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Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 3:40:26 PM   
Josh1991


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/20/2011
Status: offline 		Ok I'm not the newest kid on the block but I don't mountains of experience either in this lifestyle and after alot of trial and error and a few subs inbetween I've figured out that my main problem is approaching subs. Can anyone give me some good ideas on how to approach subs without being overbearing?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 3:41:24 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		How do you approach any women outside of bdsm?

It's the same.


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Everything has changed

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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 3:49:46 PM   
Josh1991


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/20/2011
Status: offline 		True I guess

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 3:50:25 PM   
Biseinen


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		To expand on what I believe littlewonder is aiming at: Before you get into a relationship with someone, you become friends with them, no? In my opinion, at least, successful relationships start as building a friendship, then building a relationship. This is especially true for D/s relationships, as the power exchange requires a significant level of trust in order to be successful and enjoyable for both parties.

Start as friends then go up from there. The advantage of approaching someone you know is a sub is that you at least have a baseline of shared interests to work off of (general kink).

Subs like to be wined and dined just like vanilla girls.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:02:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Josh1991

True I guess



You guess???

Dude, women are women. Bdsm doesn't change the way you speak or engage with them. Don't treat them any differently than you would anyone else. There's no special code or handbook.

If you immediately approach a woman as a "Master", she's gonna look at you and laugh and walk away from you.

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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:05:03 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		Congrats on thinking things through and then asking about it. Kinky stuff is no different than regular life. What would you say to someone at a party? That's what you say here. "Hello, I noticed in your profile that you mention a love of pop music. Who do you listen to? Some of my favorites are....". It's really not rocket science. If anyone jumps into kink immediately and acts inappropriately in a first email I block them immediately and much of the time send a scathing email. In fact, if any woman responded enthusiastically to an attempt at instant Domination by being too overbearing then I'd say they were either men, or scammers. Do the usual man/woman stuff that you always do, the fact that you're on a kinky site makes no difference.

(in reply to Josh1991)
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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:18:09 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Josh1991

True I guess



You guess???

Dude, women are women. Bdsm doesn't change the way you speak or engage with them. Don't treat them any differently than you would anyone else. There's no special code or handbook.

If you immediately approach a woman as a "Master", she's gonna look at you and laugh and walk away from you.


I'll also add that when you approach, you should do so as if you were walking up to her in crowded room. Would you walk up to a stranger in a restaurant and ask details about their sex life?


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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:44:39 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I always figure that since I'm a straight male Dom, if she's a straight female sub, chances are pretty good that we mesh just fine in the bedroom. The question is, will we get along outside of it? So I will chat to get to know her, just like a vanilla. If and only oif we get along well, will I push to the next level.

It doesn't always work. I met a lovely woman at a party, who was intelligent and had a great personality and sense of humor. I checked out her Fet page later and saw needle play, suspension bondage, and being attached to a cross with barbed wire, and sadly realized I was out of my league.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:50:36 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		Meh, I'm too biased to evaluate the OP's profile fairly. Someone else want to give it a go?

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 4:54:56 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Meh, I'm too biased to evaluate the OP's profile fairly. Someone else want to give it a go?


Meh...it's okay. He's 21 and lists himself as a Master, which will raise some eyebrows, along with claims at being an expert at a lot of things. But, it at least mentions life outside of kink, so it's not a bad start.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Baroana)
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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 5:03:11 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		This is something off on a tangent - but - why would a D-type ask other D-types for advice about acquiring a sub? Seems to me that they would run the risk of being given bad advice to keep them out of the pool. Of course, maybe the Collarme people are nicer than that.

I'd be more inclined to ask the targeted audience, since they are the ones who have been at the receiving end of "advances".


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 5:24:31 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Always look at your previous path of success. Not particular details so much, (ok, you have a certain thin in common) but the same methods. Find common ground. Talk to them as a person. An individual.

What ain't broke, don't fix it. When it is broke, find another way.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kiwisub12)
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RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 5:27:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

This is something off on a tangent - but - why would a D-type ask other D-types for advice about acquiring a sub? Seems to me that they would run the risk of being given bad advice to keep them out of the pool. Of course, maybe the Collarme people are nicer than that.

I'd be more inclined to ask the targeted audience, since they are the ones who have been at the receiving end of "advances".



For what it's worth, I do as, those who have success if I have failed and/or am ignorant. It's the old adage of, they have what I want and I want to know the means to get it. They have achieved the goal I have yet to realize. They have advice that actually works. What they know benefits Me.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/7/2012 5:47:10 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

This is something off on a tangent - but - why would a D-type ask other D-types for advice about acquiring a sub? Seems to me that they would run the risk of being given bad advice to keep them out of the pool. Of course, maybe the Collarme people are nicer than that.

I'd be more inclined to ask the targeted audience, since they are the ones who have been at the receiving end of "advances".



For what it's worth, I do as, those who have success if I have failed and/or am ignorant. It's the old adage of, they have what I want and I want to know the means to get it. They have achieved the goal I have yet to realize. They have advice that actually works. What they know benefits Me.



Asking advice is a good way to go, though you received great advice from littlewonder, and I would listen to her, she's wiser than she will admit to... Also LadyPact is correct as well, just be particular about which advice you take and which you leave. Does the person you are asking for advice have a similar result that you are looking for?

As for giving "bad advice" because of competition... meh. If I am so fucking insecure that I am going to give a 21 year old asking advice bad advice because I am skeered of the competition, then perhaps I should just give up on any of this shit and court my right hand instead. I sincerely fucking doubt he and I are in the same "pool" any-fucking-way. Though your advice of asking subs what they are looking for is not bad, I believe there have been a few of those...

Back to the OP. First, quit worrying about approaching sub, hell, there are always women, just as there are always men... first, find out who you are, now that you are confident in who you are and what you are looking for, then begin to interact... but vanilla or kink, potential "partners" fucking smell desperation... calm down, you're 21 and I know six months can seem like six years or whatever, but slow down, become confident, know what you are looking for be it play or relationship and go forth and fucking meet people. In person is always my first advice, but online is good too... and talk, continue to ask questions and for Christ's sake, don't pretend you are something you aren't or know something you don't... nobody worth a shit will be impressed.

Shrug, fuck if I know, I ain't a master...

< Message edited by CRYPTICLXVI -- 9/7/2012 5:51:59 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need help approaching submissives - 9/8/2012 2:44:29 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Good advice here, and I'm a bit shocked by
Cryptic's post! It's the first I've seen where
your not snarking and stuff mate, good job.

Maybe this mystery person you wern't
looking for has mellowed you out...

My advice had already been said but to
summarise:

-I don't think Dom's here will sabotage
you with bad advice, all advice here is open
to peer scrutiny anyway.

-I'd recommend not bringing to much D/s
into a new relationship until you have
settled in a bit and gotten to know each
other a bit.

-approaching a sub... The thing I'd do is
just treat them as a normal girl from the
club or something, and with the D/s... It's
like any interest, say she likes camping
and you do as well, even though she likes
it, she may be hesitant to go out into the
middle of the forest with someone she's
not sure about yet.
You might be a weirdo or an axe murderer
for all she knows.

Umm lastly and this is by no means a
commonly held belief. (just a personal
thing) I see myself as a part time Dom,
because I switch from D/s relationships to
relatively normal ones.(sometimes with
the same partner) But how I view the term
"Master" when applied to me is, I would
have to:
(1) consider my partner a Slave, which is
a lot more work in my book.
(2) Have a much stricter and more
demanding dynamic, which for me might
be in the cards one day if I find the right
person, but it would take time (years)
with them to develop both myself them
(and the relationship) to that point.

Again that's just my personal way of
looking at it so a word to the wise...
Theres some controversy with the term
Master, especially when a young guy uses
it, and you will flat out come up against
sarcasm and scorn if you say something
like "I'm a new to the lifestyle but I'm a
natural Master."

-Aries

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 9/8/2012 2:48:50 AM >

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(in reply to CRYPTICLXVI)
Profile   Post #: 15
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