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AlwaysIsLearning -> RE: Dipping my (our) toes in... (10/15/2012 8:04:53 AM)
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Thanks for the welcome everyone :)
I have hidden my profile because the reaction freaked me right out, to be quite honest. Who would have thought there would be so many people interested in a married woman who doesn't know the scene well enough to know the right words to even describe what she's looking for, AND is only looking for friends! lol
Anyway, I'm here to learn. I have a feeling this is going to be a long process. It's not that my Hubs doesn't know how to be dominant (or whatever word actually describes what I am talkiing about....maybe HOH or Top?). He doesn't know he CAN be. I mean he has the personality to be one, but he's lived in this very small town his whole life. He's got it in his head that there has to be a 50/50 power dynamic. For example, he's so afraid of appearing controlling that he will swallow an inclination to tell me I can't go out to a bar alone, tell me that he has NO problem with it with a smile on his face, and then give me the Spanish Inquisition the next day. That ends up turning into a fight because I then ask him WHY he didn't just tell me NO! I wouldn't have gone! His response is usually that he's not going to tell me what to do, and then backpedals that he actually had no problem with my going out.
I don't know how to explain it. It's really frustrating. I need boundaries. I need to know that someone cares enough about me to set them. But I also need them to be clear. I ask permission on my own to do these things because that is the way I am built....I want him to be happy with my decisions...I expect an honest answer. Not some passive agressive emotional punishment because I did what I had permission to do.
He set them to a point in the beginning of our relationship. He set what you would call his hard limits. He didn't know what he was doing other than telling me that he doesn't want a woman who ______. I didn't know that was what he was doing either until I started researching BDSM, but I wanted to remain with him, so I conformed (they were reasonable...no pot smoking, no more kids, ect...but not easy for me to swallow). Now I live within those boundaries, and I am a million times more stable and successful now than I was then. I wish he would take that a few steps farther. He would feel better for it. And so would I....does this make sense?
I thought that if I could get him used to Dominating in the bedroom, it would be an introduction to living that way more. Going to a Munch isn't an option. And he's too sheltered for his mind to not immediately think of collars, slaves, blood, and fetishes like the potato chips in that one thread you have going on here (hilarious, by the way) if I start talking about BDSM or D/s. I wish I could find some illustrative material that is more...subdued.
Anyway, nice to meet you all :)
ETA: I said in my profile that I was the more intellectual of the two because I am the researcher. I enjoy learning, am always questioning, and due to my natural creativity and inquisitiveness I am always finding more things to research. My Hubs would rather chew glass than read a book, go to an art gallery, or go back to school. If something new needs to happen in our relationship, I am the one who has to gather the info to pass on to him. He doesn't even know how to use a computer, and has no real interest to learn. I do it for him when he wants something found, and then he sits beside me as I read it to him. It works for us.
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