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RiotGirl -> What i'm angry about (6/11/2006 3:41:25 PM)
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All this talk of anger!!! Surely one should share MINE. As I am stting here angry.. well more so confused, frustrated, aggrivated.. not quite angry really. Not at the moment. that usually comes in spurts late at night. Luckily during the day, I can make it just a running back ground noise that I play "who could careless" with all day. Late at night, usually after the sun goes down for some reason.. it goes past angry. I literally start to become engraged. What i'd like to do, is take a bat and just demolish my computer. Well honestly I'd like to take a bat and just destroy my bedroom. Why? Cos I fucking want too... Woo hooo!
Yeah, during the day i tell myself how well and good it all is. New lease on life. Woo hoo! Freedom. Woo hoo! Who gives a fuck!! Woo hoo! Yay! Yes! I can go back to be crazy ME. Crazy, lunatical me who blows ppls minds left and right. Tell myself alot of things and I can even believe it generally. I force myself to make my words my reality. And it works generally. Sometimes, the bullshit just makes me want to slam my head through something large, solid that i know will shatter.
I'm angry because its the same fucking old story. Always this fucking way and i'm always fucking right and i'm sick of BEING right. Angry, because i damn well know better then to believe in people. Hasnt it been proven to me over and over and over again? Angry because there is still abit left over that is preventing me from taking my natural course of things. I'm angry because i'm left here hurt and bewildered not knowing which fucking way is up - yet having to pretend that the god damn world is made of roses. Angry because when it comes down to it, with that one person, i cant keep fronting. Angry because everything I want to say, where i dont have to beat around the bush i cant. Because i'm not a stupid person and I know.. I just know.. some stupid plausible excuse for why things are the way they are will pop up. Making how i feel uncalled for. Angry cos this is all bullshit and I'm allowing it, putting up with it, because if gives just that slimmer of chance.
Angry, because i cant adopt my cold, completely i dont give a fuck attitude with this situation. Angry because i protected myself from situations like this my whole life and here i sit right in the damn middle of it being hurt beyond words that could even explain it. And i'm ALLOWING IT. How i've felt in the past weeks is uncomphrensible to even put into words. Angry that i've got to protect myself from others in this state. Because GOD knows as soon as ppl see a weak spot they go in for the kill. They've already tried.
Angry cos as soon as i post this for some ungodly known reason, i'm going to go right back to pretending everything is okay. That i dont care. That i'm all right. That life is lovely jubbly. When really its the farthest thing from the truth. Yeahhhhhhhhhhh i'm just gonna continue sitting here hating the world, my bed, my bedroom and ppl. Angry cos i'm stuck. For the first time in my life.. because of others.. my life.. and myself. I'm stuck.
yeah hows that for fucking angry.
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