RE: Need some advice

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Karmastic -> RE: Need some advice (10/5/2012 9:14:25 PM)
figured i would check out this excuse for a discussion board and see if any real people were reaching out for help, seems i found one. focus has already splendidly given a similar opinion to mine, so this is be chiming in to agree, and to perhaps get you to realize - all this fluffy advice is great, about education and growing into a role. but one cannot be what they cannot be. listen to focus! quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: toria899 I just recently asked my husband to play in the bedroom him being the Dom and me being submissive, I am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom. But I want to be submissive in the bedroom. He can be really dominant at times outside of the bedroom and I get excited when he is like that but then he switches to submissive again when we enter the bedroom or if I challenge him. I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me? Please be nice. I am very nervous never been on a site like this before and very self concious and has taken me a while to build up the confidence to ask this question and quite scared that if i get any negative comments it will knock me back, but I can take constructive criticism Thanks for your advice in advance Your problem is that "dominant" (or "submissive") isn't just an adopted role but a state of being per an individual's persona. And hubby isn't a Dominant. The part where "he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue" is a half truth. He doesn't know how because it's just not in his nature; that his only real interest or motivation is that it's what YOU want. I'm not gonna fault anyone for wanting to accommodate a loved-one's needs or desires but since it's not his true nature, your submissive needs are intimidating him. And ultimately, his manhood is threatened if he can't take care of his woman's needs. I'm tempted to say stop challenging him, for starters. But therein lays the problem.... When my girl challenges me, it gets my "take charge" dominant juices flowing, whereas your hubby folds in a submissive heap. Has it ever occurred to you that the very reason he became attracted to you and eventually married you etc is because "I (you) am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom"? Absolutely anyone can be and at sometime is "really dominant at times outside of the bedroom" when the need arrives. You think submissive women (for example) are incapable of disciplining their children; of implementing rules and structure for them? I think you're scaring him to a point where he's worried he may lose you. That's his one and only interest or motivation in wanting to dominate you. Most common reason people stray in a relationship is because a certain need isn't being met. Question is, is this worth your marriage? Apologies for the long post with no easy answer at the end. Focus.

littlewonder -> RE: Need some advice (10/5/2012 9:45:19 PM)
[sm=popcorn.gif][sm=zipmouth.gif]

Karmastic -> RE: Need some advice (12/6/2012 7:24:09 PM)
lol, figured i would check out my last post here, from a couple months ago. low and behold, my stalker replied to me within a half hour.

theRose4U -> RE: Need some advice (12/6/2012 7:43:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: toria899 I have asked him to sit down and watch kinky porn with me to discuss it but he says he won't watch it long enough because he will get distracted like all the past times we have watched it together it which lasted all of 5min of the film, but yea its a good idea just need to find a way of keeping him focused long enough. Bag of frozen peas in his shorts should do the trick!

SacredDepravity -> RE: Need some advice (12/6/2012 9:09:36 PM)
OP, I am with you in what you are trying to do. I discovered all this stuff in a very haphazard, accidental way and really wanted to share my discoveries with my husband. He loved kinky porn and we had done a little slap and tickle in the past, so I figured we'd just turn it up notch by notch until we were doing the whole big thing that I wanted so much. I followed all the similar advice that is before you right now. We read books together, watched porn together, went to real life stuff together. I tried to serve him into it, begged and even demanded it. While some of these worked to varying and very limited degrees, here I am looking for a dominant partner. Two things couldn't be overcome. First of all, he was not dominant. He's of average dominant make up and even can tip toward submissive. Second, I am masochistic to a significant level. He could not hurt me to the degree necessary to achieve release and subspace. He couldn't stand the marks he left and the tears. It all literally hurt his soul. This was not for him beyond any very light degree. We decided to open our marriage for this purpose. There were a lot of growing pains from that decision, but we are now in a healthy, stable place in our relationship. I still can seek out and get my special needs met and he can keep his sanity. He has carte blanche to do the same, but I doubt he ever will. I don't know how the story will go for you. What I do know is this is a long and potentially difficult phase in your relationship. I wish I had included kink friendly marriage counseling as we went through it, but we didn't. I think it would have helped a lot and kept us from many a hurtful situation getting to where we are now. Be kind to yourself and him. This is not easy and won't be likely for a good long time. SD

descrite -> RE: Need some advice (12/6/2012 11:25:22 PM)
Wow. SD hit some good stuff to know. Focus crowned it. I was going to get all snarky and witty, but that really misses the point: you're asking be service by someone who may or may not be comfortable providing that service (forget whether they'd enjoy it, for the moment). That's a lot to ask of someone, and they might not be up to it...meaning: they might not have a natural proclivity for it, or they might not have the acting chops to pretend they do. So...tough row to hoe. A quick nod to the non-porn/lit options: "Secretary" is always a good portal work for exploring kink....'9.5 Weeks' is less good but also available...and the like.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Need some advice (12/7/2012 3:49:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic lol, figured i would check out my last post here, from a couple months ago. low and behold, my stalker replied to me within a half hour. I think what you meant to say was 'I was missing the drama, so lo and behold, I came back to stir up some more'.

OsideGirl -> RE: Need some advice (12/7/2012 8:18:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic lol, figured i would check out my last post here, from a couple months ago. low and behold, my stalker replied to me within a half hour. I think what you meant to say was 'I was missing the drama, so lo and behold, I came back to stir up some more'. Hit the nail on the head, Athena.

Inghammar -> RE: Need some advice (12/7/2012 3:54:02 PM)
You can't cajole another into enjoying a fetish or paraphilia of any sort. We adapt to our partners however taking someone who has no interest in power exchange to someone who does is a bit of a sharp leap. At best you will have an actor who does what you ask him to do (which seems counter to what submissives generally enjoy). I wish I had some magic words to make him what you need!

littlewonder -> RE: Need some advice (12/8/2012 7:22:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Karmastic lol, figured i would check out my last post here, from a couple months ago. low and behold, my stalker replied to me within a half hour. Wow...I'm your stalker?? I feel so special. Who knew?! Dude...really.....I got more important things to do than be your stalker. You ain't that important.

DesFIP -> RE: Need some advice (12/8/2012 10:56:18 AM)
Focus may be right. However her husband may be of the sort that just checks out if he's not getting what he needs. And since the op is insisting that she always gets her way, then any dominant tendencies of his will just dwindle because she's making it unsafe for him to assert himself. Some people don't want a life that is a constant power struggle. If he is one, then he's keeping the peace for now and for the sake of their children. Doesn't mean he isn't dominant with someone else, just that since the home life is so dictatorial he may well be getting his needs met elsewhere. You can't expect him to be happily submissive in your everyday relationship and dominant in bed. He could well be power equal in real life and dominant in bed but you aren't allowing him any vote in what happens. If you want him to dominate you, then start submitting. Ask him what he wants for dinner and go make it. Ask if he wants to go to yard sales or to watch football. Make it safe for him to assert himself. More importantly, start listening to him. Not talking at him which I'm sure you already do, but listening to what he says and then taking steps to please him. So if he says it's been ages since you've baked an apple pie, go bake one in the next couple of days.

ClassAct2006 -> RE: Need some advice (12/8/2012 11:04:20 AM)
I am afraid I thought exactly what Focus50 says below when I read it too. I feel if a man asks me what I want him to do (lots of them do who aren't really dom) they aren't really for me. Some of them seem want a paint it by numbers guide from the sub. That's not sexy if you're submissive. Anyway assuming you love him and are just seeking better sex for you then somehow you need to bring out his dom side. Does he assert himself? If you step over the line would he tell you off or force his position on you? Things that work for me is being told not asked. It doesn't have to be rude and nasty telling but just firm. Also he taking charge of things. However none of it works at all if someone is only doing it because I asked him to and he wants to please me. It is very hard to explain to someone who isn't dom. quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: toria899 I just recently asked my husband to play in the bedroom him being the Dom and me being submissive, I am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom. But I want to be submissive in the bedroom. He can be really dominant at times outside of the bedroom and I get excited when he is like that but then he switches to submissive again when we enter the bedroom or if I challenge him. I have asked him what he is feeling and he says he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue where to start on how to dominate me as I am usually the one to initiate things and wondered is there a site or somewhere he could learn to do this to me? Please be nice. I am very nervous never been on a site like this before and very self concious and has taken me a while to build up the confidence to ask this question and quite scared that if i get any negative comments it will knock me back, but I can take constructive criticism Thanks for your advice in advance Your problem is that "dominant" (or "submissive") isn't just an adopted role but a state of being per an individual's persona. And hubby isn't a Dominant. The part where "he really wants to play but doesn't have a clue" is a half truth. He doesn't know how because it's just not in his nature; that his only real interest or motivation is that it's what YOU want. I'm not gonna fault anyone for wanting to accommodate a loved-one's needs or desires but since it's not his true nature, your submissive needs are intimidating him. And ultimately, his manhood is threatened if he can't take care of his woman's needs. I'm tempted to say stop challenging him, for starters. But therein lays the problem.... When my girl challenges me, it gets my "take charge" dominant juices flowing, whereas your hubby folds in a submissive heap. Has it ever occurred to you that the very reason he became attracted to you and eventually married you etc is because "I (you) am really dominant all the time outside of the bedroom"? Absolutely anyone can be and at sometime is "really dominant at times outside of the bedroom" when the need arrives. You think submissive women (for example) are incapable of disciplining their children; of implementing rules and structure for them? I think you're scaring him to a point where he's worried he may lose you. That's his one and only interest or motivation in wanting to dominate you. Most common reason people stray in a relationship is because a certain need isn't being met. Question is, is this worth your marriage? Apologies for the long post with no easy answer at the end. Focus.

FreeFromSin -> RE: Need some advice (12/10/2012 4:59:44 PM)
I'm afraid he is not a Dominant man. His nature is submissive. A Dominant man leads. It isn't something he can learn, now. It won't work. I suggest you find a Dom.

Alltiedup57 -> Need some advise (12/17/2012 6:27:01 AM)
Can you please inform me as to where I can go to talk about this...as I don't want to interrupt this topic. I was being mentored an trained, went to Masters n Slaves on Fetlife an asked a question. Now I found out Sir saw what I said, not realizing what I asked would pop up in my profile. Now He has changed it for "training" to "teaching". What happened??? I had asked the question, in a poly house where its M/S yet married, an now training me, we have not had sex yet an its been 3 weeks. Is that normal??? Again, I DID NOT KNOW Sir would see the message, I was trying to get information so I could be knowledable....think it backfired on me. Please tell me the difference.....in 3 wks all I do is watch...or clean their home, an make toys for them. Im confused about all this.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Need some advise (12/17/2012 6:51:00 AM)
You can start a new thread right here in general BDSM. You might want to take a few minutes to gather your thoughts and figure out how to ask the question, because what you posted there was a bit confusing.

DarkSteven -> RE: Need some advise (12/17/2012 7:38:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Alltiedup57 Can you please inform me as to where I can go to talk about this...as I don't want to interrupt this topic. I was being mentored an trained, went to Masters n Slaves on Fetlife an asked a question. Now I found out Sir saw what I said, not realizing what I asked would pop up in my profile. Now He has changed it for "training" to "teaching". What happened??? I had asked the question, in a poly house where its M/S yet married, an now training me, we have not had sex yet an its been 3 weeks. Is that normal??? Again, I DID NOT KNOW Sir would see the message, I was trying to get information so I could be knowledable....think it backfired on me. Please tell me the difference.....in 3 wks all I do is watch...or clean their home, an make toys for them. Im confused about all this. 1. If you're in his house, he should be your source of info. 2. Why are you afraid to speak to him? 3. Asking questions and trying to hide that from him, is NOT a good sign. 4 It's been three weeks and you've not had the activities you expected. Time to speak to him and see what service in his home actually entails. That should have been done up front.

ForeverGaia -> RE: Need some advise (12/17/2012 6:37:38 PM)
I kind of tend to agree with the - you are born as you are type of thing. My ex-husband tried to dominate me, but it wasn't in his nature. I don't begrudge him that, but ultimately we had to part ways; one of the issues being that he could not be the dominant to my submissive because it went against his nature. It also didn't help that he found every thing I liked was weird. Hence the ex-husband status now. I wish you luck any way, from personal experience with years of soul searching I can say that it wasn't easy. Gaia.

kazzershadowfyre -> RE: Need some advice (12/18/2012 1:19:31 PM)
Honestly if you want him to be dominant show him submissive share each others fantasys even pleasures both need to be open to the subject ive been around for many years and the best way to find out is to be a experimenter Chains Whips Crop whips anything your mind can come up with and possibly watch some videos of others doming submissives/slaves will also help with learning how to be a dom

slaveluci -> RE: Need some advice (12/18/2012 7:45:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder ....read The Surrendered Wife. Better than any bdsm book imo. Indeed. luci

Jewelcrafter -> RE: Need some advice (12/19/2012 7:46:55 AM)
I wanted to say that I've seen this situation before. The wife wants hubby to dominate her, he tries but just doesn't get it for whatever reason. That ended with he just really didn't get SM and she found she was actually dominate, not submissive. You can try dominating him in the bedroom, especially if you are already doing it outside. You may find you are more dominate inclined than submissive. It may be wrong in your case, but it's a thought. On a more here's an idea to help you note, it does seem to me, based on what I read, that you get the last say in a lot of things. Others have pointed that out, basically saying be more submissive outside the bedroom. I'm thinking try a different route if that doesn't work. Get him comfortable in being in charge and taking the initiative if he usually just follows your lead. Give him little choice but to take the lead. Basically, if he is a closet dom, bring him out of the closest. If you usually get the last say in things, you may be saying, "Dominate me." but he is thinking, "I want to, but you won't let me." What I'm trying to say is give him more say in matters, don't have the last word so much. If he's used to you having the last word, that may be tricky since he is submissive to you. Like someone said, start with dinner and make him decide what you make or what restaurant you go to. He's indecisive? Give him two choices and make him flip a choice. Have him call it in the air and that's what you make or where you go. Get a little more D/s into your vanilla life at home. Doing laundry? Crawl around on all fours while handing him clothes to put in the hamper you have on your back. While the washer is filling, blow him. When it starts, bend over it and let him do you from behind. For foreplay one night give him a lap dance and let him pinch your nipples or give you little spanks. If he stops after a few remind him that its all right and you like it and such and if he continues, great! If he doesn't or stops again, leave it alone. Let him decide to do it again. One evening when he is watching something on TV that he doesn't care too much about (someone mentioned this I think), ask for a spanking during the commercial. If he agrees ask him if HE would like you to squirm or stay silent or what have you. If he stops when the show starts again, thank him, tell him you enjoyed it and watch the rest with him. If he wants to spank you during the next commercial, he will, just don't bring it up. Let him take that initiative. If he doesn't stop when the show starts, wonderful. That's what you wanted. Man I talk too much. Anyway hope those idea's help you or anyone else in a similar situation.

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