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DNAHelicase -> RE: Feeling Inadequte Due to Safety? (9/13/2012 10:32:32 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BambiBoi
There have been scenes where I, as a top, I did not feel comfortable continuing. I err on the side of caution and follow my gut. Deep down, I knew the sub could handle a smaller cage, or harder strikes, or less air, or a bigger toy. I stopped because I was not comfortable administering "more" despite cries begging for it.
Afterwards I felt inadequate, like I've spoiled their magic and could not please them in the way they want.I'm not terribly interested in "dominance is all about what you want, so tough cookies for subs" answers. I care deeply about my submisive's enjoyment during play (see profile about how Lil Bamboo is now a service top).
For tops and dominants: Do you ever feel guilty about putting a cap on sub frenzy? Do you ever indulge a little more than you'd like to to facilitate sub frenzy?
For bottoms and submissives: Do you ever feel disappointed when you wanted more but the other side had to be "the responsible" one? If you were disappointed, did it have a lasting effect? Have you ever considered "this person is not extreme enough for me, I should leave?"
We all trade off some safety for enjoyment. We all measure the balance differently. Some think the rush of blindfolded exhibitionist promiscuity is a fantastic Wednesday night. Others think "that's a great way to get syphilis and get arrested." For those willing to throw more caution to the wind, what do you think of soft little teddy bears like me?
I'm a sadomasochistic dominant, so my perspective might be a bit different from some of the others. (I read some but not all of the replies.) I like to play hard though I don't consider myself extreme.
As a dominant/top, I can't recall ever feeling guilty, per se. When I started topping, I sometimes wondered if I was any good, but I pretty quickly got over that and learned to enjoy myself. I don't approach it from a service top perspective, though, so I imagine that my experience and your experience might be different, since we presumably have different goals (pleasing others versus pleasing one's own sadistic desires). That said, as deep as my sadism runs I DO try to make sure my subs or bottoms enjoy (most of) what I do. I don't like scening with people who stand there with gritted teeth, counting down the minutes until it's over. As many of the other posters I did read pointed out, the top has to be the responsible one. I don't feel bad if I cut a scene short or don't take somebody as far as he or she wants to go because it makes ME uncomfortable. I'm in charge of the scene which means I'm in charge of the decisions and everybody's safety including my own.
As a bottom, I scene once every few months, but when I get that urge I want a seriously heavy beating over large parts of my body and often some edgy things that have great capacity to go wrong, such as non-choking breath play. I'm extremely picky about the people who are allowed to top me. I know I like to go far as a bottom, so I have to trust that the top will not go further than my body can handle. There have certainly been times that I would have liked to be beaten harder. I like to feel like my bones are going to break. I like to feel like an anvil is landing on my back or thighs or abdomen when I'm being flogged or paddled or caned. I like for my body to start thrashing involuntarily and that little fish-out-of-water part of my brain to start screaming in alarm because I haven't been able to breathe for so long. I like to be strung up with ropes and chains and bars and twine in ways that make parts of my body turn purple and leave deep bruises in my flesh where the restraints dug against me. If things went as far as I want them to, there would certainly be a capacity for serious damage. So if the tops who know me and know themselves don't push me as hard as I like, I trust they have good reason not to go there and I honestly don't feel disappointed after the fact. Even during the scene, I'm usually getting such rough treatment that my brain is pretty addled trying to keep up with the sensations, and it's difficult for me to even verbalize a safeword when needed, much less anything as coherent as asking for (or even thinking that I want) more of a particular treatment.
However, I have certainly scened with people who were not extreme enough for me. And I did leave them behind pretty quickly. That was mostly when I was a rather stupid and indiscriminate newbie who didn't know what she wanted or liked yet, though. Now if I approach somebody at all, I have a pretty good idea of what that person is like when scening either through many direct observations or a lot of talking with that person and people who know him or her very well. Again, if somebody decides that you, BambiBoi, are not extreme enough for him or her, it's ok. You're just not well suited but don't take it personally. Some people just don't work well together as tops and bottoms, just as with all other aspects of human relationships. That doesn't mean that you won't be the perfect top for somebody else.
I think, based on my experiences when I was a fledgling top, if you ask the people you scene with what they thought about a scene in which you didn't take them as far as you could have, you'll probably find that almost all of them found the scene fulfilling. I doubt most of them will even remember asking for more of a particular something during the scene, unless it was something that is a major like to that person or s/he asked repeatedly for it. And if that's the case--somebody repeatedly wants a particular kink fulfilled to a degree you don't comfortable with--you're probably not the best suited partners in the world, and that's ok. If you have fun doing other things then great, but if you don't that's ok, too. You both move on and find people who are better suited if that something is a sticking point for either one of you.
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