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Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 12:56:45 AM   
clamicinda


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/9/2012
Status: offline 		i'm in a long term relationship..
and in the beginning of our relationship we talked and experience D/s together.

i introduced him to the D/s lifestyle. He liked the idea and we explored together with him being dominant and me submissive.

lately started thinking more and me that he's not dominant at all, and just trying to be because of me.
He's very focussed on work right now, and that distracts him from being dominant in any way at all. All he does is tell me to do all the stuff and chores around the house and cook for him. He sees this as dominating me, but i don't like that it's all we do... i feel like a maid instead of a submissive... it's not fun at all.

i thought BDSM would be fun for our relationship, but it's not at all.

is this normal?

i know i should talk to him, but that's not easy. after i do that he says he's going to play more, but as soon as he gets busy with work again he forgets and neglects me again.

maybe he's just not really a Dom and was only trying to be for me. i am unhappy.

what should i do?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 1:14:22 AM   
lilmissdefiant


Posts: 666
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		I had this same issue with an ex boyfriend a couple of years back, I wanted him to take control and lead in the relationship, he would do so for a couple of days (3 at most) then it would revert back to the boring vanilla style.

I stuck with it, reminding him and sitting him down and discussing what I wanted and asking what he wanted but the same thing would happen, after a few days it was like the discussion never occured, it got to the point where me reminding him felt like me being the Dominant and that just didn't sit well with me
I did this on several occasions but eventually gave up, I tried to live the vanilla lifestyle with him but it wasn't working
I ended up leaving him because he wasn't fulfilling my needs.


Maybe him telling you to do things around the house like the chores, housework and cooking for him is what he thinks a Dominant should do?

If you want BDSM to be in your life with this particular man you SHOULD sit him down, tell him what you think he, as a Dominant, should do and what you think, as a Submissive should do for him.
There are alot of Gray Areas when starting out, especially for the newbies. which is fine, but the only way you two are going to move forward is the direct approach, ask questions and get clear and precise answers.

For alot of people 24/7 isn't possible because of everyday things, like work, children, shopping...etc.
Maybe ask him if you two can have a "kinky weekend"


There is also the possibility that he is just not kink-inclined, if he isn't you need to accept that, you can either move on and find someone who fulfills this "want" you have, or you can stay with him and keep trying to change him, but by the looks of it he isn't going to change, and he shouldn't have to.. If its not his thing, its not his thing.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.


Hope I helped in some way.


LMD

_____________________________

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He came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, he left & I was hurt!!... Fu*king mosquito!

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(in reply to clamicinda)
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RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 1:26:33 AM   
SeekerMA


Posts: 35
Joined: 8/4/2012
Status: offline 		That doesn't sound like a good way for the relationship to function. Chores and other completely non-sexual commands can certainly be part of the D/s lifestyle, but not to the exclusion of everything else. If you're unhappy then clearly something needs to change, and the only way that can happen is if you talk about it with your Dom. Set limits regarding the maid work, or if you dislike it altogether make it clear that you don't want it to be a part of your D/s interactions. Then talk about the things that you do want to include, and if and how the two of you can make time for them.

< Message edited by SeekerMA -- 8/9/2012 1:31:51 AM >

(in reply to clamicinda)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 3:28:30 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		A working D/s relationship is one where the submissive submits to the Dominant who dominates = full circle for mutual needs to be met.

Problem is simple - he's not interested in actively dominating, but enjoys receiving the fruits of your submission, anyway. I call it passive dominance. Dominants dominate; vanillas enjoy getting serviced. What you have is an 's' relationship - no D

If you want a D/s relationship, you'll need to find a Dominant because what you've got is someone who shared some momentary kink in the belief it was just some role play, which has a limited shelf life. As you're now discovering....

Welcome to the Forums, nonetheless. :)

Focus.

_____________________________

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(in reply to clamicinda)
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RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 5:14:50 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I agree with the previous 3 responses.

(*gasp* I agreed with Focus again!! ;) )

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 5:33:53 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You're talking female to him - general feelings. He's thinking male - specific actions. You're saying that things aren't what you like. You need to be more explicit - just WHAT is missing? Play sessions? Discipline? What?

1. Figure out what you need, in addition to what you have now, to be happy.
2. Ideally, quantify things. Two sessions a week, whatever.
3. Grab him when he has some time. Let him know what you want. Ask him how the two of you can work together to get there. Try to avoid the "you need to change and provide me this" approach.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 7:32:10 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clamicinda

lately started thinking more and me that he's not dominant at all, and just trying to be because of me.
He's very focussed on work right now, and that distracts him from being dominant in any way at all. All he does is tell me to do all the stuff and chores around the house and cook for him. He sees this as dominating me, but i don't like that it's all we do... i feel like a maid instead of a submissive... it's not fun at all.



You say you're long-term, so you must know him well enough to know he means something to you. If the fun just stopped because he's busy with work, then perhaps you might consider a little bit more understanding? He could just be busy with work, and what he needs you to do is help out more around the house while he puts his efforts elsewhere. I would consider that to be not only good submissive behavior, but expected behavior of any partner, D/s or otherwise.

Eh...only you know...perhaps he really isn't a dominant, or perhaps you and he are mismatched as dominant and submissive. But my first reaction if it were my own relationship would be to think "What does he need from me right now?" rather than "What has he done for me lately?"



(in reply to clamicinda)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 7:45:49 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
If the fun just stopped because he's busy with work, then perhaps you might consider a little bit more understanding? He could just be busy with work, and what he needs you to do is help out more around the house while he puts his efforts elsewhere. I would consider that to be not only good submissive behavior, but expected behavior of any partner, D/s or otherwise.


This ^^^^^ in spades.

Submission isn't about play scenes. It's about submitting. Submission is easy when it's things you like or want. Real submission happens when you get to the things you don't like or want.

I would suggest sitting down, having a conversation and finding out exactly what's going on with him. If he's stressed from work, don't add more stress by demanding more from him. Try to find something that will remove some of the burden from him.


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(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 9:30:15 AM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		What the above have said for sure.

#1 with a bullet... TALK. Communication is the most important skill anyone in any relationship can have. If you don't have that, everything else will be so much more difficult.

So ask him about the Dominance thing, work, his feelings on it. If he's literally just too busy with work right now to do much else, then this is temporary. Not everything in a relationship is sunshine and lollipops... sometimes you need to take a few lumps because there's a shitty situation.

If it's not just work... then you have a lot more conversation to have. And it's possible he really isn't a Dom, or not the right Dom for you. Then you both need to decide if you can make it work "good enough" or not. Things like the play weekends are potentially a good idea... it just depends on your mutual needs.

Everything else will fall in line with the above. The cleaning/chores and anything else should all be part of the discussion. Just don't be rude and combative. Just have a nice down to earth discussion with him.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 10:32:39 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		He's too stressed and busy to have energy to top. What are you doing to make it easier for him to re-energize? If you get the house in order and then sit on the floor and rub his feet or give him a massage, will he have energy for a short topping session later on? And you can initiate that also.

After you've helped him relax and maybe let him sleep for half an hour on the sofa, bring out the hairbrush or riding crop or whatever instrument you folks usually start with. Come out naked and present it to him. Then drape yourself over his knee and let him go to it. Whatever he manages to do, be grateful for. Beg to suck his cock or have him fuck you.

But if all you do is criticize him, don't expect him to want to dominate you. Because good people don't force those who don't consent. And every time you tell him he isn't a real dom, you're saying you won't submit to him.

Oh, and if he's working outside eight hours daily in 100+ heat, then of course he's too tired. Anyone would be.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/9/2012 10:50:50 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Bdsm for us isn't all about me getting my rocks off and playing and all the kinky stuff. Our life is me doing the chores, making him something to eat, cleaning the house, making sure everything gets done, etc....We play maybe 5% of the time. But I never feel like he's not dominant. He is because it's his personality, not some kind of roleplay in the bedroom.

Imo if all you want is the kinky part then leave it at the bedroom. The rest of your life won't matter if you don't wanna do everything he wants you to do including serving him a drink and making sure his uniforms are clean and pressed for the next day.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 4:05:26 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I agree with the previous 3 responses.

(*gasp* I agreed with Focus again!! ;) )


Kaaaaaay........., starting to get creepy now.....



Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 4:56:03 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clamicinda

i'm in a long term relationship..
and in the beginning of our relationship we talked and experience D/s together.

i introduced him to the D/s lifestyle. He liked the idea and we explored together with him being dominant and me submissive.

lately started thinking more and me that he's not dominant at all, and just trying to be because of me.
He's very focussed on work right now, and that distracts him from being dominant in any way at all. All he does is tell me to do all the stuff and chores around the house and cook for him. He sees this as dominating me, but i don't like that it's all we do... i feel like a maid instead of a submissive... it's not fun at all.

i thought BDSM would be fun for our relationship, but it's not at all.

is this normal?

i know i should talk to him, but that's not easy. after i do that he says he's going to play more, but as soon as he gets busy with work again he forgets and neglects me again.

maybe he's just not really a Dom and was only trying to be for me. i am unhappy.

what should i do?



It is not unimportant that you are unhappy but here's the thing: as s-types we can't always get what we want when we want it.
It so happens (I've heard), that that is true in vanilla relationships as well.

Life is full of ups and downs and varying levels of busy-ness.

So this is what you need to ask yourself: is his work situation changeable or is he pretty much guaranteed to stay busy?
Is your dominant partner truly a work-a-holic type or is he just caught in the middle of something now?
Has something major changed in his job responsibilities (such as a promotion or recent restructuring)?

In other words: is this likely to be a temporary or permanent condition?
If you know this is temporary then it makes keeping things in perspective easier.

Obeying him is being submissive, but you are missing play time.
Is play time something you can negotiate for (like a date night) or is he simply too tired and drained by the time he is away from work?

Dominating can take a lot of mental (and depending on types of activities) physical energies.
He may just not have it to give right now.
If that is the case then perhaps you can come up with some low energy expending activities for 'bonding' purposes.
Massage for 2 perhaps, or a hot tub rental.

If you need to bring kink more into the foreground, could you ask permission to masturbate in front of him while you describe a favorite D/s fantasy that is centered on him?

If however, deep in your heart you know that work will always be his first love, then you will have to decide if you can live with being his 'mistress'.


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(in reply to clamicinda)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 7:50:52 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: clamicinda

He's very focussed on work right now, and that distracts him from being dominant in any way at all. All he does is tell me to do all the stuff and chores around the house and cook for him. He sees this as dominating me, but i don't like that it's all we do... i feel like a maid instead of a submissive... it's not fun at all.

You had good advice from others but I want to add my two cents. First, about what angelikaJ said about D/s and scening requiring energy from the Dominant...YES. If I am under too much stress and needing to emotionally or phsically recharge my batteries, as a Dominant I will take care of myself by parking my arse on the couch or whatever it is I need to do. I'm not going to fake the hunger, yanno? I need to feel hungry/predatory to top my slave. There are several points I want to make about this. For the first one, I will use my vanilla sister and her ex-husband as an example.
My sister and her hubby used to come home from work, both having worked overtime. He parked his butt at the tv, put his feet up while my sister let the dogs outside and back in several times, did laundry while cooking dinner, afterwards did dishes, folded clothes, oversaw three kids' homework, vaccumed, mopped, and earlier that day somehow squeezing in picking up his dry cleaning on her lunch break. His common complaint...he wanted sex and sometimes marathon sex more often and wasn't getting it. Why not? She was simply too tired to have any energy left for sex. Your man's job might be putting him in the same boat as my sister, energy wise.

I have a lot less energy than my slave. My cancer and chemos in the past have made me a low energy person; if I go grocery shopping for 2-3 hours, that's it for the day my energy is shot. I know I'm an extreme example, but bear with me. Anyway, last night I arrived at my slave's house and I was tired from the journey. No zippity doo dah. (Receiving maid service helped to recharge my batteries.) I am blessed to have a slave who enjoys serving me.

Not all submissives are service oriented, maybe you're not...but it does something for my submissive to find many small ways to make my life easier. I don't have a problem telling him exactly what I want and when, for things you probably would think of as vanilla type grunt work. His service to me does something for me in a D/s sense so all that vanilla type work he does helps to recharge my BDSM batteries. I get a mild buzz from it. Unfortunately last night I had enough of a buzz that I became hungry for a marathon type scene, and though I made sure he was rehydrated afterward, I was too drained to tell him to get me a sweet drink and I just passed out instead. Today I have a headache, eyes feel sunken into my skull and I am drinking both sugar free Hawaiian Punch and sugar free hot tea (ate a steak too, and am waiting for my sweet potato to be finished in the oven) to rehydrate as fast as I can. I don't want to move a muscle but have to cut and sew a costume TONIGHT for our munch group's pirate themed play party tomorrow. It would have been wiser to wait a few days and then enjoy him so thoroughly, after all the other demands on my time and energy had passed.

Some types of service are more enjoyable to him, because he is watched and appreciated while he works and some of his needs are filled by kneeling at my feet, asking to leave a room to get me some hot tea or whatever, and with personal service like giving me a foot bath and pedicure and shaving my legs and genitals...but at other times he serves while I am sleeping. Mowing the yard, scooping out kitty litters, hauling junk to my basement...I assure you these things are quite boring and very much like "grunt work". It is okay to prefer to work while being watched and having at least an absent smile or pat on the head (or occasional nipple pinch or butt smack).

Find low energy ways to get your needs met until you can have your date night. Get some non-fiction, non-porn BDSM books to help you out and give you ideas. (Amazon.com will have The Loving Dominant by John Warren and SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, as well as related books listed.) My slave's hunger to be topped is mellowed somewhat by some rituals, and I have found that my tv time goes better for each of us if I have him lie down with his head in my lap. He sleeps better and I can enjoy touching him from time to time. When I have him do some wife/maid type work, like doing my laundry, sometimes I have him folding clothes in the same room with me. Sometimes I have him do things for me while sitting on the floor at my feet.

quote:

i thought BDSM would be fun for our relationship, but it's not at all.

is this normal?

Real life has it's dull moments. Not all of us are on our game 24/7...and my D/s needs are 24/7 but my need for kink is not as intense. I do not scene every day...and sometimes will only set aside playtime during a weekend.

Are you aware of "sub frenzy" and "sub drop"? When I have to leave my slave at his home for a week, instead of being with him at his house or taking him home with me for that week...he drops by the third day. Very upset, unreasonable, tunnel vision to the max, and often triggered by something that to me is very small. This time it was an air mattress I had had over at his house, in case my son or another guest had to stay overnight. It had a small leak that needed plugging and when he took it out of the box...time and storage over the winter hadn't been kind to it and one of the coils had a fist sized tear. For me, it was "oh well" because I had used it off and on for at least 18 years, but to him...he felt guilty, worried that I would blame him for it and wouldn't believe him when he told me he had not even filled it up with air yet when he saw the damage. (He is more important to me than the mattress, but in that moment he could not process this. Past ghosts and all that.) For several days before I go to his home or come to pick him up, he almost goes manic with sub frenzy. What we do cranks out some powerful brain drugs; are you aware that you are affected by them? Read. Learn. Find out when you are in drop and need some "hair of the dog that bit ya" and/or some chocolate to help you through it.

Sometimes D/s will be fun. Sometimes it feeds us emotionally somehow but cannot be described as fun (like when I beat bo's arse so fiercely that he is biting his tongue not to safeword, he is not enjoying it physically and it is NOT arousing to him). At other times...it requires a lot of communication and patience.

Psst...if my boy says, "I need some cross time"...I will take this into consideration and decide when I am hungry to put him up on the cross. If he makes the mistake of trying to do this to me... ... or this... ... then I ... Being pushed merely puts me into vanilla headspace and any chance of a scene goes "POOF!" Anyway, good luck to you and yours, and I hope the two of you find some way to work things out.

(in reply to clamicinda)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 8:09:06 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		I really enjoyed reading this, Cynthia. Not only for how informative it is in
explaining the Dominant energy, but you did so with such warmth.


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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 8:49:31 PM   
BambiBoi


Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		I used to be a Dominant. Collared girl and everything. After a while I realized I was only topping her to fill that need in her life. That was not fulfilling me. The collapse started the way Clamicinda describes. I would play less and less, and play would become more vanilla. I'd try to do it for her, but the truth was I was using the same energy supply that I used for work.

Imagine a father takes his family on vacation. But he's a travel agent by trade. His vacation is driving, arranging flights, arranging tickets, arranging hotels, arranging different kinds of tickets, finding restaurants where he doesn't know the area, arranging reservations... When he gets back from a lavish two-week trip he has had a total 10 hours down time.

I felt the same way. At work I would make decisions, delegate projects, navigate workflow, approve TPS reports, spank naughty salespeople, flog the warehouse crew, and make sure the customer had a good orgasm. Then I'd get home and I felt like our sexy BDSM time was more of me running the circus. So I tried the exact same thing: Ordering her to cook and clean because that needed to be done. Then for sex... I had nothing left. I just wanted to cuddle.

I don't want to be Bearing-of-Bad-News-Bambi, but something's got to give. My advice: Show some initiative. Talking to him is not initiative, it's giving him more problems to fix. You'd be amazed what a little spark can do to a powderkeg. Next time you want fun, grab the cat-o-nine-tails and sit your ass on the floor in front of him while he's watching TV. Tell him "during commercials, please swat my tits." Then proceed to masturbate and make sexy noises. If he shows interest, tell him you want him to jerk off onto your face. Say "I want to cum from feeling your hot spunk splash over my cheeks" or something filthy like that.

Are you a girl? I didn't check. It doesn't matter. Maybe say "chest" if you're a male sub.

What does this do?

1) It removes the need for him to work at topping you.
2) If the kinks align, it will spark an interest. Once you have his fire and ire the rest will follow.
3) It will allow him to explore his submissive side without knowing it. If you're right, he's a service top. That's not a bad thing if you want to make it work, but you have to make it work.
4) It gives you some responsibility over your own sexuality.
5) It is an interaction that only provides him with solutions, not additional problems.

Just try it. Tell me how it works out.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to clamicinda)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/10/2012 9:46:18 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I agree with the previous 3 responses.

(*gasp* I agreed with Focus again!! ;) )


Kaaaaaay........., starting to get creepy now.....



Focus.



I know, right? *cues Twilight ZOne theme*

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dom ignores me - 8/12/2012 10:59:40 AM   
MercTech


Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		I'm hearing someone who is not being very dominant that has a background of being very vanilla. It is hard to make the transition from suppressing dominant urges to letting them go.

Questions:
Has become dominating you become a "chore" he has to do to keep you satisfied?
Is his playtime with you a relief from the stress of work or another stressor?

Now, having the "talk" with your dominant can be a good thing or a communication destroyer. You can toss out a list of "my needs that aren't getting met" and turn things into a stressful study in performance anxiety the next time you have time for play. Or, you can listen and coax into finding out what you can do to relieve the stress of everyday life so he has the mental breathing space to WANT to play.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 18
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