How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (Full Version)

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Pyramus -> How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:34:04 PM)

A female friend wrote to me telling me how she enjoyed being spanked, and being shown off, particularly to strangers who would view her red stripes with interest ... yet ... she was wholly uninterested in sex.

I wonder, asking other females, whether this is common (to separate 'sex' per se, from the rest of the D/s dynamic)?

For me, as a red blooded guy, I can't think of D/s play in any terms 'other' than sexual ... so that's why I ask this rather personal question (some of which I paraphrased in my journal just now for more depth).



JanahX -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:38:16 PM)

So - lets put it this way. If I was a Domme and I had a sub - and I wanted my sub to wash the floors and do my laundry, thats supposed to make me want sex?



Lucifyre -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:50:05 PM)

Oh I dunno Janah, I tend to be consderably hornier when my house is clean ;)



JanahX -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:52:39 PM)

I think what he is getting confused is Dominant/Submission -vs- Topping/bottoming. - with kink involved.



onlyfreelycaged -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:57:31 PM)

D/s has everything to do with ownership, and nothing to do with sex.

I'm owned, by the sexiest man in the world. Lots of stuff he does with/to me or has me do to my self, makes me fell good. Requiring me to eat regualr meals, and get sleep is good and makes me feel good, without making me "hot".

Even when I'm being beaten, it makes me want more pain. Sex only gets in the way. It's kind of like eating peppermint candy and someone offers chicken parm. You just don't want them together.



littlewonder -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 2:58:55 PM)

D/s for us is not really sexual. I was told to mail out a form for Master today. Amazingly, I didn't get horny from it. I had to sew some buttons for him a few days ago....again, somehow, I just didn't get wet.

Now if you're talking about just playing, yeah, a lot of times I will get wet....but not always. Sometimes it just fucking hurts and does nothing for me. Other times I like zoning out and I don't feel horny during those times either. I just like feeling like I'm high.




Focus50 -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:05:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus

A female friend wrote to me telling me how she enjoyed being spanked, and being shown off, particularly to strangers who would view her red stripes with interest ... yet ... she was wholly uninterested in sex.

I wonder, asking other females, whether this is common (to separate 'sex' per se, from the rest of the D/s dynamic)?

For me, as a red blooded guy, I can't think of D/s play in any terms 'other' than sexual ... so that's why I ask this rather personal question (some of which I paraphrased in my journal just now for more depth).


I have no trouble seeing your friend's point. While D/s is sexual to me (though I prefer to say "intimate"), most of what I like doing to my girl in a scene doesn't require me to get undressed - or even "get it up". In other words, just because it's positioned in front of me, is not to say I follow my dick around. But ok, I'm still aware that for many men, their whole life purpose seems to be to provide opportunity, means and transportation for their dick.

Me, I choose if and when my dick becomes part of a scene. Mostly, I'm waaaaay more content teasing, torturing and (most times but not all times) getting the girl off with her needs. Is this not why women can get off multiple times whereas we men mostly get to shoot once followed by a suitable "down time"? I don't waste it, instead, I choose when.

In the meantime, I enjoy that the girl will do practically anything I want because she knows what I can do for her (and to her). So fine, over-simplify and call me her slave. When both of us are getting unique needs met by the other, I call it a relationship. But with ropes and whips. And btw, just 'cause she's all naked, bound and helpless is not to say she has an orgasm impending. I lurv decorative "furniture", too. Personal satisfaction doesn't always require my dick to participate.

Not for you, I'm thinking....

Focus.



OsideGirl -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:09:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

So - lets put it this way. If I was a Domme and I had a sub - and I wanted my sub to wash the floors and do my laundry, thats supposed to make me want sex?


This.

I do God knows how many things every day that have nothing to do with sex and everything to do with submitting.




DNAHelicase -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:10:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucifyre

Oh I dunno Janah, I tend to be consderably hornier when my house is clean ;)


Indeed.



peppermint -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:23:04 PM)

A D/s relationship to many is more about power exchange than it is sex. When we have sessions involving flogging or violet wand or spanking, we do not have sex during or afterward. Our D/s play is not foreplay.

Others combine sex and playtime.

You do what feels right for you and you find a partner who is compatible with how you invision a D/s relationship.



Alecta -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:35:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyramus
I wonder, asking other females, whether this is common (to separate 'sex' per se, from the rest of the D/s dynamic)?

For me, as a red blooded guy, I can't think of D/s play in any terms 'other' than sexual...



Yes, it is common. It is even common for men. Why?

Because D/s is about power and control, not sex. Yes, of course power can be expressed THROUGH sex, but sex is barely even a small fraction of what D/s can be. I suppose there is a confusion because a lot of men use D/s as a way of getting sex, but there's so many other fun things there without sex getting involved. And did you know that sex is more fun for the woman when they're not getting it? Twue fact ;) You can make a woman more turned on by NOT fucking her and being entirely disinterested in sex with her, than making her have sex with you. Something to do with the limbic system.



amaidiamond -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:37:20 PM)

I am in a full TPE relationship

We are a couple

As a couple yes we do have sex

But we have a power dynamic all the time, not just when he is fucking me.

When I am cooking for him, it is there, when I am cleaning the house, or doing the shopping, or sewing his trousers, or a million other mundane things.. it is there.

It is also there when we watch tv together, and it is there when we are physically apart for instance me spending a girly night at my friends house.

For me, the important part is the bit that happens the majority of the time, life.

You can have sex and kink play without a power exchange dynamic, and you can be in a power exchange dynamic without kink and sex play - indeed you can be part of a power exchange dynamic that involves but is not driven by sex..

Many flavors....



Tantriqu -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 3:47:25 PM)

To the OP: Same! I'm a red-blooded chick, and D/S makes me lusty. Whether a good man is serving behind or beyond closed doors, I find it arousing whether or not I'm doing things to him.
I know plenty of Dommes on here completely compartmentalise sex from D/s, but not I. All or nuthin'.



BoundSlave4Life -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/12/2012 4:16:16 PM)

While my relationship with Master isn't D/s, and it's M/s (Master/slave) sex is MAYBE %2 of our relationship. Master tells me when/where/how/what to eat, sleep, wear ect. Even going to the bathroom I need permission. I have a list of chores I need to get done daily or I get punished. Currently, I'm not allowed to make eye contact with Master without permission.

For My personal M/s relationship EVERYTHING is controlled. It's not just about sex, nor will it ever be, and that's the way I enjoy it.



MariaB -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 4:04:51 AM)

%2 in time or %2 in importance?

All of this is a turn on for me. I dominate and play around with D/s because it flicks the right erogenous buttons. If it didn't I wouldn't be dominant in this sense.
For me, foreplay may go on for hours, days, weeks, months or even years without sex but its still a huge turn on.
I'm really not interested in leading someone which may include controlling what they wear, controlling when they go to the bathroom etc, unless that stirs something sexual in both of us.
I can't comprehend why someone wants all that control or wants to give all that control and not get turned on at the idea.
I guess this is where I'm different from a lot of people on here. I get the impression that a dominant who isn't really bothered about any sexual connotations with his slave/sub, is wanting to take responsibility over said person, a little bit like we take responsibility over a child or a pet.
I don't want to take that sort of responsibility. As far as Im concerned they are as adult as me and just as capable of living a fully functional life as me.



ClassAct2006 -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 4:05:37 AM)

I would not want to be in a D/s relationship or any relationship with a man if there were not regular sex by which I mean penetration and orgasms on both sides. Of course I would like it controlled and of course I feel submissive and serve and all the other things which are part of a full relationship but at the core is sex. If someone is too old or cannot get it up but does all the rest I would be disappointed. That doesn't mean I make them take a sex test before I consider them but I do think if there is some reason why you cannot manage to have sex with your girl friend or don't wan tit very much that should be made very clear at the outset (and the other way round - if she wants you for your wallet but cannot really stand sex but puts up a front to hook you in that is equally as deceptive). It's different if you have been together for years and he just has erection problems when of course you work through that and seek help.

If a man says he doesn't want sex much that does put me off. I want someone whom I arouse and who wants me. Of course he can control how often that happens within reason but if he thinks it si a good way to keep a sexy girl by having sex with her once every two months then he needs to think about what most loving relationships need.



Focus50 -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 4:23:59 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

I would not want to be in a D/s relationship or any relationship with a man if there were not regular sex by which I mean penetration and orgasms on both sides. Of course I would like it controlled and of course I feel submissive and serve and all the other things which are part of a full relationship but at the core is sex. If someone is too old or cannot get it up but does all the rest I would be disappointed. That doesn't mean I make them take a sex test before I consider them but I do think if there is some reason why you cannot manage to have sex with your girl friend or don't wan tit very much that should be made very clear at the outset (and the other way round - if she wants you for your wallet but cannot really stand sex but puts up a front to hook you in that is equally as deceptive). It's different if you have been together for years and he just has erection problems when of course you work through that and seek help.

If a man says he doesn't want sex much that does put me off. I want someone whom I arouse and who wants me. Of course he can control how often that happens within reason but if he thinks it si a good way to keep a sexy girl by having sex with her once every two months then he needs to think about what most loving relationships need.


I can appreciate your view, it's just that from what I'm getting from the OP, D/s IS about sex to him.

I can do both (sex and D/s); but that one needn't include the other. And when I'm in "control mode", I prefer to mostly keep it in my pants and torture/tease her with her own sexual appetite. Of course, when I'm in a "fuck her" mood, it usually includes a strong D/s element of Dom taking sub meat, whereas a "making love" mood tends to be mostly quite vanilla.

Thing is, if I had to choose, I CAN get by without vanilla sex, but not the need to control my girl. Better to live alone than to live a relationship without that.

Focus.



ResidentSadist -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 5:32:13 AM)

For me, leathersex without sex is not my norm or my goal. However, now and then, I will help my Domme friend top her boy just for the sadistic joy of it. He is such a maso, he squeals so nicely, I enjoy it purely for the leather aspects of it and I am not sexually arroused or inclined to fuck him while I beat him.

I can see someone fixating on the scene or non sexual aspects of the connection to their partner and being satisfied by that. It’s just not for me because I am a Sexual Sadist that pairs best with a Sexual Masochist according to the DSM.



peppermint -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 5:47:31 AM)

quote:

If a man says he doesn't want sex much that does put me off. I want someone whom I arouse and who wants me. Of course he can control how often that happens within reason but if he thinks it si a good way to keep a sexy girl by having sex with her once every two months then he needs to think about what most loving relationships need.


Wait a minute. No one said anything about no sex or little sex. The OP was about sex as part of the D/s play.



MariaB -> RE: How is it that anyone can possibly separate sex from D/s play anyway? (10/13/2012 5:48:06 AM)

I'm not sure I even know what vanilla sex is!. I thought it was something I did before I was aware of this lifestyle. Even then it was wildly kinky vanilla sex!
When me and my man make love we are not having vanilla sex, we are having a loving moment and you can have loving moments within a D/s relationship.



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