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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/3/2012 7:17:15 PM

MistressDarkArt

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Baroana-

There was a period in my life when sometimes I would take on guys such as you describe with the understanding (to myself) that they were present to fill needs/wants I had within their capacity. Setting up the parameters beforehand with myself kept me from disappointment. I expected them to be no more than they were.

In addition to my desire to physically scene them, there were other simple requirements they agreed to meet (and were capable of) such as: 'We will be going out to dinner on your tab before the rest of our evening begins. I would like you to drive us.' (Affluent submissive with fun car who loves to drive and dine out in upscale restaurants.) 'I will need you to bring x-kind of pizza and ice cream, make a fire in the woodstove and rub my feet for an hour before anything else happens.' (Local submissive who knows my taste in comfort food and is a massage therapist.) 'I would like you to split a box of kindling, stack the wood pile and weed the cat house before we head into the play part of our afternoon.' (Student submissive with athletic physique and limited funds.) "Please organize the closet in the bedroom. Here is $xx for groceries, please go shopping and make this cookie recipe for a potluck tomorrow.' (Local submissive who enjoys domestic service. That was the extent of our time together...no play...he just liked me to hang out with him while he cooked and cleaned my place.)

These folks weren't partnership material but they still had interesting and useful things to offer. Keeping the circumstances compartmentalized this way worked very well, as did having several of them around concurrently so I got help with stuff AND we enjoyed great scenes. I called it my 'bouquet' of subs. I really enjoyed this paradigm and soon realized that was the way I preferred to keep it. Now, I have two long-time loves who are my 'heart-partners'. When they are not available I fill in the blanks with the bouquet guys, though as time has passed I feel less compelled to engage them (sometimes it's just easier to pay a housekeeper or hire the neighborhood kid to tidy up the wood pile.)

Think outside the box. Saves much agony banging head against the wall while your needs go unmet.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 9/3/2012 7:41:13 PM >

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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/7/2012 3:57:00 PM

hauser

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OP, I love your question. I don't think I've ever made the right decisions in my personal life at any time. I've just been very lucky that things didn't go horribly wrong. You are in control. If it doesn't feel right, and you know it isn't right, just walk away. Have some "friends" available to you to satisfy your carnal needs. Set your standards, live your life, and know where your "friends" are when you need that release. Don't waste your time on frivolous pursuits. Control your life.

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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/7/2012 4:10:54 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

I find women I meet on OK Cupid are willing to get together almost right away (unlike the rigamarole that sometimes takes place on CM), and have fewer expectations if we kiss. At least in my personal experience, it's easier to date "lite" in nilla.

quote:

That said, in my experience, women on kink sites, both dom and sub, tend to have a "fairy tale syndrome," where they measure me against the "True Dom" or the "perfect sub" (I've dated switch) in their minds, instead of trying to build a relationship using practical measuring sticks. Kink-curious or kinky women on vanilla sites, by contrast, tend to be much more "this is what it is," ie, more emotionally mature about relationships after the age of 30. Maybe this will go somewhere, maybe it won't, let's enjoy the ride either way.

I like to have a coffee meet relatively quickly, say within a week or two, but I put a lot more effort into prescreening now that my idea of good sex involves me being helpless and tortured.

When I just had vanilla sex my concern was with condoms and my timeline for sex very short.

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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/7/2012 4:13:37 PM

Tantriqu

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Joined: 12/29/2006
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OP, I *understand*. Yes, skin-cravings get us into situations.
A couple of times where it's been too long between good men, I date slightly-damaged; men I wouldn't normally ever consider (just out of a relationship, past history of depression, asperger traits) in order to have vanilla dates, smooches and orgasms. Although it never works out, it doesn't last long, so it's dating-lite and they know it from the get-go.

There's no right answer on the continuum of wait forever to meet Mr. Right, or waste time with Mr. Wrong; your choice.
Just know where to draw your particular line.
And a nifty thing is the line moves! For me, I was astonished to find out how sexy it is to observe a good man being a great dad; his kids never knew what happened behind closed doors, and they found out how a lady and gentleman behave beyond closed doors.
And other times, the line gets moved way, WAY back the other way. Ya never know --

Good luck to us all!

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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/7/2012 4:23:51 PM

fucktoyprincess

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Well, I think this is one of those situations where we each have an approach that we are comfortable (either just say no, or play until the right person comes along), and our approach can even change depending on our age, and our recent dating/relationship experiences.

But the way you pose the question sort of implies to me that you feel "just say no" is the "right" approach. And I would just say, that it could be the right approach for you at this juncture, in which case, absolutely "say no" and just move on. But I'm not sure that for every person, every denial of temptation, even from the wrong sort, is necessarily the right approach. It really depends. Others have already alluded to the various ways one can engage in Mr.Wrong without having things end badly, or spiral out of control. It is possible. However, one's comfort level with that sort of situation is still going to be a very individualized thing. To that point, I agree with the person who said there are no right answers to this, per se.

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RE: How do you keep yourself thinking with the correct ... - 9/7/2012 4:33:47 PM

kalikshama

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quote:

There was a period in my life when sometimes I would take on guys such as you describe with the understanding (to myself) that they were present to fill needs/wants I had within their capacity.

Great post MDA! Sometimes I have Project Guy, who meets my unrequited need to do social work. They always end up aggravating the hell out of me, so I should just volunteer somewhere

In between Relationship Guys, I'll sometimes have Unavailable Guy with Good Boundaries as a play partner. These tend to be married guys in open relationships who have great technical skills. (Project Guys have terrible boundaries. And drinking problems. Which is why they need so much help.)

I also had Naughty Massage Guy, who was willing to combine the massage with masturbation, but I declined the Happy Ending.

I have a predilection for Narcissists, but with a good therapist a few years ago I was able to extricate myself from the next two who came my way.

(In case any potentials are reading this in horror, I must add that the above refer to In Between Guys and that I was married for 18 years and also in a four year relationship that commenced a few years after my husband and I separated.)

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