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MsWillAdore -> Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 2:29:20 PM)

I posted the following comments/questions on the "Ask a Mistress forum."  I didn't see many replies from subs/slaves.  I am putting this here so that I may get some input from sub/slaves. 

".......how about some input on a sub/slave that seems to have interest in you & doesn't follow through with simple things that he says he is going to do?  For example, HIM saying that he will call you if he is too busy to get online or not responding to emails that you know that he has read....etc.  This of course being part of the process before meeting.  We are/were supposed to meet this Wednesday (06/14/06), but after all of this... I am seriously debating that.  I mean, I would probably end up getting the "shaft".. and not in a good way either... *laffs*!!!!!!!!!!   He does give me reasons as to why he doesn't do the email thing, either he is busy...etc (he was just hired for a new job & tying up some loose ends)... but why can't he pick up the phone just to say... "Hey, I said I would call if I became too busy... I'm still busy but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you....blah blah blah"

This has happened to me before on here... but this time, wow... this "sub" really had/has MY mind wrapped around him.  I can usually shrug it off, because it happens a lot....I don't know what is different about this one.  [sm=ofcourse.gif] 

Any input would be greatly appreciated!  ........"



~~ Lady Kim ~~



slavejali -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 2:55:42 PM)

I think that shows lack of respect to you in general.  If I was in your position I wouldnt be impressed either and would be doubting his true intentions.



bandit25 -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 2:58:04 PM)

I agree jali.  I would also wonder about his intentions.



OedipusRexIt -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 3:21:31 PM)

I've encounterd my own version of this. 

It may be overly harsh of me (which anyone is free to opine) but I would view failure to keep simple commmitments like that as indicative of an inability to serve on larger issues.

Only you know the extent to which he's transgressed, but if it seems as if he's putting you off, most likely he is.  A simple phone call is not hard to make, and if you have the time to read email, you at least have the time for writing a brief reply.  Re-evaluate his worth to you and consider whether his true intent may be to top from the bottom.

Good luck with whatever you do.



juliaoceania -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 3:53:27 PM)

I am going to play devils advocate

You have not specified how long the two of you have been courting online. If it hasnt been that long I really wouldn't expect much from him. He has a life, he has never met you before, and at this point you are ancillary to his life. He is not owned by you and if he has work pressures that keep him from returning your emails in a manner that you find untimely, well then you have to decide what you want to do about that.

I would give him the benefit on the doubt, you haven't met yet, so why not? When I was looking for a dominant it would have been a red flag for me if they "expected" anything from me before I had even met them. They are not in my day-to-day life and I have real responsibilities. If I havew to work and can't return an email because my thoughts are on the task at hand.. well the person I am communicating with can accept this or not... if not, someone more reasonable to my way of life will certainly appear.

On the other hand, if I have an understanding with someOne, and they expect something from me, well I am going to deliver, and if I do not think I can I am going to point that out before I let them down. I am going to return phone calls and emails if I possibly can. But still, my life is my own until they put a collar on me, and that means my responsibilities STILL come before them without the collar. It is only healthy.

If you feel he is blowing you off, well at least you have that red flag going in, and I would tell him how you feel about his lack of attention.



sublizzie -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 4:14:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsWillAdore
but why can't he pick up the phone just to say... "Hey, I said I would call if I became too busy... I'm still busy but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you....blah blah blah"


While I think you've got issues with this one since he's not emailing either, I can understand not calling. I *hate* to call people. I love to talk on the phone, but I was told way too often as a child that I was bugging someone if I called them so I don't make phone calls to very many people. It would take a direct command for me to call a Dom/me. In fact, it *has* taken direct commands for me to call them. It's just not a comfortable place for me to be.



chains314 -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 8:02:57 PM)

In this day of communication with cell phones some have e mail capabilities  instant massinger one can get a message to some one sitting at a stop sine, To me this is a very impotent part of your relation ship its the weeding out part  weir you find out who and what each others or about .If he is allowed to do it now and meets no discipline for it he will assume he can do it when ever .I would meat him give him a set of rules you wont followed and if he cant to it move on he is just playing and will never be serious



chains314 -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 8:14:32 PM)

Its better to expect Little and get allot then to expect and get Little]ORIGINAL: chains314

In this day of communication with cell phones some have e mail capabilities  instant massinger one can get a message to some one sitting at a stop sine, To me this is a very impotent part of your relation ship its the weeding out part  weir you find out who and what each others or about .If he is allowed to do it now and meets no discipline for it he will assume he can do it when ever .I would meat him give him a set of rules you wont followed and if he cant to it move on he is just playing and will never be serious
[/quote]



champagnewishes -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 10:11:44 PM)

I understand your consideration for his behavior...but the fact that you are questioning his intentions pretty well gives you your answer.  If it felt right, you would have overlooked his lack of communication at this point and time.  Always trust your gut instincts.



babysburnin -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 10:47:53 PM)

He is no good, period.  Guess what?  Some men would never imagine treating you like that...Excuses, excuses....would you ever discount HIS feelings in such a manner? 



talibahh -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/12/2006 11:16:51 PM)

Lady Kim,
 
i am divided on this a little. i agree with julia and jali. But i think it depends too, on how long You have been communicating and how far things have got online, before the meeting, as to how much One should expect of him/from him.

i agree that a prospective sub should show respect and his intentions as to how he would serve, but at the same time, like julia said, it depends on how far You have already progressed with him. It is true that You have not yet met or collared him, so while he realistically doesn't have to answer to You yet, one would presume a serious sub would show respect and consideration at least.

i can only speak from my own point of view/opinion, but i know that if i was/when i am, serious about a prospective Master, no matter how busy i was, if i had time to read an email, i would take 2 minutes to hit the reply button and respond, even if it was only to say *thanks for Your email, unfortunately am unable to repsond in detail now... will be in touch when i can*, AND follow through.

i had a communication problem early on in my current position. And it was through communicating it was adjusted/fixed. i find communicating about concerns is the best answer. Be blunt with him. Tell him how You are having doubts to his seriousness because of his lack of respect to simply be in touch. If he is serious about You, he will respond and explain and endevour to make a more concerted effort of being in touch. If he's not serious, his true colours will show through and You will know. Life does get in the way sometimes. And sometimes people are genuinely tied up. But if they are serious, they soon explain. If they are not, they dont bother.
 
i wish You luck... and good communication skills...[:)] 

respectfully,
tali



brightspot -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/13/2006 12:36:54 AM)

From what you say it sounds to me that maybe his interest right now is more in a fantasy state in his mind. Maybe he doesn't have the time, maybe it scares the shit out of him to bring it into reality, maybe he wants to realize what some of his fantasies are but is confused as to how to incorporate it into his "vanilla" life, maybe this, maybe that, maybe.....
 
What's important is how it is affecting you and what your boundaries and limits are.
 
I think the importance of communication and honesty be firmly established and discussed in the very beginning when you both decide you feel you want to move on into more depth.
 
You as the Domina must decide your limits, your boundaries, your expectations and how many times you will allow a prospective sub to "mess up" in other words know(learn) your wants, needs, expectations and limits. When you find out what those are stand strong and firm in your truth(maybe a bit flexable for good reason[;)]) and find your path as who your are as a Domina and then strive to be nothing-less.
 
These are the kind of things that my Domina did that helped build a strong trust base of trust for me. She was flexable and understanding of my mistakes but also knew when it was an excuse and responded accordingly. She also followed through with everything she said in turn I only gained more trust and respect.
The behavior you describe she would not have put up with for long.
 
Just my humble thoughts of course[:)].
 
*Brightspot



MsWillAdore -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/13/2006 7:24:41 AM)

Thank you E/everyone for the input. 

Just for some background info:

We have been talking online for over a month (I had another profile that I deleted because there was someone that wouldn't leave me alone, I tried blocking...etc...) ... anyways... He (the new boy curt; not the stalker...lol)  was very receptive in the beginning as far as emailing me daily journals...etc.  We seemed to have had a lot of things in common, things we wanted...etc. All of a sudden, he just started giving me the feeling he was losing interest.  He has been hired by a new employer and I know that he has been busy running around trying to tie up loose ends & such.  The new job is requiring him to move to Michigan.  Still not too far from me, we talked about whether or not he would be able to come to the Cleveland area on weekends...while we were still getting to know each other...etc.  His response was "Absolutely."  We even talked about me relocating to Michigan in time.  With the work that I do, it wouldn't be hard for me to move.  He stated that he wanted to buy a house there & even asked me "Are you more of a country woman or a city woman?", implying that when he bought something that he would make the purchase with me in mind.  Which also indicated to me that he was serious about having something long term...marriage...etc.

However, after reading all of the posts & talking to friends online (I was trying to give the boy a fair shake), I did send him an email telling him how he had hurt me, etc..... and that I will no longer email him, that if any further contact was going to be initiated, then HE was the one that was going to have to do it.  I will no longer make a fool of myself.  Well, I see that he read that mail last night w/o a response.  Also in the "Actively Seeking" category he HAD "Dominant Women" there... and now he has included "Friends Only."  Which is totally contradicting his written profile statement... which is... and I quote..

"I was raised in a single parent household by a mother who was demanding and ran a strict household.  It is in my very nature to be submissive.

I'm college educated, professionally employed and consider myself successful in my job, but a failure when it come to developing a true, loving, relationship.

I am a little insecure, but looking for one special lady to form a long-term relationship based on honesty and love for one another.

I would like to give that special domme. the gift of my body. mind and soul....in exchange for your love...."

(Hopefully this won't get deleted for pasting that... not like I gave out his CM ID.)

>sigh< So...I guess I have my answer, that in my heart, I already knew; but just didn't want to accept.  Another online thrill seeker.   I think what some people should remember is that Dom/Domme's have feelings, hopes, aspirations that are just as real as a sub/slave.  (God, I hope no one flames on that statement.)  I just think that we are here looking for something that could be special (if we are all serious), I don't get why people have to get on here & misrepresent themselves.  Yanno?  I mean, there are surely others on CM that just want fantasy or online...etc... so why don't they hook up with those people with those interests?  I mean, after all if there weren't people on here looking for those things (not knocking anyone)... I wouldn't be going through this very issue, right?

Again, thank you for the input!  If any of you wonderful sub/slaves have a male sub/slave friend in the Cleveland area... pack him in a box & send him to me!  LOL

Hugs & Swats!
~~ Lady Kim ~~



SenseofBelonging -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/13/2006 7:44:35 AM)

one of two things is going on...either he has never been eye-to-eye with a true Domme and he's scared witless (been there, done that, lol) or, he's hiding something.



littleone35 -> RE: Looking for an answer (6/13/2006 7:58:46 AM)

see i deon't understand this even if my Master is very busy which he is.  he still takes 5 mins to mail me and makes the time to be with me.  If he really wanted to be with you he would make time.

Matt's littleone



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