Process of Getting to Know One Another (Full Version)

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subKLee -> Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:32:22 PM)

Hello All. First I'd like to say that since I've been a member of this site, I have learned so much already in the last 5 weeks or so. I've chatted with many...sometimes I think I get good advice and other times I am very very confused. I've been learning from many different sources...books and websites. However, I can't seem to grasp how the process works. You meet online...and you begin talking. Initially you begin to see if you might have interests in common. You exchange pics....and begin having conversations...online and then maybe by phone or cam. FROM THIS POINT...it all seems to go haywire. A few of the men (Dom) have asked me to begin tasks (journals, lists, self discovery type things, text them every hour, etc). Some begin speaking to me as if I were already their sub. A more than a few present themselves as one thing and then you find out they are something else. I think it is very important for each of you to get to know one another. I myself prefer to meet (in public) sooner rather than later (after a few weeks or month) as I think chemistry is important. Also, I need to see how He moves, sounds, makes eye contact, treats others etc.

Okay, I apologize, I haven't asked a question yet. Here are a few:

What would be a general process between a Dom and sub getting to know one another? Is regular and daily communication expected or recommended? If a Dom says they are interested in pursing the process, what would communication look like? (amount, type, intensity) What should a sub look out for to avoid a Dom who is not serious, or misrepresents himself...or is potentially dangerous?

Note: I said on my profile I was looking for a long term situation. I've had some Dom's say that I should be trained or mentored...and others that said it is better than I am not as they would like to mold me. Could you also comment on this.

Thank you in advance for helping me understand. Kristina



OsideGirl -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:42:07 PM)

My personal view is until we've met face to face, and I've decided that I like you enough to agree to a dynamic.....D/s of any sort doesn't happen. Same went for sex. Other than generalities I wouldn't even discuss sex or D/s until I knew that it was someone that I wanted to see again after the initial meeting.

These guys aren't your Dom, until you agree they're your Dom....and if you engage in D/s now, then meet and decide he's the biggest doorknob on the planet....you've confused the issue for him.



chemeli -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:44:11 PM)

I'm in the same situation as you. Trying out this site for less time then you, but going out with my guts, with what i think might work out for me or not. I'm trying to be the more honest, respectfull that i can be, even when saying to someone that i'm not interested. If you want honesty, the best that you can give is the same.

I might give you my own input here, you take it or not. I'm talking with Doms and some who i have a potential of meeting, i meet and then, i'm just myself. They are naturally Dominant, so we should already have fallen in a kind of guide me-follow me kind of dance. You just have to trust your own instinct with this and if their guidance is what you feel is right for you.

It's little steps for both of the person, take your time and the answer should be right in front of you. Communication, well it depends on both availability of both of you and if you're both curious about each other, contacts shouldnt be hard to make. If a Dom is interested (and you feel you are too) then it's easy. If a Dom is interested and you arent sure, take it easy, at worst tell him that you want to take the time to know him further and take it from there.

For a Dom potentially dangerous? I would call out the same things as for the vanilla relationship : be careful, tell people where you are during the time you meet (in a public place), and well, they'll not be outfront about their dangerousness i guess....so just be careful? I really dont know what to tell you about this. Everyone can lie.....just be careful. I'm having the same issues and i'm guessing well.....instincts will tell me?

Hope it helps a little.



GreedyTop -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:47:10 PM)

It's just like this old fashioned thing called dating. you go out, maybe have coffee. You chit chat about stuff and find out if you have basic compatibility. As the comfort level between you increases over time (and I mean time as in more than the hour or so you spend having coffee), you begin to discuss kink interests, again seeing if there is compatibility. Then, go from there, always communicating with each other.


IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!! BDSM or D/s does NOT make it different!!!!



CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:55:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!! BDSM or D/s does NOT make it different!!!!


I have to agree with greedy's subtlety here. A lot of times, coming into this new, no idea, seeking... and it is easy to get confused. Easy to trust and actually go against your own instincts. Just because you are submissive doesn't mean that you are stupid, well, you might be, I don't know you but it isn't mandatory. Really.

The online thing, well, fuck... I fall back to my same old shit here, stop. Relax. You aren't going to lose "the right one". Learn more about who you are, what you want, what you expect from a partner. Journal writing is a good idea coming into this new, but write for yourself, your own reflection, your own seeking. Right now you don't owe anyone shit. You don't owe someone online calls, journals, cams, tit shots, whatever. IF you are seeking a L/T situation, then step away from the fantasy fucks right now.

I don't know where you are from but unless you live in a research center in Antarctica, I would be willing to bet there is something, somewhat local to you. Get to know people, learn, interact. I will not say you will not meet someone from the internet... but it sure as hell isn't your only option, it probably isn't even your best option.

Oh... and listen to several of the longtime female posters here, they'll help you straighten your shit out.

And if none of this works, just send all of your money to GreedyTop.



poise -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 6:56:06 PM)

Hi Kristina. I'm glad you've been finding the site helpful, and hope you continue enjoying your time here.
As for The Process, unfortunately, it's always going to be specific to the 2 people involved.
There really is no different set of rules simply because you both are using BDSM labels to define yourself.

I would suggest that you treat each new aquaintance as you would in the vanilla sense.
If you don't find chemistry with him, none of his dominance is going to be meaningful for you.
And most importantly, you basically run the show up until you decide to vacate the directors chair,
so you are under no obligation to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.

Once a relationship is progressing, you will learn the things that are most pleasing to the man you
choose to please. That can be a form of training. But when random men tell you they want to train you
and you havent even decided if you like them or not, it sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? Most often the offer of
training is used as a means for a Dom to get all the benefits without any committment.
The same goes for putting you under consideration.




DarkSteven -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:17:50 PM)

What would be a general process between a Dom and sub getting to know one another?

For me, chat leading to phone conversations, possibly with emails in between. If she's local, meeting within two or three weeks.

Is regular and daily communication expected or recommended?

Regular communication, yes. My rule is three times a week - less than that, and things just stagnate. Daily communication, no.

If a Dom says they are interested in pursing the process, what would communication look like? (amount, type, intensity)

Regular communications. I'll get sexual, but only after ensuring we're vanilla-compatible first.

What should a sub look out for to avoid a Dom who is not serious, or misrepresents himself...or is potentially dangerous?

Good general rules are to ask for references, to see if he's active in the local community (sometimes abusers and bad doms are active locally, but more often not), seeing if he really does ask about your situation and take it into account, and if he has a sense of humor about himself. Also, gut feel - do you feel comfortable with the guy and think he's looking out for you?

I've had some Dom's say that I should be trained or mentored...and others that said it is better than I am not as they would like to mold me.

I've known a few Doms to mentor and train, but usually it's a gambit to get free play from you. If it's someone local, accept gladly any info about local events.



ARIES83 -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:22:02 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

It's just like this old fashioned thing called dating. you go out, maybe have coffee. You chit chat about stuff and find out if you have basic compatibility. As the comfort level between you increases over time (and I mean time as in more than the hour or so you spend having coffee), you begin to discuss kink interests, again seeing if there is compatibility. Then, go from there, always communicating with each other.


IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!! BDSM or D/s does NOT make it different!!!!


QFT

OP, If I were in your position, I would be wary
of people acting like they power over you
that you hadn't met.
For me, theres a big diffrence between being
in a D/s relationship and acting like any of that
applies to people you don't know or have just
met...
Do these internet/penpal masters go into a shop
and act like the girl behind the counter is their
bitch? "I want a coffiee, fetch it for me now, and
while you are making it, tell me how good it feels
serving my will. Mwa ha haa."

In my world the same manners and consideration
you should use in public, also applies to a sub you
don't know or have just met.

Collarme is good in one way, you can plainly see if
you have interests in common at first glance, if a guy
wants to be a master in his personal life you still need
to get to know each other as people first don't you?

-ARIES



graceadieu -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:22:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

It's just like this old fashioned thing called dating. you go out, maybe have coffee. You chit chat about stuff and find out if you have basic compatibility. As the comfort level between you increases over time (and I mean time as in more than the hour or so you spend having coffee), you begin to discuss kink interests, again seeing if there is compatibility. Then, go from there, always communicating with each other.


IT IS A RELATIONSHIP!! BDSM or D/s does NOT make it different!!!!


I wish somebody had pounded this into my head when I was 5 weeks into exploring D/s! It all seems strange and exotic and mysterious at first, but at first it's really pretty much just normal dating with maybe some kinky sex. The objective down the line is some mutually agreed-upon power exchange, but even then most/all of the regular relationship rules still apply.



sexyred1 -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:24:37 PM)

Totally what Greedy said. At 45 years old, you should not have to ask what the process is to meet someone for a long term relationship.

Tasks and assignments are for your job; not to be requested by strange dudes online.

Someone telling me how many times to text them? Yeah right.

I am not being mean, just astounded that people have to ask about this as if it is some magical process because it involves BDSM.

There is no process other than what you are comfortable with.



GreedyTop -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:25:04 PM)

Steven, the only caveats to what you said is this, IMO:

if you ask for references, be sure you trust the source of the ref.

also, as many folks here have stated, local community may not indicate anything other than a preference for not being out in the community.


OP: assuming you have a bit of common sense, just trust your gut. if something seems off, go with that until and unless you can verify otherwise.



ARIES83 -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:25:36 PM)

Laughing my ass off at all the greedytop quotes.




subKLee -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:43:27 PM)

Thank you everyone for such quick answers! The main reason I asked these questions was to get validation and support. Honestly, I don't know it all and am open to learning from everyone (great stuff and the crap).

OsideGirl - thank you..I think f2f is key for me. And as Poise mentioned, if there is no chemistry, dominance goes out the window.
Chemeli - I'm very honest and have also put myself out there. I'm always myself...I like me.  I'm second guessing my instinct because of the D/s dynamic. I ask mostly about communication because I believe there should be plenty of it...if you've chatted, find things in common, and feel some kind of excitement as to the potential..wouldn't the communication be regular and become more intense? Would you not trust further and begin opening up more? I've talked to quite a few people...met a few. I know when I don't want to continue...and with this blossoming submissive part of me....one main clue is that all of a sudden I hear myself saying...I could never submit to him. So thank you Chemeli...good luck. Maybe we should talk more and support each other.
Greedy Top and CrypticXVI - Yes, I do know that D/s are real relationships. Again, exploring this new dynamic, its not about beings stupid, but more about being open to suggestions, vulherable, unsure and wanting support and validation that what you are feeling or what you think you know is on target. But hey, maybe I am a dumb shit. But we all have talents. Thank you for your straightforwardness...and love the smart-ass comments.
Poise: Yes, training does sound crazy as you've described it, but of course I would like and trust the person. I think the main issue that is difficult with this online piece is the progression of a relationship. Just about everyone I've spoken to begins talking about the D/s dynamic and the physical elements. Our profiles are set up like this. This is how people pick you out in the first place. If you meet in a face-to-face environment, then physical attraction becomes one main reason anyone approaches you. No matter what order it happens in, eventually you need to find out if the two of you make a good match in all the main areas. So thank you for validating that the rules are the same as in a vanilla relationship. Now if we can get everyone on the same page? Kristina



subKLee -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:54:17 PM)

SexyRed ...thanks for knocking some sense in my head by slamming it into a wall...but really...I get it. Validation...and support is what I seek. Thank you.

"Totally what Greedy said. At 45 years old, you should not have to ask what the process is to meet someone for a long term relationship." ( I know it should be, but when you are bombarded with the same types of requests, you begin to wonder) But hey, I may be 15 inside of a 46 year old woman's body.

Tasks and assignments are for your job; not to be requested by strange dudes online.
Someone telling me how many times to text them? Yeah right. (exactly...told him NO WAY)

I am not being mean, just astounded that people have to ask about this as if it is some magical process because it involves BDSM. (It might not seem magical to you, but finding the submissive inside me sure is magical to me...and I'm excited...so maybe I'm out of it for a bit...no worries...I will hit the earth any minute now.)

There is no process other than what you are comfortable with. (Yes...thank you)



GreedyTop -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:56:07 PM)

KLee.. sweetie, please use paragraphs :)

I hope you find what you seek with a minimum of bullshit.



chemeli -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:58:41 PM)

Maybe you could ask yourself what exactly you're second guessing about here. How would you define your ideal D/s relationship? What exactly are you looking for and do you know how to look for those qualities in a Dom? (I'm guessing guts instincts, as i do). Are you still seeking some answers about yourself that makes you insecure about putting trust in someone? Just putting those questions out there.



CRYPTICLXVI -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 7:59:42 PM)

subKLee... it can feel magical, freeing, a resonance when you first "discover" this. I think that is why everyone is saying, slow the fuck up. Absolutely nobody faults you for your uncertainty, well except for that guy over there but he was hoping to get a show on webcam to prove that you aren't fake...still, if it is a long term relationship you are looking for absolutely everything about what you want in a relationship is still valid. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling people to go to hell if they are stepping over your boundaries but definitely know what your boundaries are.

Oh, and send all your money to GreedyTop.



GreedyTop -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 8:04:07 PM)

Cryptic... I love you.. but DAMMIT!! LMAO!!



OsideGirl -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 8:16:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subKLee
I know it should be, but when you are bombarded with the same types of requests, you begin to wonder


Yup, a lot of guys believe porn and internet stories. The bottom line is most of the guys doing this to you haven't had a long term, committed D/s relationship. They've had a series of relationships that didn't last, usually because they don't know how to have one. Be picky, you deserve someone that will respect your boundaries.



GreedyTop -> RE: Process of Getting to Know One Another (8/6/2012 8:17:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: subKLee
I know it should be, but when you are bombarded with the same types of requests, you begin to wonder


Yup, a lot of guys believe porn and internet stories. The bottom line is most of the guys doing this to you haven't had a long term, committed D/s relationship. They've had a series of relationships that didn't last, usually because they don't know how to have one. Be picky, you deserve someone that will respect your boundaries.




This.



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