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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 7:47:19 AM

Ninebelowzero

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Serious question, do you think women are biologically programmed to be more in control of their emotions in time of crisis as back in the when tyhey would have to fix/repair/ bury many of their children?

As in behind closed doors total breakdown but at the moment of crisis non shown?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

oh darlin, I do understand.. communication breakdown (dammit, now that song is stuck in my head... I spose it's better than auld lang syne...) has been a killer for me as well. But it's usually me that freezes, and the guy that overshares. Apparently that is contradictory to several studies, if I am understanding lizi correctly.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 7:50:20 AM

GreedyTop

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That applies to me. I'm great in a crisis. I am a wreck, after.

I can only speak for myself, though.

I have known a few women that literally fall to pieces/ go ballistic if a nail breaks, so again, I think it may have more to do with upbringing etc.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 7:58:20 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

oh darlin, I do understand.. communication breakdown (dammit, now that song is stuck in my head... I spose it's better than auld lang syne...) has been a killer for me as well. But it's usually me that freezes, and the guy that overshares. Apparently that is contradictory to several studies, if I am understanding lizi correctly.

Greedy, the studies I was referencing do break down some communication preferences and techniques according to gender. So you don't fit them....pfffffft. You know generalizations only go so far. Maybe it would help to view the information I posted as belonging to group A or group B instead of saying men or women and then you fit whatever group you fit. Don't you think at the heart of it that, understanding what works for you is the take away idea?

Honestly what Niney said was the breakdown in communication being the killer of relationships, that's true in so many cases. It's a source of great frustration for couples, the biggest thing to do though is to just jump in and attempt it. Which brings us back to the OP....

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:01:11 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I would just like to say that I'm glad I'm not the only agony aunt out there. I am not sure why I'm Advicesperson, but there it is.

And yay that we are in agreement on so much.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:06:20 AM

Ninebelowzero

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I love you all, even when I think you are wrong at least you have made me think.

xxx

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:06:56 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rainwalker

I think you pose a number of interesting foods for thought but that does not mean to say that I agree with or endorse them. As a man and submissive, (slaver by many people’s standards.) my experience differs greatly from most of your comment. It will be interesting to watch this thread develop.

Yes, it is a very interesting thread. Thank you psycho.

Please tell me how you disagree with what I have said, or why you fail to endorse my comments. I welcome other's thoughts if they have substance and they can state them with any degree of clarity. Merely disagreeing is of course your right, just not terribly helpful to the conversation.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:10:47 AM

Rainwalker

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quote:

Merely disagreeing is of course your right, just not terribly helpful to the conversation.

Oh my, if snide comment were intended it was recognized.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:12:56 AM

LaTigresse

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In large I have to echo most of what Chatte wrote. Many of us have been 'trained', by past relationships, to not talk.

Part of the human condition is to take the path of least resistance. If a person has been conditioned, by negative and painful reactions, to truthful and sensitive communicating, they most generally will stop making any effort.

I can honestly say that is a struggle Generic Dude and I have had over the years. As we all do, both of us had some serious baggage we brought into the relationship. His biggest problems were horrible listening skills and selfish processing of what he did hear.

As an example, if my son (who was a horrible teen and young adult) got arrested. I would delaying telling G.D. because he would explode. No thought to what I was going through, but instead, start ranting and raving, pointing out any little thing that he felt I had done wrong (even though he would follow it up with some lame bullshit like "well you didn't realize, or you thought you were doing the right thing" yada yada....) Which only served to make me feel worse of course......because as a mother, when your kids do dumbass shit, you do tend to blame yourself.....whether there was real blame to be laid or not. All G.D. thought of was how it would affect HIM. His embarassment, his potential humiliation, his whatever.

So, me being a fast learner and all........shut down. I learned the it was a helluva lot less painful to only tell him what I thought he needed to hear. Sure it wasn't the right thing to do, but it made my life easier. We were both at fault, for different reasons.

Sometimes it just takes a lot of maturing and doing the work to LEARN how to communicate effectively.

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Post #: 28

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:19:54 AM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rainwalker

quote:

Merely disagreeing is of course your right, just not terribly helpful to the conversation.

Oh my, if snide comment were intended it was recognized.

Miss Chatte was not being snide. She makes a good point.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:21:18 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ninebelowzero

Serious question, do you think women are biologically programmed to be more in control of their emotions in time of crisis as back in the when tyhey would have to fix/repair/ bury many of their children?

As in behind closed doors total breakdown but at the moment of crisis non shown?

Because I work with all guys, married to women, and the other company is two lesbians, I would answer emphatically "NO!"

Only one of the wives would I know I could count on in a catastrophy. She is rock solid that one. The rest, including the two at the other company, they fall apart at the hint of a crisis. Even the bosses aunt has called, sobbing, because she misplaced a feckin ring. A woman that ran a god damned hospital before she retired, falls apart over a missing ring.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 30

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:36:02 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Not surprising, you and I agree, LaT.

It's very hard to break the communication habits of a lifetime. And harder still to change your communication style when you learn, like you did with GD, that if you broach a certain topic of discussion, you will be made to "pay."

I think many of us have been in relationships like that over the years, where day-to-day communication may have been fine, but add in a stressor of some kind, and boom ! Now there is too much baggage to communicate effectively if at all.

And those things take their toll over time. Instead of learning communication skills, you learn communication avoidance skills.

Also, just to make it clear, I don't think it matters at what point you are in the relationship, brand new or married for years, kinky as all hell or vanilla, I think most everyone can benefit from learning better communication skills.

They should teach them in school, b/c these kinds of skills are not just useful in romantic relationships, but in all your relationships.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:36:57 AM

LadyHibiscus

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I can be counted on in a crisis because I had the example of my mom. If something bad happens, you want me on the ground getting things done.

I learned early to be extremely cautious what I share, and with whom. I was always an edge person, and so I always listened and observed,andr gathered all the information I could about other people, in the hope of figuring them out and fitting in.

My mentors as a young teen were men, something that almost startles me sometimes. For a long time, my best friend was a man. Really, I am a woman that relates best to other women, and my friends are women, with one exception. My circle includes men that I care about, but not necessarily open up to.

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Post #: 32

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:39:38 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Miss Chatte was not being snide. She makes a good point.

Thank you, Hibbie. So I'm not the only one thinking he got his passive/aggressive panties in a twist for no good reason. I did ask him to elaborate on his views, and even said "please."

Geeeze, Mary fucking Mrs Jesus Louise !!!

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Post #: 33

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:50:05 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Not surprising, you and I agree, LaT.

It's very hard to break the communication habits of a lifetime. And harder still to change your communication style when you learn, like you did with GD, that if you broach a certain topic of discussion, you will be made to "pay."

I think many of us have been in relationships like that over the years, where day-to-day communication may have been fine, but add in a stressor of some kind, and boom ! Now there is too much baggage to communicate effectively if at all.

And those things take their toll over time. Instead of learning communication skills, you learn communication avoidance skills.

Also, just to make it clear, I don't think it matters at what point you are in the relationship, brand new or married for years, kinky as all hell or vanilla, I think most everyone can benefit from learning better communication skills.

They should teach them in school, b/c these kinds of skills are not just useful in romantic relationships, but in all your relationships.

I agree strongly that we can all use more skill in communications. Interestingly enough, good/effective communication IS being taught....in the medical field. I was shocked at how much emphasis is on this area. It makes perfect sense, but rarely do you see things that make sense happening in real life. One of my text books is solely on communication. A whole book.

Something I've noticed on the boards is that there are a lot of people here who work with people, are in the medical field, or in the teaching field, etc. It makes sense that those are the people who would choose to spend their time on a message board, lol.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:53:47 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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They really need that skill in both fields, most especially in the medical fields. I don't know about the rest of you, I've had some doctors who seriously sucked at the communication angle.

I think these skills should start being taught in grammar school and continue through grad school, JMO.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 10/5/2012 8:54:13 AM >

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 8:55:52 AM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pyschosubmission
However, the question I really want to ask is, are we on the whole scared of talking to partners?
Or is this a phenomenon more associated with new relationships, where people are still getting
used to each other and can be scared of "rocking the boat" as it were?

Just a random Friday afternoon thought I had...

While this may not sound very logical, I would have more fear/anxiety in discussing things that
could rock the boat, with a long term partner as opposed to someone I could potentially
have a relationship with, as there is much more emotional investment involved.
This doesn't mean I don't share my thoughts with him, (I imagine his eyes rolling at this comment)
but as LaT mentioned, it's a matter of learning when.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 9:05:24 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

I think these skills should start being taught in grammar school and continue through grad school, JMO.

ABSOLUTELY AGREE.

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Post #: 37

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 9:17:27 AM

OsideGirl

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Most people don't like confrontation and talking about touchy subjects can easily turn into one.

But, in D/s BDSM, so many new people think there's some set of rules to which they must adhere. There's a so many D types that perpetuate that lie for a large number of reasons...and the newbies believe them. Hell, when I was new I was concerned they were accurate, so for the first 6 months, I just sat, listened and watched until I realized those guys were perpetuating that lie for their own benefit.

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RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 9:21:41 AM

Missokyst

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This.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

So, me being a fast learner and all........shut down. I learned the it was a helluva lot less painful to only tell him what I thought he needed to hear. Sure it wasn't the right thing to do, but it made my life easier.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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Post #: 39

RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! - 10/5/2012 9:23:58 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

They really need that skill in both fields, most especially in the medical fields. I don't know about the rest of you, I've had some doctors who seriously sucked at the communication angle.

I think these skills should start being taught in grammar school and continue through grad school, JMO.

I agree. Those fields particularly need interpersonal skills, but I thought you might find it interesting, as did I, that they're actually addressing that aspect in programs that are happening right now. I was pretty shocked. It's not often that you see things really change and update the way they are supposed to, or maybe that's just me. I have found that usually there's a lot of talk about what should happen, but it never does.

Communication skills should be taught at all levels, I agree with that as well. One thing I always found interesting was that when I taught elementary school, the other teachers and I could tell if a child had been home schooled at any point in time by their subsequent lack in interpersonal skills. We could literally do playground duty and pick out one by one which children had been home schooled. Those children were behind in learning how to interact with others. Not to say this was a permanent deficit or that it was a negative thing- I'm only offering that it was noticeable amongst those who hadn't had as much practice with it as a skill set. Same with the children whose parents were not effective communicators, those kids tended to be like their parents. As a lark once, the head of the school and I sat down and went class by class and pointed out sets of parents and children who seemed to have similar difficulties in communication and interpersonal skills. Just some other observations on the subject...

I also agree with LAT in that we learn NOT to communicate in some areas when it seems dangerous for us to do so, subsequently we become conditioned to avoid communication. I go through a lot of this in the relationships I've had with SO's over the years. Currently, I promised at the beginning of this relationship to bring things to the table when I need to do so, he's not always great at receiving them. Which makes me hang back next time. Which starts the cycle downward of growing apart and not fostering a healthy relationship. Which is why I give myself no choice, I have to bring the stuff up. It's just a rule I assigned to myself. He's not always appreciative of it, but I know what will happen if I allow myself to be cowed by what I think his reaction will be, so I have to woman up to the job and put on the big girl panties. We eventually work through everything ok. Which goes back to the premise that this stuff is just a lot of freaking work. I wish there were shortcuts, I know there aren't.

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Post #: 40

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