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ShadeDiva -> RE: Me and Masochism (11/8/2004 6:10:51 PM)
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I identify as being a heavy masochist.
I do not get aroused from pain, but I do enjoy it.
I'm not entirely sure, but that might be in part to the fact that I can actually control how my nerves perceive pain, even extreme pain, in fact the more extreme it is, the easier I can channel and process it. If I have no warmup, it is harder to do, but I can attain it, with a warmup it's nearly second nature. This both pleases and frustrates a sadist. *chortle*
However, I don't get sexually aroused from it - I *can* if I'm being manipulated sexually, as in if they are actually providing a sexual stimulation outside of it, but in and of itself, it has NO sexual tone for me, and in fact when we do play that is rarely (read less than a handful of times in 8 years) the intent or goal, really it is more a chance for us to express those sides of ourselves.
And in fact - I NEED that at times. It is VERY soothing. Ray will tell me when I start getting smarmy that I need to have my angst beaten out of me - it's a joke between us, and it's said in a joking manner - however, there IS more than a grain of truth in that. If I go a long time between a REALLY intense and hard scene, I get agitated, more mouthy than usual (POOR guy LOL), and I just am RIDDLED with a general sense of angst. But after a 3-6 hour beating I am remarkably calmed - and literally angst free.
It's very meditative, and very spiritual on many levels, and it's amazing how much it grounds and settles me.
Prob is - we don't get a chance to do that often. In part that's MY fault due to my internal battles with my duality - and partly due to not having a playspace at this time. And no, we can't go to a public dungeon/playspace, because well, I tend to be loud, as in laughing my ass off. Belly laughs, chuckles, giggles, guffaws, you name it, it comes pouring out and it's just freaking LOUD. Oh and I cuss a lot too. Yanno: <laughter>godDAMNit<laughter>thatfuckingHURT<laughter>andthatwasnt <laughter>happypainOW<laughter>heywatchitbuddy<laughter>fuckingAmanheythatothercheekOW <laughter>islonelywhatthehellISthat<laughter>owowowOWOWOW<laughter>endorphiansaremyFRIEND<laughter>fuckingshitthat<laughter>onestunglikeamotherfucker<laughter>OW<laughter>ow <laughter>owow<laughter>canyamakethatonesing<laughter>OWOWOWOW<laughter>guessso<laughter> ... etc etc etc
Combine that with me dancing around or hopping and well, it is sorta distracting, plus he hits HELLA hard so him alone is loud, if it wasn't perpetuated by my giggle attacks and constant vocal narration puncuated with sqeuals of fuckfuckfuck happypainiwanthappypain (being that he IS a sadist, and knows how easy it is for me to make it a fun thing, he's found ways to poke through that little channeling thing so I stay grounded and reactive to what he's dealing out. The meaniebutthead)
But it ain't a sexual thing at all.
But ohhh yeah talk about a spiritual and heavy energy release. Now if I could only manage to get past myself, I'd prolly be a lot less highstrung LOL.
I am DEFINITELY the type of person that most dominants would NOT want to handle - especially on a long term basis along with so I'm lucky I found someone that not only handles it but enjoys what I bring to the table, and doesn't mind my playful sassing. He just sorta figures if I'm sassing I'm okay enough to take more, and he KNOWS the laughing is a green light to keep piling it on, since as long as I'm laughing ... I'm processing JUST fine. LOL.
Oh fuck, I'm just a weirdo. LOL
Ah well, someone's gotta wear the weirdo label, might as well be me since I don't mind all that much LOL.
~ShadeDiva
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