First D/s Experience Question

First D/s Experience Question (Full Version)

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TieMeInKnottss -> First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 10:48:26 AM)
I just began a physical D/s relationship with a Dom I met and got to know and like. Did everything the way I thought...talked, emailed, went out vanilla dates, decided to move forward to next stage, set the limits.. Everything was going fine, even the sex is great but I miss the "intimate" connection. This is my first D/s physical relationship but do you (& I mean other sub/slaves because I know you can't answer for ME) get that feeling of closeness with your Dom that you get after sex with a vanilla partner? Strangely, I have a better mental connection with him outside the bedroom then I normally have. I have talked to him about it but am asking from the standpoint of other subs (he believes he can just make it ok..he will fix it..no worries). Do most Doms keep the intimate connection OUTSIDE of sex? Is this something I am just having trouble letting go of from my previous life and must choose either the vanilla guy or the Dom guy. Won't even bother requesting people be nice...

Alecta -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 10:57:11 AM)
You're kindda ambiguous on whether you mean you don't feel the same intimate euphoria with your Dom after sex as you do with regular vanilla partners after sex, or that you don't feel the same intimacy with him after play as you do after vanilla sex. And if the latter, what does the play consist of-- physical "punishment" or being told how to fuck him?

OsideGirl -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:02:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Strangely, I have a better mental connection with him outside the bedroom then I normally have. I have talked to him about it but am asking from the standpoint of other subs (he believes he can just make it ok..he will fix it..no worries). Do most Doms keep the intimate connection OUTSIDE of sex? Is this something I am just having trouble letting go of from my previous life and must choose either the vanilla guy or the Dom guy. Won't even bother requesting people be nice... I won't comment on "Most Doms"....I've only been in committed relationships with three and had amazing connections with them in and out of the bedroom. So, I have to ask: How long have you know this "Dom"? And are you sexually attracted to him?

poise -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:12:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss I just began a physical D/s relationship with a Dom I met and got to know and like. Everything was going fine, even the sex is great but I miss the "intimate" connection. For many, there would never be a physical relationship without first forming that emotional/ intimate connection. For others, casual sex, whether D/s or vanilla, is often a starting point, and the intimacy develops over time. Noting that you are recently separated, I think any new relationship will be compared to the one where your heart was involved, and it really won't have a thing to do with the dynamic of the relationship. I wish you continued happiness on your journey.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:18:09 AM)
I'm not quite sure I understand what's missing? Are you not getting cuddle time? Is there no romance? Do you not have dates and hang out together and do things other than play? Are you just not getting that warm fuzzy feeling? What exactly do you mean by intimate? I'm not sure whether you're saying the relationship is fundamentally different than you're used to - ie. do you only ever do kink together? Is he deliberately keeping an emotional distance to preserve domliness? OR are you saying that you just don't feel close to him? Because the advice would be different. I feel extremely intimate with my dom. Right after we play I feel very close to him because we've just shared each other's darkest sides. In the rest of life I feel the intimacy because we cuddle in bed, talk, hold hands, share quiet dinners. Are you sure this is because he's a dom, and not just that you're not feeling the chemistry with him? A person can be interesting and a great shag but still not inspire that weak-at-the-knees falling in love feeling.

DarkSteven -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:22:49 AM)
I consider kink to be foreplay on steroids. Did you have any bondage, nipple clamps, spanking, etc. prior to sex? If not, it's just plain ol' vanilla sex.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:23:29 AM)
Oside - yes I am physically attracted to him. I kept to my same "standard" of how long we knew each other, how much we saw of each other in vanilla instances...that I would have in any relationship. Alecta- all our physical/sexual contact has been him making all calls on the type of sexual contact we have (I have been letting him control everything sexually but I get a lot leeway outside of when we are playing..he doesn't let me run over him in other situations anymore than he does in bed but he allows more leeway/open for discussion outside and I am comfortable pushing a little on things and topics when we are doing mundane couple stuff. He keeps a firm boundary on how far I can go and I think that might be the problem.. Usually after sex I become more open and closer emotionally... Yes, the problem is the second thing you mentioned--not feeling the intimacy after play. I get the feeling after punishment I only notice after sexual play.

poise -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 11:48:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Do most Doms keep the intimate connection OUTSIDE of sex? Is this something I am just having trouble letting go of from my previous life and must choose either the vanilla guy or the Dom guy. Won't even bother requesting people be nice... Thirty minutes or so after you made this thread, you posted this on another one. Yes I am facing a similar problem although I must not be as polite because I flat out asked if he was impotent/couldn't get excited by non-dom interaction (not during play or even when he was really exerting control but more of a cuddly "vanilla" moment). Which leaves me even more confused, because here you say the sex was great, but that other thread is about a Dom not inserting his penis. [:-] You want him to have a hard on for you during vanilla moments then?

Alecta -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 1:50:42 PM)
It sounds to me like you're expecting the sexual submission to hit you the way regular sex does, but the fact is, it doesn't have to. In a cold breakdown, the "intimacy" a woman experiences after sex is a combination of emotional state and physical effects from orgasm. Everyone responds a little differently and requires a slightly different mix to achieve that state. So my first guess is that the sexual play just doesn't do it for you and it has something to do with you not feeling as connected or involved with him in sexual play as in vanilla sex or during/after punishment. Don't sweat it. Talk it out with him. Feedback is important because Doms are not mindreaders, then adjust your routines so veryone's happy :)

ivone1 -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 3:11:03 PM)
communication .... talk to him about this... just saying

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 7:14:56 PM)
Alecta-you hit it on the head...I couldn't put my finger on it . It is the feeling connected. I am concerned with not doing anything that could be topping from the bottom (although I don't think I would get away with it from him but I know I tend to run vanilla men from down there with no problem :). I think I may need to just chill out and nt be so concerned I will disappoint him that I obsess....you may notice I do that on occasion! Luckily, he is open to discussing things when we aren't in the moment. Funny, because vanilla men NEVER want to have a indepth discussion after it is over...even to improve things! I already have started talking to him.. I just had to figure what it was first . (re the ambiguity... I am not a prude but nor am I great at explaining in detail anything I do sexually with someone other than the related party. I don't mean to beat around the bush or to confuse people). When I say "sex is great" I don't want to be specific as to what type of sex act).

Alecta -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 7:29:49 PM)
re the ambiguity for future reference, all you really need to explain is whether you meant vanilla sex or sexual play or f/punishment and these are only important because the expected emotional states are sometimes different :)

obis -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 10:07:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Is this something I am just having trouble letting go of from my previous life and must choose either the vanilla guy or the Dom guy. No, you don't have to choose. Like all people and relationships, some doms want more intimacy, some want everything kept at arm's length. All that matters is that you know what you want and need, and he knows what he want and needs. If those line up, then you can find if you have that with each other or not. It sounds like maybe you just haven't spent enough time together to develop the depth of connection you desire, or he may be holding himself back in order to appear more Domly. It may just come with more time, or you may want to talk about it if there's anything you can put your finger on. He may not realize you're not insisting upon the aloof, masterful sex partner and be relieved to discover you're happy to cuddle more. He may just be distracted by thinking so much about how to tie the knot or what to do next.

littlewonder -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/8/2012 10:52:35 PM)
Well since we've been together for over 6 years now, I'd say the answer to that is a big yes! If one saw us they would probably laugh because we like to snuggle and cuddle and just be with each other during sex and outside of sex. We laugh, we talk, we smile, we share in each other's sorrows, joys and anger. If I couldn't be intimate with Master there is now way on earth we would have made it as far as we have.

RaspberryLemon -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/9/2012 12:43:14 AM)
I can only speak for myself here, but I feel that intimate connection with my Master both in and outside of the bedroom. Sex between us is very intimate and that feeling of "closeness" and "oneness" is amazing. There is a lot of affection and intimacy between us all the time, and it just wouldn't feel right without it.

PrincessDonna11 -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/9/2012 12:53:01 AM)
In my whole D/s experience I have felt it in OR out of the bedroom....

RemoteUser -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/9/2012 8:25:30 AM)
My girl and I connect on just about every level you might care to mention. I'm probably more intimate than she is (and yes, I am the Dom)! That doesn't impair our relationship at all, we just process and express things differently. We are still very connected, and I like it that way.

kalikshama -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/9/2012 6:00:12 PM)
quote: do you (& I mean other sub/slaves because I know you can't answer for ME) get that feeling of closeness with your Dom that you get after sex with a vanilla partner? I feel way more closer after kinky sex than vanilla. I had to let go of some play partners because I couldn't help developing feelings, and they were not available for relationships.

harmoneee -> RE: First D/s Experience Question (10/10/2012 11:19:50 AM)
PrincessDonna I agree with you. Now BDSM on the other is a whole different thing in my opinion. I view D/s and BDSM in this way. D/s is the mental aspect of the lifestyle if you will and BDSM is the kinky stuff we do. Hence B...bondage D....discipline S.....Sadism M.... Masochism.

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