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MistressKel -> Greetings Folks. (9/21/2012 7:45:57 AM)
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After searching and reviewing many such forums and websites online, I found that the CollarMe.com forums seems to have more active boards, and those boards seem to have more legitimate posters (compared to the accusations of troll posts on other boards), so I figured I'd settle in for a while and see if this is the place I'm looking for right now.
Where we live, few people are open about alternative lifestyles--this makes it difficult to get help when I have questions that my boyfriend can't answer for me. My internet searching has made me realize that I really don't know myself much at all. Thus, I am here, hoping to gain knowledge from the people here who actually live the lifestyle and understand themselves, hoping that this will help me grow as a person, a submissive and eventually into the Domme that my boyfriend apparently see's in me.
As I understand it, I should tell you my background on this board so that it will help others help me and give them reference in the future. So, whilst this may be a bit longer than I'd like (probably WAY longer than you would like), I will post background that I feel may be relevant in the future. I apologize if you find it is too long, and I do appreciate that you're reading it in the first place!
I was raised with my real parents until I was 10. My mother was very submissive and wanted to have the 50's household. My dad was a nam vet, and a 1%er biker and wanted me to be more dominant like him. So, whilst I was actively learning to stand up for myself and be "strong", I was also learning to be submissive by my mother's example. What I didn't know until recently was that my mother was not submissive in the way that I thought--she hadn't surrendered herself to my dad...she was submissive as a manipulation technique. So, you're probably wondering what the heck this has to do with my being here in this forum...I'm not really sure to be honest.
My mother left my dad when I was 10 and married a guy who was a complete bully. He felt that because I was female and a child that I should not speak unless spoken to. I literally had to have permission to even say "good morning" to my mother! I was beaten regularly because I "couldn't shut my mouth" and I didn't "go with the flow" and because I was "bossy". I was angry because my mother left my dad, and got married 5 days after the divorce was final, and was being beaten all the time (as was I). And, I'm sure I lashed out. OK...enough of that. What I have recently realized in relation to this is that I was torn between being myself (which was quite domineering I've been told since) and being this little fluff ball that just did what she was told...this is now a huge factor in my life as a...a whatever it is I am.
At 15, I tried to tell my mother that I thought I was bisexual (I think I was in love with my bestfriend at the time) and she went off on a rant about how bisexuals were sick, they were greedy and selfish and wanted it all because they weren't content with just ONE sex...she confused me, embarassed me and humiliated me so much that I didn't bother to mention that I thought I was bisexual...I just walked away and avoided females as much as possible --including my best friend and my mother.
I ran away from that life at 16 and lived on the streets for about 10 years. I'd had many sexual experiences with men, and was submissive with most of them, I continued to have a huge disgust for females in any capacity. At about 24 years old, I met a "Dominatrix" who invited me to live with her. I don't remember how that all fell apart, other than her cutting my "slave's" arm wide open--taking out an entire chunk of flesh and when I stood up to her about it she was really mad...I do know that when I walked away from all of that, I felt that I had some experience as a Domme...HA!
So, I got into a 14 year relationship with a guy who is VERY vanilla and made me feel really weird about my own sexuality. Though I never even considered cheating on him with another male, he encouraged me to explore my interest in females when I met this female online and she kept pushing for a relationship with me. I liked her, it was very intriguing to me, and we eventually planned for her to move in with us. It never happened.
BUT...at that time, I told my dad and his girlfriend that I was bisexual. His girlfriend freaked out and started yelling at me. He told her to shut up and reminded her of a few of her experiences with other women and such. She just kept saying, "You are NOT gay...you just don't know how to have a friendship with a female--you NEVER hang out with girls!" After about 20 minutes of that, my dad asked me, "Do you have an interest in having SEX with females?" I looked at the ground and for the first time in my life, I lied to my father when I said "no". It was announced (by his girlfriend) that I was not gay, and my dad told me that even if I was, it was MY choice and he was cool with it.
OK, so in late 2010, I left my boyfriend. Got my own place for the first time in my life and was FREE of restraints...I partied, and had tons of friends...One guy in particular hung around me alot--I thought we were best friends--he did after all help me "escape" from my boyfriend. He was very dominant and I found myself submitting to it. No sex whatsoever, just submission to his demands and requests. It was rather natural and comforting to me for some reason. BUT, with anyone else, I was still very dominant. One day, I was kneeling on my bed, getting ready to sit down to watch tv and out of nowhere this guy kicked me in the chest, I flew backwards and landed on the floor on my elbow. It really messed up my arm and shoulder (there is even scar tissue there now) this caused me to start to lose respect for him and relationships in general. I began to isolate myself from almost everyone.
So, one day in March of 2011, when I was checking my email, I found a 2 month old message there from a dating site I had set up a profile on back in Oct. of 2010. Well, when I checked the email it was from a guy who seemed to have so many interests in common with me and we met and got along. I made clear to him that I DID NOT want a boyfriend. Period. he was ok with that. I had gotten really sick and he came over daily and took care of me. We ended up having a really exciting sexual relationship and he was very dominant with me in all the "right ways". This lead to that, and he ended up blackmailing me into at least giving him a chance (which we laugh about now). I gave in and started visiting him at his house as well. He knew exactly what to say and do to make me go wild--not just sexually. I felt alive for the first time in ages! It was so magical, and amazing to just hang out with him. He was in control without being mean or agressive and I thought it was fantastic. When he first told me he loved me I just cried and cried--because, for the first time in my entire life, I actually believed someone who said that. I KNEW he meant it.
He has been a slave, been a sub and been a professional Dom and a lifestyle Dom (I think that's what it's called). He is highly intelligent, and just awesome. When one of the females who I have known for a while expressed an interest in me sexually, he encouraged it. We all talked and the situation was approached in a way so that I didn't freak out about it all. I probably don't need to tell anyone how awesome it was to simply KISS a female. It was amazing for me...(even though after that she played that song I kissed a girl and would just giggle at me like crazy). Ok, enough of that because I don't want to get in trouble for trolling or anything. Point is, that now I KNOW that I am bisexual, I just have psychological issues that tend to make me ashamed of that. So, I'm working on that too.
Anyhow after I got upset last night he and I talked...he told me that I am actually a switch--which I kinda figured already from websites I'd read. And that he can not dominate me because he loves me, and that he wants me to be able to feel in control of my life. He said that bedroom domination is ok, and even good for us and me, but not 24/7 with me being his sub. This hurt me alot--I'm not sure why. I tried to be a Domme--and I've failed miserably. I manage to Domme great with people I know very well, but not in situations where I don't KNOW the person. Which, lead me to look around online to get advice and stuff like that. You know, to see if there were rules or something that would give me some starting point where I could feel confident being dominant. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and severe social phobia, but I'm not sure how much this is playing into my confusion and inhibitions.
Online, I've just found a bunch of elitests who seem to just insult people and tell them that they are trolls, or posers. I began to worry that maybe I'm just a poser (I don't think I'm a troll, but then I'm not real familiar with these types of communities and maybe I am and don't know it?). Last night, I just started feeling depressed and started crying. He talked to me for a while, and thinks that maybe seeking more information and help within the community may be a good idea. He says I am definately dominant, and that I just need confidence. To me, that means I need to learn as much as I can before I go taking some other person's life, feelings and such into my hands! What really worries me, is that after we talked for an hour or so, he said that he thinks that I'm actually looking to find someone who is into ummm...Masochism I think it was? Where I just want someone who I can hurt really bad. I don't think that's very cool...and if that is true, I don't think I feel very comfortable with being like that. Or maybe I'm just concerned that this is due to anger I feel inside rather than a desire to be a Domme... *sigh*
So...as you can see, I have some issues with being judgemental that I need to overcome, and also I have no damn clue what I want or need...I don't even know what options there are! I don't want to be out there just letting people boss me around because I can't take care of myself, and I dont' want to be out there beating people up just because I don't care about anyone but myself...I hope this makes sense to SOMEONE. I'm so confused that I just want to lock myself in a room and cry and sleep. I'm hoping that maybe I can become some part of this community (CollarMe.com) and can find my way to myself. I really want to be happy and my involvement with this lifestyle has seemed to have brought this happiness and comfort to me in the past.
Any suggestions, advice or criticism is more than welcomed...please, I really don't need someone to be out cold mean to me, I'm in a really confusing place right now and am trying to seek help and better myself here.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read this posting, and I look forward to meeting you here in the forums.
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