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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 11:08:30 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		You know... this is a problem we all face. Carol is travelling right now. She's been gone... as of today... 2 weeks. We've been together for 18 years and we are VERY close. I DO get to speak to her on the phone but I miss her horribly. My sleep cycle has gone all to hell in a handbasket. I've dropped weight... non-trivial amounts... I am doing the best I can to get along until the needful thing she is doing is finished and I can bring her home.

I also have to strike some balance between missing her and calling her every 3 seconds. Sometimes I get too "needy" and she'll ask if I could call at different intervals or times. Sometimes she'll get to "needy" and I'll do the same. Together, we work it out... as a team.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 11:30:25 AM   
fleurdesoul


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/2/2011
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your posts, particularly jeffbc which to me was just precious. I can only hope my dom would feel the same about me if this relationship /fairy dust /encounter, whatever you want to call it goes to that level. Time will only tell whether its going to lead to something wonderful or not. In the mean time i will just plainly ask him what works for him and I will follow his lead. Thanks again. Closing out after a couple of posts ...

On phone sorry for errors


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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 12:37:38 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I am never interested in someone who does not pursue me, and I would always be nonchalant at first anyway, even when I show interest.

No matter what, men still like the thrill of the hunt.


Indeed.

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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 12:39:25 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

I am never interested in someone who does not pursue me, and I would always be nonchalant at first anyway, even when I show interest.

No matter what, men still like the thrill of the hunt.


Indeed.



Still doing it wrong. Honestly, if I waited for a man to pursue me, I would still be waiting.

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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 12:43:28 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Do you share my predilection for alpha entrepreneurial types? They pursue!

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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 4:11:29 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fleurdesoul
Thank you all for your posts, particularly jeffbc which to me was just precious.
Wow. Seldom do I get that. Thanks.

One other point I should note though. Carol and I don't really think like most BDSM couples. I'm perennially unsure if we even DO D/s in the way it's meant here. We don't have assigned roles. We are not constrained by a lot of shoulds and should nots. We just try to get through life together as a team... one of us being more the "natural leader type" and the other "preferring to defer". So we wouldn't be the type to get balled up in things like, "The slave shouldn't tell the master to call less frequently."

The other point is that I always speak of real life and real life situations and that always changes things from the oft-times pure internet BDSM that can be talked about here. I dislike theoretical examples because they are generally "too pure to be real". In this case, Carol is out there doing needful things -- at my request. If I call too much I'm thwarting my own desire to get those very important things done. Her notifying me of that is a service to me not some ridiculous "topping from the bottom" notion. In the reverse case, her letting me know that she is lonely and needs more attention would never be perceived as clingy. I'd take that as very important information and try to sort out how to service that need vs. whatever was keeping me too busy to talk. And if I told Carol, "I just cannot make the time right now mine, you're going to have to deal." then she would because she's a strong woman and because she too wants whatever needful things I'm working on to get done.

In my opinion, most questions like this evaporate like mist as the sun rises when you think of them in the context of two people who both respect and trust each other a great deal and who are very, very good at operating as a team. Then again *laughs* if you've got those qualities going in your relationship very few things are tough to sort out.


< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/16/2012 4:18:12 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 7:57:28 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I really hate the word needy. In this case, the op has shot herself in the foot by being so afraid to be labeled this, that she's being thought as not interested in exploring anything with this guy. She's well on the way to making the thing she doesn't want to happen come true.

And why? Because an asshat labeled her as needy instead of saying, "Hey, I only want a fwb relationship, so don't call me unless you want to fuck".

If you want to talk to him twice a day and he only wants to talk to you once weekly, it doesn't make you needy and it doesn't make him a cold fish. It makes you incompatible.

Ask this guy how much contact he wants and tell him how much you need to stay in a relationship. And yes, ask him why he didn't call you as well. Because if he wanted to talk to you, he could have picked up the phone. This isn't high school, waiting for the other person to dial first. Or it shouldn't be.



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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 8:03:49 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I had that problem in past relationships. I was deemed needy because I wanted to be with him as much as possible and actually make time for each other. The men in my past thought I was taking up too much of their lives. They had no desire to make time for me. Instead I just got to spend time with them when they had nothing else better to do. I was the second or third or fourth option to them.

Thankfully though, Master likes to spend as much time with me as possible and he actually makes time for me. We talk every single day, we spend time together at least 3 or 4 or more times a week. We both miss each other when he have other things come up and we can't get out of it to be able to spend time together or at least talk on the phone.

So imo, just be yourself. The right man will want to spend as much time with you as you want to spend with him. If someone finds you too clingy and needy then he's probably not the man for you.


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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/16/2012 8:21:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Never make someone a priority who makes you an option. I need to be a priority, if they need to be an option, then they aren't my type.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/17/2012 7:03:47 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

You know... this is a problem we all face. Carol is travelling right now. She's been gone... as of today... 2 weeks. We've been together for 18 years and we are VERY close. I DO get to speak to her on the phone but I miss her horribly. My sleep cycle has gone all to hell in a handbasket. I've dropped weight... non-trivial amounts... I am doing the best I can to get along until the needful thing she is doing is finished and I can bring her home.

I also have to strike some balance between missing her and calling her every 3 seconds. Sometimes I get too "needy" and she'll ask if I could call at different intervals or times. Sometimes she'll get to "needy" and I'll do the same. Together, we work it out... as a team.




Errrrrrrrrrrr, Jeff. The One Twue Dom Union called, they want their card back, said something like "There's no crying in Male Dominance"


(and on a more serious personal note, fucking ass, what a great post. It's awesome watching men, alphas at that, put aside pretenses and be vulnerable and open. Shows maturity of mind and body. I love it. Kudos)

< Message edited by Kana -- 8/17/2012 7:04:16 AM >

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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/17/2012 7:35:24 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I agree; that was a very honest and refreshing post, Jeff, thanks.

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RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/17/2012 9:34:41 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
Errrrrrrrrrrr, Jeff. The One Twue Dom Union called, they want their card back, said something like "There's no crying in Male Dominance"

ROFL... didn't Ish just ask if I even had any true points left? I gotta admit I spend them like water. More seriously, thank you for the compliment although I'm not sure I demonstrated any particular honesty or strength there. I've already won the prize so I'm not competing for anything anymore and I'll mail them back their true dom card if they send me a self-addressed stamped envelope. They can pry the "truly loves Carol" card out of my cold dead hands.

edited to add:
Your welcome Red. I know it can be unfashionable to love/need/desire your partner but I'm pretty unrepentant about it. *laughs* I believe I might have said this in one or two previous posts, but I kinda like Carol an awful lot :)

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/17/2012 9:38:44 AM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/17/2012 1:55:05 PM   
MyWay1954


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/3/2011
Status: offline 		Well, relationships are defined by the individuals in them so he may want needy and clingy but it doesn't sound so.

Needy I have no issue with, everyone had needs and relationships are about fulfilling at least some of those.

Clingy however always struck me as insecurity and that's a no no in my book. Gotta work on yourself more.
We all do it to some extent but it's not fair to make him pay for the misdeeds of others any more than necessary and in extremes can cause the death of relationships.

Unless , of course, he's given you some real reasons to feel insecure.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/18/2012 5:46:32 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Define clingy. Now my ex hated to spend any time with me at parties. He was out talking to everyone else. If I came up, then he viewed that as clingy. The Man prefers I stay by his side. So am I still clingy or am I with someone who likes this trait in me?

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/18/2012 5:55:11 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I define 'clingy' as a person who can't do anything on their own, or be happy if I'm on my own. I am needy as all hell, but I also require solitude, even if that's just going out for groceries!

I can also be in the same space as a person without having to fill every second with conversation. Does that make me aloof, or just that I understand personal space?

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[page 23 girl]



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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: needy vs. nonchalant - 8/23/2012 8:50:20 PM   
chemeli


Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am never interested in someone who does not pursue me, and I would always be nonchalant at first anyway, even when I show interest.


I was an only child for most of my childhood. I spent up until age 8 with my grandparents being my daycare. My grandparents really treated me as somewhat adult. I learned how to read and write early. I was encouraged to make things and write stories and entertain myself. I'm perfectly at ease eating by myself or being alone in general.

Even Master struggled with it a little bit when I would take what I called a "mental health" day.



Thank you for putting a name on it, i need to have those as well, but the thought of naming them never came to mind ^^

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Profile   Post #: 36
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