Being needy... (Full Version)

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ohsobroken -> Being needy... (8/10/2012 11:00:29 AM)

A friend and i had a conversation about being needy, and how just by being a submissive we are naturally needy. I got upset by this because i dont want to be needy or clingly, it makes me(notice i put me) feel weak..true i do miss Sir very much when he's gone, for example now i do feel a little lost, but that doesnt make me needy...right? To all of the Masters/Dominants what is your take on this? Do you Masters/Dominants like for your subs to be needy?



poise -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 11:12:21 AM)

Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.


Or are you? [:-]



MercTech -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 11:38:13 AM)

Being "needy" or "clingy" is a serious problem when it starts interfering with getting work done.

143 text messages while I am at work is an invitation to become part of history.



Kana -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 11:48:58 AM)

And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)



JeffBC -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 12:05:36 PM)

Carol is traveling right now and I'm pretty put out by it. But like you, that's not "needy" it's more like "needing the woman I love".

To me, "needy" is a pejorative. It means "too much need" and so is automatically a bad thing.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 12:12:56 PM)

I'm going to make one of those off the hip judgement calls and say anyone willing to call themselves "ohsobroken" has serious self esteem issues.

Address those, and perhaps you won't feel so needy. I agree with Jeff, needy means feeling too many needs, as let's face it, everyone has need.

It will always serve you well to have as many needs as can be addressed internally, that is, by your own self, as externally, that is, someone else has to do it, this is what Kana was saying, in his own obtuse yet Calvinistic way.



littlewonder -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 12:16:26 PM)

There are times I am needy. During those times he can usually tell and we talk about it. I am not needy because I'm submissive. I'm needy because I love him.



NuevaVida -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 12:34:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)

Totally agree with the bolded part.

But if someone as needy as I used to be could figure it out, anyone can, when in a place of having to.



Kaliko -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 12:42:53 PM)

I wouldn't say I'm needy and I think those I have been in relationships with would attest to that. I have needs, of course, but I'm no more needy than the next woman. Besides, I would feel like a nuisance if I was, which is kind of the opposite of what I try to be.

I don't think feeling a little bit lost without the man in your life is being needy. It can be a pleasant sort of pain to acutely remind you of how important he is to you. Now, if you can't function enough to make a cup of coffee or pay your bills unless he's there to guide you through it, then yes, I would say you are needy. But feeling a bit lost without him? To paraphrase Jeff, you are not being needy. You are just needing your man.






Winterapple -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 1:05:55 PM)

FR
I agree with what Kana said as I often do.
Unhealthy neediness comes from the inside
and another person can't fill that hole up.

All human beings have needs. I don't
think it's unhealthy to long for your
man when you're not with him. To miss
his presence, to want to hear his voice.
But if you're completely dysfunctional
without him and there's never enough
reassurances for you then you need to
take stock and work on yourself.



ohsobroken -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 1:48:01 PM)

Woah! Thats not fair at all. My username was chosen way before i met Sir, and fyi..i no longer feel that way.



ohsobroken -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 1:55:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

And of course, the true irony is that needy people, they never need what they think they do.
Why?
Because they are looking for externals to fill an internal void, and that just don't work.
Oh maybe it will for a lil while, months, maybe even years, but over the long run? Nada.
Their need is within. So is their solution.
But try convincing them of that :-)


I agree 100 percent :)



ohsobroken -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 1:58:33 PM)

Thank You!!! Thats what i thought lol i can function and everything else..but damn..i didnt think just missing his voice or his laugh made me needy lol



JeffBC -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:07:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ohsobroken
Woah! Thats not fair at all. My username was chosen way before i met Sir, and fyi..i no longer feel that way.

Good, 'cause if you did I was going to refer you to the "culture of victimhood" thread going on *laughs*.

Your friend who thinks submissives are naturally needy is absolutely in my camp of "ticking time bomb waiting to go off". She's also in my camp of "toxic influences I want Carol to avoid at all costs." I am dead serious that if I was having that conversation with some woman in real life and she said that I'd be backing away quietly and quickly. I'd be working hard not to speak with her again -- not about BDSM, not about lunch, not about the weather.

Bluntly, I see her as at least a potential predator.

There's my real and unmoderated opinion of your friend's statement.



sexyred1 -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:32:12 PM)

I also think that being needy is subjective in some respects.

It boils down to communication skills. If someone knows the other person likes to be in touch a few times during the day and the other party only needs once a day, be flexible, don't just ignore that need.

Sometimes a person says someone else is needy because they don't feel the same way about that person, so it is an easy catch all phrase. I have a friend whose husband will stay out all night with not a single call and when she tells him she worries about him, he just says, ah, you women are needy.

In reality, he is a selfish asshole.



JeffBC -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:37:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I also think that being needy is subjective in some respects.

Well sure. But we're not talking about one person alleging that another is "needy" here. We're talking about someone embracing that term for themself. Now.. there is still subjectivity in communication to be considered... but still...

I see the OP's friend similarly to how I'd see some dom saying something like, "Well, all us doms are selfish and lack self-discipline." Uh yeah... back away slowly.



sexyred1 -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:39:08 PM)

Yes, generalizations are never helpful!



RemoteUser -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:44:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.


Or are you? [:-]


I laughed out loud when I read this. When we're not chatting, I do tend to text my girl about once an hour, but not with any expectation of reply. What I send are little positive messages to make her day better, and maybe to help her smile, like, "I'm thinking happy thoughts of you.", or "*strokes your cheek*". If she ever asked me to stop or slow down I would, of course. Sending little thoughts her way makes the day a little better, and it goes by nicer, like a long lazy drive down an open stretch of highway.

Then again, I'm always thinking of her, and writing does seem to be a habit of mine.

And yes, I do miss her at times, and I do need her. [;)] She is a wonderful partner and I adore her. She inspires me and makes me a better person. It isn't that I can't breathe without her, though; rather, that when I'm with her, there is nothing else.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 2:50:37 PM)

I am a sucking black hole of need, and incredibly high maintenance.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.



Focus50 -> RE: Being needy... (8/10/2012 4:00:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

Everyone has needs, regardless of dynamic, so phooey on your friends opinion.
I think the only time that being needy becomes ugly is when those needs are irrational and unreasonable.
For example, you miss your Master right now, which is normal, but you aren't on your last breath without
him, and you aren't texting him/calling him every hour to make sure he is still thinking of you. That would be needy.

Or are you? [:-]


What poise said.

Being needy carries more baggage in a vanilla relationship because you're sposta be on equal terms with your partner. But when submissive defers to Dominant's will and choices, it's reasonable, even logical, that the sub becomes dependent on the Dom for guidance. And that can manifest negatively if the Dom isn't there.

I think it's just a case of a negative vanilla term that's irrelevant in the D/s lifestyle - like "humiliation". I think the average sub is a bit clingy and needy and I like that; I want that. What manner of submissive mindset would desire to be owned without a healthy level of dependence on the owner's or Dominant's presence and decisions. Hell, even co-dependent works in D/s....

As others have said, as long as she's not melting down when I'm away or ringing me every hour or two, "needy" is fine. It's the vanilla context that you need to get past.

Focus.



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