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What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 12:59:16 AM   
JustDragonflies


Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline 		I have kind of a few questions that I'd like to put forth to the public. I appreciate everyone's experiences who wants to share... but this is inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine and we were debating about the Male Perspective on this, so male Dominants... your input is especially appreciated.

I was discussing with this friend, someone that I know in the lifestyle who, due to past trauma, would have "spanking" as a pretty hard limit. She'd probably explain that while it is a hard limit, she's open to safe, slow, gradual attempts at working through it but would be quick to point out that if such attempts weren't successful that she'd need that door to be shut effectively because it would be too emotionally painful to deal with. Given that I know this individual to be fairly reasonable it would probably be something she'd be willing to revisit *years* later.

Supposing that this person is overall pretty awesome, has lots of other kinks which are absolutely NOT limits, loves to serve her owner, make them happy, is intelligent and cares about herself (and currently working through precisely these kinds of issues in therapy and is at a stable place in her life) and cares about the world and whatever general personality traits you'd think of as Super Awesome: Would this be a deal breaker for you? And if so/not: why?

My second question is this:

What kinds of limits, generally speaking, might be deal breakers for you and why?

A further twist, if you'd care to reveal this (and I know this is a bit pigeon-holey and that not everyone fits into such tidy "categories" and that even when they do, their perception of that category varies from person to person) is your opinion coming from a perspective where you seek out TPE relationships or is the concept of tpe/slave no-limits one that you're not interested in pursuing? What about those of you who engage in more casual play "sessions"?

Lastly, have any of you who prefer TPE accepted some kind of similar "limitation" on your partner's behalf? How did that work out?

Thanks for your insight!



ETA: Just in case it matters the "spanking" would be anything, hand or object impacting with the buttocks and only the butt.


< Message edited by JustDragonflies -- 9/22/2012 1:52:30 AM >
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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 2:19:38 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings,

My deal breaker would have the slave saying...no. I mean after speaking for a while, sharing emails, speaking on the phone for a year or so and meeting. Then knowing that I am not a fucken stupid dick, and we get together and she says ...no....then she would never see me again. Just my thought.

Frank.


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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 6:03:25 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I need spanking in my relationships. Period.

That said, if I knew your friend, I would be more than willing to get her to overcome her issues. I'd simply put her over my lap and caress her and talk to her and get her comfortable there. Later, I'd stroke her rump and get her used to contact, and then work up to pats. You get the idea.

I can't understand your question about a TPE relationship with limits. That's like a chastity relationship with sex - what defines a TPE relationship is the LACK of limits.

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 6:08:34 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
If your friend can't find a partner that is willing
to respect and work on her issues, then she
should keep looking.

Spanking, isn't any problem at all for me, it's a
very small part of my relationships, other people
may be more attached to it, I don't know.

I don't roleplay or scene, I don't use spanking as
a punishment anyway...

Your last question...
I can't really think of anytime I've
"accepted a limitation", I suppose you either want
to be with someone or you don't, if you do then you
make it work.

-Aries


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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 8:19:01 AM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		In my experience, someone with lots of limits is usually more of a bottom than a sub. Hence, they are incompatible with me.

Likewise, someone with lots of unresolved trauma is extremely unlikely to be a good fit for me. I wish them well, but helping them resolve their stuff (partic via kink) is waaaay above my pay grade.

As to the scenario where every other aspect of the relationship is "great" except for this niggling issue, I remain skeptical. I know too many couples who say stuff like "we're a fantastic couple, except we never have sex". It's just not believable.

In the past, when I have settled to be with partners on core issues (for me it would be obedience) it has always turned into mess.

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 9:47:33 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDragonflies



I was discussing with this friend, someone that I know in the lifestyle who, due to past trauma, would have "spanking" as a pretty hard limit. She'd probably explain that while it is a hard limit, she's open to safe, slow, gradual attempts at working through it but would be quick to point out that if such attempts weren't successful that she'd need that door to be shut effectively because it would be too emotionally painful to deal with. Given that I know this individual to be fairly reasonable it would probably be something she'd be willing to revisit *years* later.
Which is what I'd call a soft limit.

My hard limits are things that aren't ever going to change because I find them morally wrong or would do permanent damage. My soft limits are things that freak me out, but might be worked past.


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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 10:36:37 AM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline 		Greetings...

My deal breaker in all instances is lying. Deception [IE: lying] is unacceptable! Period! NO exceptions!

Without TRUST there is NO reason to consider past the point of discovering I've been deceived.

Most all else is negotiable, within reason of course.


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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 5:01:59 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		his limits are my limits. I brought none to the table when I met him. When we met we just communicated and got to know each other and found our limits to be similar so it became a null point.

Being his slave means that he does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants. If I refuse then I can expect consequences or I have the freedom to walk out the door.

Thankfully I trust him with my life so it's not really a concern to me and I really never even think about it.



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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/22/2012 5:51:42 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		My deal breakers:

Someone who doesn't make my heart go pitter patter, someone who isn't smart, lazy people who don't do much, people without passion, willfully ignorant / meanspirted people, anyone who wants to harm me.

There's probably more, but for now its what I'm thinking about it.

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 10:33:58 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		Greetings to the Free and the OP.

My deal breakers for my Gorean lifestyle are the same as for a vanilla lifestyle. I'm speaking of the moralities. For example, if a girl loves to be whipped or waxed or assume the nadu position but is dishonest and untrustworthy then those last two are deal breakers.

As long as she is honest and trustworthy then I can work with the rest.

She must also be virgin. Serious.

Well wishes,
Arturas

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 3:14:44 PM   
JustDragonflies


Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline 		DarkSteven,

I agree with you on the definition of TPE involving no-limits. But people adjust to things occasionally and accept certain things as off limits, not necessarily due to a dictation on the submissive's part but the Dominant believing that something will do more harm than good for a certain person so they accept that limitation and essentially set that limit themselves. I'm sure there are other circumstances that motivate TPE individuals to justify certain limitations on a person's part... I am just curious about how that might have panned out for them. :)

Aries83,

That's kind of my thinking as well. Sometimes the value of a person as a whole being with integrity seems to be more meaningful than them being exactly as one would prefer.

OsideGirl,

I hesitated to call it a soft limit given that experience might evolve it into a harder and harder limit, opposed to something that is actually worked through, but yeah, I do essentially agree that since she'd be open to The Right Person in The Right Way (her sense of "right") trying to help her work past it... it's more soft than hard. Personally, as a Dominant who loves TPE, soft limits are things that I can work through and feel comfortable with. Some individuals expect a person to come to them completely open, but I personally don't mind helping someone evolve and open up fully. That's a little more exciting for me. (And for the record, no it doesn't always work out well, but occasionally it does- which is spectacular!)

Salinedion,

Your post was interesting in that you kind of started to generalize here. Lots of limits aren't the issue that I'm trying to explore. Naturally most dominants wouldn't be thrilled with that. But... ONE limit or a couple even, with some deep background information might be different.



My real curiosity was in how attached people were to a given *act*. For some people the act and the meaning behind it are clearly the most valuable or necessary, for others the person they're bonding with is more significant than the physical manifestation of certain power exchanges.

I'm still very interested in other's opinions and experiences!

(Oh, and if anyone was curious... this friend of mine with the limit, she doesn't actually seek TPE herself and understands that it's not for her. My thoughts and curiosities are philosophical in nature without this being a direct example.)

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 3:42:27 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		The only specific thing that I would avoid a relationship over, kink/BDSM/PE-wise, it lack of service.

Any power exchange relationship I am in has to involve service to some extent. The more the better.

In fact, this is the same for my vanilla relationships. I've never had a really emotionally close relationship with ANYONE who didn't already serve me in some capacity.

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 3:54:12 PM   
JustDragonflies


Posts: 50
Joined: 3/30/2012
Status: offline 		RumpusParable,

Now that's really interesting on it's own. Kind of a tangent, but why do you think that is, in regard to not being emotionally close without service in some capacity? And does it extend to platonic relationships too?

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 4:45:29 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDragonflies

RumpusParable,

Now that's really interesting on it's own. Kind of a tangent, but why do you think that is, in regard to not being emotionally close without service in some capacity? And does it extend to platonic relationships too?


I guess some would phrase it as "one of her primary love languages is acts of service". I'd just phrase it as "I like having things done for me". I feel appreciated when someone does something for me.

The main reason I'm married to my husband is that he kissed my ass and waited on me from day one, starting the day we met. It's also the main reason I keep him. If he'd otherwise been him but without the personality of showing interest and affection through service, he wouldn't have become my best friend and then later lover and husband. He would've stayed a guy I got along with and worked in the same shop as. We wouldn't have cliqued in any way, on my end.

Likewise, from the other direction, he wouldn't be with me if I didn't readily receive service *from* him. It's his primary way of expressing affection and feeling useful.

As with that example, it's absolutely the case with platonic partners (friends, co-workers, subs, slaves..) of any sort. I like them better and feel more liked when a person does things for me... If they don't serve me in some way I don't establish an emotional connection at all with a person, light or intense.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 5:09:49 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		The main question seems moot, as the only reason spanking would be a deal breaker is if it were required. So, is it required, I can see (I myself don't) but the why/why not part seems too evident.

I don't know of any limits I would call deal breakers, but I'm sure it's possible. From a TPE perspective I have had relationships with slaves fail over circumstances, but not service. (One was married.)





< Message edited by RemoteUser -- 9/23/2012 5:10:06 PM >

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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/23/2012 6:05:14 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

Greetings to the Free and the OP.

My deal breakers for my Gorean lifestyle are the same as for a vanilla lifestyle. I'm speaking of the moralities. For example, if a girl loves to be whipped or waxed or assume the nadu position but is dishonest and untrustworthy then those last two are deal breakers.

As long as she is honest and trustworthy then I can work with the rest.

She must also be virgin. Serious.

Well wishes,
Arturas


eerr....you don't find too many subs do ya?



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RE: What kinds of limits are deal breakers for you? - 9/25/2012 8:17:17 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A spanko might not be interested in someone with spanking as a limit. A bondage top probably wouldn't be compatible with someone who hated bondage and found it set off their claustrophobia.

Now The Man's a bondage top and I hard limit inverted suspension. It's never going to happen because it will set off an attack of vertigo. But that's just one small segment of bondage and leaves enough that we can still do so it isn't an issue.

And despite me arguing with him about stuff, he really does always get his way. But TPE or not, my vertigo isn't something he can control. So whether I say it's a hard limit or a medical problem that impacts play, the result is the same.

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