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RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice - 8/31/2012 2:25:00 PM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline

Hell, what's the point of having a sexy, pervvy romp if it's all hands off and isolation in between?

You're a very lovely looking and articulate woman. You're offering up hotness that men will swim through flames to get at.

Why, why, why are you putting up with this shit? You deserve so much better.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 61

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/1/2012 2:54:44 AM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

And the beat of me and my Dom go on... My Dom contacted me the next day and informed me he fell asleep. I did see him yesterday and we had an amazing reunion. He informed me he will most likely be moving back to where his family lives, where he has spent a great deal of time over the last two weeks. I kind of seen this coming. I asked him to contact me when he knows for sure he will be moving and he agreed. So I'm chalking this up to a spring/summer BDSM 'fling'.

I don't know where I will go in this exploration of BDSM after my dom moves, but if these past few months is all I ever experience I'm ok with that. Yes I di have interest in exploring more but at this point I'm just going to keep things as they are. Thanks again for all the good advice.

(in reply to Fullfilher)

Post #: 62

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/1/2012 3:57:40 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Thank you for the update. You are feeling hurt and manipulated right now, and that's understandable.

Not all "doms" or males into BDSM are manipulative bastards. There are plenty of good ones out there, and even some great ones. And yes, even at our age.

So please don't give up. You did a hugely bold thing in taking it from your fantasy, where most people keep it, to reality. This is a very big step. I think you'll find it's hard keeping that genie in the bottle, so to speak !!

Yes, we can be bluntly honest folks on this forum, I tend to be, but we can also be hugely knowledgeable. Collectively this board has such a wealth of information about BDSM and d/s relationships (not to mention off topic subjects) it's a great goto place.

So don't be a stranger. You took a very difficult personal situation onto a public forum and handled yourself remarkable well. And as anyone who follows this forum knows, I don't hand out undeserved compliments, it's just not my style.

You handled yourself extremely well, and you are capable of learning from mistakes. Per your face pic you are a gorgeous woman. You will go far.

Do you have a great deal to learn about BDSM and the relationships involved? Sure, but we were all new once.

Did you make a few mistakes along the way? Of course, the only one who can say he never failed is the one who can say he never tried.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and in a couple weeks you may feel very differently.

I note you are in NY, unless you are in the sticks, there should be plenty of munches around. Munches are a vanilla type meet and greet of like minded people.

Also, you explain in your profile how new you are. Stop that. It draws a certain kind of predator. There is a thread about that running, please read it.

I vote we keep her !!

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/1/2012 3:59:28 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 63

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/2/2012 11:11:00 AM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

Thanks for the brutal honesty, I needed it. I found a link to local BDSM munches. I am coming to realize what I need is a loving Dom for a LTR. It will take me some time before I can search for that. I did change my profile but I think it still needs more of something.. I did take down the newbie stuff. Thanks Chatterparfait. I welcome suggestions on my profile.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 64

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/2/2012 11:27:16 AM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

Your profile seems fine. I'd just say in the future to have a good idea of what you are looking for and stick to it. If something wouldn't fly for you in a regular relationship, then it's not acceptable in a BDSM one either. No matter what anyone says, there aren't any rules to follow. Also keep your eyes open for signs that he is married as this last one most certainly was...unless being married is ok with you. As you know, men will say a lot of things when they think they might get laid, watch for signs that he is actually doing the things he says he is going to and how it matches up with what you need.

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 65

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/2/2012 2:14:43 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lkb0503

Thanks for the brutal honesty, I needed it. I found a link to local BDSM munches. I am coming to realize what I need is a loving Dom for a LTR. It will take me some time before I can search for that. I did change my profile but I think it still needs more of something.. I did take down the newbie stuff. Thanks Chatterparfait. I welcome suggestions on my profile.

Another thing that's important for you to know is that your experience is very normal.

It's very common for people who newly discover their submissive side, especially when that happens at an older age, so go into a phase that collegially called "sub frenzy".

It's a state in which the new sub is so eager to finally explore this side of herself that she ends up making a series of not-so-wise decisions in regards to men, because she wants to go so fast, and can't wait and be patient enough to hold back, and be picky, and evaluate red flags, as she normally would.

Most of them learn from their first couple bad decisions -like it sounds you have- calm down, and ease up a bit, and go on paying attention again to red flags, and the charter of them men they date with more caution. They then end up finding a much better match for them, and have very fulfilling BDSM relationships, as they grow into their own in this newly discovered self.

So don't be too harsh on yourself. This type of first relationship with a guy who wants to be far more casual than you end up finding out you need is very common. You'll do just fine finding somebody more suited for you now that you've got this experience under your belt.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 66

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/4/2012 11:28:20 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You handled yourself extremely well, and you are capable of learning from mistakes.

I vote we keep her !!

i second it

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 67

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 2:47:11 AM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

Hello my friends. It is the last straw that broke the camels back.
My Dom contacted Monday labor day at about 4PM

He asked "why haven't you invited me over?" So I did invite him over. This is how my Dom and me start with text when he is coming over to my house to 'play'
I text him that had just came from a work out at the gym and doing shopping, that I would text back when I arrived home.
When I did get home I took a shower, then text my Dom that I was home waiting for him to text back.
Poof !!he was gone, no text, no more contact.

So the next day tuesday I text him ask him," What happen on Monday, you ask me why haven't I invited you to my house, then you stopped all contact."

My Dom gave me a 12 page 'guideline' about his beliefs about Dom/sub relationships. He called it Protocol. In the Protocol it states
" Sir is responsible for the submissive’s social, emotional, and physical well-being in the context of the BDSM lifestyle. Sir is responsible always to do what is for the highest good of the
submissive."

I quoted that statement and told him he was not following is own protocol. That when he text me with intentions of a visit then stops contact it causes me stress and hurt feelings.
I then ask he respond please and clear this up. Note that I didn't use the words I text him as I did here. I refer to him as Sir and myself as sub in text to him.

I have not been contacted back by him and I took the advice of a Dom I have made friends with on line. He is married and we are more like a Dad and Daughter just on line. He told me to delete Dom's phone number from my contacts and forget about him. This morning I did just that!! There is still a possibility he could contact me on Friday, because he knows on Fridays I don't work and my grand kids are at their dads. By then I will be strong enough to ignore him turn off my phone if I have to.

Thanks to all the support I have here I have pulled my head out of my arse!!

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 68

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 4:10:51 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

Good for you.

You can do much better.

Now this is just and FYI, and something you're going to have to figure out your own stance on over the long run, but a lot of people consider something like the "guidelines" your previous dude gave you to be a huge red flag.
I've personally never met a guy who is seriously into the lifestyle and who has got experience who does stuff like that. Now I know that they exist, and I'm by no means saying that it's impossible to find a good guy who does "contract" and "guidelines" like that, but at the same time, the fact that many consider behavior like that to be a red flag is something you should be aware of. It usually does not speak of experience, but in fact of the opposite. It tends to speak of a guy who is very inexperienced, and very insecure about his own inexperience, and who is artificially trying to make himself look more in control/experienced, both in his own as well as his sub's eyes.

Guys who have their shit together don't tend to overwhelm a new sub with a 12 page manifesto of rules she needs to know and obey from day one, but instead, will take things as they come, slowly adding rules and expectations as needed, while tailoring how he goes about implementing them to the specific sub in question, instead of having a one-size-fits-all approach written down on paper.

Again... this may not apply for every guy out there, but as a general rule it seems to be about right.

Good luck.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 69

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 2:05:29 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You are learning, now that your eyes have been opened, what this guy is really like. He expects you to follow a set of rules he has no intention of following himself? I DON"T THINK SO.

The man's a loser, and we here on the boards sussed that pretty quick. You really do need to cut off all contact with him. He's not worth your time or your energy. Block him on your cell and on your pc. Once you do that, you know you are willing to not be his victim.

Yes, it will hurt, but this is b/c long buried sub feelings got fulfilled for a time. It's hard to put them back in the box. But you owe it to yourself to find somebody who will treat you well.

You have a lot of learning and growing to do. A new adventure and journey of discovery, which is a great place to be in your 50s. There is a current thread with a link to a great BDSM book list. While you are searching for a much better dom, do some reading.

And get your gorgeous self to a munch !!

_____________________________

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 70

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 4:05:25 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

He asked to come over because his wife was gone at the moment and he had a stiffy. She either came home unexpectedly, he fell asleep, or he masturbated instead and didn't need your services anymore. He's using you as a convenient mechanism to have some part time entertainment, I'm sorry but you're a booty call.

Yes, he may call again and if you listen to him, you may be susceptible to giving in to his explanations and whatever, don't even listen to the call. I'd also suggest you stop talking about him as Sir and yourself as sub. This never was D/s, it was an affair, and by you thinking it was the BDSM you wanted, you may find yourself in a weak moment letting him come over because it feeds your fantasy.

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 71

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 4:08:20 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

He told me to delete Dom's phone number from my contacts

In order to be able to screen, I never delete. I change ringtones: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 72

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 6:12:35 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I vote we keep her !!

I got a spare mattress in my basement, right by the wall that has chains attached to it. I can keep her there.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 73

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/5/2012 9:48:25 PM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

You are all such caring people!! I would love to go to a munch!! I have emailed the local BDSM organiztion , but have not received a reply. Hpoefully soon. On the positive side I have ben able to loose weight since I started this adventure in June. So far I have lost 26 lbs. Mostly because I get more exercise with Country line dancing andI joined the gym. I'm feeling good about myself and every time I work out I gain more confidence/ Thanks again. You are all a great group of people.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 74

RE: New sub seeks advice - 9/6/2012 5:05:55 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

We *are* great, also, exceedingly humble.

Major kudos to the losing weight and feeling good about yourself. Don't let this jerk slow down your progress toward an even better and more beautiful you.

Be prepared for him to begin some slightly stalkingish behavior. This can so happen with the ones who seem all aloof when they think *they* are in control !!

Really, the best thing to do is cut off all contact. If he engages you in person. laugh at him and walk away. Yes, you had a long sub frenzy moment. The man is not a good dominant, and probably not a dominant at all.

The truth he does not want you to know is that gorgeous fem subs such as yourself are in high demand, you can sooooooooos find someone better.

_____________________________

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 75

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