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Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 5:15:42 AM   
naughtygirlWa


Posts: 61
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline 		So I'll start off by saying that my husband and I have been married for just under a year, together just over eight. And we now have a kid together. I am absolutely committed to him, not at all looking to cheat, or leave him. I've always been submissive. He however, has evolved.

When we were first starting out, he took the more dominant role with some prodding from me. But as time goes on, he has gotten more and more submissive. So over time, I've discovered that I can switch, and when we're in it, I enjoy it. But given the option, I'll always choose to submit. Occasionally I can get him to be more dominant, but when it happens I push and push, trying to get him to prove that it's real, that he's really in charge and I can let go. And then he backs down, I take over, and he get's off while I'm left with nowhere to go. Even more frustrating are the times when I am somehow able to take myself down while still managing to give him the illusion that I'm in charge. So I'm dominating both of us at the same time. It's difficult, unfulfilling, confusing and emotionally draining.

We've discussed fantasies of having a dominant man come and take charge of both of us. But for him that's all it is, a fantasy.

Has anyone else been in this position? What did you do, how did you cope?
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 5:27:06 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First off welcome back! Your first post in five years! That said, congratulations on your new child.

What do you mean by "Dominant" and "submissive"? In or out of the bedroom? If you just want people for play sessions, you can get that by going to play parties. If you want someone to take control outside the bedroom, that'll be a LOT trickier.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 5:29:05 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Occasionally I can get him to be more dominant, but when it happens I push and push, trying to get him to prove that it's real, that he's really in charge and I can let go. And then he backs down, I take over, and he get's off while I'm left with nowhere to go.


Would you explain this further? To me, it sounds like he's giving you what he thinks you want. Are you sending him mixed messages?

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 5:41:04 AM   
naughtygirlWa


Posts: 61
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

First off welcome back! Your first post in five years! That said, congratulations on your new child.

What do you mean by "Dominant" and "submissive"? In or out of the bedroom? If you just want people for play sessions, you can get that by going to play parties. If you want someone to take control outside the bedroom, that'll be a LOT trickier.


Thank you!

I guess maybe this could kinda go on the poly board too. Don't want someone just for play, but a more like a third in the relationship. Nothing really serious outside the bedroom. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I don't want every decision to be made for me, you know what I wear, how/if I cut my hair, etc.

I really hope this makes some sort of sense to you as it's all very confusing in my head.

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 5:52:05 AM   
naughtygirlWa


Posts: 61
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Would you explain this further? To me, it sounds like he's giving you what he thinks you want. Are you sending him mixed messages?


He does occasionally try to give me what I want, but it always feels forced to me. So I don't do what he wants hoping that it'll push him into making me do it. I guess I am sending mixed signals. And trying to top from the bottom, even though I really don't want to.

I guess what I really want is to have him make me do what he wants, for me to be able to say no but not have it mean no.

Although I guess technically he is making me do what he wants when I take over.

But when I think about it like that, that's when I end up topping us both.

(in reply to kalikshama)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 7:02:42 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		This sounds like a rough situation. It sounds like you both wish the other would be dominant, when neither of you are. That must be very frustrating for you both.

That said, whilst I understand the urge to push boundaries in order to feel that they are firm and secure, it does sound like you are giving him mixed messages. Does he know this is what you want? Or does he think the point of the game is for you to 'win' and push him into submission? And if he does know that you want to be 'put in your place' whilst he is in charge, does he feel comfortable doing that? If he feel mostly submissive himself he might not have the desire to deal with the pushing and testing.

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I was trying to dom my partner when I don't really feel like a dominant person. I would certainly be able to play the role, but if he said 'dominate me', and then defied me or acted up constantly, I would quickly get annoyed and give up. I do understand why you do it, but if there's any hope of you two figuring this out just between the two of you, you're going to have to reign yourself in.

I can't begin to advise about bringing in a third person because I've not done it. It sounds like you're thinking about this more seriously than he is though, so I'd suggest having a real serious talk about this. It may shock him to realise that you're actually thinking about finding someone if he thinks it's just a fun dirty conversation.

Are play parties an option for you? A fun, no strings, no sex session or two with a friend might help you clarify what it is you both want to happen. You said you're not looking for domination outside of the bedroom, so are you thinking kinky fuckbuddy? Or a full on relationship but with the dom/sub element only happening in the bedroom? Finding a third will be tough, although I think looking for a man gives you better odds than those looking for a woman. The hard part will be finding someone you both like and are attracted to, and that likes and is attracted to both of you. That's why you might find it much easier to find someone to play with you both than actually join the relationship.

Good luck with it.

_____________________________

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 7:03:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Have you actually discussed all of this with your husband and how does he feel about it?

I mean, what you've described of his actions seem more like he has just gone through the motions to get laid. But doesn't really want to make any effort aside from that.

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 8:58:30 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Well, you two have a pattern that seems to be rather entrenched at this point and it pretty much seems to work for him. That being said, it's really hard being something you aren't. I think the two of you really need to sit down and figure out who/what you are and communicate that to each other. Then see if you'll be able to give the other what they need.

It almost seems like you're sabotaging his efforts by pushing at him after pretending to give him control. In my relationship, if my Dominant and I accepted the fact that he was in charge and then I undermined his position, it would not make us happy. There has to be some element of trust from you in him. Of course he's rolling over eventually, he's not firmly a Dominant, he seems like he tops you to make you happy and when it gets to be territory that he can't deal with he lets it go because in the end it seems like he's not that invested in getting you off when he doesn't feel like he can. People can only do what they're capable of. It seems like you're asking him to be someone he isn't. You might have to accept something less than what you want to remain with him. I don't know.

What seems like him rolling over might be just that, he might not be interested in the end in fulfilling your needs. It might also be that he simply can't do what you want and it's fruitless for you to keep asking him for something that he isn't.

As far as a third person, to me it seems like it would help you ignore the issues in your marriage. It's like having a kid to make things better. It doesn't. The underlying problems are still there.

(in reply to naughtygirlWa)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 9:27:06 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Not to mention....unless the marriage is really fucking solid, bringing another man, especially a dominant one, into the mix just seems like a recipe for real serious disaster.

Unless the current guy is bi and submissive...

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to lizi)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 9:54:40 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Not to mention....unless the marriage is really fucking solid, bringing another man, especially a dominant one, into the mix just seems like a recipe for real serious disaster.

Unless the current guy is bi and submissive...


Hells to the yes.
I'd also have to say the marriage doesn't feel all that solid right now. Seems like the OP is in some considerable pain from feeling bypassed and ignored, and I have no idea how the husband is faring. From the sound of the situation, bringing in someone is probably the last thing Id do at this point since things would probably implode faster than the speed of light.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/14/2012 10:00:51 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You're both subs, not switches.

This is gonna cause problems with your marriage. Neither of you can make each other be dominant. You are or you are not.
First of all, you both need to sit down and have a real conversation about this. At this point it sounds as if you both need a Dom/me and that can be extremely disaterous if you both are not careful. If he doesn't want that though then you have real problems. At that point you both will need to decide the next step. Hate to say it but it doesn't sound like a lasting relationship to me.


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Everything has changed

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/15/2012 1:04:52 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		If you were pushing Me, I wouldn't be your trained dog, either. From what you say here, you don't want him as a Dominant. You want a service top that does what you think he should do. I'd pass that crap right on by if it were Me.

If you want him to play the Dom, then it's your job to submit. No Dominant that I know would deal with this situation. How many Dominants do you know that put up with their submissive calling all of the shots, pushing to get what they want, and the other stuff you've put in this post? I don't know if you see it, but it sounds like you are sabotaging the scene any time he takes the top role. No wonder he doesn't do it very well. Unless he goes by your wants, he's not doing it right.

Talk about the possibility of one or both of you having some play with a Dominant. Maybe the two of you could meet some folks at your local munch group. The situation you are presenting here doesn't seem to have a solution just between the two of you.


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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/15/2012 2:10:46 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Sounds like you haven't got all your facts.

First you need to understand whether your husband is really a sub, or if he just likes being sub to you, or if he is just trying to make you happy. there are big differences between the three.

As for getting a third, this one would be tricky because in what you've said has not presented enough of what your husband thinks about it.

Potentially, you could get a Dom for the pair of you. There are those who exist out there who get their kicks from having you do things to each other and not necessarily them. You need to decide what kind of relationship you want with this Dom and be very clear about it at every stage. Do you want a friend outside the bedroom who would be Dom inside the bedroom? Do you want a third member in your romantic relationship and build a family life with him in it? Or just a kink friend to top? Are you ready for that kind of relationship, whatever it may be?

Maybe it would be simpler right now for the pair of you to go out to parties and events together and just participate in scenes together (as subs), either for a single Dom or two Doms at once (like a couples massage).

Don't confuse the bedroom with your lives. Needing him to step up and take charge in day-to-day life is not the same as wanting him to pull you back by the hair and tell you all the nasty things he wants you to do for him. It does not come from the same place, and that again does not come from the same place as wanting a Dominant to run your life. Figure out where each need and desire starts and ends, communicate, and compromise. What can you promise to deliver to each other, what do you need to "outsource", and what is really truly important?

(in reply to naughtygirlWa)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/15/2012 7:42:31 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		It's been my experience it never worked out. They either have the drive and the want to, or they don't.

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/16/2012 1:01:30 AM   
naughtygirlWa


Posts: 61
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your insights and advice. I guess what I really need to do is talk to my husband outside the bedroom and see how he really feels about all this.

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/16/2012 5:51:53 AM   
PrincessDonna11


Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline 		Good idea! Its not the time to bring in a "third"! Things may happen that although there may be a "yeah its ok lets do this" conversation seeing his wife with someone else on top may be something he cat let go of later, and the poor third ends up stuck in the middle of chaos!

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/16/2012 7:19:19 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtygirlWa

Thank you all for your insights and advice. I guess what I really need to do is talk to my husband outside the bedroom and see how he really feels about all this.


Agreed. You're getting some idea of what you need. Ask him what he needs to open the conversation.

Also, a stupid question - your profile says you're bi. Why are you looking to add a Dom man, without looking at the possibility of a Domme?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to naughtygirlWa)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/16/2012 3:20:31 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Good luck!

(in reply to naughtygirlWa)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/16/2012 3:44:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Of course he's backing down. No matter how he tries to fulfill your desires, you keep telling him it isn't good enough. Even if he was dominant, he would back down at that. Because you're not submitting.

He may have some dominance but you aren't helping to bring it out. Be grateful for what he does instead of criticizing him and maybe he'll feel safer doing it again.

He isn't going to bitchslap you into next week to force you to submit because decent men don't do that. And that includes dominants. Unless you've negotiated it, it's off limits.

You expect him to respect your limits, but you won't respect his. And yes, he's allowed to have some.

If what he wants is to have you a puddle of melted goo, and your response is to tell him that if he was a real dom, he wouldn't want that, you're setting him up to fail. He may not be sadistic, which is a totally different thing than dominant. His idea of you submitting may not be topping you to your specs but instead you getting him a cup of tea without being asked three times. Have you talked to him about this?

Has he said he wants to submit to some other guy and watch you have sex with him? I strongly suggest you stop fixating on what turns you on and start talking to him. Otherwise soon enough you'll find yourself talking to a divorce lawyer.

Search the term sub frenzy, because it appears as though that's what you're suffering from.

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RE: Two subs is one too many - 9/17/2012 12:34:28 AM   
naughtygirlWa


Posts: 61
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Also, a stupid question - your profile says you're bi. Why are you looking to add a Dom man, without looking at the possibility of a Domme?


Because honestly, Dommes kinda scare me. Submissive and vanilla women? Totally fine, wonderful even. I don't know why but the idea of submitting to a Domme scares the bejeezus out of me.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 20
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