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bdsm on the side? - 6/10/2006 11:15:26 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		Is there anyone here married or seriously involved who seeks play partners outside of their monogomous relationship, either with or without permission?  I'd like to hear other people's experiences.  So far I'm feeling very confused about how to go about getting what I want and having it feel ok.  Further, I seem to continually alienate myself from people who could be interested both on this site and elsewhere.  Not sure what I'm doing wrong or even what to do.  Any thoughts would be appreciated. 
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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 12:08:41 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		These threads might help:

two worlds of trust  (active thread)

Collars when married to others

Married partners



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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 12:14:50 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnyknots

Is there anyone here married or seriously involved who seeks play partners outside of their monogomous relationship, either with or without permission?  I'd like to hear other people's experiences.  So far I'm feeling very confused about how to go about getting what I want and having it feel ok.  Further, I seem to continually alienate myself from people who could be interested both on this site and elsewhere.  Not sure what I'm doing wrong or even what to do.  Any thoughts would be appreciated. 


Several of Libby's and my play partners are married.  We make a point of meeting with the spouses previous to beginning any play relationship.  In fact, one of my former play partners is married to a person who is a regular poster here.  This approach has worked out well, and in some cases, the spouses have discovered kinky interests of their own after seeing how happy their partners have become.

On the other hand, I know of many people who have played with married folk without the permission of the spouse and, except in the shortest of the relationship, there have been negative consequences.  These have ranged from emotional breakups of the playing couple to divorce of the married partners. 

In almost every case where deception was involved, I've been told "he/she won't find out".  In a substantial number of the cases, he/she did.  In none of the cases of which I'm aware, was the discovery met with equanimity on the part of the discoverer.


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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 12:31:08 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: johnnyknots

Is there anyone here married or seriously involved who seeks play partners outside of their monogomous relationship, either with or without permission?  I'd like to hear other people's experiences.  So far I'm feeling very confused about how to go about getting what I want and having it feel ok.  Further, I seem to continually alienate myself from people who could be interested both on this site and elsewhere.  Not sure what I'm doing wrong or even what to do.  Any thoughts would be appreciated. 


I don't have sex outside my marriage, ever. I play with a lot of different people all with the knowledge and consent of my Master/husband. He also plays with others with my full knowledge. We have a great time with each other and with play partners and it's never been an issue because it's all open and above board and has been from day one. We have topped together, separately, sometimes he will top me and another person. It's all fun and we laugh in the midst of the good time.

Hopefully, you've got a relationship in which you can also share a lot of laughs. You won't know until you try!

Good luck,

Celeste

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 6:53:24 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Johny,

You won't find much sympathy here for cheating, sorry.  That said, it takes two to make a shitty marriage.  I am not saying you are a jerk, but there ARE two sides to any coin.  Take a look in the mirror and look for what your part is, big or small and work to fix that first.  Then try and work things out.

If you don't have the strength and fortitude to do that, you don't have what it takes to be a healthy participant in S&M.

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 6:56:39 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Crappy is right.  There won't be much sympathy....why not involve your wife?  Or, at least, tell her what you need.  You might be surprised.

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 7:21:37 AM   
Sab


Posts: 325
Joined: 5/2/2006
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I'm not rehashing what I have already said elsewhere - don't cheat! 

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 7:39:17 AM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking from experience here...It is far healthier and better for all parties involved to be open and honest with eachother.
 
I was miserable in a 9 year vanilla marriage and was afraid to share my submissive thoughts with my then husband.
 
Now, I am in a very supportive, open relationship in which my partner is vanilla yet bdsm friendly. He has gone as far as meeting my previous Dom.
 
You have no idea how good it feels to have all parties know about eachother. As a submissive, I find it so much easier to relax and be myself when I know that I am not hiding anything from anyone.
 
Everyone handles their life differently. I want to wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do.
 
sub tara

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 9:11:44 AM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		I want to thank everyone for their replies.  I must say it always fascinates me how posts like mine here seem to be a Rorschach test for what's inside people's heads. I asked for people's experiences and some of you give it (thankfully) while others like CrappyDom begin with statements like:

"You won't find much sympathy here for cheating, sorry.  That said, it takes two to make a shitty marriage."

I'm not cheating.  In fact, I HAVE gotten permission from my wife.  And my marriage is mostly wonderful - so much so that I'm having a huge dilemna deciding as to whether or not I should go through with it b/c I don't want to end up hurting anyone.  Also, I AM looking at myself in the mirror...it's often a healthy process to discuss these things with others, as I'm doing here as part of the path to self-realization.

Having said all that, I'm perfectly open to your experience's and opinions, Crappy - just not accusations and judgements.  That will almost always close a thought or idea rather than open it to a potential solution. 

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 10:05:47 AM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		To recap, you are looking for a role play / bdsm / no sex relationship outside your marriage.  Your wife is aware of and okay with this, you feel your marriage is strong and have no desire to leave it.Your concerns are twofold. Although you have permission you fear the reality of the situation will cause hurt feelings or issues with your wife, or potentially cause you to feel guilt or shame or regret.  Further, if you do decide to pursue this you are concerned about how to approach people as your attempts thus far have not worked out well.  Right?

I think you need to accept this arrangement undoubtedly will cause some hurt feelings.  Your wife may have given permission and consent, but it is a difficult position to be placed in.  The most supportive and encouraging partner will have times where she feels jealous, insecure, "not enough", angry, or hurt.  Your concern should be minimizing those times, ongoing communication, and working through issues in a way that builds a stronger marriage.  It is hard.  You have to decide if this is something you "need" to be happy and fulfilled long term, or if it is just a that-would-be-fun fantasy.  Then you have to think about how this may impact your marriage, positively or negatively, and make a choice.

There will be times when you struggle as well, so you need to have a clear idea of what you want and why, your priorities, and what you are willing to do and not so. Also, don't forget any potential bdsm partner.  No matter how clear expectations are, relationships have a way of evolving and emotions become involved at various levels. You have to be prepared to manage that and choose a partner who is stable and secure and can deal with the situation as well.

If you choose to move forward, don't expect to email a few people and find the ideal situation.  It will take time. Perhaps you could try the pro route initially, as sort of a test run. I could not answer how you might be alienating people without more detail.

There are LOTS of people in the exact scenario you described.  Some have found outside playmates or secondary partners, maintain a solid and open marriage, and life is peachy.  Others not so much.

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 12:30:06 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline
quote:

I have discussed BDSM with my wife and together we have agreed that I should seek a partner outside of my marriage along the grounds of X with a little Y thrown in


Sounds a lot more healthy than:

quote:

Is there anyone here married or seriously involved who seeks play partners outside of their monogomous relationship, either with or without permission?  I'd like to hear other people's experiences.


Sorry if I couldn't tell you were doing this above board.  Again, rather than answer your question, I am going to question you.  If you DO care about your existing relationship, then you need to work out what is going to happen with her not us.  Have you read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton which discusses poly?  You need to work out the boundaries of what you can and cannot do as well as all the other related issues first.  Looking for your next partner without taking care of your existing one isn't a recipe for success.

The rest is easy, find a willing partner and spank away.

(in reply to Sensualips)
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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 5:05:42 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		johnnyknots,

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh......

In the now immortalized words of Howie Mandell:   NO DEAL!

I remember your previous posts, to wit: you were searching for a Domme who would session you but who would not expect anything in return: (nothing in return meaning: not only no sexual contact, but no strings attached, no communication, no regular sessions, no schedule, no friendship, no possible quality time other than a session, no SERVICE, in other words, absolutely no commitment or action of any kind on your part while expecting your Domme to be available for sessions for YOU at the drop of a hat!). 

***laffing*** Yeah, right, good luck with that! ***laffing***

You were complaining that the Dommes you were in contact with who would accept those terms were pro Dommes expecting tribute; furthermore you drew an analogy that Domming for dollars essentially equalled prostitution, which was a really bad plan, bucko...because now you've managed to alienate even the Pro Dommes!

***smacks Forehead*** Reality Check, johnnyknots!

Finding a partner in BDSM is a difficult thing.  Finding a partner in BDSM with your exact limits is even more difficult.  Finding a partner in BDSM with your exact limits for a long term relationship is even more difficult.  Add to that: Finding a married partner or a partner who will accept the time and resource limitations of a married submissive and you're suddenly looking at an endeavor that takes time, effort and will require putting 'something' into the relationship, whether that something is time, emotional support, friendship, service in some fashion, SOMETHING, which is exactly what you are not willing to do.

While I'm on the subject:  Expecting to re-establish a relationship with a Domme with whom you were recently intimately involved, believing you could manage to do that on a platonic level while doing so on YOUR terms, on YOUR schedule, according to YOUR limits, was laffably unrealistic and it simply SCREAMED your complete and total inability to even begin to comprehend the very submissive nature you claim to posess.

Either reconcile yourself to making the commitment to put forth some time and effort to establish some kind of relationship that meets both your needs, (namely, yours and the prospective Dommes'), or go find a Pro Domme and quit your bitching. 

There's no such thing as a free lunch, johnnyknots. 

Change your name to johnny-do-me and move on down the road.

TexasMaam

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 6/11/2006 5:30:10 PM >

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 5:32:42 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Late spring and many are thinking of cheating...is it bdsm rutting season, or what?  So many threads going on about this stuff.

_____________________________

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- Albert Einstein

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 5:59:02 PM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		johnny-do-me aka johnnyknots keeps posting this topic to call attention to himself and his search.

Why the mods tolerate his duplicate threads on multiple boards is beyond Me.

TM

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RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 8:35:39 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline 		I'm not doing it.  I decided to discuss it with my wife again and she recanted her "permission".   Sort of what I thought to begin with.  We've decided to try to work it out between us.  Thanks to those that were constructive in their advice.

Texas, stop stalking me.  I was kidding around before with you, but you're really starting to creep me out.  Perhaps the mods might consder that as well.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: bdsm on the side? - 6/11/2006 8:44:41 PM   
johnnyknots


Posts: 20
Joined: 10/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TexasMaam

johnnyknots,

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh......

In the now immortalized words of Howie Mandell:   NO DEAL!

I remember your previous posts, to wit: you were searching for a Domme who would session you but who would not expect anything in return: (nothing in return meaning: not only no sexual contact, but no strings attached, no communication, no regular sessions, no schedule, no friendship, no possible quality time other than a session, no SERVICE, in other words, absolutely no commitment or action of any kind on your part while expecting your Domme to be available for sessions for YOU at the drop of a hat!). 

***laffing*** Yeah, right, good luck with that! ***laffing***

You were complaining that the Dommes you were in contact with who would accept those terms were pro Dommes expecting tribute; furthermore you drew an analogy that Domming for dollars essentially equalled prostitution, which was a really bad plan, bucko...because now you've managed to alienate even the Pro Dommes!

***smacks Forehead*** Reality Check, johnnyknots!

Finding a partner in BDSM is a difficult thing.  Finding a partner in BDSM with your exact limits is even more difficult.  Finding a partner in BDSM with your exact limits for a long term relationship is even more difficult.  Add to that: Finding a married partner or a partner who will accept the time and resource limitations of a married submissive and you're suddenly looking at an endeavor that takes time, effort and will require putting 'something' into the relationship, whether that something is time, emotional support, friendship, service in some fashion, SOMETHING, which is exactly what you are not willing to do.

While I'm on the subject:  Expecting to re-establish a relationship with a Domme with whom you were recently intimately involved, believing you could manage to do that on a platonic level while doing so on YOUR terms, on YOUR schedule, according to YOUR limits, was laffably unrealistic and it simply SCREAMED your complete and total inability to even begin to comprehend the very submissive nature you claim to posess.

Either reconcile yourself to making the commitment to put forth some time and effort to establish some kind of relationship that meets both your needs, (namely, yours and the prospective Dommes'), or go find a Pro Domme and quit your bitching. 

There's no such thing as a free lunch, johnnyknots. 

Change your name to johnny-do-me and move on down the road.

TexasMaam


Quoting Howie Mandell.   Wow.  Mind reading ability AND culture.  You're a real catch!  For the record, I never called pro-domming prostitution.  You're aiming to slander me in order to get support for your misdirected rage.  Pretty weak.  You're in Texas and I'm in New York, can't you find someone over there to direct all your self-hatred at?

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