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Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 4:10:13 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline 		Hello,
(TL;DR version below)
Thank you for taking the time to read and or reply to this. I am wondering how You find Your slaves or subs. Do websites like this one do the trick, is it munches and events, or possibly a pro's favorite client.
While i am not eager to rush into the first thing i find, i am tired of vanilla relationships and would like to find a strong dominant woman that i want to serve in a LTR. I have found this preliminary online step to be rather fruitless, and would like some information.

Thank You for Your time and the benefit of Your experience.
-a sub named Patrick

TL;DR version: How do You find Your slave/subs?

< Message edited by patrick15sub -- 10/1/2012 4:23:25 PM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 4:16:29 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I've found my last three play partners right here. I might be working on Number 4. However, most people here will tell you to get out and meet people in your local community for the best results. I tend to agree, unless you happen to live in BFE and don't have much in the way of a BDSM community.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 4:17:01 PM   
Titaniya


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/9/2012
Status: offline 		I'm a newbie, so I haven't personally had a submissive, but I usually find people to play with through munches and sloshes. I did meet a boy on OkCupid who has some subby leanings that seem like they might pan out in my favor.

I wouldn't be opposed to meeting a sub from a site like this one, but far too many people on here lead with kink for my taste, and a large percentage of those ones rule themselves out completely by attempting to turn me into a fantasy fulfillment device.

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 4:26:14 PM   
VioletViolence


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
Status: offline 		Absolutely everywhere :) I've met partners/fuck buddies/play partners on this site, on fetlife, at munches/play parties, vanilla dating sites, out and about and even at work. I pretty much wear all my proclivities on my sleeve, so it's never difficult to find the ones who's ears perk at the mention of kink.

(in reply to Titaniya)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:06:14 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I've found my last three play partners right here. I might be working on Number 4. However, most people here will tell you to get out and meet people in your local community for the best results. I tend to agree, unless you happen to live in BFE and don't have much in the way of a BDSM community.

I am living in NYC, so that shouldn't be a problem (finding and integrating into the local community). Thank You for Your input, it is much appreciated. Would you happen to know of any method to finding events? I have found one website- tes.org that has some local gatherings.
Thank You again!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Titaniya

I'm a newbie, so I haven't personally had a submissive, but I usually find people to play with through munches and sloshes. I did meet a boy on OkCupid who has some subby leanings that seem like they might pan out in my favor.

I wouldn't be opposed to meeting a sub from a site like this one, but far too many people on here lead with kink for my taste, and a large percentage of those ones rule themselves out completely by attempting to turn me into a fantasy fulfillment device.

i have talked to someone on this site that led with kink, wanting to get together immediately for play and it turned me off to them a bit, so i understand what you mean.
Thank You for Your time, i am very grateful.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VioletViolence

Absolutely everywhere :) I've met partners/fuck buddies/play partners on this site, on fetlife, at munches/play parties, vanilla dating sites, out and about and even at work. I pretty much wear all my proclivities on my sleeve, so it's never difficult to find the ones who's ears perk at the mention of kink.

Maybe i should do the same, in terms of putting it out there, do you find it makes people uncomfortable though, i would hate to be offensive to anyone.
Thank You for a new perspective, i will think about adopting it.

(in reply to VioletViolence)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:08:04 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Fetlife has an enormous events calendar and there are many NYC and vicinity oriented groups.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:26:20 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Fetlife has an enormous events calendar and there are many NYC and vicinity oriented groups.

Thank You for the new resource, i will check it out now.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:27:21 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		First determine what you mean by tired of vanilla. Is it the sex or the roles and routines?

The most common cause of failure online is the failure to engage the person as a n actual person rather than a fetish doll -- the other is identifying a person and not a fetish doll online.

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:28:21 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		What Hibbie said.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:56:40 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		You are very polite, and you are leary of leading with sex, and that will serve you well. I have some Domme friends who have assured me that, inspite of there being about 50,000 males subs to every Domme, the truth is, there is a much smaller ratio if you are looking for polite, sincere, intellegent men who do not lead with their D*cks. with that in mind, I would not, if I were you, make an effort to wear your kink on your sleave. Men and women are very differant beasts. If a woman leads with sex, she will get lots of positive response. Not saying you should be among them, you would probably find yourself with a lot of competion to wade through, if you responded to that woman who led with kink. Men, on the other hand, will not find most women nearly as receptive to leading with sex. Imagine the differant responses: A man walking up to every woman in the park and asking for a blowjob, wersus a woman who walks up to every man and offers one. The woman is going to get turned down a few times - but far less than half the time, I'd wager. The man is going to get reported to the next passing police officer. Since you are trying to find the right woman, always engage in friendly, non-sexual banter to begin with; ask questions about vanilla interests and talk about some of your own, ect. It will give you a handicap starting ahead of the millions of submen on this site who write EVERY SINGLE DOMME WOMAN - and a few sub ones - to tell them about the wonderful oppertunity they are presenting them with, a chance to fulfill his every fantasy! You sound like you're half way ahead of all of them, already.

I do highly recomend getting involved in local lifestyle. Especially since you live in such a kink friendly town. As to making the websites work for you, try participating actively in the forums (here - or in groups on fet). You will meet people. They won't all be a match, but everyone you make friends with gets you closer to meeting you match. Good luck

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 5:58:44 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

What Hibbie said.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

First determine what you mean by tired of vanilla. Is it the sex or the roles and routines?

The most common cause of failure online is the failure to engage the person as a n actual person rather than a fetish doll -- the other is identifying a person and not a fetish doll online.


What i mean by tired of vanilla is the roles, and most women i have dated or had a relationship want an alpha male, and i can fulfill that role but i would am much happier in a TPE setting. i am not looking for a fetish delivery system, and am not interested in casual play.
i apologize for being unclear, and thank You for helping me articulate myself better.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

You are very polite, and you are leary of leading with sex, and that will serve you well. I have some Domme friends who have assured me that, inspite of there being about 50,000 males subs to every Domme, the truth is, there is a much smaller ratio if you are looking for polite, sincere, intellegent men who do not lead with their D*cks. with that in mind, I would not, if I were you, make an effort to wear your kink on your sleave. Men and women are very differant beasts. If a woman leads with sex, she will get lots of positive response. Not saying you should be among them, you would probably find yourself with a lot of competion to wade through, if you responded to that woman who led with kink. Men, on the other hand, will not find most women nearly as receptive to leading with sex. Imagine the differant responses: A man walking up to every woman in the park and asking for a blowjob, wersus a woman who walks up to every man and offers one. The woman is going to get turned down a few times - but far less than half the time, I'd wager. The man is going to get reported to the next passing police officer. Since you are trying to find the right woman, always engage in friendly, non-sexual banter to begin with; ask questions about vanilla interests and talk about some of your own, ect. It will give you a handicap starting ahead of the millions of submen on this site who write EVERY SINGLE DOMME WOMAN - and a few sub ones - to tell them about the wonderful oppertunity they are presenting them with, a chance to fulfill his every fantasy! You sound like you're half way ahead of all of them, already.

I do highly recomend getting involved in local lifestyle. Especially since you live in such a kink friendly town. As to making the websites work for you, try participating actively in the forums (here - or in groups on fet). You will meet people. They won't all be a match, but everyone you make friends with gets you closer to meeting you match. Good luck

Thank you, i have decided to go to a kink friendly event this Friday after reading all of the responses here today. i appreciate the time and experience You have all emparted upon me, it will not be wasted.


< Message edited by patrick15sub -- 10/1/2012 6:10:48 PM >

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 6:53:51 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Check back and let us know how it goes! :>

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 7:28:40 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

Check back and let us know how it goes! :>


i will, though i am a little nervous about social gatherings with strangers. Are Munches generally accepting of people who haven't been to one before?

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/1/2012 7:35:09 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		Most munches I've been to have been very friendly. I have been to very, very few that I found cliquish. Many have groups, either email groups or fet life groups, where you can chat some and get to know a couple people before you go. Some have offical 'buddies' for newbies, who will meet with you so you will have a friendly face at the munch. It sounds like you have a munch picked out. Do a search on fetlife to see if they have a group there. Or, if the calender that you picked it from shows a contact person, write them and tell them you are new and ask what to expect.

As to what to expect: Most munches are held in public places. Usually there is food involved - resteraunts are perhaps the most common venue. Usually an attempt is made to choose a venue that allows for a little privacy for the group. A little privacy - a back room or a sun room or something. Not a lot of privacy. Fetish clothes are usually not approprate. In general, I find that about half the talk is about fetish and/or lifesyle topics, and about half is about everything else. Just be your polite, charming self, and everything will be fine.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/2/2012 1:58:38 PM   
MsSylverdawn


Posts: 147
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline 		Yes most munches are set up to be gateways into a the community in my experience. Often they have people who are designated to make new friends welcome to their group.. thats how they keep membership up as the kink community is very liquid..( no puns intended )

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/3/2012 9:48:33 AM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		A mix of online and in-person.

I've met some nice folks in general and some fun tops and bottoms at munches and clubs, but only one slave for a service and play relationship there. I've since moved away from him, but he and his wife are still friends and I hope to see them next year.

The majority of power-exchange partners I've had I've met just through regular "vanilla" life... Going to school, through a friend, co-workers in the military. I've found, BY FAR, most of my bottoms through "vanilla" settings.

A couple PE partners I've found through here. My last Domestic was my favorite and I mention him often. He was great and I was sad to no longer have his service when I had to move away. I'm currently talking with a few potential bottoms, servants, and slaves for my move to NYC... Some have good potential so we're talking through here to get to know each other better and will meet up when I get there to see if any of us clique in real-life. One especially seems like a great match; we speak regularly through YIM now... But again, we'll see what happens when we get face-to-face.

My advice: just be open to whatever and wherever life brings you. Put up a good profile here and on Fetlife, go out to clubs and munches, see who you meet in everyday life. Don't just seek a dominant, be open to any type of good connection with folks you can find; you never know, that sub male you went to a concert last week with may know a dominant that he thinks you'll hit it off with.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to MsSylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/3/2012 11:32:49 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patrick15sub



TL;DR version: How do You find Your slave/subs?

I pretty much invite everyone to be somewhere I'm going to go anyway and talk to the ones who show up. I seem to do okay.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/3/2012 2:20:36 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		OP, are you even sure you want to meet someone who you only know from online? I might be going to my first event, and I would like to meet people there and maybe over time develop a relationship with one. The idea of meeting someone from online however seems a bit risky no? I mean how do you really know who it is you are going to meet? I could be over analyzing things, but it does seem a bit intimidating to meet from online.

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/3/2012 2:33:25 PM   
patrick15sub


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/30/2012
From: New York
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRickfslxmr9

OP, are you even sure you want to meet someone who you only know from online? I might be going to my first event, and I would like to meet people there and maybe over time develop a relationship with one. The idea of meeting someone from online however seems a bit risky no? I mean how do you really know who it is you are going to meet? I could be over analyzing things, but it does seem a bit intimidating to meet from online.


I think it has to do with the fact that I work close to 110 hours a week, and as such I have had a few relationships through online dating websites (pof) etc.. that the concept is not foreign or scary to me.

(in reply to CougarRick)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Mistresses, a question from a relatively new sub. - 10/3/2012 2:50:20 PM   
CougarRick


Posts: 288
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patrick15sub

quote:

ORIGINAL: CougarRickfslxmr9

OP, are you even sure you want to meet someone who you only know from online? I might be going to my first event, and I would like to meet people there and maybe over time develop a relationship with one. The idea of meeting someone from online however seems a bit risky no? I mean how do you really know who it is you are going to meet? I could be over analyzing things, but it does seem a bit intimidating to meet from online.


I think it has to do with the fact that I work close to 110 hours a week, and as such I have had a few relationships through online dating websites (pof) etc.. that the concept is not foreign or scary to me.



Fair enough I guess. Sometimes it sounds intriguing the thought of meeting someone online but then the thought of meeting up with some black widow type serial killer lady does give me a moments pause.

(in reply to patrick15sub)
Profile   Post #: 20
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