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RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:21:16 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

Oh no, not new, just frustrated. I once tried to get my local now defunct club to do nametags, just to show how silly putting labels on us was. Needless to say, people were ok with being naked and whipped, but not a HELLO, I'm a sado kinky top spanker, heh

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples

OK, ya kinda missed my point.

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples

Why?
it is possible that I missed YOUR point. I am tired but not sleepy, so please understand that my usual filters may not be properly adjusted.

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Post #: 41

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:24:00 PM

Darkfeather

Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

The thing that really irks me about this lifestyle is its dependence on definitions and labels. We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom. In reality, it only matters what you yourself define a word, and those you choose to share that definition with. Personally, if you feel there is a problem, most likely there is. It is that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. Whether you choose to listen, that is up to you

Are you high? Because I want some of whatever you have.

We're just folks. Some of us want to know what the others are talking about. Tolerance is an engineering term.

Nah, not high. I have met some really nice, and really strange people in kink. I remember having an interesting conversation with a completely naked male, and he would continuously rib me because I was trying my best to keep eye contact, heh. Only in kink can a straight dom have a normal conversation with a gay naked male who just got the crap beat out of him, and joke about his genitals. Best part, that conversation was about him trying to figure out what his label was

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 42

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:28:52 PM

Darkfeather

Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darkfeather

Oh no, not new, just frustrated. I once tried to get my local now defunct club to do nametags, just to show how silly putting labels on us was. Needless to say, people were ok with being naked and whipped, but not a HELLO, I'm a sado kinky top spanker, heh

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples

OK, ya kinda missed my point.

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples

Why?
it is possible that I missed YOUR point. I am tired but not sleepy, so please understand that my usual filters may not be properly adjusted.

not to derail the thread, my point is, when you try to shoehorn people into definitions it can cause problems. Instead of just inventing more and more terms to define what someone is, we should just say who cares.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 43

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:32:07 PM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
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quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom.

You are kidding, right? What makes you think that kink makes one more forgiving or tolerant?

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Post #: 44

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:35:23 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I do think men tend to say what they mean WHEN they say it is not a relationship. It is the one thing that seems to be consistantly true from their lips.
But I wanted to comment more on the statement below..

I talked to a gentleman for 2 yrs, who apparently was also spending those same hours talking to 3 or 4 other women on the messenger. Some guys have this thing down to a science. I wasn't into him as relationship potential at all, but at least 2 of those other women were.. and holy smokes the fireworks that went off when they happened upon each other in an AOL chat room could be felt 2 states away where I lived. Funny as heck.
well.. for me, but I am sadistic.
They probably were not so prone to see the irony.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilmissdefiant
but his level of commitment and dedication (4 plus hour conversations every night for the past 3 months, and i do mean every night)

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Post #: 45

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:38:31 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

quote:

We as kinksters are supposed to be the most forgiving and tolerant of peoples, and yet you can literally get into fist fights over the definition of switch or bottom.

You are kidding, right? What makes you think that kink makes one more forgiving or tolerant?

Thanks, searching.. that was the point I was trying to get across... but obviously failed.

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Post #: 46

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 1:49:17 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

How does he define "relationship"; how do you?
How do your definitions match and differ?

The posters who asked regarding his Ownership of you in a non-relationship context, well I was going to ask about that too.
How does he define Ownership?

For him does "relationship" = "exclusive" ?

What aren't you getting from this 'arrangement' that his defined version of a relationship would give you?

What needs and wants are being missed?
(That isn't likely to change.)

Btw: having been here awhile I get that you are offering "Shades of Grey" just for a comparative literary example and you likely aren't living in the book. I remember your posting style. Some people are a bit newer and don't have the benefit of memory and context.

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Post #: 47

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 3:29:17 PM

kitkat105

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Sounds like you've got a little bit a subfrenzy.

I know it's hard and your heart probably doesn't want it, but I would pull back and tell him the truth - you want a romantic BDSM relationship. If he wants that too, he'll stay, if not, he'll go and you can find someone who wants the same as you.

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Post #: 48

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/21/2012 10:32:28 PM

lilmissdefiant

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Joined: 4/17/2008
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thanking you all :)
I agree with the subfrenzy bit, it just took a while to see it for what it was.
I talked to him about this issue and we "sorta" worked it out. but he does have a way with getting my insecurities to go away, he's awesome like that

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Post #: 49

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 5:09:45 AM

ClassAct2006

Posts: 318
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Very true but the ones who have planned lives - usually those of us with our own businesses, careers, children, families and commitments rarely gel well with the free spirit non-planners. It is a bit like the issue of someone who spends every penny marrying someone who is a miser - never good pairings.

As a family we have things in our diaries booked through to late 2013. Skiing this Christmas was booked in February 2012 etc etc.

Also as a sub I like total reliability and no changes, someone utterly reliable who says what he will do and it happens then, no shocks, changes surprises, just total reliability. I don't mean in terms of the physical things he might do but in terms of is it 6pm or 6.20pm when we will speak as that 20 minutes I will not be painting my nails gazing into space but probably working or fixed someone to deal with a child and if someone is 20 minutes late they have in effect stolen that time from me.....

This obviously shows why lots of men who want a free spirit girl with nothing much on, the air head who never quite does what she will say, the ditzy little thing with her head in the clouds, needs to avoid subs like I am like the plague.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

You haven't had sex yet so no rush. Just see how it goes.
1. He may be married (and that is his relationship).
2. He may have a certain kind of girl he wants to fallin love with marry, take home to mother, have babies with and you just don't happen to be someone who ticks enough of the right boxes for that.
3. He may simply not be in love but likes the idea of some sex - which is fine - he has been really clear with you so not misled you.

I like relationships. I like men I can talk to and listen to and do things with and ultimately integrate into their life rather than being some dirty secret for sex on Fridays. You say he hates makingp lans - for me that is a massive warning sign as anyone with a sensbile organised good life can make plans. Someone who won't make plans is just waiting to see if a better girl calls him that night or his friends from the pub want him and only if none of that materialises will be settle with the girl he's not in a relationship with. Men with diaries who are reliable and stick to what they say and plan are the ones to go for.

Hey, I don't like making plans. It's got nothing to do with "looking for something better". It's about will I actually feel like DOING something at a future point (sometimes I just am NOT UP for being social), or I have no way to determine how my day will go at that point, or if I will be feeling well, or if something re: family might pop up (my Mom is in her mid-70s). There are reasons for not being a future-planner, and they don't alway indicate WORST CASE stuff.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 50

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 6:04:04 AM

Killerangel

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I'd just add to be careful as you go along with him that you are in fact ok with things as they are with him. Both of you have the right to be happy and fulfilled. If you find that his reluctance isn't where you want to go then it's ok to let him know the ride isn't for you anymore. Your needs are just as important as his.

I had something like this once, I was very mindful of how long it was fun for me and then when it got to the point that he and I were on different paths I said goodbye with no recriminations. He was entitled to what he wanted as was I. I'd just say to be very honest with yourself as to what you'd like to get out of this relationship and when it gets to the point that you're hoping he'll change that is when you need to re-evaluate. His need to remain relationship-free shouldn't dictate to you, or take precedence where you are settling for less than what is right for you.

(in reply to lilmissdefiant)

Post #: 51

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 7:52:20 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Well, Damnit, you have to be clear on what YOU consider to be a 'relationship'.

Then you have to figure out what HE means by 'relationship'.

Then you can start working on the meeting place between the two points.

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Post #: 52

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 11:05:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't go around second guessing people. If they say they want to be in a relationship with me, then I expect them to act that way. If they say they don't want to be in a relationship with me, I accept them at their word.

Sometimes op, your feelings just are not reciprocated. You want more of a relationship with him that he does. You can go around deluding yourself that the NRE is actually a relationship, but it still isn't.

Suggestion, when he breaks off with you, just take the high road. In the long run it's much more satisfying.

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Post #: 53

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 3:03:43 PM

txsassykat

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Joined: 8/19/2012
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First off....I'm going to be girly and say I loved the 50 Shades Series. Yea, its tame compared to other books, but I still like it. hehe.

Secondly, I totally feel your pain. When I first met my bf, we casually dated. He was (and is) the best sex of my entire life. We became best friends, but he didn't want a relationship. I was gutted. We did everything together, so it felt like a relationship to me. But I had to be careful cause being on a different path than him hurt me for awhile. All my friends said he was playing me etc. But I loved him...and I patiently waited. Turns out I didn't have to wait long. We're very exclusive now and have been for two years. I'd say it's a matter of making sure there aren't two many red flags and knowing in your heart if you are truly getting played or if you should just be patient and enjoy what you currently have. Our situation was different since we were vanilla at the time (not anymore....bring on the kink...hehe) and you are talking about your Owner. *hugs*

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 54

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 3:16:18 PM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

Op

He is frighten of you, but do not stay in this relationship!

The boyfriend who beat the hell of me did not do it to his next girlfriend I fucking asked "why"

His answer was "huh duh I dona know why" I hate one type of males to this day!

No he was not a man!

Oh please be careful love and this is what you have for him, run hide do anything but stay!

Best wishes and all

mons

(in reply to Darkfeather)

Post #: 55

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 3:19:12 PM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

You can go around deluding yourself that the NRE is actually a relationship, but it still isn't.

Christian/Edward said he didn't do relationships but ran around the country stalking her. Anyone remember at what point he conceded that it was, in fact, a relationship?

Attachment (1)

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Post #: 56

RE: Having a" 50 Shades of Grey" moment. - 8/22/2012 3:28:31 PM

TNDommeK

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Ha, KK I love that meme.

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Post #: 57

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