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Limits - 6/11/2006 7:37:10 PM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		What is the need for having soft limits if you or opposed to doing some thing and state that in the beginning  it is a limit that's not to be crossed  so weir does it get to be hard or soft .
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RE: Limits - 6/11/2006 7:48:30 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Soft limits are things I'm interested in doing, but I am nervous about and feel I would need some time and coaxing to do them. They are things that require a greater level of trust. So they are things I might do at some time, but would not want to do right away with a new partner.

At least for me, that is what a soft limit is.

(in reply to chains314)
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RE: Limits - 6/11/2006 10:33:09 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
Soft limits are things I'm interested in doing, but I am nervous about and feel I would need some time and coaxing to do them. They are things that require a greater level of trust. So they are things I might do at some time, but would not want to do right away with a new partner.


I think this may be the best concise definition of "soft limits" that I've ever read.  Thank you.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
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RE: Limits - 6/11/2006 10:36:40 PM   
MzMinx


Posts: 277
Joined: 12/26/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with Tnstepsout

although I wouldn't say  a soft limit always falls into an area of interest .... it might be an area  that  you are  unsure  of or even dislike ... but with an understanding that  because its not an absolute hard limit,  when control and trust are deep enough, it  is the dominants  choice (with consent)  to  push it or explore its edge.   

but soft limits  definitly fall into the trust issue .....  as Tnstepsout said ....  what a sub may trust one to do ... they do not  trust  or desire to do with another ..

but if you say its not to be crossed ever .... then it is on the side of  a hard limit ... and should not just be pushed or discarded  or indeed  belittled

its just that  the terms are often used without reffereing to  what someone really means... 

when I discuss limits with  a  submissive ... I often ask them why something is a limit ... i try and understand  which ones are 'hard'  or  not to be explored   and  which are  really about where they are right now and where they are with me.... in other words  'soft' limits.. without them needing to say  soft or hard ... its part of getting to know them .. understand them and is an ongoing process (if its not a once of play session )

I  also think its very important they understand my limits and why I have them ... because often its the dominants  limits that help set the direction of exploreation.. as much as a submissives

(in reply to TNstepsout)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 6:39:09 AM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		If one sets a limit on some thing that should be it why would some one else think thy have a right to push it .  I don't think it proves any thing to push some one to a limit thy or not comfortable with .All it proves is the dormant thinks thy have Right right to do any thing thy wish with you . W itch tells me thy don't have respect for my wellbeing its easy to push some one to limits if you have them helpless

(in reply to MzMinx)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 6:49:48 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Limits exist whether one is in or out of the life, and as humans, we negotiate, eliminate or validate those limits on a daily basis. The life is no different, its a roadmap if you will, to a match, and I can assure you for the right person, you will negotiate, eliminate, or validate those limits.

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 8:28:10 AM   
Proprietrix


Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
This is one of my soap-box topics.
I veer away from the term "soft limit".
I prefer to use the term "negotiable".
Either it’s an activity you’re OK with, you’ve got a limit against it, or it’s something we can negotiate and discuss trying.

And I absolutely do not believe in "pushing limits".
Adults.
Consent.
Period.

It’s not my place to coerce, coax, manipulate, or push any adult into doing something that they are opposed to doing. If it falls in your limit box, it’s not my turf. If and when you choose to remove it from your limit box and put it on the table for negotiation, then I will do my best to teach, guide, lead, and direct you down the path of exploring it.
Limits are there for a reason. If I take it upon myself to reach in and grab out limits and push you into them, I am nullifying your consent. If you consent to them, then by definition, they are not limits.

Lists should never replace communication.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 8:32:07 AM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Yes we do have limits in every day live like speed limits and when we violate them we pay the penalty for it

(in reply to MHOO314)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 8:41:23 AM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		When we violate a speed limit do we tell the judge gee judge it was just a soft limit i would not normally do it with a cop around but I feel comfortable  to do it if no one sees me

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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 8:53:31 AM   
chains314


Posts: 81
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		Yes i title agree with you on that 

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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 8:54:53 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		What is your definition of pushing limits?  Does it mean that it is done regardless of what you say?  Perhaps pushing limits is simply educating the person or presenting the limit in a manner that may seem more attractive to the sub, allowing the sub to consider it and perhaps remove it as a limit. 

I know when I started out I had limits that are now among my list of favorite activities.  The only way they got there was to be "pushed".  There was exposure to it, a lessening of the squick factor, the beginning of an interest, then an arousal, then learning the technique, then loving it...

Limits can change over time.  It does not necessarily mean the dominant is disregarding your feelings entirely but is presenting the issue from time to time for your reconsideration.

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to chains314)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 9:04:25 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Soft limits are things I'm interested in doing, but I am nervous about and feel I would need some time and coaxing to do them. They are things that require a greater level of trust. So they are things I might do at some time, but would not want to do right away with a new partner.

At least for me, that is what a soft limit is.


This is how I see and use soft limits too.



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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to TNstepsout)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 12:36:32 PM   
SenseofBelonging


Posts: 69
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		for me, soft limits include things in which i have no real interest at all, and would not do with anyone else, but would conform to Mistress's desires in order to please Her.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 1:53:30 PM   
peterK50


Posts: 433
Joined: 1/12/2006
Status: offline 		I consider a soft limit as something I may need a lil push & a bit of teaching. My hard limits are nothing Illegal, Unhealthy, Or Dangerous.

(in reply to SenseofBelonging)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 2:29:27 PM   
DoraExplorer


Posts: 21
Joined: 4/30/2006
Status: offline 		Soft limits to me are "I'm not sure / never done it before / it scares me, but I'll try if you help", rather than hard limits which are "no frickin way, a whole world of *no*".  I wouldn't exactly call it 'pushing', more helping a sub to explore something and if they like it, great, if they don't but they're willing to endure it, great, if they don't and don't want to try again, fine - it becomes a hard limit.

_____________________________

Thank you for *not* being perky

(in reply to peterK50)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 2:34:44 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		~shrug~ I don't do "soft limits."

The way I look at it, if it's a limit, it's a limit. Period. It's something I will not do, or cannot do for moral, health, or ethical reasons. My limits are not things that are to be pushed or tested. They are -limits-, things which limit my behavior.

If something's a soft limit, then in my book, it's not a limit. It's a preference, or something you hesitate to do, but certainly not a limit.

Basically, I agree with Proprietrix.


_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 7:52:51 PM   
mellian


Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline 		For me, it is easier and safer to point out the soft limits to differentiate from the hard limits so they have a Domme has a better idea to punish and discipline me if required, along with base on what they know of me, so they can avoid bad mistakes. Part of communicating has I see it.

Of course, after reading others posts and how they see soft limits, I should probably better defined what I mean as hard reds and soft reds.

-mellian

< Message edited by mellian -- 6/12/2006 7:53:56 PM >

(in reply to chains314)
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RE: Limits - 6/12/2006 10:57:04 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		If someone tells me I am not willing/able to do these things, I consider them a limit period, and I either accept them as hard limits or consider us imcompatible.

I have however seen kink/fetish interest lists which require you list your interest level from 0=none/never, to 5=Yes please, every day if possible.   In my mind I would consider anything categorized as level 1-3 as not so desirable but perhaps things we can change over time given a good relationship, massive trust/comfort levels. 
Hope that makes sense,   M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to chains314)
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