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What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 6:35:39 AM

fig555

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/26/2012
Status: offline

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

< Message edited by fig555 -- 8/26/2012 6:53:00 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 7:11:03 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Personally I'd be pretty pissed off, and it would probably be a relationship ending thing, since we are monogamous and this would be cheating.

If in the future we decided to change the parameters of the relationship, I would need a lot of talking and reassurance. I think I would be a bit jealous - not that someone might take my place, because I have no doubts on that front - but because he works long hours and I would feel hard done to if I was getting less time with him because of this. The onus would be on him to make sure I wasn't being neglected, and then I would try to support him.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 2

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 7:17:14 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

I don't care if my SO has fuck buddies.

- I wouldn't be in a relationship in which he invested a significant amount of time into a third, unless we were doing things as a trio.

- I also wouldn't be in a relationship in which he invested a significant amount of time looking for fuck buddies.

I'm not bothered by fucking, but time and emotional investment.

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(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 3

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 7:40:45 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Just the fact that she's looking doesn't tell the whole story.

If she's looking and has not discussed it, doing it on the sly - instant issue, likely dealbreaker.
If she's looking, has discussed it, and come to some kind of agreement - maybe some discomfort, likely a lot of talks needed to keep comfort.
If she's looking, the male is bi and actively working with her in the search - no issues.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 4

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 8:22:22 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

My late Sir wanted another woman - and theoretically i was fine with this. When it actually happened, i needed reassurance that i wasn't being replace, and that she was just for fun.
I agree with an above poster - it was the emotional component that had me worried, not the sexual aspect. And when he found a slave/sub to play with, he did it with me there to begin with so i could see that he wasn't hiding anything - and the other woman knew exactly where his priorities lay. Once my green sense calmed down and i realised that he was playing, nothing more, i was fine with him playing with others.

Speaking for myself, i can see where bringing another into the household and the relationship would be very difficult, because i had very little in common with the women he bought in. It was rather like having a room mate that you didn't really talk to. You could safely say that our triangle was open on one side, because i wasn't there for the other, and she wasn't there for me.

I think i would have reacted badly to him falling in love with another woman, and wanting her in the house, since it was the emotional intimacy that made what we did so special. Yep - jealousy would have raised its ugly head, as would hurt feelings. Because i wanted him to be happy, i would have tried it though.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 8:24:57 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

When my x-dom wanted to play with another woman, verbally, I said, go ahead, but I was insanely jealous and angry that his gonna do that.

He said this is bdsm, it's normal for doms to do that.

Anyway..., guess the vanilla side of me couldn't take it.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 6

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 10:26:21 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

I'm monogamous so the moment we committed to each other and he collared me was the moment he forfeited owning or playing with other slaves/subs.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 7

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 11:48:26 AM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline

I've been in D/s relationships where monogamy was expected, and where it wasn't. When monogamy was the mode, the searching never happened. If it did, it would function just like a vanilla relationship. "Honey, what are you doing?" "Oh, just looking for a new sex partner." "Um... I guess we're over then? Who keeps the potted palm tree?"

The sentiments about jealousy and feeling replaced are spot on. Do not let the coming anecdote detract from the above honesty.

Maybe its because I'm a male. Maybe its because I'm not in love. Maybe its because I am not the jealous type. But I just want to be involved in the decision making process. I want to meet my new "brother" or "sister." I want to check our chemistry. I'm probably going to have to sleep with that person at some point. But it can be fun to shop with your owner. It creates a sort of "us and them" sensation where we, as a family, are making a new big decision together. This is the sort of call that, in my mind, a submissive should speak on. There's a time and a place for "Bambi, meet your new slave sibling. On your knees and make them feel welcome." That time and place was Cocoa Beach, October '09. But for a new addition to the family, ESPECIALLY if you're adding your first third, communication needs to be crystal clear.

I wrote this whole thing (until that last sentence) just assuming that Fig & Company were experienced with having others in the bedroom. If you're opening the doors to a poly relationship for a first time you need to be extra careful and extra clear. Schedule more time for aftercare with the specific intention of talking about how the new dynamic feels. Encourage them to voice sentiments of jealousy. Nothing poisons a relationship like stifled jealousy.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 8

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 12:09:44 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Our relationship is based around monogamy.

Master does sometimes play with other subs, but only if I'm present. And there's no 'sexual' contact.

Anything more, and I'll be gone.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 9

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 1:04:46 PM

OddBall

Posts: 49
Joined: 3/21/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

They may be enjoying the excitement of someone/something new. Enjoying that his Mistress is enjoying herself. Even a humiliation aspect that he's not enough to satisfy her desires? Some people can handle swing/poly type experiences/lifestyle some cannot.

Can't say I'd like anything that truly felt like humiliation. So that angle wouldn't work for me. Yielding one's sole position for another's pleasure may be doable for some if it was only temporary. Basically swing type. If a poly relationship happens, all involved would need to be secure with it or it won't be poly for long. I've seen Mistress profiles that state upfront they want a poly household so any seeking her know upfront that's what they are in for.

Insecurity is understandable. Something a caring Dominant would have to expect may happen and reassure their sub/slave that they are not valued any less.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 10

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 1:06:57 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

Jealousy and insecurity works the same way in all relationships. It's how the particular sub you're talking about thinks, not everyone else. It's also a matter of how your dynamic works.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 11

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 1:07:00 PM

pinocchiothepupp

Posts: 1
Joined: 1/23/2011
Status: offline

i have never cared for a partner to play with something besides me in any kind of relationship generally. if it pleases Him then it's a good chance that will make Him happy with me hopefully

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 12

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 6:40:24 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

I fail to detect a question...

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

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(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 13

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 6:41:47 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

Well, for those who understand my personal proclivities....that sounds about as win/win as it gets!

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 14

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/26/2012 7:28:04 PM

subbingincalif

Posts: 24
Joined: 8/13/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

...when your Mistress is meeting or looking for other subs/slaves?
(some of you say that you 'enjoy' it when your Mistress or Master spends their time with other slaves/subs. What is the exact feeling and where does it come from?) From a domme's point of view it is very hard to understand - if I was a slave I would feel jealous and insecure because somebody else might take my place. What do you feel?

I am in a casual, non-monogamous relationship with a domme. I know she associates with other subs, but I don't want to know who they are or what she does with them. And, of course, I am free to connect with others.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 15

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/27/2012 1:35:06 AM

fig555

Posts: 6
Joined: 8/26/2012
Status: offline

It was good to read different opinions. The thing is I would never want more than one slave/sub - if he is willing to submit, I would train him well, so that there would be no need to look for anybody else. BUT he wants me to be poly - he encourages his mistress to go out and look for other slaves and tell him all the details. That part is hard to understand. Anyone can identify with this?

(in reply to subbingincalif)

Post #: 16

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/27/2012 2:39:15 AM

LockMePretty

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/30/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

It was good to read different opinions. The thing is I would never want more than one slave/sub - if he is willing to submit, I would train him well, so that there would be no need to look for anybody else. BUT he wants me to be poly - he encourages his mistress to go out and look for other slaves and tell him all the details. That part is hard to understand. Anyone can identify with this?

It sounds a bit like the same dynamics going on in a "cuckold" relationship. You could google it.

Personally it's not for me, I'm a very jealous and sometimes insecure person. I want to be the one. (:

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 17

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/27/2012 6:00:41 AM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

It was good to read different opinions. The thing is I would never want more than one slave/sub - if he is willing to submit, I would train him well, so that there would be no need to look for anybody else. BUT he wants me to be poly - he encourages his mistress to go out and look for other slaves and tell him all the details. That part is hard to understand. Anyone can identify with this?

If you never want it, tough luck for the boy scout. You have the reins, hold them.

My girl has on occasion asked me for things, and because I was amenable to them I said yes. If I wasn't ok with it I would say so, clearly, and she knows it. So, what do you want? How hard is your "never"?

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 18

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/27/2012 6:27:34 AM

Feliw

Posts: 32
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: Panama
Status: offline

hello there everybody, ok here comes my POV, as a sub or slave of a Mistress, you must consider yourselves as a piece of property for her, as one you are no one to feel jealous of her plans or adventures, but to be there to make her feel better and have fun with you, not to control her doings.

but offcourse here comes the human side of the thing, as a men i am (last time checked) i would totally feel jealous if my Mistress is having fun with other subs i will start to have doubts of my development as a slave and how she looks at me.

but offcourse is part of the being a sub life, you have that feeling, but you know you have to endure it, thats what i believes

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 19

RE: What do you feel as a sub when..? - 8/27/2012 8:32:29 AM

WomanlyWiles

Posts: 166
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fig555

It was good to read different opinions. The thing is I would never want more than one slave/sub - if he is willing to submit, I would train him well, so that there would be no need to look for anybody else. BUT he wants me to be poly - he encourages his mistress to go out and look for other slaves and tell him all the details. That part is hard to understand. Anyone can identify with this?

You need to set the parameters here. Are you monogamous or poly? Either way, you be yourself. I will have other casual lovers, because that's how I roll, and that was discussed at the outset with Psycho. I'm not a hotwife, and I don't do it because he enjoys it or because I'm trying to titillate him.

For me, it depends very much on where the power is in the dynamic. He likes the idea of being cuckolded, fine. But you should either do it or not because you want to and you get something out of it. I find the cuckolding scene in general very male-led and pretty demeaning to women e.g. calling them slutwives or hotwives.

(in reply to fig555)

Post #: 20

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