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Darlingriver -> Depression after play (10/10/2012 10:18:31 AM)
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I have been depraved from a young age with fetishes that developed, dirty filthy perverted thoughts, and craving to be dominated by an older man, physically and sexually, with a daddy/girl or uncle/niece roleplay being something that interests me a lot.
I was just starting out in my kink journey last year. I attended some munches and some lovely people. Back online though I was contacted by a Dom and we started chatting online. Before I knew it he was suggesting to meet up for play. I thought I was ready, but looking back - no way was I. He moved to fast and I didn't have the sense to slow down.
Looking back, it was a dangerous thing to do because I didn't know him. He was so nice and funny and charming in his messages to me. His profile and online line, he was so funny. He was and still is involved in the community and people liked him and like him. I felt confident with my decision to meet him.
Our meeting and play went very well. I loved what we got up to. I was told to strip. I got my knickers pulled of me. I was groped. I was spanked. I was belted. I was flogged. And I pleasured him.
I loved it.
Afterwards, we parted and said our goodbyes and I thanked him. Back online later that evening I thanked him again. I didn't believe any sort of a relationship was going to delevop between us. For me, it was one night and if it led to more, that would have been nice. If not, I had a beautiful night and a wonderful time.
Back online, about a week later he told me he had a small gift to send me in the mail and he asked my address to send it on to me. This came out of the blue and wasn't expected and although my gut was screaming at me, that it wasn't right, I ignored it thinking that it was irrational and came out from no where. So I thought, what the hell. He was nice when we met and it's only a small gift.
Well I waited for it to arrive but after a fortnight with nothing in the post, I required about it and indeed him, hoping that he was well and all that. In his reply back he gave an excuse for not sending it and I bought that excuse. It was plausible and I was sound with it. But looking back I should have pulled him on it considering he had plenty of time to be online but he never sent me a message to tell me what the situation was. Also he had plenty of time to be online but no time to post his gift. He also provided me with another promise which turns out it was more empty words. He wrote that he will be in my town in a few weeks and that we could meet and that he would love to see me and give it to me then in person. And I was like, yeah sure, that would be great. Give me a bell. But that weekend came upon us and I didn't hear from him, until much later in the weekend after I made contact with him and it was too late for me to change plans. I told him what I was up to but he ignored that message. No response.
I contacted him some time later, and he was cool with me or so he said and I took it that he was still going to send his small, little gift but maybe he was just busy.
Much later, weeks in fact, I was willing to drop the issue of his gift but he made contact looking for another hook up. I would have liked this but to me these were just empty words and he had no intention of following through. And with that I asked him about his gift. He lost it he said. He wasn't even apologetic.
That happens I thought but it would have been more plausible if he used his own initiative to tell me that. I showed my disappointment with it. I thought maybe he would put it right and correct it. He could have found what he had or apologised or asked me how I was or send an apology note in the post or replace it with something else or anything but nothing was coming. Eventually my mood crashed and into a pro-long sub drop I went. I was on a high from the play I experienced and that high was prolonged waiting around for his gift. But it turned out to be nothing. Or was it nothing? Did he lie? It appeared he lied. I sent a message about the sub drop, for his own benefit too, so that he learns from it. He replied saying that he got my message, and that he was busy but he will reply. Showing me that perhaps he cared. I waited. And waited. And waited. It was another expectation for nothing.
I felt so shit and rotten but I still clung onto a little hope that maybe he would yet put it right but nothing came, not even so much as even a message. I eventually blocked him from online but there was still nothing.
My sub drop developed into a depression, my very first spell of depression -environmental depression. Mainly based around this situation. My mind was spiralling out of control, trying to make sense of that and why lie. Did he lie. Never in my life was I ever made to feel like nothing. Did he have a degradation fetish, was something that went through my mind as well. Waiting around for something that was nothing and my craving for more physical domination - like being tied up, spanked, beaten - it also added to my depression.
Time passed and I went in search of some sort of an answers but nothing, and I revolted back at him. Eventually he emailed with an excuse saying that he left back at his holiday home that he hasn't been to in months and has no intention of going there again. Leaving it open, implying that he still has it.
All out of cruelty, badness and selfishness no doubt.
I'm seeking help with my depression but it is still lingering on.
How do I move on from this experience?
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