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new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 6:38:30 AM

smithington

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/8/2012
Status: offline

You probbly have done thins however I cant seem to find what i am looking for. My wife of 13 years and I are taking the D/s path and are intrested in it. Is there any resource i can look up to rely understand my role as the Dom. I dont know where to go. What kind of things am i supposed to do. I dont want to control her every move. i dont want to hurt her. i dont want to be mean. We have talked but not what she expects of me. What do i expect from her. Thank you for your time and help.

Post #: 1

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 6:54:24 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

munches, events, books. some of that will be along here.

And you know what? While we are at it, I haven't talked to your wife either to get an understanding of what she expects.

So, its kinda like a girl winking at you in the dark ain't it? She knows what shes thinking.......

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Post #: 2

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 6:57:38 AM

Whenready

Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline

Hi and welcome.

The good (or bad) news is that there's no one "right" way to "do" D/s. The "right" way is whatever works for the two of you. I suggest read the forums here - all of the sections. Some you'll think "ewww...." others "hmm just maybe....". If you browse, a number of threads reference a reading list - that's worth a look too. Talk to people, and listen. You'll get lots of advice - including mine - but YOU are the experts on what works for you. If the advice doesn't sound right, discard it, politely. Browse a range of sites, and, if there's a munch near you, think about going to it so you can explore and learn face to face. If that doesnt appeal then no worries.

There's a lot of good advice here; there are some crackpots too.

Welcome!

(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 3

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 7:37:40 AM

smithington

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Joined: 9/8/2012
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she says she wants me more confident. i am a planner. but i am a procrastinator. thats one thing i need to loose. im not a hot head if someone suggests someting i dont like im not gonna be a jerk.

(in reply to Whenready)

Post #: 4

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 8:02:36 AM

kalikshama

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Read the book descriptions and buy the ones that appeal to you. I suggest starting with the non-fiction.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

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(in reply to smithington)

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RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 8:50:44 AM

OsideGirl

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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I agree with the above. The books are a great place to start. Also, find some discussion groups in your area.

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Post #: 6

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 9:31:46 AM

Endivius

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Joined: 8/22/2011
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The loving dominant, hands down start there. When someone you love is kinky is another good one.

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Post #: 7

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 10:41:12 AM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
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OP, you'll get far just communicating with your wife. How about each doing a BDSM interest check list and then comparing them and discussing the areas you both check off? Honestly, just hashing out together where you'd like things to go will help immensely. I have found the boards here to be very helpful as far as reading material, you can do a search for any topic you want more info on. The books the others suggested are great, and look for a munch or other gathering in your area. Good luck with things!

(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 8

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 11:24:01 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

You're either dominant or not. There is no rule book. There is no must do or should have or any other protocols, rules or etiquette. You simply do what you both want to do. Do you want dinner made every night at 5? Tell her. You need something done and you don't have the time? Make her do it. You make your own rules and protocols to what you both feel comfortable with.

Now if you're talking about just kinky sex in the bedroom, well there are lots of things to read and lots of sex toys out there if that's what you both are interested in.

But again, it all boils down to the same thing....do what you both enjoy and forget the rest.

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Post #: 9

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 11:26:39 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smithington

she says she wants me more confident. i am a planner. but i am a procrastinator. thats one thing i need to loose. im not a hot head if someone suggests someting i dont like im not gonna be a jerk.

If you want her to take you seriously, lose the procrastination. There's nothing worse than a dom who procrastinates and is not confident. To find the confidence however is going to take a lot of hard word on your part. Otherwise you're just pretending. Confidence is not something you just automatically gain. It's something that can take years of therapy depending on the what's and whys you are that way.

Oh, one last question....did she just finish reading 50 Shades of Grey?

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/8/2012 11:27:23 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 11:49:03 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smithington

You probably have done this, however I cant seem to find what i am looking for. My wife of 13 years and I are taking the D/s path and are interested in it. Is there any resource i can look up to realy understand my role as the Dom. I don't know where to go.

You have been given some good reading advice in this thread, Smithington. When you're a little more up to speed with things, it's possible you might find the articles on Humbled Females worth a gander. I realize many of the subjects there lean more toward master-slave, but not all of it does.

All that said, all the reading in the world won't help much if the interest and mettle for dominance does not prevail within you.

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(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 11

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 12:01:00 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Thank you, lw, for asking what was in My head.

OP, there's something about your post that screams "I'm doing this for her." Either that, or she is thinking this is going to fix you (i.e., the procrastination) or your marriage.

People who are Dominant, within themselves, don't come here asking how to be Dominant. We're leader types. We know what we want. Sometimes, people come here asking how to get it, but that's different than wondering about the role.

If I'm wrong, (and I hope I am) you can start by using that link that kalikshama provided. I happen to agree with the two recommendations that Endivius provided. I would also strongly suggest getting out to your local community to see how other D/s dynamics work in person. You're going to find that there isn't a rule book and the real goal here is to find what works for you.

If I'm right (and I hope I'm not) please take this in the spirit that is intend. D/s isn't going to fix something that's broken. (For what it's worth, neither does becoming poly, which is another subject.) If you've got problems in your marriage or in your bedroom, or even if your wife is just having problems with you, becoming D/s isn't going to solve those core issues. The D/s might work as a band-aid for a while, but they'll be back.

Man, I hope I'm wrong.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 12:15:56 PM

vincentML

Posts: 9980
Joined: 10/31/2009
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quote:

OP, there's something about your post that screams "I'm doing this for her." Either that, or she is thinking this is going to fix you (i.e., the procrastination) or your marriage.

People who are Dominant, within themselves, don't come here asking how to be Dominant. We're leader types. We know what we want. Sometimes, people come here asking how to get it, but that's different than wondering about the role.

I agree, LP. I hope not to be indelicate but if he has to ask he isn't feeling it.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 12:45:07 PM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

i think she has probably just read the 50 shades malarky.

either you do it because it's what is natural to you, or you don't. you can't be something for her just because she says so. if it's all about you wasting time then pack it in and be more productive. if you don't know what to do then i should think you need to talk to her more. if you do this only for her then eventually you'll end up resenting her.

final tip; stay away from the 50 shades of shyte.

good luck.

needles

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Post #: 14

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 1:13:55 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Maybe it would be enough for his wife if he did some things as a Dominant in the bedroom. Maybe that's all she wants. I'm not thinking they should toss out the idea of D/s before they get started, it's all about fitting it to the specific couples' needs - maybe her expectations aren't that high. No way to tell unless they try it out.

OP, get a book or two and try to hit a meeting somewhere, give it a shot.

(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 15

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/8/2012 2:15:08 PM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
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You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.

Would you up your procrastinating game and front a little believable authority to get the best sex on earth?

That's the real question here.

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Post #: 16

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/9/2012 6:55:52 AM

smithington

Posts: 3
Joined: 9/8/2012
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no we have heard alot about that book but havent got it.

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 17

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/9/2012 9:40:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

So you promise to do things and then don't. You may view this as procrastination but she's viewing it as you lying. You either are someone who keeps his word or you're an untrustworthy, lying bastard she can't depend on.

In her view, you're just one more kid she needs to keep in line. And it's unfair to turn her into your mother. It's killing your sex life, and is causing her to build up resentment.

I do suggest you see a psychologist and be tested. The procrastination can come from a myriad of things and in order to fix it, you need to solve it first.

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(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 18

RE: new dont know where to go - 9/9/2012 11:10:38 AM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: smithington

You probbly have done thins however I cant seem to find what i am looking for. My wife of 13 years and I are taking the D/s path and are intrested in it. Is there any resource i can look up to rely understand my role as the Dom. I dont know where to go. What kind of things am i supposed to do. I dont want to control her every move. i dont want to hurt her. i dont want to be mean. We have talked but not what she expects of me. What do i expect from her. Thank you for your time and help.

(Wondering if this was written by Ricky Ricardo).

(in reply to smithington)

Post #: 19

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