Dealing with disappointment (Full Version)

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samdarella -> Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:06:01 PM)

Master's birthday was Friday. I took friday and Saturday off work to celebrate. With His permission I had planned days of fun and frolic. We were especially looking forward to some heavy bdsm play. His ex-wife that is also His best friend has been camping at His house until she gets everything arranged to move back up north. She is a sweetheart and I love her. But she is also a little squeamish about anything much more than a spanking. So in consideration (Yes ResidentSadist is considerate. My ass might be in trouble for letting that be known), He hasn't been putting me on the cross, etc. We were going to spend this week at my house where anything goes. But damn the luck, Master was very sick with a flu. He tried the "strong like a bull" attitude but the flu bug or whatever it was just kicked His butt. He was feeling somewhat better Friday, or maybe He was just heavily medicated. We went for some great Greek food and then to the comedy club. But Saturday he felt like crap again so we didn't make it to the dungeon. I was His pillow and footstool for the night. So I was happy to be serving Him in the way that He needed. I wouldn't trade my time with Him for anything no matter what. But I did feel a bit disappointed. I know this is life in the real world. But I really hoped that I wouldn't even feel any disappointment. I am not letting this emotion rule me in any way. But I feel it.

So for my question. As a slave, do you feel disappointed sometimes? Do you acknowledge it? As a master, do You think that a slave feeling disappointed means they are not focused enough on Your needs?

I know every relationship is different and the only one that matters is ours blah blah blah. But since I am new to the M/s lifestyle I am interested in others thoughts and how they deal with real life. Thanks for any insights.



Baroana -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:09:28 PM)

He was sick on his birthday, and you're making this about you?



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:13:23 PM)

Pretty much what I was thinking, Baroana. And knowing Kalon, he's gonna make it up in spades...



angelikaJ -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:20:49 PM)

There is a big difference between feeling disappointed that things did not go the way one wished and having to maybe postpone things due to illness or "real life" interruptions and dwelling on it.

You didn't ask but hon, I think you are dwelling.

I have felt disappointed before but mostly ahem- (when I am not dwelling) it goes like this:
1) Something I had hoped for didn't happen and I feel disappointed.
2) I acknowledge the feeling.
3) I move on to plan B.

The birthday was a couple of days ago and you are bringing it up now.
Either you didn't do 2, 3 or both... .

It helps if you can just connect with what is happening now instead of focusing on the fantasy of what was supposed to happen.

Real life always trumps fantasy.

Sometimes I think we want perfect, not realising that "perfect" doesn't exist and it causes a lot of sorrow by creating false expectations.

Real is messy, inconvenient and more than sometimes hard.

I love real.

Edit to add:
But I really hoped that I wouldn't even feel any disappointment. I am not letting this emotion rule me in any way. But I feel it.

You are human.
We (humans) have feelings.

Only you know whether you were dwelling on it or not or if you were feeling insecure because you were experiencing the feeling of disappointment and second guessing if it was okay or not.



BambiBoi -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:47:01 PM)

In an awkward coincidence I've just started a very similar thread, though mine was in contemplation of rape fantasy threads that I've been lurking over.

I have felt disappointment many times as a submissive. A time or two it was my fault (once I drank too much to be a good submissive) but it seems you're more interested in times when aspects outside of my control affected the scenario. This list includes uninvited guests, automotive surprises, "not int the mood", spending all day on boring vanilla errands, and inability to perform sexually. All of these left me feeling slightly disheartened, I think that would be natural. As you, Sam, point out, not letting it rule you is key. When I'm faced with these challenges I re-up my role as a submissive. I take solace knowing I did the very best that could be expected from me under the circumstances AND I didn't make it worse by whining.

As you know, sometimes submission is blindfolds and violet wands. Other times its pharmacy runs.

Lady Hibiscus and Baroana are right... But I find the taste "making this all about you" leaves in my mouth disagreeable. Firstly, I give you the benefit of the doubt that just because you're writing this from a "what about my feelings?" position that you still care and sympathize for his. Secondly, I want to congratulate you for being a trooper. From your accounts, it seems like this was a difficult weekend to maintain proper M/s composure and you did it well. Thirdly, I will answer what you've actually asked.

As a slave, do you feel disappointed sometimes? Do you acknowledge it? As a master, do You think that a slave feeling disappointed means they are not focused enough on Your needs? Yes, yes/no, and yes/no/maybe/ummmm/actually yes.

Yes I sometimes feel disappointed. Yes I acknowledge it, at the right time and place and in the right manner. The right time is not when he is sick and unable to do something about it. The right time and place is when you are encouraged to speak your mind during aftercare. The right manner is to say you enjoyed being of domestic service while he was ill, but it made you realize how much you crave him physically. (This turns a potentially whining situation into a compliment. I don't find the practice dishonest, but I guess some might.)

As for the third, I care about my bottom's state of mind. I care that they are happy and fulfilled. But what really bothers me is when a small failure (I'm reminded of a girly who threw up during oral sex) ruins an evening. I get it - things didn't pan out as you wanted. But as a top/dominant I have no use for someone paralyzed by fear of failure or disappointment.

In closing, I'm sure he gets it. We've all been pack leader of something in our lives at some point. When we fail the team we know it. We don't need reminders about it.



slaveluci -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 5:55:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: samdarella

...So I was happy to be serving Him in the way that He needed. I wouldn't trade my time with Him for anything no matter what. But I did feel a bit disappointed. I know this is life in the real world. But I really hoped that I wouldn't even feel any disappointment. I am not letting this emotion rule me in any way. But I feel it.

So for my question. As a slave, do you feel disappointed sometimes? Do you acknowledge it? As a master, do You think that a slave feeling disappointed means they are not focused enough on Your needs?

I know every relationship is different and the only one that matters is ours blah blah blah. But since I am new to the M/s lifestyle I am interested in others thoughts and how they deal with real life. Thanks for any insights.

Because of what you wrote that I highlighted in red above, it didn't seem to me that you were in any way being selfish and making it all about you. You obviously care for him and don't want him to be sick but, damnit, you're human and were looking forward to what you had planned to share. I would think anyone who had been anticipating something together like that would indeed feel disappointment. You simply admitted it and asked if anyone would feel the same way. The answer is yes. I sure would. I would hate it that Master was sick and would take care of him with love and gentleness but I would still feel disappointment. Master wouldn't think that made me selfish or wrong. He would appreciate that I had looked forward to the time with Him so much that I was disappointed when it had to be postponed. Simple as that. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking you are wrong or selfish for how you feel. Take care of him and hopefully you'll get to have your fun together when he's all better.

luci



littlewonder -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 6:04:47 PM)

As a human, absolutely all the time, especially the last 2 weeks. My life has been one disappointment after another. Now as for being a slave, yes there have been times. With the ex Dom it was that he would say things and just forget or just didn't want to do anything with me. With Master I think the only time I've been disappointed was when I couldn't spend time with him because something arose that he couldn't get out of. But you just gotta learn to shrug it off. As for playing, not really. Things come up, one gets ill, etc...I just figure we'll do it another time.



DarkSteven -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 6:10:31 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: samdarella

So for my question. As a slave, do you feel disappointed sometimes? Do you acknowledge it? As a master, do You think that a slave feeling disappointed means they are not focused enough on Your needs?



You're human. You will feel all sorts of things.

Let it pass. You served him as best you could. had he not been sick, he would have demanded more of you.



lizi -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 6:11:40 PM)

Yes, subs/slaves get disappointed. I deal with it like any other disappointment and try to move on. Time passing makes it not as sharp. Of course you're human and we all feel things, does being a slave mean that you are beyond human emotions? Like a cyborg or something? It's natural to feel things no matter what your sexual orientation is. When I broke my arms I sobbed in the emergency room because my Dominant and i would have to cancel a trip I was dearly looking forward to...how silly is that. But I was disappointed right then that we couldn't go. I can tell you that it ripped him up to see me aching over the loss of it, and if I could have stuffed those emotions away somewhere I'd have done it, but I couldn't. I didn't view myself as a failure for it, neither did he. He felt badly and I wish I'd not dumped that on him along with the fact that he'd have to deal with my broken arms, but oh well. Shit happens.

I sure wish I wouldn't be worried, jealous, insecure, sad, etc but I'm a human being and I feel those things no matter how much I wish I didn't. He deals with it, just like I deal with him being an ass at times.

The guy tried his best for you, how wonderful is that?



Winterapple -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 6:23:18 PM)

No human being is immune to feeling
disappointment or any other emotion.
Feelings are feelings and in of themselves
are neither right or wrong they just are.
It's how you handle your emotions and
how you let them effect your life and
relationships.

In a situation like what happened you
switch gears and do what the situation
required. This is true of a slave or anyone
in a healthy loving relationship.

There are times you are going to feel
anger, irritation, anxiety, frustration,
jealousy, apathy and any number of
unpleasant emotions. Emotions come
with being human. Being a slave
doesn't mean you're a pod person.

If someones reaction to disappointment
is sulking or whining or pitching a
tantrum that's different. A healthy
adult learns to process emotions in
a healthy way. But feeling disappointed
or any emotion doesn't mean you
aren't a "real" slave it just means
you're human not a blow up doll.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 6:36:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
He was sick on his birthday, and you're making this about you?


Ditto.



graceadieu -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 7:36:06 PM)

I think feeling disappointment when you don't get something you really wanted and thought was going happen is a natural human response. I doubt that there's anybody out there (outside of maybe a religious monastic) who's cultivated so much equanimity that they never feel disappointed.

I think the real question is whether you hang on to the disappointment and let it fester into resentment.



samdarella -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 7:54:36 PM)

LadyHibiscus.... There is nothing for Master to make up for. He was sick which is out of His control. And you do know Him. Even though He was sick I still got my morning spankings. One day it was a token, but He still did it bc He is a Master that always takes care of His girl.

There will be other times to do what was planned. Rereading the post I can see how someone might see it as me being a selfish little brat. But I didn't pout or sulk. I did my best to make Master comfortable and well. The reason I asked my question today is not that I am still harboring hurt feelings. It's my first chance to come to the forums while I'm at work. When I was home I spent the time attending to Him. Although my disappointment was mostly because i couldnt give Him a great birthday, maybe I felt a little selfish and don't like it one bit.

I could have asked to go to the dungeon alone to see some friends I knew were going to be there. I'd be willin to bet permission would have been given. But my place is with Master especially when He is sick.

Thank you all for the responses.

PS. Master is feeling much better today.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 8:06:29 PM)

I'm glad he's feeling better!



Alecta -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/9/2012 8:22:44 PM)

I read your question to be "I didn't want to feel disappointed, but I did. Is this wrong? What should I do?"

Feelings are feelings, we feel what we feel regardless of whether it is right or wrong or true. What matters is what you do about it. So no, it's not wrong or wicked for you to still feel the disappointment, though you already know it wasn't appropriate for you to feel that way; but since you behaved correctly as a good loving sub rather than a disappointed brat, you shouldn't let the fact that you felt disappointed make you feel guilty.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/10/2012 4:01:47 PM)

OP = since you are still a human being, you will feel disappointed. That doesn't make you a bad slave/submissive - or even a bad human being. It just makes you human.

I have feelings with my sweetie - and as long as i keep perspective, thats fine. Sounds to me that you have great perspective so go easy on yourself for Petes sake.

now, if you had pouted, sulked, whined and generally acted like a spoiled brat, THEN you would get "the lecture". [:D]



JanahX -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/10/2012 4:11:47 PM)

quote:

So for my question. As a slave, do you feel disappointed sometimes? Do you acknowledge it? As a master, do You think that a slave feeling disappointed means they are not focused enough on Your needs?

I know every relationship is different and the only one that matters is ours blah blah blah. But since I am new to the M/s lifestyle I am interested in others thoughts and how they deal with real life. Thanks for any insights


Since we are all human beings, = butcher, baker, candlestick maker - Master, slave, sub, Dom(me) - WE ALL feel disappointment when things dont go our way. And yes, everyone at some level acknowledges it - whether you keep it to yourself or not is an individual choice.

Focusing on someone needs has nothing to do with how someone is feeling on the inside.



NuevaVida -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/10/2012 5:24:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana
He was sick on his birthday, and you're making this about you?


Ditto.

His ex wife is living with him and he alters what he does in his current relationship for the ex wife's benefit.

If this were anyone other than Resident Sadist I can guarantee the majority of the responses to the OP would have something to say about that. I think she definitely is NOT making this about her, given those circumstances, and, in fact, she is highly more accepting than I am.

As for disappointment, hell yes I get disappointed. I get disappointed when his daughter's needs impact our plans. I don't react to the disappointment - I know her needs come first. But yes, as a *person* I'm disappointed when plans I've been looking forward to don't come to pass. Personally I think that's a rather normal human reaction to fun plans falling through.

So yes, I get disappointed. And yes I acknowledge it. And then we move on from it. It has nothing to do with where my focus is. It has to do with me being aware of my feelings and why I'm feeling them. And he kinda likes that in his girl.



littlewonder -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/10/2012 7:25:35 PM)

I was thinking about this topic and I think for me, I've become so used to disappointment in my life that it really doesn't bother me much anymore. These days I tend to look at how important the situation was or why we had to change plans or how long we had planned for it.

I think the more disappointed you have been overall in your life, the more it doesn't bother you and you just learn to shrug it off since nothing can be done about it anyway.



DesFIP -> RE: Dealing with disappointment (9/11/2012 1:05:38 PM)

Feelings aren't facts. With that said, yes it's natural to be disappointed after the big build up. On both your parts.

How we handle it here is to acknowledge how we feel. "Damn, I was really looking forward to playing this week" which usually gets the other person to say "Me too."

I'm sure he was looking forward to play time also and is equally disappointed it couldn't happen. So share how you feel and then go make him another cup of tea. Life, it's what happens when you make plans.



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