Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

I don't mean to come off as strange


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> I don't mean to come off as strange Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/29/2012 10:52:30 PM   
P08C


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/29/2012
Status: offline 		Sorry if this post sounds strange but it is me letting out all the things I have held in for a long time.

I am a married male wishing to have a mistress to guide my life and serve. I love my wife very much and have expressed these wishes to her but it isn't really something that she wants. Sure I have a lot of fetishes and such but that isn't the reason I post here. I am submissive and want a woman to take advantage of me and use me as she wishes. I don't know what this will lead to but I am willing to let it go as far as it needs to go.

Have any of you mistresses dealt with this kind of situation? How can I make my desire a reality? I really don't know what to do here and need some guidance. Please help...I need to serve and I need to be guided. I need to know that I have a mistress that will take care of me and hold me when I am scared and give me punishment when I deserve it. I need to be someone's possession.

I hope this makes sense and that you understand. I hope I don't come across as strange. I really am a good person...just a little lost.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 12:32:13 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Is your wife on board with you seeking a Mistress? Because if not, that's called cheating, even if you're not getting your kink fulfilled at home. Very very few dominant women want to get involved with that, and the ones that do? Might not be the kind of person you want to get involved with.

Morals aside, I know I wouldn't want to be anyone's second choice. I need to be in a relationship where I am the person's first priority, and you just can't have that when another person is married. You get the leftovers, at best. Limited time together, never there on special occasions, calls only at certain times of the day. For me 'Mistress' and 'possession' suggests a pretty deep connection. You don't really own something if you can only have contact with it every now and again. Your wife will always have first dibs on you.

Now if your wife is supporting you in getting these desires met elsewhere, then you and the women can sit down together and work out something that is fair to everyone and it might work. But it is hard, and only a small minority of people have that type of relationship. Yes, it's possible, but you will need to work damn hard.

Also, while we're on it, you need to sell yourself more in your profile. Male subs are very common round here. Female dommes are not. You need to say something about you as a person, rather than just state you want a Mistress.

How long have you been married? I find it sad that you're only 25 and already your marriage isn't meeting your needs. Did you not know these things about yourself when you got married? It can't have been that long ago.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 12:58:44 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The short answer is yes, I have.

Are you interested in the long answer?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 6:48:24 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		What does the Mistress get out of it? A fixer upper? Seriously, what does she get out of the guiding and assuring? If you're about to say she gets to use you or have your devotion...that's not particularly rare, and you have to go home to your wife at some point. You sound like a project, I'd think if someone were to put in a lot of effort, then they'd want you around on a more consistent basis.

Your needs sound very important to you, so much so that you are "willing to let it go as far as it needs to go." Feeling so strongly about wanting to be someone's possession doesn't make any sense knowing that you chose to get married - you must have known about your sexual identity prior to that event. Looking around for someone else to fulfill you and fix your problems really doesn't work.

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 12:17:03 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: P08C

I don't know what this will lead to but I am willing to let it go as far as it needs to go.


Are you willing to get a divorce? Because why should someone make you her priority when she's just an option to you every time you're consumed by sub-frenzy?

quote:

I hope this makes sense and that you understand. I hope I don't come across as strange. I really am a good person...just a little lost.


Oh, I think most of us understand you perfectly. There is an epidemic of men in your situation. You knowingly made vows of fidelity to someone who doesn't meet your needs and now you want to have your cake and eat it too. What's strange about that? People do (or attempt to do) selfish, deceitful things all the time. That doesn't make it acceptable.

I'm resigned to expecting your story from MUCH older men whose excuses are often from a completely different era. <Insert whiny voice here> "I didn't KNOW I needed a dominant woman when I married her 40 years ago." "How was I supposed to figure out I was submissive? No internet in those days!" (Like D/s hasn't been around for millenniums.) But from you, a young man in this day and age with infinite access to information? Why did you marry someone who wasn't compatible?

As for what to do, I see a few options:

1. Ask your wife's permission to see a pro-domme. Offer that you and she (wife) will meet the pro-domme together so that you're all on the same page with what's OK to do and what isn't. Many women are threatened by the fear that you will get emotionally attached to someone else; in general pro-dommes don't return that dynamic and are well-equipped to deal with people in your situation. Do the right thing and offer to contribute the same amount of $$ that your session costs so your wife can do something special for herself too. Maybe there are needs of HERS that aren't being met. It doesn't get to be all about you.

2. Wait for hell to freeze over to find someone who will tolerate your situation. Good feckin' luck there. There are so many guys in your shoes and so few women (dominant or not) who would be willing to play your game that I hope you have some comfortable sneakers on as you wait in line...and wait...and wait.

3. Break your wife's heart, get a divorce, take time out to discover in every respect who you truly are as a person, sort out what you need from what you waaaaaaaaaaant, then completely start over from an honest perspective.

As far as your being a 'good guy': I don't think you're a bad guy for wanting what you want, but your neediness and sense of entitlement is quite off-putting. Now run along and work on option #1. Best of luck to you and your wife.


< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 9/30/2012 12:22:57 PM >

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 12:59:49 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Is it just me or does anyone else get a "I want to be taken advantage of/blackmailed by a transgendered woman" fantasy vibe here?

OP, it's not good enough for most Mistresses to say that your wife is ok with it. You should be prepared that the Mistress will want to meet with and speak to your wife without you. Those of us who are accepting of married subs ideally want to be friends with the subs' partner/s, and if that isn't happening, then at least we want to verify for ourselves that everyone is ok with it. Also be warned that there is a fairly limited number of Mistresses willing to be a secondary partner, which is again where the Mistress will want some kind of direct communication with your wife in order to establish boundaries.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 2:59:16 PM   
hauser


Posts: 27
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline 		Do you have children? Is your wife willing to have an open marriage, one where you can go out and get your needs taken care of elsewhere, and so can she? It would only be fair that she could take on a lover if you choose to take on a "Mistress". You asked the question, NO, I do get involved with people that are seeking release for their kinky fetishes behind their wife's, and even husband's, backs. I'm not interested in that. If you are not free to be with me, I have no use for you. If you are looking to use me to cheat on your wife, I have no respect for you. Be patient with your wife. Treat her like a Queen. Do the housework for her. Show her how wonderful it could be for her if she were to "cross over" and fulfill your fantasies and needs. Don't pester her, just go over-board in pampering her. She may very well come around on her own and give you what you want.

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:12:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hauser

Do you have children? Is your wife willing to have an open marriage, one where you can go out and get your needs taken care of elsewhere, and so can she? It would only be fair that she could take on a lover if you choose to take on a "Mistress". You asked the question, NO, I do get involved with people that are seeking release for their kinky fetishes behind their wife's, and even husband's, backs. I'm not interested in that. If you are not free to be with me, I have no use for you. If you are looking to use me to cheat on your wife, I have no respect for you. Be patient with your wife. Treat her like a Queen. Do the housework for her. Show her how wonderful it could be for her if she were to "cross over" and fulfill your fantasies and needs. Don't pester her, just go over-board in pampering her. She may very well come around on her own and give you what you want.


I wish more people thought this way instead of jumping to the conclusion instantly that going outside the marriage is the answer. My ex husband once sent me in to take an afternoon nap while he took care of our three children. I woke up to delicious smells from the kitchen and him humming in the background while the house was otherwise silent. How shocking and unusual! He'd taken the kids to my Moms and prepared a gourmet meal for me with flowers on the table. I'm talking special trips to 3 different markets for a seafood bonanza.

I looked around in wonderment, he then sent me in to take a bath and got me a glass of wine to take in with me. When I got out I then proceeded to fuck him silly on the kitchen floor. I was overcome with gratitude. That day bought him a lot of currency over the years. It's amazing what you can do when you give things an honest try.

(in reply to hauser)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:13:32 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		And you're not even a domly dom, Lizi!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:24:32 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

And you're not even a domly dom, Lizi!



I know! Go figure!

I'm tellin ya, I'd have done ANYTHING for him that day and many days/years after for doing things to take care of me and our offspring. He was very good to me. Every time he took the kids out to give me a break, every time he helped out around the house, every time he put up with my family....we had a good marriage for a very long time. We still have a great relationship and he still does things for me including supporting me while I'm in school. And I don't even ask for it! He insists and does things like asking how my vehicle is holding up just in case he needs to get me something newer to get to school in. I don't have to worry about his intentions, they always were, and are now, for my best interest. He never cheated on me and neither did I, we were both all in, and it was good.

Ya know, I wish more people would treasure the person they are with and let them know that. There would be a hell of a lot more happy husbands because women all over would fecking do whatever the guys wanted! Mine could have said dress up like a penguin and eat girl scout cookies on the front lawn, and I would have! Gladly! If he'd wanted me to spank him I'd have said get your ass over here pronto. I mean come on, work on what you have, it's going to be a hell of a lot easier than finding it somewhere else.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:28:01 PM   
Ninebelowzero


Posts: 3134
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline 		Lol Lizi I went 47 months without a fuck before I puled the pin on the marriage, just in case it could be repaired, now we get on brilliantly It's a shitter that we had to split to get to that stage.

What a waste.

_____________________________

More come backs than Frank Sinatra

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:35:17 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Well nine, I for one feel strongly that some couples do better on all fronts as divorced parents than they do as couples. The only shame and waste of it would have been nothing working out at all.

(in reply to Ninebelowzero)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:41:16 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ninebelowzero

Lol Lizi I went 47 months without a fuck before I puled the pin on the marriage, just in case it could be repaired, now we get on brilliantly It's a shitter that we had to split to get to that stage.

What a waste.



Gotcha beat. I went 60 months without before he asked for a separation. I was still wanting to work on things and would probably have never left, but it's what he wanted so...what could I do? It never got really bad but there were issues.

Actually though, I call our relationship a success. It was a success while we were married, it's successful now. It's not a failed relationship. Mostly because we treated each other respectfully, and have each other's best interest at heart. I regret very much that I lost the marriage, but I didn't lose the relationship and I'm really glad to see you didn't either Niney. When there are kids involved, it's easier on them, and on you, if you can respect their other parent without having to work at it.

(in reply to Ninebelowzero)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:50:13 PM   
Ninebelowzero


Posts: 3134
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline 		Good on you.Lizi.

_____________________________

More come backs than Frank Sinatra

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 3:54:38 PM   
hauser


Posts: 27
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline 		Lizi, I am so taken by what you have written in this thread. You have my total respect.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 4:13:46 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you so very much and I appreciate you saying so, but I'm not sure I deserve that.

When I graduate in May the ex will be there, with the sons, and the boyfriend (who happens to be my Dominant). It's going to seem a bit odd to have our particular configuration present, and I'm not sure what my classmates and teachers will think- but hey, if you treat people respectfully and there is nothing to hide from each other, then maybe you get to redefine what successful relationships look like.

(in reply to hauser)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 4:16:35 PM   
P08C


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/29/2012
Status: offline 		You all are absolutely right (I'm sure you know that). Like I said, I'm not trying to come off with any sort of "vibe" I just wanted to vent somewhere and express the feelings on my mind. I love my wife very much and although, by the nature of my post and being on this site in general, I would NEVER cheat on her. I just want to learn how to bring her around to take her spot as the leader in our relationship. I do chores and nice things for her (I could probably do more) and I slowly let her in on my feelings. I'm sorry if I came across as deceitful but that is not really who I am. Anyway, thanks for all the advice.

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 5:32:14 PM   
SpyUnderCover


Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: P08C

You all are absolutely right (I'm sure you know that). Like I said, I'm not trying to come off with any sort of "vibe" I just wanted to vent somewhere and express the feelings on my mind. I love my wife very much and although, by the nature of my post and being on this site in general, I would NEVER cheat on her. I just want to learn how to bring her around to take her spot as the leader in our relationship. I do chores and nice things for her (I could probably do more) and I slowly let her in on my feelings. I'm sorry if I came across as deceitful but that is not really who I am. Anyway, thanks for all the advice.


P08C,

The idea of "bringing her around" raises a red flag for me. It implies that a) there's something "wrong" with who she is now, and b) she needs to get a clue so you can get your freak on. She might never "come around" to dominating you the way you want, if at all. It could be it's just not her thing.

On the other hand, I think there is a lot to be said for a guy with submissive leanings "serving" his wife via housework, pampering, and general chivalry. That's a good place to start if you want to submit to her, and sets a good example when you sit down and explain to her how you feel, and what it is you'd like.

I think a lot more women would be open to dominating if femdom weren't tainted with the stereotypes from porn and such. Because you will probably be her first genuine exposure to D/s, it's on you to be the example of how a real-life submissive treats his lady.

Akasha has written some great stuff on female domination, some of it directed toward men and some toward women. I highly recommend it. When the time is right, and if your wife seems at all receptive, you might want to read it and discuss it with her. (And here is Part Two.)

Remember, if your motive is truly to serve your wife, then it's got to be about her, not about you or what you want. She might want you to "serve her" by having you make the decisions or take the lead some of the time. If that's what she wants, that's what she ought to get.

I wish you luck. It might not turn out exactly as you envision it, but you never know till you talk honestly and openly. And don't nag! You may not get all of your needs met or fantasies realized, but you could get some of them. Or, to paraphrase the Rolling Stones, you may not get exactly what you want, but you just might get what you need.

Spy

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 5:42:50 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: P08C

I just want to learn how to bring her around to take her spot as the leader in our relationship.


You can't 'learn' how to make her 'take her spot' as the leader. She will only go there if she wants to. You've already asked and she said she wasn't interested. Now what are you planning to do?

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I don't mean to come off as strange - 9/30/2012 6:18:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: P08C

You all are absolutely right (I'm sure you know that). Like I said, I'm not trying to come off with any sort of "vibe" I just wanted to vent somewhere and express the feelings on my mind. I love my wife very much and although, by the nature of my post and being on this site in general, I would NEVER cheat on her. I just want to learn how to bring her around to take her spot as the leader in our relationship. I do chores and nice things for her (I could probably do more) and I slowly let her in on my feelings. I'm sorry if I came across as deceitful but that is not really who I am. Anyway, thanks for all the advice.
Well, here's a thought.....

How about she "bring you around" to her fucking feelings of being vanilla? That she NEVER wants to do what you want to do because she is happy with equality in a relationship? As much as there is bitching because she doesn't want to be the leader, WTF happened to you being masculine in her eyes????

Look. This bullshit that people come here with about "they have needs" and "change the vanilla partner to suit" is such hypocritical bullshit that some willingly accept blindness so they can't see it.

Don't come here thinking all kinky people are going to back you because we default to the kinky person's position. Yeah, some people fall for that, But I don't.

That vanilla chick has every fiber's worth of being who she is and what she wants as you do.

And, I'm even willing to bet that you are the one who pretended to be vanilla (rather than her pretending to be kinky) so that a certain bait and switch could be pulled.

Perhaps, that is a concept that should be thought of very hard and very long.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to P08C)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> I don't mean to come off as strange Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094