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Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 2:14:50 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

I was just reading another thread and got the inspiration to ask this question.

A poster in that thread was asking questions about punishment, asking about the why of punishing, about why Doms try to change their submissives.

To me, it seemed to go to the very crux of a 24/7 D/s relationship. If we take the “play” aspect out of a D/s relationship, how would it appear, in the day to day activities, any different than a “vanilla” relationship?

If I have heard any complaint from a new submissive in a new relationship, it is “He does not Dom me enough”. When I have asked what that means, they usually reply that they do not feel the power or the Dominance enough.

If a Dominant does not set boundaries or parameters of behavior, show the submissive what is expected of them (which might be called training, I hate that word “training” when used as a generic term.) then how would a submissive feel the power exchange in the day to day?

To carry that through, what should the Dom do, if she does not meet those expectations, or parameters of behavior? What if she wakes up one morning and says “Screw it, I am too lazy to make breakfast this morning, or I just don’t feel like folding his socks in that damn fussy way he wants them? I can only speak for myself, but if I did not feel his displeasure, and his desire to correct that behavior, he would go with out breakfast a lot and perhaps find a sock drawer all messed up. That displeasure, however it might be manifest; is punishment, a component of discipline. I am not saying I am a Sammy, but I do think it is human nature to get away with what we can get away with sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes. All that being said, usually, for me, the look on his face when he is pleased with me is enough to keep me doing it. That look of pleasure is a reward for good behavior, another component of the disciplinary process, in my opinion.

I do hope I am making my point clear, I am not nearly as eloquent as many of the posters here. If “training” as defined above (defined parameters of behavior and expectation), is not a part of the day to day life in a D/s relationship, how is the power dynamic made manifest in the daily life, making it different than a vanilla relationship? (taking “play” out of the equation for the sake of argument) I am curious to find out how others feel.
(whew, please forgive me for making this so long)

Post #: 1

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 2:39:06 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I'm hardly ever "punished". Master says if he had to punish me all the time it would just signify the fact that I am not being what I claim to be, submissive and what would be the point of the Master/slave relationship...it would just amount to a kink we were playing at, rather than a D/s relationship that stems from our natural selves.

Saying that, I know there will be repercussions for the things I do that are contrary to his wishes and the punishment for those are quite uninteresting, certainly not "hot" or "fun". Example... if I buy something on ebay without asking him, I wont be allowed to use ebay for sometime.

I've always been submissive to my partner in relationship, so the D/s dynamic has even played out in vanilla relationships for me, the defining factor for being a bdsm "slave" for me, is the play aspects, that I see is the only thing that is "extra" in a bdsm defined relationship that couldnt be found in vanilla relationship. That's been my experience anyways.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 2

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 2:43:30 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I merely have to voice my displeasure to get a reaction from Fox.

I chose him because he values excellent service.

To reward him I primarily just have to say "Good foxboy" or "Good Fox" or "Good boy" and smile.

How we show our authority dynamic (I don't like the idea of a power exchange because I think we both have power; I have the authority) is through use of titles and daily rituals.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 3

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 2:45:45 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

"Saying that, I know there will be repercussions for the things I do that are contrary to his wishes and the punishment for those are quite uninteresting, certainly not "hot" or "fun". "

:) i hear that... it amuses me when folks automatically assume "punishment" always takes the form of something percussive applied to the backside. There are many other creative ways to correct or discourage behavior.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 4

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 2:47:42 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Tammyjo

Thank you :) and i think i like authority dynamic better, too.

I wonder if you would share some of the rituals?

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 5

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 3:01:00 PM

APerfectParadox

Posts: 95
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Well said .. this is exactly the tupe of relationship i prefer. i don't want someone who seeks to change who i am at the core and the rituals and titles are much more enjoyable ways of bringing that dynamic into day to day life.

_____________________________

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy?

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 6

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 3:29:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

What TammyJo and Jali said.

If a partner needs to feel a leash yank from me, they should pick a good time and ask for it.

A healthy dynamic is one which flows between everyone- we've all got highs and lows, sometimes one person feels feisty and the other doesn't, but, on the long term, I shouldn't have to be exerting special effort everyday just to keep things popping. Too many novices get addicted to that leash pull.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 7

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:37:28 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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Hi reticence ..... great question.

If person A has a genuine and deep desire to submit to person B, then there shouldn't be a great need for correction, especially after a breaking in period, when the submissive is learning what pleases the dominant.

Are you submissive? Do you want to submit? Then do so. Dominants should also dominate..... put the little cuties to work pleasing you. If it's a good fit between the two, it shouldn't be a never-ending struggle.

An aside: reticence is a friend from alt, I hope you all will make her welcome.

Level

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:44:38 PM

BreakMeShakeMe

Posts: 339
Joined: 6/6/2006
Status: offline

What Tammyjo, Jali and LA said.

The bottom line I was getting too.... is the way some seem to think it's a game that is played. It's not a game...until game time. As far as the punishment... you'll catch more flies with honey than vinager. If expectations...or parameters of behaviors are all clear.. at the on set of a relationship.... then there's no need for punishment... or training. (Yep hate that training word too now). I know when I served...I served from my heart... not protocol... leash pulling... training... or punishment. And "play" wasn't involved in my daily services. If I didn't get up and make coffee... Master knew I was not well. Something was wrong somewhere. There was no punishment... there was communication. He would find out what was up. And I was allowed to say... i'm sorry I overslept... I didn't feel like it today... because it wasn't and every day thing. Just like not everyday... he didn't feel like making me do something. There can still be the dynamics... without the words...and actions.

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do, Skill is knowing how to, Virtue is just doing it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:47:05 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Level

thank you (smile)

It is really nice seeing you here, i have missed you

reti

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 10

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:55:04 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

BreakMeShakeMe

Thanks for the clarification. For the most part I agree with you.

You gave me inspiration to really think about the day to day life. My relationship did not look much different than a vanilla one most of the time, although there was always that authority dynamic in place. I was trying to really think about it, what was it that made me feel it all the time, and i wanted to hear from others.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 11

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:58:37 PM

cuddleheart50

Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Hello reticence and Welcome aboard!

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 12

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 4:59:08 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

To me, there is no real difference between a D/s life and a vanilla life, with the exception of the play. I've always been the type person to want to please my partner and make him happy. One of the things that drove me stark raving batty about my ex-husband was that he'd NEVER tell me what to do to make him happy. Ever. "What would you like me to wear?" "Whatever you like is fine." "Do you like my hair this way or long?" "Whatever you like is fine." "What would you like for dinner?" "Whatever you feel like is fine."

I even tried to just do things that I either knew he enjoyed or would enjoy without asking him. One evening, when he had to work until 8:00 p.m., I raced home from work, made lasagana (from scratch), as it is his favorite food. I dressed up in a very cute french maid's outfit, and just before I knew he'd walk in, I ran him a hot bath. My intention was to a) look pretty and sexy to him, b) bathe him to relax him, and c) to feed him something he would enjoy.

He took one look and said..."I'm too tired." I was crushed.

I wanted nothing more than to make him feel happy to be home and to feel loved. That's all I want, truly. To make my partner feel happy and loved. How is that different from vanilla? It's not, as I had no inkling of D/s back then.

It's not a game, it's not a role one dresses up for and takes on. It's a real life commitment to a person and his happiness and joy.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to reticence)

Post #: 13

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 5:03:13 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Cuddleheart50

(smile) Hello, and thank you for the welcome. I am enjoying the board very much, finally got out of lurk mode.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 14

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 5:56:46 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

To me, there is no real difference between a D/s life and a vanilla life, with the exception of the play. I've always been the type person to want to please my partner and make him happy. One of the things that drove me stark raving batty about my ex-husband was that he'd NEVER tell me what to do to make him happy. Ever. "What would you like me to wear?" "Whatever you like is fine." "Do you like my hair this way or long?" "Whatever you like is fine." "What would you like for dinner?" "Whatever you feel like is fine."

I even tried to just do things that I either knew he enjoyed or would enjoy without asking him. One evening, when he had to work until 8:00 p.m., I raced home from work, made lasagana (from scratch), as it is his favorite food. I dressed up in a very cute french maid's outfit, and just before I knew he'd walk in, I ran him a hot bath. My intention was to a) look pretty and sexy to him, b) bathe him to relax him, and c) to feed him something he would enjoy.

He took one look and said..."I'm too tired." I was crushed.

I wanted nothing more than to make him feel happy to be home and to feel loved. That's all I want, truly. To make my partner feel happy and loved. How is that different from vanilla? It's not, as I had no inkling of D/s back then.

It's not a game, it's not a role one dresses up for and takes on. It's a real life commitment to a person and his happiness and joy.

Too tired to have a lovely woman in a french maid's uniform bathe him, and feed him home-made lasagna?

Hmm!

I know what it's like to be so tired that it seems it's all you can do to hold your head up and grunt, but I have to wonder if he made it a habit to dismiss your efforts? Even one in a vanilla relationship should show appreciation.

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 15

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 5:58:38 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Too tired to have a lovely woman in a french maid's uniform bathe him, and feed him home-made lasagna?

Hmm!

I know what it's like to be so tired that it seems it's all you can do to hold your head up and grunt, but I have to wonder if he made it a habit to dismiss your efforts? Even one in a vanilla relationship should show appreciation.

Yes, he made his habit to dismiss my efforts. Eventually, I stopped making them.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 16

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 6:15:29 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

An aside: reticence is a friend from alt, I hope you all will make her welcome.

Level

Oooo, is that a warning, Level? Why on earth would you ever think we'd be tough on the newcomer?

Reticence, any friend of Level's is welcome in my eyes.

As for punishment in a D/s relationship. I personally don't believe in it. I'm not a child, I'm an adult. I believe that, as an adult, there are consequences for my behaviour that I have to be willing to accept.

To me, it's about discipline, and living up to my commitments and promises.

I choose a dominant because he is someone's who's authority I respect. I believe that my life will be enhanced by defering to his authority. I make a commitment to be held accountable and if I fail (and we all do occasionally), then I expect consequences, not punishment.

Save the spankings for when I'm in the mood to be a naughty schoolgirl, I say!

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 17

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 6:35:18 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

To me, there is no real difference between a D/s life and a vanilla life, with the exception of the play. I've always been the type person to want to please my partner and make him happy. One of the things that drove me stark raving batty about my ex-husband was that he'd NEVER tell me what to do to make him happy. Ever. "What would you like me to wear?" "Whatever you like is fine." "Do you like my hair this way or long?" "Whatever you like is fine." "What would you like for dinner?" "Whatever you feel like is fine."

And I find them quite different in a few ways because I have a vanilla relationship with my husband and I own another man as my live-in slave.

The big difference is this.

I tell the husband to do something, he find excuses, he makes complaints, even when this is stuff we negotiated as our division of labor years ago and these have been our chores for 14 years now.

I tell the slave to do something, it gets done ASAP. No complaints, no excuses, no whining. In fact, usually after I trained him or told him a few times, he does it on his own.

So when I hear folks say that needing to be nagged into housework or yardwork or whatever work is a "guy thing" I know that can't be true because my vanilla guy is this way but my slave guy is certainly not.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 18

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 6:46:35 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

An aside: reticence is a friend from alt, I hope you all will make her welcome.

Level

Oooo, is that a warning, Level? Why on earth would you ever think we'd be tough on the newcomer?

Reticence, any friend of Level's is welcome in my eyes.

As for punishment in a D/s relationship. I personally don't believe in it. I'm not a child, I'm an adult. I believe that, as an adult, there are consequences for my behaviour that I have to be willing to accept.

To me, it's about discipline, and living up to my commitments and promises.

I choose a dominant because he is someone's who's authority I respect. I believe that my life will be enhanced by defering to his authority. I make a commitment to be held accountable and if I fail (and we all do occasionally), then I expect consequences, not punishment.

Save the spankings for when I'm in the mood to be a naughty schoolgirl, I say!

Hi cin .......... ah, reticence can handle herself quite well, trust me lol. She's a good woman.

I agree with your points, cin.... adults should be just that, adults.... I think that'd solve all kinds of problems.

As for "naughty schoolgirls".........

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 19

RE: Feelin' the Power - 6/12/2006 6:57:27 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I agree with your points, cin.... adults should be just that, adults.... I think that'd solve all kinds of problems.

As for "naughty schoolgirls".........

Now where did I leave that little plaid skirt?

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 20

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