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JustDragonflies -> RE: Dealing with negative body image (9/20/2012 8:48:31 PM)
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Athena,
You've gotten lots of great advice from the posters thus far.
Take it all and see if you can find a way to work through your feelings.
But if you still can't, then I'd recommend doing some research on intimacy therapy and ways to regain a sense of comfort in your physical body.
Something comes to mind and goodness help me if people freak out about this comparison. A long time ago someone in the psychiatric community told me about a couples at home touch therapy to help survivors of bodily invasion and violence. Obviously pregnancy is NOT sexual assault, but I think that there are some similar elements in that your body may have unexpected reactions to a physical experience which does involve some trauma. In a nutshell, you lose control over your body.
The touch therapy (not necessarily it's official name, but what I'm calling it) goes something like this if I recall correctly: (I'd suggest researching this on your own or go to a counselor for additional guidance because this is a rough recollection on my part.)
You and your husband talk about your feelings and agree to the touch therapy and ideally, agree to hold off on physical intimacy for a few weeks until it's completed. He's your partner and in this lifestyle, an important role in assisting you to work through this challenge you're both facing. You need him.
After you two have talked about this and he's willing to proceed forward with a regular regime (as best as can be fitted into your New Parents schedule...) The next step is for you and he sit, fully clothed, in a comfortable position and don't touch. You do this every day or so until you feel completely comfortable just sitting there, with him. (This will probably be pretty fast for you but sometimes knowing what comes next leads to anxiety so be patient and wait that anxiety out and let it pass until you're utterly at ease.)
Then you and he do the same, only *somewhat* unclothed. Again, you do that every day or so until you relax and get comfortable. These steps should involve some level of emotionally intimacy. Talking and sharing love and support with one another. At this point the touch begins, but it shouldn't be overtly sexual. Just loving touch, comforting, non-sexual touch.
Once you're comfortable with that, get further undressed, but not necessarily naked and repeat. Once that feels comfortable, add more intimate touch, but nothing in whatever spots for you both are "the most sexual". The touch should just start to have a sensual element to it. Once you're comfortable being semi nude, it's time to move on.
Then go for nudity. Sit with him in loving, emotional intimacy but again, not overtly sexual exchanges. This may be the step you linger at the most since you're not actually having an issue with sexual touch, but rather physical exposure. Do this in low light, or whatever you need for you to be comfortable. Proceed with the sensual touching and the supportive, loving talk. (I suspect this stage will be the one that you two need to invest the most time in.)
Then start to challenge yourself, raise the lights or get into positions that feel more exposed/awkward for you personally. Continue with the sensual, but not directly sexual interactions. Continue with the loving, supportive talk. (So much of this isn't just about slowly exposing yourself to your fears but its about fostering understanding and support... gaining more firm knowledge of his love and support for you. And instead of avoiding these topics, facing them and knowing that he's with you, he loves you *exactly* how you are and that he appreciates and values the hardship you've accepted in order to bring your beloved child into this world, an act that would be impossible without your mutual love, respect and sacrifice.)
Once you feel comfortable and at ease with him while you're naked take some time to re-enforce the sense of safety and comfort with intimacy. Take a few days and gradually add more sexually explicit touch, orgasm and eventually full on sexual intercourse. Allow him to explore your body again like he's seeing it for the first time all over again, in a way he is. This is the new body that you're living in for the time being and it has new responses and new shapes and new lines to it. This is the body of not just a lover, but a mother, and it has (to me) a sacred role in life.
When you're in a very comfortable mind-set with your body and him.... start to slowly branch out. Bring mirrors into the bedroom or otherwise challenge your sense of being physically exposed. Because this isn't just about you and him. This is also about how you feel when you look at yourself and when you engage with the outside world. Start to take the lessons that you've learned through all that time spent with your loving husband and direct it outward. You're mother-role isn't just valuable to him, it's valuable to the world and it's an important shift in your identity. It will take time to learn about this new version of yourself.
And remember this final bit of eastern philosophy: change is simple, it is simply the act of adding to what is already there. All you're doing is teaching yourself something new about your body and your feelings by adding new interactions over the course of a few weeks (or however long you need). It won't happen instantly, but the way things are now are *not* the way they have to remain.
I hope you find peace in your skin. It's obvious, but clearly you're not alone in these experiences. :)
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