why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 12:15:29 AM

MyHazelLabyrinth

Posts: 112
Joined: 8/12/2011
Status: offline

Hello again

Since i haven't posted for such a long time, i have a few things that i want to discuss.

Now, what i want to know is why do people involved in this lifestyle think that there are different rules for a vanilla relationship compared to a kink one?

I'm sure you all have seen examples of this.

- a sub/slave in a new D/s or M/s relationship, where the Dom she is involved with is not communicating properly or isn't treating her right and she wants to know how other subs have gone in the situation. Rather than just using common sense.
- a Dom that doesn't communicate well with his submissive/slave in the relationship, and believes that the sub/slave should be at his call at all times with no regard for their needs/wants.

Now those are just two very vague examples (vague because i dont want to insult someone by accident)

This isn't written out the best, but i just want to know, why do people see this lifestlye as so much different than the vanilla world? Why are there different ways to behave when problems come up in relationships?

The "people" i'm referring to are probably (not necessarily) those that lack knowledge or perhaps just not aware.
But why are these people not using common sense?

If you think i'm out of line, let me know. And if you disagree also comment. I don't post to say "what i type is truth" so any and all opinions on this would be much appreciated and helpful to me.

Thanks for reading =D

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 12:54:09 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm just going to save Myself some time and post this link. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4231964/tm.htm

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 3:50:52 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I think "people" are entitled to think whatever thay like. And that "common sense" isn't nearly so common as the popular phrase implies - or is at least highly subjective and relative to the individual concerned.

Which means I'm not really so sure what you're asking. Fortunately, that won't stop me offering an opinion, anyway.... ;)

My D/s relationships have functioned on a (theoretical) 24/7 basis. But they were still whole relationships (ie, not just about kink) which means in reality, they were still probably 90% vanilla in the everyday. People work, chores need to be done, friends, rellies and committments need to be accommodated etc; just like any other vanilla relationship.

The "24/7" is a way of saying that the D/s aspect of the relationship is available any time I/we need it to be; that we don't set "appointments" or confine it to bedroom intimacy etc. Nor do we overtly put our D/s on display for others, yet I'm still able to "pull the reins" with just a look in a crowded room, if necessary.

Like I said, it's a *relationship* - we both have our obligations to make it work, which can even mean that I sometimes (*gasp*) help with the dishes. Shhhh...!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to MyHazelLabyrinth)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 8:46:17 AM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I think "people" are entitled to think whatever thay like. And that "common sense" isn't nearly so common as the popular phrase implies - or is at least highly subjective and relative to the individual concerned.

Focus.

Quoted for truthiness.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyHazelLabyrinth
Now, what i want to know is why do people involved in this lifestyle think that there are different rules for a vanilla relationship compared to a kink one?

There are rules? Where can I read up on these "rules".

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to Focus50)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 9:00:37 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It's called sub/dom frenzy. It's like when you discover something new and you go all crazy out with it...for example, there are people who get a new motorcycle or car and all of a sudden they get this idea to run it into the ground because they want to see what it will do and they're hyper about the new purchase.

Bdsm seems to be the same way....someone all of a sudden "discovers" bdsm and they decide to park their brain outside the door and let all loose. It seems to be extremely common.

I can't say I've ever been like that, not even when I "first discovered" bdsm so it's the only rational explanation I can come up with. The younger generation doing it I am not that surprised about. It's the older generation...the 40's and up people who know about life and experiences or at least they should and they think bdsm will somehow make them dating material or that there are special rules. They think that because usually they don't fit in anywhere else and they think that if they do bdsm they will magically be a better partner to someone. Someone has gotta want them now....I mean, it's bdsm right?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Endivius)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 11:36:45 AM

BambiBoi

Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline

Hazel,

It seems the thread Lady Pact has forwarded you has a minor contribution from me on this subject as well. I reproduce it here, in pertinent part, for your convenience.

"...[T]hat a relationship has a D/s element does not require common sense to go out the window... So many submissives, especially those new and eager to please, endure silliness that borders stupidity because they would feel like a failure for not abiding certain tasks..."

But that is the same conclusion you've come to and now you ask why. I suspect the biggest reason is that newcomers attribute a magical distinction between those who identify as doms and subs. Subs should focus all their energy on pleasing the other and doms get what they want and will tolerate no insubordination. Maybe its because that's what we see in vanilla power dynamics (e.g. military) or from BDSM pornography. Books very much included in the smut pile. It takes a metaphorical slap in the face to remind these people that just because you're on the bottom of the kneel doesn't mean whoever is standing above you is "above" you.

The submissive gets a flood of desire and the blood stops going to his or her head. It only wants to serve and please. I suggest this is an early taste of subspace (but a careful reader of my posts will note I have never, by my own admission, experienced subspace, so I'm no authority). Meanwhile the new dominant wants so badly to fill this role, but lacks any meaningful arrows in the quiver. A dominant who is just starting out has no types of "play" at his disposal. It cannot say "we're doing suspension today." The new dominant is also new (at best) to the community. So they have no connections on how more complex BDSM kinks can be put together. So how does one exercise dominance with no topping skills? By being domineering. Even if they mean well, new dominants too often are afraid to admit ignorance. This slows development and growth for both parties.

TL;DR? He's too proud to stop and ask for directions and she wants to put putty over cracks until DOM4U6969 on CollarMe looks like Cristian Grey.

Edit to Add: I chose that username not knowing a very, eerily similar one actually exists. Poor guy. I'm not worried because he has 0 forum posts and has not logged in for months. Scratch one for Bambi.

< Message edited by BambiBoi -- 9/6/2012 11:42:44 AM >

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to littlewonder)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 11:47:47 AM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It's called sub/dom frenzy. It's like when you discover something new and you go all crazy out with it...for example, there are people who get a new motorcycle or car and all of a sudden they get this idea to run it into the ground because they want to see what it will do and they're hyper about the new purchase.

Bdsm seems to be the same way....someone all of a sudden "discovers" bdsm and they decide to park their brain outside the door and let all loose. It seems to be extremely common.

I can't say I've ever been like that, not even when I "first discovered" bdsm so it's the only rational explanation I can come up with. The younger generation doing it I am not that surprised about. It's the older generation...the 40's and up people who know about life and experiences or at least they should and they think bdsm will somehow make them dating material or that there are special rules. They think that because usually they don't fit in anywhere else and they think that if they do bdsm they will magically be a better partner to someone. Someone has gotta want them now....I mean, it's bdsm right?

_____________________________

It's a woman, it doesnt know what it wants (aka the stereotypical joke)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: why are there different rules for vanilla vs kink? - 9/6/2012 2:17:16 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Indeed, I tend to be a very tiny bit forgiving of the youths. The 30plus should know better.

They tend to just come across as very very fucking stupid.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to chemeli)

Profile

Post #: 8