It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life style

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It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life style - 6/13/2006 7:19:01 AM

chains314

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Joined: 3/11/2006
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When i first got into this life style sex was taboo in it now it seems it is a major part of it, what has changed , Should it even be part of it . I don't think so Thats just my opinion for what its worth .

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 7:46:23 AM

MistressLorelei

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I don't think there is a 'should' or a shouldn't... it's all a personal thing. Why should I care if others I am not involved with are sexual, or not. If being in bdsm and including sex (I assume you mean intercourse) is something that makes bdsm more fulfilling to you... then include it. If bdsm is a 'lifestyle', most involved in it are not A-sexual (though some are), so sex would likely, in some way, play a role.

I think chastity and little, if any sexual contact with a submissive is the way I perceieve bdsm as fulfilling to me. But on the other hand... my relationship(s) would include sex in some configuration. I prefer not to remain chaste myself.

(in reply to chains314)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 7:51:53 AM

MistressOfGa

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chains314

When i first got into this life style sex was taboo in it now it seems it is a major part of it, what has changed , Should it even be part of it . I don't think so Thats just my opinion for what its worth .

Hi Chains314,
I am not sure what has changed, but I do feel that you make your relationships any way that you want them to be. There are many out there who feel the same way. IMO, sex is an important part of my D/s relationship. I love sex and I love to play, so yes, I would want a submissive who wants the same things that I do. I don't want to have to change him or try to make him any different than what he is when I meet him. If anything, I would want to enhance his qualities that I find attractive to begin with. You, on the other hand, do not want sex to play any part of your D/s dynamic, so you would focus your search on finding a Dominant who feels the same way you do. I know many Doms who are not interested in having a sexual submissive. I wouldn't worry about what others are doing, just be true to yourself and what you want. Good luck to you

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(in reply to chains314)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 7:53:21 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressLorelei

I don't think there is a 'should' or a shouldn't... it's all a personal thing. Why should I care if others I am not involved with are sexual, or not. If being in bdsm and including sex (I assume you mean intercourse) is something that makes bdsm more fulfilling to you... then include it. If bdsm is a 'lifestyle', most involved in it are not A-sexual (though some are), so sex would likely, in some way, play a role.

I think chastity and little, if any sexual contact with a submissive is the way I perceieve bdsm as fulfilling to me. But on the other hand... my relationship(s) would include sex in some configuration. I prefer not to remain chaste myself.

This is much the same for me but I'll explain my motivations a bit further.

I get off (not necessarily in the sexual sense) on the authority that I have in these relationships. I feel most comfortable and most myself when I have this authority and can make decisions as I see fit and when I see fit. This includes sex.

However, I also come from a biological family where birth control methods, even surgical ones, have a bad record. I have no interest in having a child, certainly not one with anyone other than my husband so traditional sexual intercourse is not going to happen. I consider using condoms and things of this nature to be good precautions for disease but not for pregnancy.

In terms of disease I can also have myself and partners tested and we can take steps to lessen the risk. But that risk is always there.

Therefore I must very very secure and very safe with anyone I have any type of sex with.

When I train I tell people we will not have sex, I will not see you naked for at least the first several sessions if ever.

This isn't about sex for me, this is about authority and service.

That said, yes, I do have some types of sex with my slave Fox because he has proven and we have proven collectively that it is worth the above risks.

_____________________________

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TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MistressLorelei)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 8:25:10 AM

Proprietrix

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From: Ohio/West Virginia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chains314
When i first got into this life style sex was taboo in it now it seems it is a major part of it, what has changed

Nothing has changed. You’re just learning that there are people in the world who didn’t learn the lifestyle the same way you did.

There is a common misconception that "the lifestyle" "used to be"what it was when we learned about it.
It’s not really true.
There didn’t used to be one lifestyle. While gay leathermen were doing one thing, European brothels were doing another, and vampyric sects were doing another. But all were practicing different elements of the lifestyle.
We each learned from a particular group, what their values and beliefs were at that particular time.

A young runaway girl in the late 80s gets mixed up with some hard core S&M coke heads in New York and is exposed to a lot of nonconsensual and unsafe BDSM. She looks back in 2006 and tends to say "The lifestyle used to dangerous."
A college age hippy picks up a John Norman book in the 70s, joins a little Gorean club, and from there on lives a Gorean lifestyle with his slaves. In 2006 he looks back and says "The lifestyle used to have only slaves, not submissives."
A girl is trained as a servant in a high protocol sexual coven. She thinks the lifestyle "used to have a lot more spirituality."
All of these people were legitimately educated in the lifestyle in one way or another. They all had an in-group of peers who reinforced their belief system. They had a set of rules to live by. And they were unaware that there were people across the globe, engaging in similar BDSM activities, with a completely different belief system.

It’s not that sex used to be taboo in the lifestyle and now that has changed. It’s that in your growth and your exposure to the lifestyle, within your peer group, and according to those who taught you their ways – sex was taboo. At the exact same time you were learning that belief, there was someone, somewhere else, learning that this lifestyle is all about kinky sex, orgies, and hedonism.

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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to chains314)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 8:44:20 AM

DiannaVesta

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From: Mid-Atlantic area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

It’s not that sex used to be taboo in the lifestyle and now that has changed. It’s that in your growth and your exposure to the lifestyle, within your peer group, and according to those who taught you their ways – sex was taboo. At the exact same time you were learning that belief, there was someone, somewhere else, learning that this lifestyle is all about kinky sex, orgies, and hedonism.

Thank you this is very true. Its all a matter of preception. Its not ONLY about sex but for some its all about sex. Whatever floats your boat.

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 8:51:25 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear chains314, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I agree the scene has changed over the last 30 plus years for me.

However, I believe you mean the 'focus' has changed as well as the 'tolerance' of things have changed.

It is no different for living life. Our Grandparents had a hissy fit about their kids and that generation. Our parents did the same with us and we're doing the exact same thing. It is called evolution.

Sex sells dear lad. Unfortunately, the question is --at what cost to the lifestyle at large.

Nobody wants to read a dry book of how much hard work and little 'action' in the dungeon. Each generation is more addicted to excitement, the rush and such. So, people have come exposed to the lifestyle through sex themes. They have fantasy dreams of the lifestyle and become disenchanted with it just as quick. Even vanilla porn effects people this way.

But, as history repeats itself, just in a different sway; I am seeing more interest in the newest generation and or "guard" in service instead of sex. We all are riding the swing through history in this time and place.
The 'guards' will change, as the "old guards" retire.

When they get more seasoned sex will no longer be the focus but, the entire life's choice.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to chains314)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 8:58:55 AM

Lashra

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Personally in my relationship I want the sex and the service, they are intergrated and I don't want one without the other. For ME and mine that works, for others it may not. Its all boils down to the individual/couple.

~Lashra

(in reply to LadyHugs)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 9:32:17 AM

chastesubbie

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I believe that what is or is not sexual in a D/s relationship is something that is subjectively defined by the partners. I have talked to or read the profiles of many Dominant Women, and many of them state that sex (i.e. intercourse) would be required of their submissive, if for no other reason than they simply enjoy fucking and want to be fucked by their sub. . Others state that their submissive(s) will never have intercourse with them and that they prefer to be pleasured by other means (cuckholding, oral service, etc.). At the end of the day, in a Domme/male submissive relationship, it is what the Woman wants that counts. A male submissive should obtain his satisfaction in knowing She is fullfilled sexually in whatever manner She chooses.

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 11:21:47 AM

sublace

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The sex and being used for it like a slut is the reason I'm here. I'm still providing the service, but I want to be used to please my Master/Mistress and anyone else they want me too. Forcing me to be a slut and using me as such is how I desire to be controlled. Now if I could just find someone who will do that to me.

sublace

(in reply to Lashra)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 11:56:45 AM

spankmepink11

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Maybe i am misunderstanding the OP, in what way was sex taboo? No sex during a "scene"?... In a public dungeon,? At play parties?...or within the context of the actual D/s relationship? I've been to dungeons, play parties and other events, and have never witnessed anyone having sex in those venues. (i'm sure there is much that i have yet to see, the above just speaks of my limited experience) Except one....and that was a "play party" geared more specifically to sex rather than BDSM.
Sex , for me, is a major part of a relationship be it vanilla or D/s.

I think Proprietrix was correct in her assessment

(in reply to sublace)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 12:12:27 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chains314
When i first got into this life style sex was taboo in it now it seems it is a major part of it, what has changed , Should it even be part of it . I don't think so Thats just my opinion for what its worth .

I personally thank God for the change than. Yes I seek a service oriented sub/slave, but if he's unwilling or unable to deliver sexually when I ask/need, we will have a problem, and frankly, if not for the sex, I have little interest in this lifestyle... Indeed it is about what makes me tick in life/sexually. M

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(in reply to chains314)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 12:29:26 PM

perverseangelic

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~shrug~ 'spose it depends on the people. For my Owner, this -is- sexual. There's no other componant to it. It's the way he gets his sexual fufilment with me. He knows that for me there are other aspects, and is working on learning to understand them--he already enjoys accepting them, but doesn't quite "get" the non-sexual parts that are important to me.

Frankly, I could care less if it's non-sexual or 100% sexual, so long as I find a partner whose level I'm compatable with.

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(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 1:00:33 PM

Chakota

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One must be ever conscious of the fact sex is not limited to just the physical.

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 1:05:12 PM

OnyxGoddess

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not sexual for us. i have 3 subs where there is no sexual intercourse involved. oral service IF i ask. which i rarely do. but there are other things that i get out of the exchange being pampered, little worship (blasphemous i know) or with one of them he likes to just spend money and take me to dinner now and again in exchange for a spanking. i think the only thing really that has changed has been communication and information. there is MORE of it. i could be wrong.

(in reply to perverseangelic)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 1:38:48 PM

HouseofBear

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For us, we emphasize the relationship itself, and service is a huge factor. Sexual service or activity and the play are things that lend icing to the cake. However, at least for us, there has to be a foundation for that icing.

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/13/2006 2:19:13 PM

MistressTheaZ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: chastesubbie

I believe that what is or is not sexual in a D/s relationship is something that is subjectively defined by the partners. I have talked to or read the profiles of many Dominant Women, and many of them state that sex (i.e. intercourse) would be required of their submissive, if for no other reason than they simply enjoy fucking and want to be fucked by their sub. . Others state that their submissive(s) will never have intercourse with them and that they prefer to be pleasured by other means (cuckholding, oral service, etc.). -snip-

Agreed.

With all My past submissives, part of My enjoyment within the relationship included emphasizing the absence of sexual contact between Us within cuckolding and chastity. It fit them and it fit Me. I had no desire for any sexual contact with them; really, I just couldn't have imagined it at the time.

A few years passed, interests evolve, and people grow.

I've found a more recent playmate with whom I felt unusually moved to change My parameters. Including sexual aspects within play came very naturally with him. Thinking a bit on how it all transpired up to this point, I would feel unfulfilled if this was not a part of the relationship.

Perhaps some subs can sweeten even the most sour Sadist? I would venture to think it's all very individually defined as to how one strikes us and where W/we can see that relationship going within O/our own individual and collective comfort zones.

~Thea

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -Hector Berlioz

(in reply to chastesubbie)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/14/2006 6:48:51 PM

submaleca2000

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i think sex in my opinion is all part of d/s, it is a part of being collared and in symbol, it s a relationship that is taking place.

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/14/2006 11:28:17 PM

MistressTheaZ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: submaleca2000

i think sex in my opinion is all part of d/s, it is a part of being collared and in symbol, it s a relationship that is taking place.

Which is why considering mutual feelings toward the nature and definition of what a 'D/s relationship' really means to each personal involved is so important when looking for a match. Obviously, My previous style wouldn't have suited you, but the lack of sexual contact had no bearing on the depth and involvement in the relationship overall.

It may just be I'm experiencing a newly found level of twitterpation with this playmate, who knows?

In any case, what works for you, works for you. :) Find someone on the same wavelength and run with it!

~Thea

(in reply to submaleca2000)

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RE: It seems sex has replaced service in the D,s life s... - 6/14/2006 11:32:02 PM

FelinePersuasion

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Bdsm and D/s should have anythingi n the world the two participants want to have providing it is not harming someone unconsentually or illegal or if it is illegal let it be something that the law is stupid about like anal sex.

Yes there's a law against anal sex in some states.

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