RE: Question for A/all

RE: Question for A/all (Full Version)

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Proprietrix -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 11:03:02 AM)
I’ve seen you ask a lot of different questions here. I could give you my opinions/answers to each individual question, but instead I’m taking them all as a whole, and here’s the general picture I’m getting: You’re new to the lifestyle. You’re in a relationship in which there’s a lot of kink and play, but little power exchange outside of scening, and you want more power exchange. Is that a fair assessment? If it is, then I suspect, based on your posts is that you are projecting a lot on your Dominant. You are assuming that he is incapable of making decisions, or that he can’t punish/reward you, or that he’s unable to set boundaries, or that he doesn’t trust his own Dominance. But those assumptions seemed to be based on the fact that he isn’t doing power exchange related activities. May it be that he’s perfectly content with a relationship of topping/bottoming and kinky play sessions and doesn't want or hasn’t considered power exchange? You’re asking questions about all the details of power exchange (punish vs discipline, trust in decision-making, etc…) but you’ve really not said anything that would incline me to think that power exchange is even what your Dominant is seeking in the relationship. The bottom line for me in any relationship is honesty and communication. It may be in your best interest to sit down with your partner and discuss what you both want. He might only want play time. He might want power exchange. You’ll never know unless he tells you. Does he know you want more power exchange? Maybe he thinks you’re perfectly happy with play time only. Are you both heading down the same path? Do you each individually know which paths you want to be going down? Are those paths compatible? I don’t know the details of your situation, but it seems like there might be some major gaps in communication in the relationship. Until you both know exactly what you want individually, and then as a couple, all the little details/specifics about particular aspects of the lifestyle really hold no bearing on the outcome.

litleone8620 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 11:44:51 AM)
I've heard a lot of answers to my questions, and yes, i have aksed a lot of questions, many of them repetitive (in my opinion anyway). And while i got a lot of great advice, some of it made me more confused. I didn't realize that by asking questions about discipline/punishment etc, i was talking about power exchange. There is no power exchange between my partner and i, and even less communication. I know communication is critical in any type of relationship, but maybe even more important in a D/s relationship. My problem with opening communication is how to even begin such a conversation. That, and i think i am going to have to end it with Him. I think maybe just scening is what He wants, and i am not being fulfilled in O/our relationship.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 11:46:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: litleone8620 My problem with opening communication is how to even begin such a conversation "Hey I've got a question for you" tends to work very well.. quote: That, and i think i am going to have to end it with Him. I think maybe just scening is what He wants, and i am not being fulfilled in O/our relationship. And don't get into another commitment with anyone for at least 6 months.

MasterStoney442 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 11:51:47 AM)
litleone8620, I was going to give my advise or should say respond to your OP but, after reading your profile, I have a question. Are you in a relationship now or not? rose442

mnottertail -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 11:53:48 AM)
Sound advice from LA. I echo the sentiments. Perhaps confusion reigns on both sides of the sheets? You are rather youthful and I am going to suppose (for this argument at least) that he is as well. Whatever---- blow him out or keep him. Either way, clear open honest communication, and LISTEN. If nothing else you have that experience to take away with you. Don't argue--- communicate. He and you may come to terms... he and you may not. But you will have to come to terms with you......cause you have to live with you until you go to your stones.

litleone8620 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:00:11 PM)
Yes, i am currently in a relationship right now. I still don't understand how six months will help. You told me to use six months to make sure this is what i want, but why six months? Why not 3 or 12? And i have thought about this while i was doing my research of the lifestyle. At the beginning of this post, i believed i was second guessing my own decision, but i realized i was second guessing my relationship with my Master. Maybe i am too young to be entering into a committed relationship.

litleone8620 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:05:33 PM)
it seems communication is the prevalent theme here. why didn't i think of that?

mnottertail -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:10:46 PM)
If I am understanding this. LA told you not to get into ANOTHER relationship for at least 6 months minimum, if you blow this one out. She could have said 3 (too early) she could have said 9 (you would have never even let that one sink in) the idea being that you don't, in the midst of your current confusion, end up diving into the same situation. The six is arbitrary but should be a good MINIMUM for you to reflect, read and learn.......examine what it is you want.

Sab -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:12:57 PM)
You will find that we all, repeatedly, say that communication is a strong key to use - ask, question, ask and question again - but, also LISTEN as you have been told! If you don't do that the communication really isn't there in the first place.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:34:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: litleone8620 You told me to use six months to make sure this is what i want, but why six months? Why not 3 or 12? I said AT LEAST 6 months...so if it takes more, that's fine. But 6 is a good general time frame from which a person can get over that "rushed new OMG I need I feel I desire I'm drowning" feeling and get all these basic questions settled. The questions you've been asking today should have been asked LONG before you even CONSIDERED making a commitment to someone else. Unfortunately you rushed into something and are now having to play catch up the hard way. There's nothing to lose in going slow, and everything to gain. quote: And i have thought about this while i was doing my research of the lifestyle. At the beginning of this post, i believed i was second guessing my own decision, but i realized i was second guessing my relationship with my Master. Maybe i am too young to be entering into a committed relationship. Too inexperienced, too confused, too clouded perhaps- but not too young.

litleone8620 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:37:59 PM)
I have thought about this, over and over and over again, before i've decided to enter into the relationship i'm in now. I've made my decision about being in the lifestyle; six months, three months, nine months, isn't going to change that. However, yes, maybe i do need to take a step back, and take a look at my life, and the decisions i have made, reflect and all that. But i just can't see myself changing my mind about being in the lifestyle. Staying with my Master, is another story...

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:41:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: litleone8620 I have thought about this, over and over and over again, before i've decided to enter into the relationship i'm in now. I've made my decision about being in the lifestyle; six months, three months, nine months, isn't going to change that. I didn't say "in the lifestyle" I said "make a commitment" and "get into a committed relationship."

mnottertail -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:42:03 PM)
You are not LISTENING. She said before you jump in another relationship. She could give a fiddlers fuck about your lifestyle........(well, I may be putting words in her mouth there) So you are 4 months in a relationship you gave 6 months thought to, ready to bail? Can you count? maybe you need to SLOW down, and really consider what you are looking for. Nothing to do with ass-whippings (in the literal sense)

darkinshadows -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 12:42:54 PM)
When Em suggested 6 months... she doesn't mean it as a hard or fast rule - its just a good example of a timeframe. You might find after 2 months... the relationship is sucky... end it. If at 6 months you are still not sure... try a few more. Em was just suggesting time.... no more no less. It wasn't a suggestion on BDSM.. but the situation you are in. And that can be said for any situation at all. Peace and Rapture.

litleone8620 -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:06:45 PM)
Ok, so i was jumping to conclusions when i read your message. i reread your messages and you never said anything about the lifestyle. I suppose i saw what i wanted to read. I will take your advice to heart, and communicate not only with my partner, and with myself. I know you never suggested it, but i'm taking my profile off this website, i will, however, modify it. Thank you for the help

ownedgirlie -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:11:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BreakMeShakeMe Sets about setting up flame resistance armor..... because I've got something to say..and I just know..some are not going to like this. Gets out my blow torch...lol You're going to make me think today. Don't you know I took the day off so I could rest??? :) quote: What I'm doing is trying to understand why... or how... is it... that most on here seem to think...that in order to have a sub/slave.... they have to be stupid. Maybe stupid is the wrong word... so let's try..a child... they have to be taught this...taught that....trained to do this... trained to do that....if they do not do this... they don't get this.. they do not get that.....they will get this... they will get that. So it makes me wonder... when does the sub/slave become the adult you want to spend your life with? No, not stupid. But if I want to serve Master to the best of his liking, I am going to learn what that liking is. In order to learn what it takes to please him, I must be taught, or trained, however you want to put it. If he did not see me as an adult, he would not have wanted me. quote: Because it sure seems most not all doms....are not interested in the sub/slave for who they already are. Most want to change the person they sought out to make their own. If there are so many flaws... why bother? Sure there might be 1 or 2 that can be over looked... talked about... removed or corrected even. But when there's a handful... hell.. let's just remodel them and make them what I want. And then when the remodeling doesn't go fast enough.... or right.... here goes the velcro collars. LOL I like your word - remodeling. Maybe in some cases you are right. Here I can only speak for my own relationship. It is not so much he wanted to change me - he wanted to bring out the best in me. Yes, I was flawed. But he saw through those flaws and right into my potential and capability. He saw through my baggage and knew I could be a happier, healthier, better servant. So he fine tuned what was already there. This was no easy task, for either of us. It took a lot of patience on his part and a lot of trust on mine. Those who knew me before I became his, say they see such differences in me - all good. I am happier. I am at peace. I have even keeled in a crisis. I can handle myself and not become overly stressed. I can serve him better if I am in tune with myself. We are both more pleased as a result. So yes, he did change me. He did help me to eliminate some major flaws. As a result, I am what we both want. Maybe this is different than what you were talking about, but I believe it is what the intention tends to be out there. quote: Then you got the "punishment". When my slave does this... doesn't do that.. I punish them. Forget the fact that everyday life might of stepped in. Forget the fact that sometimes... just sometimes.. things are forgotten.... side tracked.... unable to do for whatever reason. So let's just punish them and make sure it doesn't happen again. Treat them like a child because they're acting like a child because the so called adult didn't get what they wanted, the way they wanted, when they wanted. So the dom is going to "teach them a lesson". Pfffttttt..... Personally, I need to know there is a consequence. I need to be pushed hard. Yes life steps in. Yes I forget. But I need that kind of discipline. Not because I am a child, but because when I blow it, I am so hard on myself that if he doesn't take control of that, I will beat myself to an emotional pulp. And with the way I am wired, if he didn't help cleanse and absolve me of self inflicted punishment - if he merely said "It's okay, learn from it and don't worry about it." I would think he didn't give a shit. Now...to clarify. If I have blatantly disobeyed because I simply felt like doing something different (um, I did that ONCE), I will pay for it, with a severity such that I will remember the next time I get such a notion. If it is a life circumstance issue, then it depends what it is. For example, when my Dad spent a week in the hospital, Master was sure to tell me all assignments were put on hold until further notice. He knew I would have brought my laptop to the hospital and worked through the night, otherwise. You know some of the things going on in my life, True. At times it is overwhelming. At times I have missed assignments as a result. He knows and understands, but in his effort to teach me to rise above my own mood and don't give into my own sadness, he has given me consequences for a missed project. The consequences are much less severe than if I were to blatantly disobey. I recognize this, and it strengthens my bond to him even more, because I can see the difference, and as a result, I feel his love and care for me. quote: And I got to wonder... the sub/slaves... that forget that they are people too. That feel that if they do not do everything totally perfect the first time each and everytime... they deserve to be punished... treated like a child... ridiculed to feel less than who they are. (If this is your kink.. kewl.. this is not about individuals personal kinks). I tend to be a perfectionist with him. I am often harder on myself than he is. He reminds me that he does not expect perfection. Maybe it is my Catholic upbringing, but I do need to pay penance for my errors. He knows this, but adjusts severity according to the circumstance. He always reminds me he does not expect perfection, but he expects my best. I don't think what you describe is so much needing to be treated as a child, as it is needing to be recognized. I was with a Dom once who excused me for every disobedient act, and as a result I felt he didn't care all that much. So I went off and did what I wanted. The relationship was quite unfulfilling and ineffective as a result. quote: Same thing with sub/slaves as with the doms. There's 1 or 2 things as far as flaws goes that can be worked with. But a handful... why bother? I can understand about wanting to learn..explore limits... expand ones experiences.... but when you know... and stand firm... why be pressured? Threated to be punished if you do not let go of your limits? Who you allow your previous boyfriend and or husband to threaten you for refusing the same thing? If so.. why leave them? Just submit to them. I can't speak to this, as this has never applied to me. quote: So the bottom line is.... when does one actually become adults? Sometimes people come on here and act like (according to post) that this is nothing but a game. Not a life. One can live the life they have chosen and make a game out of it at certain times. ( There are places...get togethers... parties....etc...for such times) But according to some...hell...alot of the postings going in lately... the whole thing.. thoughts.. ideas... are nothing but parts of a game. As you know, my servitude to my Master is not a game. Hopefully my replies to you have shed some light on your comments as I see them. As for the rest of your post, all I can say is be true to yourself, and communicate with your Dom. ("you" is universal here). If something he requests feels downright wrong to you, or causes you concern, express such concerns to him/her. A wise Dom will explore such thoughts and concerns, and will lead rather than push.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:13:48 PM)
And yes I realize my recent post is a bit off track to this thread but I wanted to answer those questions that were posed. Pardon the intrusion, all!!!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:19:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie And yes I realize my recent post is a bit off track to this thread but I wanted to answer those questions that were posed. Pardon the intrusion, all!!! You are an interesting person and I am enjoying watching the evolution of your life and relationship.

BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:21:48 PM)
Tosses owned a grannysmith.... leave it up to you to read my post... put it out there in your responses that made it clearer. And as usual... we agree to disagree on few things. I have read your single postings to parts of mine... agree with about all of them.. but the punishment one. Guess it's against my own persona to be punished. Wait... wrong wording... it's against my own persona to be physically punished. Nor mentally. But then that's just me. So some of my wording may of been off... thanks for making it somewhat clearer owned.... but the one thing we agree on... this is not a game...

ownedgirlie -> RE: Question for A/all (6/12/2006 1:27:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross You are an interesting person and I am enjoying watching the evolution of your life and relationship. You sound like my Master now. [;)]

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