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Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 4:31:03 AM

doll

Posts: 296
Joined: 7/10/2005
From: Middle Georgia
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Ok not sure if I am even posting in the right place or not, but I need some advice. I have an online friend who is also a sub. He has a few fetishes that I don't really care for, but am tolerant of because of our friendship. He calls me his "sub sis" which doesn't really bother me if that is how he feels. Well, he has asked me to help direct him in his fetishes i.e. how long he is to do certain things or what not...( I don't really want to air his fetishes, so I am sorry for being vague)
He was recently released from his mistress and now makes me feel like he expects me to take over as his mistress even though he knows I am a sub. How would I let him know I am not comfortable in doing this without hurting his feelings or our friendship?? Any advice on this would be appreciated. Thank you...

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 4:34:20 AM

Lashra

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Tell him in the nicest way that you can that you are NOT his replacement Mistress or a fill in until another one comes along. Make sure to stress that you value him as a friend but no you are not his Mistress and that perhaps its time he sought another.

Good luck,

~Lashra

(in reply to doll)

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 4:46:51 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
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Lashra hit it on the head. Tell him, there is no other way to do it, and keep in mind it is NOT your responsibility to control how he responds to it, and you couldn't control it if you did want to.

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 4:53:23 AM

doll

Posts: 296
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From: Middle Georgia
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I have tried telling him this and he said he was sorry and didn't mean to make me feel that way... then goes right back to doing it.

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:02:14 AM

MsLayla

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Sweden/Belgium
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Then you should put your foot down I think.
It is not very respectful of your friend to not take your feeling into account.
And a bit nasty to lay his problems on you when you have let him know you can only help him that much.

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:14:05 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Say to him in a monotone voice " I am not your domme, this is a recording".

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:19:11 AM

Level

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doll, some people never "get it". I know he's your friend, and that you care for him, but I would never let someone do that to me. Cut him off for a couple of weeks, if he changes, fine, if that still doesn't work, I'd tell him bye.

Level

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:21:37 AM

Mistrix

Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
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YES, put your foot down for sure. or send him to the message that you posted. he might get the hint.
:-)

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:22:28 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
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doll,

You cannot take the place of his dominant. You know that. He, however, secretly believes you can, I think. Tell him explicity that you have no interest in this area of his life and that if he'd like the friendship to continue, he will stop asking.

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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Post #: 9

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:23:57 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Your friend seems to fail to recognize that the relationship is a dynamic between a Dominant and a submissive, not a stage play directed by just anyone, I would be curious why he was released by his previous Mistress--however, there are plenty of online Dommes that can act as stand -ins until he can find another Mistress, but it sounds to Me like he is looking for fodder for wanking material ( not meant to be an insult against your friend) Be firm, it's not your cup of tea---if he misses One that much, he should be using his energies to go hunting.

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:45:38 AM

doll

Posts: 296
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From: Middle Georgia
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Actually his fetish isn't sexually related. He doesn't do it as wanking material and I agree totally that he thinks of me as a stand-in until he finds someone new to be his mistress. I am not sure why he was released, all that he told me is that she wasn't into his fetishes either.

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 6:39:04 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: doll

I have tried telling him this and he said he was sorry and didn't mean to make me feel that way... then goes right back to doing it.

You have "Tried" telling him? Or have you actually TOLD him.

Simple question... If you can't protect your boundaries from a friend... How are you going to protect your boundaries with someone that your deeply intimate with?

If you actaully TOLD him... and he continues to do it.... then is he really your friend? Seems to me your a friendship of convience to him. Friendships respect the boundaries of each other. You need to stand firm!!!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 12

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:08:38 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
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I specifically state in my profile that I will not allow others to live vicariously through me.
That sounds like what your friend is doing. He is living his kink vicariously through you because he can't live it out the way he wants/needs to.
Maybe you could approach the topic from that angle.
"Let's think of a way that you can live out your kink for yourself instead of living it out vicariously through others."

Because in the end, this guy is going to be disappointed in *any* relationship if he doesn't learn to live his kink the way he needs to. Even most Dominants out there aren't looking for someone to live vicariously through them. They are looking for people who are secure in knowing what they need and how to get it.
And that's the best starting position for someone who uses others to live out their fantasies vicariously.

What do you *really* need?
How can you get it?

I'm sure he isn't going to answer "I really need to live out my kink via my sister submissives and I can get it by using you."
But right now that's what he's doing.

It might be something as simple as "I need acceptance for my kink."
And how to get that is fairly easy... get involved in a local group, play party, or dungeon.

Since I don't know the specifics, that's about all I can offer at this point.

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Post #: 13

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:12:27 AM

composer83

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/14/2006
From: Oklahoma City
Status: offline

i'd say, take a cue from a Mistress, put your foot down & say "F*** off!"........if it were me id be as rude as possible about it... but then again i have little tolerance for people who pretend to listen to what i say but really just ignore it completely.......
i mean you said he's an 'online friend' so....where's the loss?

~m

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RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:16:17 AM

angelface183

Posts: 688
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

No true worders were ever spoken:

quote:

If you actually TOLD him... and he continues to do it.... then is he really your friend? Seems to me your a friendship of convenience to him. Friendships respect the boundaries of each other.

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"...... all that, a bag of chips AND a pickle!!!"

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Post #: 15

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:20:06 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: doll

Ok not sure if I am even posting in the right place or not, but I need some advice. I have an online friend who is also a sub. He has a few fetishes that I don't really care for, but am tolerant of because of our friendship. He calls me his "sub sis" which doesn't really bother me if that is how he feels. Well, he has asked me to help direct him in his fetishes i.e. how long he is to do certain things or what not...( I don't really want to air his fetishes, so I am sorry for being vague)
He was recently released from his mistress and now makes me feel like he expects me to take over as his mistress even though he knows I am a sub. How would I let him know I am not comfortable in doing this without hurting his feelings or our friendship?? Any advice on this would be appreciated. Thank you...

Sadly since he is an online friend you have to use this written medium to communicate and I think its almost impossible to word something that will honest to what you need (not to do this for him) and not hurt his feelings.

If you met him face-to-face you could use tone of voice and body language and you'd get immediate feedback and could have a back and forth.

I do not recommend you meet him face-to-face though since he wants you to behave in a top manner -- he could act that out and I think that would make you very uncomfortable.

So just be honest and word it politely.

Sometimes like "As you know, I am also a submissive, and your suggestions that I take are this toppish role are really making me uncomfortable. For the sake of our friendship, please don't ask me to do these things again."

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Post #: 16

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:21:07 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: doll

I have tried telling him this and he said he was sorry and didn't mean to make me feel that way... then goes right back to doing it.

You may have to stop talking to him then if he can't respect your own limits.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to doll)

Post #: 17

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 9:57:12 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

quote:

ORIGINAL: doll

I have tried telling him this and he said he was sorry and didn't mean to make me feel that way... then goes right back to doing it.

You may have to stop talking to him then if he can't respect your own limits.

This is exactly what I was thinking, and what I did in a very similar situation. A submissive man who had befriended me told me he felt moved by me. He wanted me to instruct him and teach him to express his submissiveness. He behaved very submissively toward me, and repeatedly asked me if I would ask my Master if I might guide him. I was not comfortable with that at the time, and I did speak to my Master about it, who decided I was not ready for something like that and would likely never be, other than to assist him (my Master) with someone else. I was relieved, as I agreed. I told my submissive friend but he was unrelenting. I told him directly and bluntly to stop trying to manipulate the situation to his liking. He continued. So I told him we were done, and to not contact me again, as he did not respect my boundaries, or my Master's boundaries.

I didn't hear from him for over 6 months. Now he will pop into IM about once a month or more to say hello. If I feel like chatting I will, otherwise I tell him I am busy. Some never understand it. Some need to simply be blocked. It is unfortunate, but true. A friend wouldn't use you like that - not on purpose, anyway. Best of luck in this.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 18

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 11:00:33 AM

candleTC

Posts: 148
Joined: 5/8/2006
From: Springfield, Il
Status: offline

As others have stated, it's best to be brutally honest with him, letting him know that in no way, shape or form, are you there to be his Mistress, domme, top or otherwise. Explain to him that never having "dominated" a boy, or anyone else for that matter, you have NO clue how to answer his questions. Then once you have made that clear to him, send him to me... ( insert evil grin with somewhat sinister laughter here )

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Post #: 19

RE: Not really sure what to do... - 6/12/2006 5:11:25 PM

doll

Posts: 296
Joined: 7/10/2005
From: Middle Georgia
Status: offline

I took the advice and suggestions and told him yet again and he said he understood. Now if he follows through great....if he doesn't then I will have to take the rest of the advice and stop talking to him period. Thank you all for the great advice and such.

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Official Member Of MoGa's IN-crowd!
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Post #: 20

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