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New and need some help - 10/3/2012 2:04:54 AM

DonnysStar

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/2/2012
Status: offline

I am new to all of this and while I know that I am submissive and my Daddy is well my Master I do not know how to tell him I want to take our sex to the next level of roughness. How do I give him a fight without him interpreting it as my not liking it. He is patient and kind and as I am new to the whole bdsm thing I worry that he just doesn't want to scare me. I feel awkward telling him what I am wanting for fear that I am a)crossing the lines as a sub and b)worried that he may give me what I want and it not be what he wants. Can anyone help me here?

Post #: 1

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 2:20:19 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

Just sit down and have a big girl talk with him about wanting more rough sex and wanting to try play-fighting as part of foreplay. Don't be coy about this, it'll backfire.

ETA: it is the sub's responsibility to make sure the Dom knows how the sub is feeling and what the sub wants, but it is up to the Dom to decide what to do with that information. You'd want to know if your kid wanted a bike instead of a trike, right? But it's still up to you to make the decision of what to get them. Same diff.

< Message edited by Alecta -- 10/3/2012 2:22:02 AM >

(in reply to DonnysStar)

Post #: 2

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 5:00:48 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Alecta is right. Just tell him. There is no way to make him magically know what you want. Put it out there as clearly as you can:

'It would turn me on to fight back a bit more when we have sex and have you be rougher with me. How do you feel about this?'

or

'I think it's really hot to struggle but I don't want you to think I'm not enjoying it'

or

'Could we include more fighting in our foreplay?'

It's not crossing a line to tell him what you are interested in. Any partner worth your time should care about what you think, even if they don't agree. Let him know what you think, and then allow him to be the dom and make that decision. Even if it isn't his thing, he might decide to indulge you once in a while. It won't make him less of a dom to do things just for you every now and again. If he can't bring himself to lay down the law and let you know how he wants things, he needs more practice as a dom.

This might also be a good time to add a safeword if you don't already have one. That way he knows that even if you're saying 'no' or 'let me go' it doesn't mean you're unhappy, and you can be confident if anything does go wrong, you can make it absolutely clear that you need to stop.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 3

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 5:11:33 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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ok after reading your other version of this thread, I notice that he has expressed he wants a bit more fighting, so it's not an issue that he might want this.

There's nothing wrong with saying 'I know you're into this, I'm into this too but was too shy to say so. Can we try it?'

Don't worry about him thinking you're just doing it because he brought it up. Your reactions and enjoyment will show you're really into it. Also, doing things to please the dom is central to being a sub, there'd be nothing wrong even if you were trying it just to please him. Hell, some of my most exciting and powerful experiences have come from doing things I hate just because I know he likes it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 4

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 5:48:24 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

~FR~

May I just say, Athena, that I am really glad you joined the forums :)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 5

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 6:04:56 AM

DonnysStar

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/2/2012
Status: offline

Thank you all for your advice. As to the part about how he wouldn't want me to do something just for him, He get nothing out of it if my service is obligatory. I do what I do for him because serving him makes me happy. If he thinks that I am not enjoying myself then it really spoils it for him. There have been time I have expressed a desire for things and he gives them to me, but it always seems forced to me. I guess that is what I am worried about.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 6

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 6:17:42 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

But by the sounds of it, you both want this, so it won't be a problem!

Honestly my guy can be the same way - he likes to know that I'm getting something out of it on some level. I know he's held back on things he wants because he is thinking of my enjoyment. It has taken me a long time to show him that even if I don't enjoy the act itself, I do greatly enjoy submitting to him. And in my mind, you start to really submit when you do things you do NOT want to do (I've never had to 'submit' to eating chocolate cake, yanno?). It's all in the head space. Things I despise become wonderful experiences because it feels so good to know I am doing something to please him.
The same thing works the other way. There are things I like that he's never been interested in. The latest was predicament bondage - he never saw the point of it, and obviously it's not the same if he's humouring me, because it's all about having a horrible situation inflicted on you. But then we tried it, and guess what? Hard as wood. Because he feeds so much off my reactions, he got a huge buzz from me making myself vulnerable to him like that. Head space again.

Anyway, that's a long winded way of saying, it's in the way you approach it. Do a bit of doublethink, and it goes from 'this is flat because he/she is only doing this to please me' to 'holy crap, look at this new way we've found of getting each other off!'

ps - thanks greedy

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to DonnysStar)

Post #: 7

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 7:02:19 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

I read your other post as well.

How does he expect to get a girl to fight him
without motivation...
So he has to find out what would be something
that would get you fighting!
I find most girls are horrified when you lick their
eyeballs by force... MWAAHHH HAAAA HA

Eventually they get desensitised to having
unpleasant things done against their will and
just lay there and accept it...
Which is what I want, but the fight is fun while
it lasts.

-Aries

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 8

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 7:07:01 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Just tell him. Did it occure to you maybe he likes how you are and was just trying to flirt with the other girl that he said this to? Just have an honest talk about what you want and about what he wants.

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 9

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 8:00:36 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DonnysStar
Thank you all for your advice. As to the part about how he wouldn't want me to do something just for him, He get nothing out of it if my service is obligatory. I do what I do for him because serving him makes me happy. If he thinks that I am not enjoying myself then it really spoils it for him.

I can certainly sympathize with this part. At least sexually I've dabbled with taking Carol when she wasn't in the mood... sometimes when she very, very strongly was not in the mood. While I caught the edge of the feeling that I assume most Doms feel it was a distant thing for me and largely spoiled by her being furious. Note that that is a very different thing than what you're talking about because when we did it it was not simulated.

That being said, if Carol had this need I'd explore that edge I caught more fully and nurture it into an acquired taste. The entire trick would be simply making sure I understand that she wanted it despite evidence at the time that she did not. That'd be easy for me as I value flexibility in myself and others. It'll help a lot if you remember what you're asking him to do and how many very good and reasonable cultural taboos (and laws) it violates. You're basically asking him to simulate raping you. A lot of guys I know would find that a bit of a stretch. To YOU it seems simple because you know for sure what is going on in your head. To HIM... not so much. If you remember that key viewpoint difference you'll be able to better help him get over it.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to DonnysStar)

Post #: 10

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 10:13:46 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Simple. Talk to him. If you can't even talk to your Master about anything, you're screwed.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 11

RE: New and need some help - 10/3/2012 10:18:09 AM

kitkat105

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/29/2011
From: Eating dutch crunch in the Silicon Valley
Status: offline

Be honest and tell him. No matter how "Domly" he is, he will probably enjoy hearing these words out of your mouth.

_____________________________

"WARNING! This girl exceeds the MAXIMUM SAFE standards established by the FDA for BRATTINESS!"

Odeen's spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down

Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags

Secretary - ProSubs"R"Us

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: New and need some help - 10/4/2012 8:47:38 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DonnysStar

I am new to all of this and while I know that I am submissive and my Daddy is well my Master I do not know how to tell him I want to take our sex to the next level of roughness. How do I give him a fight without him interpreting it as my not liking it. He is patient and kind and as I am new to the whole bdsm thing I worry that he just doesn't want to scare me. I feel awkward telling him what I am wanting for fear that I am a)crossing the lines as a sub and b)worried that he may give me what I want and it not be what he wants. Can anyone help me here?

Asking him exactly what you asked us here would be a good start.

Sometimes when I have something I want to bring up, and I'm kind of nervous about it, I tell him just that - Daddy, can we talk? I want to talk about something and I'm kind of nervous about it. He then puts me on my knees and he sits down and cups my face in his hands, and we have a "safe" feeling place in which to bring things up (sometimes in the evening, wine is also involved lol).

In my situation, I was used to rather "brutal" (my opinion of brutal) play from my former owner, and Daddy just wasn't that rough. I'd bring it up once in awhile and he'd say "In due time...be patient" and I realized, well, there are two of us in this relationship and just because *I* think *I'm* ready to do XYZ, maybe *he* has his own processing to do about it.

And truthfully, the relationship on its own is pretty freaking amazing between us, so not being whacked around really hard was something I could live with. Now, 3 1/2 years later, well he tried his new bamboo cane out of me last weekend and Holy Crap - Ouch.

I don't know you or your Daddy but mine does sometimes struggle with balancing his love for me and his protective, nurturing tendencies with his sadistic side that wants to go to town on my ass. Patience is your friend. "The next level" of play does not have to happen overnight...does it? For us, it evolved in its own time. One of the things that helped was we kind of discovered a "SAM" side of me who comes out during play - he loves it, "Sammy" cracks him up to no end, and he can go to town on her without feeling like he's hurting his little girl. Oh Sammy is such a smart-ass, laughing, egging him on, being totally sarcastic about stuff and then cringing at what comes out of her mouth. He laughs his ass off and then his sadistic side comes out. "Sammy" does fight back - she pushes against him, claws at him, bites him - and he handles her with a hard hand. And when it's all over, his little girl is curled up and panting - sometimes crying - and he comes and takes care of her again.

For us, "Sammy" was a way of finding that outlet. It's not role play for us; rather, facets to us that we've enjoyed the freedom of exploring. Again though, slowly, and with patience.

Two things you mentioned:

I am a)crossing the lines as a sub
This line you speak of is whatever line he has drawn out for you. There is no standard "sub line" that no sub shall cross. For example, in my relationship, I am well within my right to tell him what I'd like or what I want. He's still the head of the relationship - he can say no, he can ponder it, or he can say yes. He is perfectly OK with me asking for stuff. You say your relationship is new, so you might want to have this conversation with him - about how he feels about you asking for stuff. My guess is, he'd be OK with it.

and

b)worried that he may give me what I want and it not be what he wants.

Here is where you gotta let him be the dominant one. By NOT asking because it might not be what he wants, you are effectively taking that decision right out of his hands, and making it yourself. In my relationship, I ask for what I want, and then he - the one in authority - can say yes, no, or maybe. By not asking, I've made that decision for him. If Daddy gives me something I want, that he doesn't want very much, that's his decision. Sometimes he does that for the greater good of our relationship.

You know, I have a bunch of legal stuff I'm dealing with right now and he reviewed all my documents for me last night. I'm pretty sure he'd have much rather relaxed in front of the TV with a glass of wine, but he didn't. He looked everything over and advised me on some things. He gave me what I needed, even though it wasn't what he really wanted to be doing last night. That's what relationships do, and that's what many dominants do. But you gotta leave the decision up to him. It's ok to express this concern, of course. But let him decide where he takes things.

OK, as usual I got wordy, but I hope there was something here that helps. :)

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to DonnysStar)

Post #: 13

RE: New and need some help - 10/5/2012 5:27:03 AM

Valeska1971

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/24/2012
Status: offline

Hello Everyone,
I need some help and advice.

I am new to this and really could use some help. The hubby has desired me to become "slave" and "slut" material. I know I have it in me to do the "slut" but I'm not so sure, after researching it myself, I can do the role of "slave". As I understand it a "slave" does not have "rights" or "opinions". In the same respect some of what I learn about it may help with other areas I struggle with. Do I need to be submissive, yes in a sense. None of this is a bad thing in my eyes but I need to know what exactly I'm getting into.

Right now he has a live in "submissive". She is able to take the "punishment". I myself am not able to and this is something that I, as his wife, should be able to do for him. Yes, I understand that I cannot be all things to him but I can certainly try to be most things to him.
Let me explain what I see/hear right now from his "sub". She says she is a "sub". I have looked into this definition in some websites. As I understand, she is to be subjected to acts such as flogging, servitude, or humiliation and can be physically restrained by bondage, which can itself inflict pain. A person who relinquishes control for a large percentage of his or her day-to-day life to a top, or who submits within a formal set of rules and rituals, is sometimes referred to as a slave. I don't see this happening, this is my concern. If this person is to be a true submissive then why the frequent acts of anger, aggression, arguing and carrying on?

Let me say this, when I begin this journey I am doing it for me and my husband but I have limits.

I definitely am a swinger but I have lost some of the "desire" to go out "playing" so to speak. I had a deep desire for it about a year ago until he had to go away for about 8 months. When he returned I found myself only wanting him and him alone but at the same time still had those desires but rarely acted on them. This has been detrimental to our relationship as that was something that he enjoyed and I enjoyed. I have not pin pointed the reason why I slowed down as of yet and it is coming to a point where he finds that he needs to be fulfilled in others as I am not doing such a great job. I admit this. I admit I've changed. I admit I need to bring this back into our lives.

Help!

(in reply to DonnysStar)

Post #: 14

RE: New and need some help - 10/5/2012 5:41:52 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Valeska1971

Hello Everyone,
I need some help and advice.

I am new to this and really could use some help. The hubby has desired me to become "slave" and "slut" material. I know I have it in me to do the "slut" but I'm not so sure, after researching it myself, I can do the role of "slave". As I understand it a "slave" does not have "rights" or "opinions". In the same respect some of what I learn about it may help with other areas I struggle with. Do I need to be submissive, yes in a sense. None of this is a bad thing in my eyes but I need to know what exactly I'm getting into.

Right now he has a live in "submissive". She is able to take the "punishment". I myself am not able to and this is something that I, as his wife, should be able to do for him. Yes, I understand that I cannot be all things to him but I can certainly try to be most things to him.
Let me explain what I see/hear right now from his "sub". She says she is a "sub". I have looked into this definition in some websites. As I understand, she is to be subjected to acts such as flogging, servitude, or humiliation and can be physically restrained by bondage, which can itself inflict pain. A person who relinquishes control for a large percentage of his or her day-to-day life to a top, or who submits within a formal set of rules and rituals, is sometimes referred to as a slave. I don't see this happening, this is my concern. If this person is to be a true submissive then why the frequent acts of anger, aggression, arguing and carrying on?

Let me say this, when I begin this journey I am doing it for me and my husband but I have limits.

I definitely am a swinger but I have lost some of the "desire" to go out "playing" so to speak. I had a deep desire for it about a year ago until he had to go away for about 8 months. When he returned I found myself only wanting him and him alone but at the same time still had those desires but rarely acted on them. This has been detrimental to our relationship as that was something that he enjoyed and I enjoyed. I have not pin pointed the reason why I slowed down as of yet and it is coming to a point where he finds that he needs to be fulfilled in others as I am not doing such a great job. I admit this. I admit I've changed. I admit I need to bring this back into our lives.

Help!

What the hell?

Your post says basically that you're in a poly BDSM relationship and have no clue about BDSM. You say that your husband has a sub to take the things you can't, and he wants you to be a slave to take the things she cannot?

And your profile implies that you're unattached and just looking for a meat stick for play sessions?

What's the real story?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Valeska1971)

Post #: 15

RE: New and need some help - 10/5/2012 6:09:15 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Valeska - you should start a new thread because this will get lost in here and it isn't really fair to the OP.

But like Steven, I also don't understand what you're saying/asking.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: New and need some help - 10/5/2012 11:49:25 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I don't think she knows either.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

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