Need Advice

Need Advice (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

NewtoSub12345 -> Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:04:26 PM)
I have read that dom's want to train there new subs. How do I find a dominant?

FrankAr -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:12:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewtoSub12345 Hello. I am new to the submissive lifestyle. I have met a daddy dom, however he was only looking for someone for him and his girlfriend. I told him I was not interested, asked to mentor me and stopped talking to him. Recently he called again and wanted to meet. Nothing was discussed and we did meet. I did have a wonderful / exciting time. I am not sure were to go from here. I have read that dom's want to train there new subs. Do I need to find my own dom or let him mentor me? How do I find a dominant? A major question....Did he talk about the girlfriend ? Is she still in the picture and did you talk with her about meeting him ? I mean the bloke could have said that he has left the girlfriend and really behind her back met up with you. Leave him totally, because if he just dumps the girlfriend for some new flesh, you just have to wonder how long YOU might last before he finds new flesh.

OsideGirl -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:13:43 PM)
In my view, mentors do not engage in play or sex with their mentorees. Why would you meet with someone who has an expectation of poly, if you're not interested? Training is for the most part a bull shit term. Its an euphemism for "tie you up, beat you and fuck you". The only person that you need to provide training is the person you eventually end up in a relationship with. Personally, I would walk away from this guy. It seems like he doesn't respect boundaries and that's not a good trait in a Dominant . There are plenty of men that will be on the same page as you. I would suggest getting out to some of your local events and finding a female submissive to be your mentor.

NewtoSub12345 -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:18:32 PM)
His girlfriend lives hours away. He was interested in finding another female sub to add to there relationship. I asked if he had seen her lately. He told me no. I am new to this and I wanted to talk to others that would know.

angelikaJ -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:21:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewtoSub12345 Hello. I am new to the submissive lifestyle. I have met a daddy dom, however he was only looking for someone for him and his girlfriend. I told him I was not interested, asked to mentor me and stopped talking to him. Recently he called again and wanted to meet. Nothing was discussed and we did meet. I did have a wonderful / exciting time. I am not sure were to go from here. I have read that dom's want to train there new subs. Do I need to find my own dom or let him mentor me? How do I find a dominant? First you need to decide for yourself what is/is not acceptable. Do you want to be a third? There is nothing wrong with being in a poly relationship but those things are never instantaneous. If you want someone that you don't have to share then he probably isn't the right master for you. It sounds like you chose to play on the first meet. There is nothing wrong with that but sometimes it indicates you are giving your trust easily and that can put you in a position of being taken for granted if you aren't careful.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:21:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewtoSub12345 His girlfriend lives hours away. He was interested in finding another female sub to add to there relationship. I asked if he had seen her lately. He told me no. I am new to this and I wanted to talk to others that would know. Take every aspect of BDSM out of the equation. Would you accept that line from any man you were dating? If you're okay with being with a cheat, and knowing that you're an extra accessory, great. Otherwise, leave. BDSM and d/s relationships are RELATIONSHIPS. There are no special rules except the ones you agree on.

OsideGirl -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:22:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewtoSub12345 His girlfriend lives hours away. He was interested in finding another female sub to add to there relationship. I asked if he had seen her lately. He told me no. I am new to this and I wanted to talk to others that would know. Which means nothing. He's poly, you said you're not interested and then met him (and apparently played and had sex) anyway. You need to sit down and figure out your boundaries and be firm about them, or you're going to be taken advantage of constantly. Which is why I recommend finding a female submissive who is local to you to be your mentor.

JanahX -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:24:00 PM)
What do you need training in?

OsideGirl -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:25:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JanahX What do you need training in? I keep telling you....Cordon Bleu... [;)]

lizi -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:28:26 PM)
You don't need to do anything with anyone that you don't want to. What are you doing having sex with him when you said you weren't interested in poly and you know he's got a girlfriend? So you fucked him knowing that you're not interested in his situation. I don't get it. Who cares if he's seen her lately or not, or how far away she lives...? If he's attached then you're going to have to deal with the gf's existence at some point. He wants to add fun to his relationship...is this what YOU want? I mean are you implying somehow that you met someone and because he calls himself a Dominant you now have to do anything he says? I really hope that's not what you're thinking here, because that's a load of hogwash. The submissive lifestyle has nothing to do with anything, figure out what you want in a relationship and go get it. Don't take anyone that isn't what you want. Dominants and submissives are just people, they don't have a script to follow. If he tries to give you a line about how things are done, it's a crock. Things are done however the two people doing them decide.

NewtoSub12345 -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:32:32 PM)
Thank You all for the wonderful advice!!I think I knew the answer just wanted to hear someone else say it.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:36:55 PM)
We have no trouble saying it. :)

lizi -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 4:51:10 PM)
Well, you can find a Dominant by looking through the profiles for someone near you. If it were me, I'd not want anyone long distance. Pay attention to how they treat you from the start, if they expect you to immediately call them Sir and act like you are submissive to them right off the bat, then that is pretty silly. You have to get to know someone in order to decide if you want a relationship with them or not and until the two of you decide that you want to do that, then you're just looking for people to date like any other situation. Approach this just the same as a date. If you don't have sex on a first date then don't do it now. If you don't want to date anyone with a girlfriend, then dont do it now. If you don't like being spanked and your date wants to spank you, don't spend any time with him. Calling yourself submissive doesn't mean you are at the beck and call of any man who wants to get into your pants. Be selective. I met my Dominant here and have been with him for 3 1/2 years. We started off just talking like regular old people and got to know each other. We went on a date to meet each other to a basketball game. We had dinner after. We had our first kiss and said goodbye after dinner. This isn't rocket science, you know how to find a Dominant, just the same as you find a man you want to date [:)]

Alecta -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 5:28:09 PM)
I always find myself snarling when "mentoring" comes up. It doesn't help that every time I've seen it practised IRL it has been code for NSA play or another stupid excuse to cheat on one's partner/s. I get it, a mentor is there to help you figure out about the lifestyle and answer most of the newb questions and help you get in the door. The concept is sound, but for it to be successful, Your mentor should be of a similar orientation as you. Your mentor should never lay a hand on you sexually. Your mentor should never be in a D/s role with you. Your mentor should never be engaged in mentoring you behind his/her partner/s backs or against his/her partner/s consent. Your mentor should not have any expectations of a further relationship with you. If you're going to get yourself a mentor, remember always that s/he is not your Dom/me and is only supposed to help you as YOU request.

kalikshama -> RE: Need Advice (9/13/2012 5:48:42 PM)
Lot's of good advice on this thread. My favs: quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl In my view, mentors do not engage in play or sex with their mentorees. Why would you meet with someone who has an expectation of poly, if you're not interested? Training is for the most part a bull shit term. Its an euphemism for "tie you up, beat you and fuck you". The only person that you need to provide training is the person you eventually end up in a relationship with. Personally, I would walk away from this guy. It seems like he doesn't respect boundaries and that's not a good trait in a Dominant . There are plenty of men that will be on the same page as you. I would suggest getting out to some of your local events and finding a female submissive to be your mentor. quote: ORIGINAL: lizi Well, you can find a Dominant by looking through the profiles for someone near you. If it were me, I'd not want anyone long distance. Pay attention to how they treat you from the start, if they expect you to immediately call them Sir and act like you are submissive to them right off the bat, then that is pretty silly. You have to get to know someone in order to decide if you want a relationship with them or not and until the two of you decide that you want to do that, then you're just looking for people to date like any other situation. Approach this just the same as a date. If you don't have sex on a first date then don't do it now. If you don't want to date anyone with a girlfriend, then dont do it now. If you don't like being spanked and your date wants to spank you, don't spend any time with him. Calling yourself submissive doesn't mean you are at the beck and call of any man who wants to get into your pants. Be selective.

Alltiedup57 -> RE: Need Advice (9/14/2012 8:49:10 AM)
My ex still lives at my home. But is waiting for housing authority to call him. In the meantime he has been talking to another female not far from here. An though I don't care she has no idea what she's in for. He isn't creative n we have had major problems w the lifestyle. Problem for me is he acts one way when talking to her... N not completely honest either, n another wat around me though we go back 8 yrs. There's no where for him to move n afford it , n I am going crazy!! Also , I have had a slave contact me as if he were a Dom , is that normal???

lizi -> RE: Need Advice (9/14/2012 9:44:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alltiedup57 My ex still lives at my home. But is waiting for housing authority to call him. In the meantime he has been talking to another female not far from here. An though I don't care she has no idea what she's in for. He isn't creative n we have had major problems w the lifestyle. Problem for me is he acts one way when talking to her... N not completely honest either, n another wat around me though we go back 8 yrs. There's no where for him to move n afford it , n I am going crazy!! Also , I have had a slave contact me as if he were a Dom , is that normal??? This thread is titled "Need advice", but the replies are supposed to specific to the original questions that were asked. If you have something new to talk about, it would be best if you started a new thread since replying to your different questions would take this thread off of its topic. This has been explained to you before, and you might get some more answers to your questions in the end.

culareD -> RE: Need Advice (9/14/2012 12:42:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alecta I always find myself snarling when "mentoring" comes up. It doesn't help that every time I've seen it practised IRL it has been code for NSA play or another stupid excuse to cheat on one's partner/s. I get it, a mentor is there to help you figure out about the lifestyle and answer most of the newb questions and help you get in the door. The concept is sound, but for it to be successful, Your mentor should be of a similar orientation as you. Your mentor should never lay a hand on you sexually. Your mentor should never be in a D/s role with you. Your mentor should never be engaged in mentoring you behind his/her partner/s backs or against his/her partner/s consent. Your mentor should not have any expectations of a further relationship with you. If you're going to get yourself a mentor, remember always that s/he is not your Dom/me and is only supposed to help you as YOU request. OP ~ I am fairly new as well, and I agree with these words above. Find someone you can trust to "talk" to and ask questions. And the folks here on CM have good pearls of wisdom to pass on. I also believe that approaching a BDSM/D/s relationship is no different than any other relationship. Be you...don't compromise YOU. There are great people out there that can fill a role that YOU are looking for. Don't settle for anything less than what YOU deserve. And, don't give give want you simply cannot. All the best to you!

Hillwilliam -> RE: Need Advice (9/14/2012 12:48:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alecta I always find myself snarling when "mentoring" comes up. It doesn't help that every time I've seen it practised IRL it has been code for NSA play or another stupid excuse to cheat on one's partner/s. I get it, a mentor is there to help you figure out about the lifestyle and answer most of the newb questions and help you get in the door. The concept is sound, but for it to be successful, Your mentor should be of a similar orientation as you. Your mentor should never lay a hand on you sexually. Your mentor should never be in a D/s role with you. Your mentor should never be engaged in mentoring you behind his/her partner/s backs or against his/her partner/s consent. Your mentor should not have any expectations of a further relationship with you. If you're going to get yourself a mentor, remember always that s/he is not your Dom/me and is only supposed to help you as YOU request. Seeing as how my mentor 20 odd years ago was a Lesbian Dominant and she and her sub were both great friends, I'd say what I had meets your criteria. It's damn rare but it happens. To the OP. I feel that maybe you should possibly look into another but more experienced submissive to mentor you.

joewordsmith11 -> RE: Need Advice (9/14/2012 1:01:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewtoSub12345 His girlfriend lives hours away. He was interested in finding another female sub to add to there relationship. I asked if he had seen her lately. He told me no. I am new to this and I wanted to talk to others that would know. Pretty clear to me: He has a primary girlfriend, who he intends to keep his primary girlfriend, but he wants to have a little fun with you on the side.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875