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Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 12:52:19 PM

emmacarrie86

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline

Hi

I have a master who is new to the scene, I have always had these thoughts and fantasies and had a dom/master relationship when I was 19 but supressed it for years after that and finally just got back into the scene again. I also have a guy who I cam with regularly too (master is allowing him to help me for 1 month) who is a master but is not my master.

I know you'd think that was enough for me but it consumes my mind and I do not find our sessions to be enough but cant expect anymore of them both. I was wondering if anyone had any ideas of what I could do in the comfort of my own home on my own time while the other two are busy to fulfill my needs? Also what items could i buy from every day shops to help. I am into most things the only things on my hard limits are golden showers etc.

I already have tough blue rope, nipple clips, clothes pegs, cat-o-nine tails. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 1:49:03 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I wish I could help but I really have no ideas. For me the exciting part has always been the power exchange so doing anything on my own doesn't do it for me.

If life gets in the way and we don't have much alone time for a while, I try to channel my urges into serving in other ways but if you're not together then that won't help you. I also might write him dirty stories to share what I'm thinking about.

Could you perhaps speak to your Master and ask if there's any way he can give you a task to do in between your sessions to keep you focused? Preferably something with a bit of meaning - for example, learning to cook his favourite meal, practicing using nipple clamps to boost your pain tolerance, researching a particular type of toy online etc...

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 2

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 1:49:31 PM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline

There's a lot going on here, especially because there's so little going on here. If you would indulge me, please answer the following questions which will help me, and presumptively others, better address your concerns.

1) How did your master come to earn that position?
2) Is your master online only?
3) Are you willing to leave the "comfort of your own home" to meet the local community. (Meet for non-play reasons)
4) How long have you been in the D/s world? (Have you been in the lifestyle since 19, just not online?)
5) How often do your masters make time for you?

Here is my "judge a book by its cover" guess.

You are eager to have a master. So eager, so willing, that you dive in too deep too fast. Instead of building a relationship with a person that involves power exchange, you hunt a relationship that will let you shrug off your independence. Like taking off a coat, you want the life of a master-slave relationship just through your willingness to submit. But the trust and love that makes devotion fulfilling is hard to fake, so you're feeling unfulfilled. Even now you're doing the work your masters should be. You are topping yourself by writing this post and seeking out ways to submit to something, or someone. None of this is bad, but you would be wise to be careful now.

You have all the right desires to make a wonderful pet. But those desires can get you hurt. Before you answer the above, I'd like to say that I can see you're a bright young girl. You have a good head on your shoulders, but you smell green. Do not let go of common relationship sense just because you want to transfer your power so eagerly. It's wise counsel, take it.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 3

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 2:38:23 PM

emmacarrie86

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline

Ok well the story in full is...

at age of 18 was in a sexless relationship, he started a virgin ended a virgin and slept with someone 2 days after we split which made me feel a bit unattractive, i took a year to get over him and met my ex harry we played about a bit with handcuffs, rope, whips, nipple clips and role play etc and i LOVED it but it was an abusive relationship in other ways so when it ended after my 2 relationships not exactly working very well i lost my sex drive and any time i thought about sex vanilla or BDSM i felt dirty so i ignored those feelings from the age of 20-now (im 26).

My master is only a master because he wanted to help me explore my innermost feelings. I met C over a year ago in spain on a holiday (he currently lives there but is moving here hopefully by christmas) and we have been in a long distance relationship for over a year. I had been ignoring my feelings and just having vanilla sex to keep him happy then the other week it got too much and i told him i wanted more than he could offer me and put myself out there. He told me it wasnt something he had really looked into or thought about so we could be friends for now and he would let me explore my submissive side with others who could give me what I needed. I joined this site and had cam sessions with a few doms on skype and told about it and he hated the thought of others seeing me so he started looking into it.

C then started getting really turned on by it all and started really enjoying telling me what to do over the cam and enjoyed the intensity that it brought between us so that is how he came about being my master. I love him and he loves me and we both trust each other as much as we can trust another person. So we have the trust, the love, the want to please and look after each other (not just me please him) and we are exploring our limits.

The other guy is just someone off here who i been talking to a few days who has been a dom for about 10 years now that I find extremely attractive. There is no trust or caring etc in there just a want to both explore each others fantasies over cam. We will never meet.

Yes I would meet the community as long as it was definately for information and networking reasons only as I would not feel right meeting others for anything else. I would love to tho I yearn for the feeling of pain from another person and submitting myself and my life decisions (even my appearance) to them entirely but no one else is Craig so will just need to wait for him to get a job over here and move or come visit me for a few days.

C wants to talk to me most nights if not every night on cam and so does j (the other dom) it just so happens that occasionally there is a day or two where they are both away from home at the same time every now and then and sometimes on those nights i'm really really in need of some domination & pain and obviously I cant dominate myself so the only part I can give myself is the pain.

I hope I have answered all your questions?

E

(in reply to BambiBoi)

Post #: 4

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 3:34:12 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

What a mess...

A couple of random thought upon reading your story:

- I have never known anybody to successfully long-term go from vanilla to kinky after a partner prompted it. If C wasn't interested on his own, his interested will probably always remain superficial compared to what you need, as well as probably being short-lived.

- What you're experiencing on cam is a very unrealistic representation of what BDSM is actually like offline. What you're doing is having mutually gratifying play sessions that don't actually involve mastery or submission/yielding to mastery. Now, there is NOTHING wrong with doing what you're doing, but it's not the same as actually being controlled by another's will offline. I have the impression that you're looking for more than casual, emotionally detached play, in which case you should be very careful about allowing your metric of D/s and M/s to be set by casual online play, because the conflict/contrast that will provide with offline relationships might make it hard for you to make the transition. In other words, don't get stuck in the fantasy world online can create.

- Genuinely dominating somebody who submits to you takes a lot of responsibility and forethought from a D-type or M-type. It's not as simple as just bossing somebody around and telling them what to do. If C is only interested because of you bringing up the idea and it turning him on that he can make you do whatever he wants, while you're approaching this from a place of genuine desire to submit, it could result in a situation where he (unintentionally) reaps all the benefits of having you obey, without carrying any of the responsibilities. That could result in your getting hurt... badly. Power transfer equations never work out favorable for both parties if/when they're one sided.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 5

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 4:25:54 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

oy vey

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 6

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 4:39:52 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Why don't you just put an ad up on craigslist and just get it over with.

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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 7

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 4:58:33 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm not a bit shocked that the cam sessions are not fulfilling. Causing yourself pain does not feel the same as someone else causing you pain. Ya know. The person to swing the flogger, pinch, bite, etc. Neither one of these people are really giving you what you want or you wouldn't feel the lack of Domination just because they both happen to be busy one evening.

If you want to play on cam with these two yahoos, be My guest. They are getting free cam shows, so I'm sure they are happy.

Maybe, just maybe, life isn't lived on the computer. Maybe it is more fun to have the person in the same room with you so you can have a connection. Touch is something I would never want to give up, or even worse, not bother to explore.

Have fun. When you are ready to step out into the world, we'll be here to help you with advice on munches.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JanahX)

Post #: 8

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 7:18:27 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

Speaking as someone in a LD relationship - what you're doing is fun, and you connect, but without even the occasional face-to-face, it's not the same. I'm wired to be able to love someone, or something, I've never personally touched or held because for me, love is mental. However, I also need the physical connection at some point. I last saw my girl in July; I'll be either having her up here for two weeks in September, or going to her for a week (it would be longer if it weren't for work, and life in general). We have future plans to be together beyond that, as well.

If C can't hook up with you, but he's open to you with others, then your local scene is something to explore.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 9

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 9:22:42 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

-fast reply-

Let me check I understood. You brought this up with your long distance boyfriend a few weeks ago. He has started to get turned on by the idea. He gave you permission to play online with others, but then decided he didn't like it. The second person you have only been chatting to for a few days and have no trust/connection to, although he claims to be very experienced. In this short time you've gone from never bringing up your submissive fantasies to feeling you can't go one evening without a session. Did I get that right?

First off: Slow the heck down. Really. I know you've been waiting ages to scratch this itch and so now you can't get enough. I understand, really I do. But your post suggests that you will cam with just about anyone in an attempt to do it. There's nothing wrong with camming, if that's your thing, but it's very different from real life submission.

It's great that your boyfriend is excited by exploring with you. Maybe he'll become the dom you want him to be. But remember, this is all new to him, and there's a learning curve and some self-examination that comes with this. He might decide that once the novelty of custom cam shows wears off this isn't him. He might not. When he comes to the country (have you made concrete plans?) it might also change everything. Real life changes everything. Your chemistry will be different when you're doing this together in the flesh. Life will continue before and after your sessions; online you can play, then turn the cameras off and go your separate ways, leaving your imagination to wander and build up a fantasy life. In real life you will play, and then still be together, and you have to deal with the whole person not just the sexy side of them. You also have to decide whether you just want to do this in the bedroom, or 24/7 or somewhere in between. In real life it's not just the fun bits, so it's very different.

I'd ditch the other guy to be honest - if your boyfriend is uncomfortable with it, that could come between you both. Also (maybe I'm just super cautious) but I wouldn't be camming with someone I had no trust with, because who knows where those videos will end up. It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to give this a good shot, and for me personally, submission is so much more valuable with the emotional connection behind it.

It sounds like you're feeling unfulfilled because although it sounds like you're getting lots of virtual play, you're not getting the physical touch or the feeling of really being dominated. Am I right in thinking some nights you're camming with two different guys? In real life play might not happen every day, but hopefully the play you're getting will be more satisfying and meaningful to see you through. I suspect at the moment you're trying to fill that void with yet more cam time, and it's not working.

PS. Be wary of doms you meet online when they claim to have lots of experience. Some do, for sure, but others just want to get off. Which is fine, because so do you, but be careful not to build these people up into a fantasy your boyfriend has no hope of competing with.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 10

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/26/2012 11:44:23 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

OP, if you care about your master as anything more than a fetish delivery system, ditch the other cam guy and spend more time focusing on your Master. Help him learn to satisfy you. If he can't spend all this time talking to you, you can spend more time communicating with him. Write him dirty emails, tell him with as much depth and detail as possible about what you need done to you and what you hope he could one day do for you. Research learning resources for him. Find ways to be supportive and giving.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 11

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 7:11:56 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
What a mess...

How succinct. Is this chronic sub-frenzy? I can't quite put my finger on why I say this but I can't help but feel there's a train wreck coming up pretty shortly here.

quote:

I have never known anybody to successfully long-term go from vanilla to kinky after a partner prompted it. If C wasn't interested on his own, his interested will probably always remain superficial compared to what you need, as well as probably being short-lived.

I know of two such couples.... one if you don't count Carol & I as kinky. Honestly, while it's certainly true that it's a bad idea to try to change your partner, some couples just naturally work as a team and when one changes the other changes with. I agree it's unlikely to happen in this case though.

OP, I gotta agree with others... too far... too fast.... too virtual.... to disconnected with reality to be anything other than an impending train wreck. I would highly recommend getting a tail on that kite of yours and the absolute best way to reacquaint yourself with reality is to ... well... explore in reality. Get thee to a munch.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 12

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 7:44:55 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I know of two such couples.... one if you don't count Carol & I as kinky. Honestly, while it's certainly true that it's a bad idea to try to change your partner, some couples just naturally work as a team and when one changes the other changes with. I agree it's unlikely to happen in this case though.

In the other couple, was it the D-type or the s-type that went from vanilla to kinky?

And do you currently consider Carol to be kinky? Not you-and-Carol, but Carol-without-Jeff.

If she's not currently kinky, then I don't count you guys, because she didn't change, she's just pleasing you in another way, but for very vanilla reasons.
And either way, she's an s-type... it's a completely different game when you're talking about a vanilla being converted into a D-type, because the D-type is responsible for doing most of the work as far as keeping the momentum in the relationship kink wise. If the D-type doesn't want to do kinky stuff, it ain't happening, while an s-types desire to do or not do kink stuff is far less relevant, as long as there is that desire to please.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 13

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 8:00:14 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

In the other couple, was it the D-type or the s-type that went from vanilla to kinky?
The female S proposed it to the male D.

And do you currently consider Carol to be kinky? Not you-and-Carol, but Carol-without-Jeff.
Carol has always been way kinkier than Jeff. She'd be one freaky woman had she married someone more kinky than myself.

If she's not currently kinky, then I don't count you guys, because she didn't change, she's just pleasing you in another way, but for very vanilla reasons.
I have no real way to sort out what Carol or I might be by ourselves. As I've said before, we are just too intimate for such things to be anything other than wild speculation. But Carol is definitely "just a submissive type personality who's pleasing me for very vanilla reasons." She prefers to defer and she loves me. All else follows from that.

If the D-type doesn't want to do kinky stuff, it ain't happening, while an s-types desire to do or not do kink stuff is far less relevant, as long as there is that desire to please.
In the BDSM model perhaps. But in the vanilla world which is what we're talking about here relationships tend to be reciprocal in nature. I have a strong desire to please Carol. My "natural leader" status in the marriage doesn't change that. I didn't suddenly stop loving her or caring about her when I put the collar on her neck. The same is true of the other couple I am thinking of. For them, like us, the S-type wanting to do something automatically provides strong incentive for the D-type to, at least, want to acquire the taste.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 14

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 8:11:03 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
But in the vanilla world which is what we're talking about here relationships tend to be reciprocal in nature. I have a strong desire to please Carol. My "natural leader" status in the marriage doesn't change that.

That all made sense. Now that I know Carol is the kinkier of the two of your though, it's even more important to continue your education into full freakdom. (haha pun-y)

As far as the vanilla tendency to care for and please each other.

1) that requires an emotional bond that's very likely not yet developed between them due to the distance
2) it requires that he's a natural leader
3) it requires that he's a person who actually desires to please those he cares for
4) it requires her actually standing by her man, and having his back in support, while he learns to adapt to giving her what she needs... instead of being impatient and getting restless if a day goes by without a kinky cam session

Based on all those requirements, I'd give them about a -25% chance of working this out... though I have no doubt that she'll eventually calm down enough to find something else with another guy that will be at the very least be semi-satifactory to her.

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/27/2012 8:12:33 AM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 15

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 10:21:12 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

PS. Be wary of doms you meet online when they claim to have lots of experience.

Yep, like the guy who told me he had $15,000 worth of leather and steel which turned out to be a belt and a bread knife.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 16

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 10:28:55 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I have a master who is new to the scene

I find this to be an oxymoron. I reserve the use of the word Master for someone who has mastered something.

quote:

C then started getting really turned on by it all and started really enjoying telling me what to do over the cam and enjoyed the intensity that it brought between us so that is how he came about being my master.

So he's really just a cam masterbater? :P

quote:

I love him and he loves me and we both trust each other as much as we can trust another person. So we have the trust, the love, the want to please and look after each other (not just me please him) and we are exploring our limits.

To strengthen this relationship, I suggest you slow down, ditch the other guy, and until C moves here, channel your sexual energy into cardio, yoga, work, volunteering, school, etc. Indulge in the occasional cam session with C.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 17

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 1:00:38 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

OP, if you care about your master as anything more than a fetish delivery system, ditch the other cam guy and spend more time focusing on your Master. Help him learn to satisfy you. If he can't spend all this time talking to you, you can spend more time communicating with him. Write him dirty emails, tell him with as much depth and detail as possible about what you need done to you and what you hope he could one day do for you. Research learning resources for him. Find ways to be supportive and giving.

Call me Crazy but isn't she supposed to be pleasing him? The OP calling him master implies that.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 18

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 4:24:48 PM

emmacarrie86

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline

I stayed with C for a whole month in the summer and he is actively seeking a job in scotland at the moment so we can either live together r be close by, he is the one i want to spend my life with and have his kids etc (eventually) in the mean time I just need to get myself through this period where we are apart. it sucks!! :(

I have ended the cam thing with the other guy as C ended up getting really jealous today so at least thats one problem sorted...

Does anyone know if there is ever any munches in glasgow? I would like to meet others and talk about their experiences etc.

UllrsIshtar we do have that bond we may have only been in our relationship a year and we may live a long way away from each other but we have spent every night n the phone when not together and we have also spent a lot of time together over the last year too.; It has cost us a fortune but will hopefully all change for the better when C moves over here :)

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 19

RE: Playing at home myself... - 8/27/2012 10:43:13 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86
at bond we may have only been in our relationship a year and we may live a long way away from each other but we have spent every night n the phone when not together and we have also spent a lot of time together over the last year too.; It has cost us a fortune but will hopefully all change for the better when C moves over here :)

Darling, I'm not saying you guys aren't bonded yet. I did the long distance thing for over a year myself, I know how close you can emotionally get to a person when all you do when you're together is talk. If both parties are being honest, you can learn a lot about another person very fast when you're online.

So I should have probably phrased what I said differently: 1) that requires a type of emotional bond that's very likely not yet developed between them due to the distance

I'm sure you guys have bonded, however, what I'm also sure you don't have is a bond that self-sacrificing.
In order for your relationship to work, and be on the level that Jeff was talking about, you need to both be self-sacrificing and be in the habit of putting the other one ahead of yourself.
And doing so, and developing such a relationship is very much a matter of emotion, as much as it is a matter of consistency and habit. It's that consistency and habit you guys doing have due to being online, because you're not there for 75% of each other's lives. So no matter how emotionally close you may be with C at the moment, I don't for a second believe that he is habitually self-sacrificing for you on an instinctual, protective level, nor are you self-sacrificing for him on an instinctual nurturing level.
You're two individuals, who may be very close, but you're very much apart still as well...

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to emmacarrie86)

Post #: 20

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