. He was trying to teach me a lesson in self control and putting my needs last. My problem is that im hesitant- i had a bad past experience with a so-called Dom. When he gives me things to do, i hesitate. We practiced oral servitude..and i hesitated. He told me to shower in front of him..again..i hesitated. But when i was feeling all fuzzy..i asked for more..and he gave it too me..once clothes were off..i hesitated..but he wasnt having that lol..i got what i asked for but didnt get release lol

Man... I'm really, really trying here. But I just keep reading this and I just keep getting to, "Two consenting adults had sex.". It just doesn't seem all that dramatic to me. You both talked yourself into some hot sweaty sex all the time telling yourselves you shouldn't. So what? It happens every day... lots.

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Post #: 52

RE: Deep soul searching?? - 8/8/2012 7:19:12 PM

graceadieu

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Joined: 3/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken

Sex wasnt off the table..it was during aftercare that things got steamy and the ball got rolling. He was trying to teach me a lesson in self control and putting my needs last. My problem is that im hesitant- i had a bad past experience with a so-called Dom. When he gives me things to do, i hesitate. We practiced oral servitude..and i hesitated. He told me to shower in front of him..again..i hesitated. But when i was feeling all fuzzy..i asked for more..and he gave it too me..once clothes were off..i hesitated..but he wasnt having that lol..i got what i asked for but didnt get release lol

Stop worrying. This all sounds totally normal, especially since you're new to this and new with him.

What you describe as your hesitation problem will almost certainly resolve itself over time, as you get more used to submitting to him and build trust. Which will probably be the point when he starts giving you more orders.

And a D/s couple having a lot of sexual chemistry and having sex after play is also very normal and common.

So stop worrying, relax and just enjoy the ride.