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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: I don't mean to come off as strange (9/30/2012 11:22:59 PM)
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I have to agree with you LadyP - why should she be the one who changes?
OP - it's hard to imagine being completely vanilla when you're not. I know that. Submission is a big part of your romantic/sexual expression and it means so much to you it's hard to empathise with your wife wanting nothing to do with it. But think of it this way. Imagine if she desperately wanted you to be the dom. Think how hard it would be for you to take on that role. Think how unappealing it sounds to you. That's probably how your wife feels. Added to that, she might well feel badly treated since you knew she wasn't dominant, married her anyway, and then want her to change. She's also probably seen some unrealistic femdom porn and thinks you want her to strut around calling you a worm, sitting on your face and wielding a riding crop whilst you grovel and shiver. She may be worried that's how you'd expect life to be all of the time (you don't expect that? right? because if you think that's how this works, we have more to talk about).
Now that said, I do believe people in a healthy relationship should compromise and meet each other's needs as much as possible. Chances are, she will never be a full time domme. She probably just doesn't have that type of personality. But she may well learn to enjoy the occasional scene. I'm submissive all the way through, but if it was important to my husband, I could make the act convincing for a couple of hours every few weeks.
But you have to make it worth her while. Do as much housework as you possibly can. No one is horny when they feel they're doing all the work. Treat her like an angel - cook for her, give her massages, watch her shows without complaint, run errands (you'd be doing all these things as her sub anyway). Plan little surprises to let her know she's loved WITHOUT the expectation of kinky sex in return. Like lizi says - the more appreciated she feels, the more inclined she will be to go outside her comfort zone for you.
If she does agree to try it, let it go at her pace. You've probably being masturbating to this fantasy for years and have a clear idea of how it will go. It won't go like that. The point of submitting is you do the things SHE wants to do. She gets to say when it starts, when it stops, what she's willing to do. You don't get to moan and whinge or push for more. You don't get to complain or hint for more. If you do, it will just put her off. Afterwards, you should thank her sincerely for trying for you, and talk about what worked and what didn't. You don't say 'you should have beaten me harder' or 'why didn't you make me lick your boots?' but you can say 'it was exciting for me when you did this, how did you feel about it'. Let her find her own feet and see what she enjoys. Let her stop at any point with no fear of sulking. She might not want to spank you and tie you up - she might want you to rub her feet for an hour. The whole point of this is to show her that a) some parts can be fun for her and b) you're an awesomely good sport, so it might not be that bad after all.
But even if she is willing to do that for you, be realistic. Don't get so excited you forget that she likes vanilla sex. You shouldn't be asking for this every time, or even most of the time. Make sure her needs are more than being met. Again - imagine if she wanted you to be the dom - you'd get pretty pissed off if that's all she ever asked for and you never got your time, right?
I'm not saying this will work, but I believe if you approach it in a low-pressure and loving way,you might be able to reach some kind of compromise over time (over a long time). If that's not enough, maybe you should think about letting her go so she can find someone who meets her needs.
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