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baggages - 9/18/2012 11:12:24 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I know this forum hates generalizing as everybody is different and will experience a different thing.

I don't really know how to articulate my thoughts in this one. I just got off a conversation with some dom, whom at first seem to be rather sane, but as the conversation went on, and we went on a topic that triggered some baggages or sensitive button, he went crazy amok.
I know its hard for anybody to understand what it is if I don't mention exactly what he went crazy about. But it made me feel like someone hurt this fellow really bad and his lashing out in pain.

But that was quite scary, the jekell and hyde transformation.

I guess I always read about doms supposingly to be like only dominant in their bedroom, but actually non-dominant in their regular lives or at work. But I have never met a dom that was not dominant in his regular life, ever.

Where do I find that kind of dom?

I can't find the right question to articulate exactly what I am pondering about for this topic.
But basically..., in a way where I know this will offend some people, are most people into bdsm damaged in some way? I mean...., badly hurt somewhere in their past that they still hold on to in a certain way?

And I am not saying this as a negative, I am that person. How I discovered I liked it was through a genuine non-consensual molestation incident too.

You also hear about women who after having children, stop wanting to be a sub or slave anymore to their husbands, even though they met and fell inlove through a d/s style relationship. Is it because it's like some kind of major life shifting stage that completely put them in a more at peace place with themselves that makes them lose that urge?
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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:16:47 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		When I had my daughter, the last thing I wanted to do was submit. I was tired, hungry, tired some more, wanted to simply have a day off from taking care of a baby with no help whatsoever from my husband for different reasons. It wasn't that I was at peace with myself, I was simply freakin tired!

And yes some who are into bdsm are damaged and some are not damaged. When I first got into bdsm, yeah I was damaged. I do not consider myself damaged anymore though but bdsm had nothing to do with my healing. It was simply taking my life by the reins and fixing myself.


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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:21:26 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Yes, there are people that do this because they have issues. They have control issues where this is the only place they feel they have control. Some have large amounts of anger or actual dislike for the opposite orientation. Some can't make decisions. Some are co-dependent. Some are massively insecure. Some can't be intimate or communicate.

But, that does not mean that everyone involved in D/s BDSM has those issues.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:23:30 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		It sounds like you've got a lot going on in your mind right now.

Regarding people who are not into bdsm outside the bedroom... there are lots. Kinky people are everywhere. On THIS site, they tend to get looked down on as "players"... and it's also been my observation that they're people who are "unclear on the concept" as it were. It's amazingly difficult to find people who are honest about what they want--and sometimes, it's because they don't really KNOW what they want.

Many of us have triggers, large and small. I'm glad for your sake that the person you were talking to showed his early on! Not everyone can put their past behind them. And not everything of the past SHOULD be set aside, either. I look back at some of the really stupid decisions I've made, and try to not do those things again. I also don't blame every new person for what the people that hurt me did. I am naturally an open and trusting person, life has taught me to be otherwise. It's a tricky balance.

Having children is a massive life changing experience. Not everyone who has kids drops the D/s. Look at AthenaSurrenders on here, for one example. Her child is young, she is lucky enough to be a housewife, she and her husband still have a D/s relationship. She's not the only one. Adapting to new situations is part of life, and for some people, they put aside D/s, or change the way it looks on the surface when someone is ill, or has children to care for.

Hope this helps!

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:40:56 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Having children triggers a protective maternal instinct in women through a series of hormonal and psychological changes during and after birth. Many women change while they're having babies, it's a built-in "mode" of our species designed to ensure we stick around and protect our children. Many of them change their worldview and responses drastically through no concious decisions of their own. Subs/slaves who lose the urge to submit after childbirth are generally "victims" of their new hormone levels, just as women who lose their libido after childbirth are. For some women, the effects are permanent. For others, it lasts anywhere from a few months to several years. And then add what littlewonder said.

On bad pasts, the answer is no. There is a handful of people in the lifestyle who are "damaged goods", but no more, in my opinion, than in any given subsection of society. There are many in the lifestyle who've HAD bad pasts that they've worked through, or are actively working through. In a way, the general expectations of the Lifestyle encourages and facilitates this, although admittedly there are times when it does the opposite, being too accepting and passive towards bad behaviour disguised as BDSM.

There are many men who are only Dominant in the bedroom everywhere. The question is partly what do you think "Dominance in regular life" is? There is a difference between the underdog who explodes into his Hyde persona in the bedroom, and the Dominant who reins himself in to be polite and amicable in regular life that makes actively looking for someone who's "a wimp irl but Dom in bed" a volatile thing to ask for.

The second question of course is what or how are you looking through these men? Because if you don't realise that you're picking those who are already showing signs of being psychotic, that's all you're going to meet.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:48:00 AM   
Greta75


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quote:

The second question of course is what or how are you looking through these men? Because if you don't realise that you're picking those who are already showing signs of being psychotic, that's all you're going to meet.

I usually reply to those are seem sane, nice and polite in the way they begin their correspondence with me.
Don't really know how else to find the nice ones.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:49:42 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I think people into BDSM are a valid representation of the general population, some have been damaged, some not.

Do I think certain types of damaged people gravitate towards this lifestyle? Yes.

I'm not sure how these answers help you.

Before I ever knew about S&M, I was married to a man who was very dominant in the bedroom and rather sub in the rest of his life. At the time we were rather well suited, except for his extreme jealousy issues.

My current dominant is far more bedroom oriented than he is lifestyle oriented. We do have the lifestyle thing going on, but it's not very overt. I would 96% of the time, we look like a vanilla couple.

So those kinds of men are not hard to find.

Again, I'm not sure how this helps you. But perhaps getting some responses might assist with you determining what going on in your brain.




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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 11:52:28 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Now Miss Chatte... you know you jump when he twitches! Just because it's not OBVIOUS... (and give him a parade wave from me, mmkay? or possibly a grope, whatever you feel is appropriate!)

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 12:29:13 PM   
kalikshama


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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

are most people into bdsm damaged in some way?


Bondage lovers normal, maybe even happier

An unusual sex survey has found that Australians who enjoy bondage and discipline are not damaged or dangerous, and might even be happier than those who practise "normal" sex.

The research showed 2 per cent of adult Australians regularly partake in sadomasochism and dominance and submission-type sexual role play.

And contrary to commonly-held stereotypes, they are not doing so in reaction to sexual abuse or because they are "sexually deficient" in some way, according the study of 20,000 Australians by public health researchers at the University of New South Wales.

"Our findings support the idea that bondage and discipline and sadomasochism (BDSM) is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority," Associate Professor Juliet Richters and her colleagues wrote in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The findings showed that it was more common among gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and that participants were more likely to have been more sexually adventurous in other ways.

"However, they were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious," said Prof Richters, author of the book Doing It Down Under.

In fact, men who take part may be happier, with results showing they score significantly lower on a scale of psychological distress than other men.

The researchers did not study why this was, but suspect it might simply be that they're more in harmony with themselves because they're into something unusual and are comfortable with that.


Read more: http://www.news.com.au/top-stories/bondage-lovers-normal-maybe-even-happier/story-e6frfkp9-1111117296864#ixzz26qqJk4vD

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 12:37:55 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My (now ex) husband and I were kinky in the bedroom and egalitarian outside. I've also had service oriented relationships that that did not include kinky sex. IOW, any combination is possible.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 12:43:26 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		I don't consider myself damaged. It's more of a personality trait to me. Although particular life events may help mold a persons personality. The most abuse I ever suffered was feeling overshadowed by a sibling and being scolded by teachers for knowing too much. Maybe that can be construed as some sort of damage? But if that's the case, then I would have to guess everyone is a little "damaged".

As far as changing after the birth of children, in my experience, my needs and personality came out more. Don't get me wrong, I was exhausted and needed rest for a few weeks. But having children did not change me...I go back to personality...if anything, they made me more aware of who I am and what I really want.


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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 1:08:47 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I honestly think some come in damaged and actually are healed in a few cases.
Pretty powerful stuff.
To me a dom is very stable in mood and emotion or they are not a dom. That is just my take.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 1:34:30 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Regarding people who are not into bdsm outside the bedroom... there are lots. Kinky people are everywhere. On THIS site, they tend to get looked down on as "players"... and it's also been my observation that they're people who are "unclear on the concept" as it were. It's amazingly difficult to find people who are honest about what they want--and sometimes, it's because they don't really KNOW what they want.


You'd really fucking look down on me then...
I'm hardly even in to it In the bedroom.

All that aside, I tend to look down on men who
can't control their emotions.

I can't really remember the last time I got angry,
or upset, or really anxious... It's not even
self control, it's just maturity and composure, if I
didn't have both those things I wouldn't be
thinking of myself as a Dom.

That's just me.

-Aries


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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 1:36:16 PM   
fucktoyprincess


Posts: 2337
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

The second question of course is what or how are you looking through these men? Because if you don't realise that you're picking those who are already showing signs of being psychotic, that's all you're going to meet.

I usually reply to those are seem sane, nice and polite in the way they begin their correspondence with me.
Don't really know how else to find the nice ones.

I think it is reasonable to at least ask the question early on of how someone came to their interest in BDSM. I realize not everyone will be completely honest in answering such a question, but it might start to give you some insights into people. You could also make it explicit in your profile, or ask the question more directly - "I'm not interested in people who have come to this lifestyle and continue to have unresolved psychological issues - can you share with me how you developed your interest in BDSM."

I realize that some people will attempt to lie their way through this. But it has been my general experience with people in the BDSM world that people are remarkably forthright about many things that they would not be forthright about in the vanilla world (I don't know if this experience is unusual).

I am not sure what else to suggest.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 1:43:39 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Yeah, but you knew what to look for (at least this is what I tell myself, anyway.)

Some gropes coming his way as soon as he gets home.

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 1:52:50 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		We all have baggage.

The question is have we dealt with our damage enough that we are not slaves to it, no matter which side of the kneel we are on.

I don't think that most of us who are into BDSM are more damaged than the general population of non-kinky folks.



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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 2:26:12 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		I've never understood these questions.. "I met s Dom/sub who seems to have issues, is everyone into BDSM like that?".

Do you meet someone who you assume is vanilla (co-worker, friend, boy/girlfriend, family member, whatever) and see they get upset or rude about something then go around asking, "I met a guy at the coffee shop and he got really upset at something I thought was minor, is everyone in the whole world like that?".

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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 2:48:52 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

Having children triggers a protective maternal instinct in women through a series of hormonal and psychological changes during and after birth.


It's also means that child's needs comes before anyone else's needs.

I have a friend that stopped after their child was born. She was just too exhausted to continue. She worked full time, took care of the baby when she was at home, took care of dinners and most of the housework. It doesn't leave a lot of time or energy for extra curricular activities.


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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 3:02:38 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Regarding people who are not into bdsm outside the bedroom... there are lots. Kinky people are everywhere. On THIS site, they tend to get looked down on as "players"... and it's also been my observation that they're people who are "unclear on the concept" as it were. It's amazingly difficult to find people who are honest about what they want--and sometimes, it's because they don't really KNOW what they want.


You'd really fucking look down on me then...
I'm hardly even in to it In the bedroom.

All that aside, I tend to look down on men who
can't control their emotions.

I can't really remember the last time I got angry,
or upset, or really anxious... It's not even
self control, it's just maturity and composure, if I
didn't have both those things I wouldn't be
thinking of myself as a Dom.

That's just me.

-Aries



Oh honey. You know how I'd look down on you.


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RE: baggages - 9/18/2012 3:07:52 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

I've never understood these questions.. "I met s Dom/sub who seems to have issues, is everyone into BDSM like that?".

Do you meet someone who you assume is vanilla (co-worker, friend, boy/girlfriend, family member, whatever) and see they get upset or rude about something then go around asking, "I met a guy at the coffee shop and he got really upset at something I thought was minor, is everyone in the whole world like that?".



Yes, very much so.

Evidently, BDSM is some kind of fringe activity. No matter how often we say it's not a special thing, and the people in it are no different than anyone else, there's always that aura of "outre". Those damn fetishists and their leather unnerpance!

Regarding asking how they got into kink... a good conversation starter, I guess. Does it matter a lot? I am one of those people that was genuinely pervy since birth, and never thought anything of it. Have I had traumatic events in my life? Certainly. More than some, less than others. Am I damaged? Depends on who you ask.



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