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SacredDepravity -> RE: Breaking the Chains (9/14/2012 9:16:59 AM)
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DesFIP: I agree…baby steps. I guess what I am seeing only now in the situation is how much I actually miss and how I look for much the same as before with someone new. It is loss. There is no real loss as far as who he became by the end, but I miss who he WAS and what we HAD. I am still very much in love with what used to be. Reality? That’s gone and will never come back.
Duskypearls: It seemed so simple. A person goes bad and destroys himself and nearly destroys you, it should be the easiest thing in the world to walk away. Not so. It is not rational or logical. It is that very emotional response to a bond that was very intentionally foster for some years.
NuevaVida: It is amazing how often cutting one’s hair comes up in this conversation. I did it long ago when a different relationship ended and I did it again this time. There must be something very significant and intimate about this. While I didn’t have to take back my sexuality in the way you described, I had to erase the script in my head that had induced orgasms for some years. This was not easy. It meant I lost a whole world and life we had produced in our imaginations together. There HAVE been a lot of tears and they spring up even now after a couple years working through it. Ownership of myself? There is a degree to which I never lost that. He insisted on me coming to grips with who I was as we went, so I can’t really say I lost a sense of self or identity while with him. What I DID lose was the ability to lie to myself about some hard things. It has also been a process to distinguish where my needs and wants end and where his imposition of will began. This was the first and only such relationship I have had and got exposed to a whole lot in a short period of time. While that was good to a degree, I don’t know until I experience some things again whether or not those things are truly a part of me or not. This is a more involved process than it ever seems it’s going to be. I am very picky now, feel like I am approaching things a bit jaded. I don’t want to be jaded, but I want to be wise and cautious.
Tsatske: I think part of the worst things in all this was the lack of closure. It just sort of eroded until a couple of big, irrevocable events from the outside world eliminated our relationship altogether. I could not go to him and have him say or do anything to denote release or ending now at all. Seeking closure is out of the question. I have to walk in another direction from him regardless of how hard it has been.
Alecta: It hasn’t been a valid construct to ask from the point ways parted what master would do because he had destroyed himself so badly by that point that I knew any direction his instruction would lead me would destroy me too. I did spend some time asking what the master of the past, the man I fell in love with, would do. It helped for a time until I came to the decision I wanted to find a new relationship. At that point, freedom is not rhetoric. It is not fair to a future partner to still be so attached to another. While the imprints of what we had together will always be there, I have to have the autonomy that allows me to have myself to give. I can’t belong to him anymore. Otherwise, logically, I will never belong to another. Fighting to get free is about the future, not the present. Trying so hard to prove one is free in the beginning I think is more of a running away from reality and just a weak attempt at rebellion. While it is often a small step in getting free, it is not freedom. Going through all the pain and rebuilding has to be done to go forward as a whole person. The fact that there’s a new thread in the tapestry is completely appropriate, however, so long as it has become an enhancing part of the whole.
Littlewonder: That advice is so wonderful and so practical. While I often make a lot of life decisions this way, I have found it too painfully objective when dealing with relationships. And, in this case, the cons list came in one item in huge, bold, flashing neon letters all of a sudden. While there were a million little things, they all were rooted in and the result of that ONE massive item. If there was anything that fell outside of it, those issues were so small as to not matter in comparison. It was a situation of too little, too late, and no road back. It was the most natural and irrational thing ever to look for that path, but it doesn’t exist, can’t exist, and if it did exist, it would be a road to ruin. There is only one direction to go. I think that makes it very simple and very painful and frustrating in the same breath. There’s only forward. I have no choice, but to go back to having a choice. Irony.
Kalikshama: This sounds equally as painful in a lot of ways (at least within the process). Ripping the bandaid off and pulling it off slow amounts to the same amount of pain. The question is whether you prefer one large dose or several smaller doses over a longer period of time. That option wasn’t even there in this case. Due to some of the fallout from all this, I absolutely HAD to focus on rebuilding my own life. I didn’t really get to grieve for about six months after the big event. I had to cut ties, move away, see to the security of others in my life, and stay on my own feet at least long enough to get safe and stable. Sometimes it’s up to how a person likes to take their pain in life. Other times life could care less and a person must take it as it is presented. The only choice is forward, wiser, healthier, and more aware.
Osidegirl: Absolutely. Moving forward is a myth if one hasn’t done the hard works to make sure he/she is in a healthier place to begin a new relationship than before the last one. It is not fair to bring so much past damage to someone new. There are things you can leave on the curb. Others aren’t so easy overcome. Some only heal in time and in response to another’s care and nurture.
SD
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